Inside I'm Still Dancing

GRAB ALL THE CANNED GOODS YOU CAN CARRY...

2009-06-15T20:15:00.002+01:00

...we're moving to wordpress. Come along, bring beer and I'll provide ~~lame~~ entertainment.

Please UPDATE YOUR BLOGROLLS (readers, bookmarks, etc):

http://insideiamdancing.wordpress.com/

See you there!

Wait! Let Me Explain...

2009-06-15T13:25:00.013+01:00

Oy vey, is it just me or are weekends too short?

One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood- or rather, being judged unfairly without having a chance to explain myself properly. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me- one part of me says, "who CARES what people are thinking?" but the other part really does care. A lot. Everything I do, I feel a need to explain in detail, to rationalise, to justify. Part of this is justifying things to myself- I judge myself more harshly than possibly anyone else judges me. I have been finding more and more that I am second-guessing every choice I make, trying to find a reason behind it (why am I picking tuna for lunch? why did I eat an apple and not a banana? why did I buy that brand of toothpaste?) Everything needs to have a valid reason and method to it. It's not enough for me to just say, "I put granola in my yogurt because I wanted to"- I feel like I need to approach it scientifically and explain it further ("I needed some carbs/fat/extra calories to make up for a lighter dinner/blahblah"). When did it get so complicated? Why is it not just enough to go with the flow and do what *I* want without fear that I'll have stones thrown at me?!

I started writing this thinking more about my fear of being judged by other people- though the more I think about it and the more I write, I think that my biggest fear is the criticism I dole out to myself. The guilt, the risk that something might go wrong, the relentless pursuit of my elusive dream of 'perfection'.

"It is easy to protect the body from poisoned arrows, but impossible to shield the body from the poisoned darts that originate within itself"

I need to work on ~~chilling the heck out~~ fostering a more compassionate attitude towards myself. To find a balance between caring what others think of me, but also accepting that their opinions and judgements are based on their own ideas and opinions and not necessarily factual. And most importantly, to ease up on myself. I keep talking about this but it's an ongoing struggle to let go of the idea that I need to be a certain way/do things perfectly for fear of what might happen if I loosen the reigns, and trust that I am 'okay' just as I am...

"Sometimes the only means of transport available is a leap of faith"

In other news:

I am 95% sure that I am going to be moving over to Wordpress. I've set up a blog and am ironing out the kinks and trying to figure it out- it's not as user-friendly as Blogspot, but I think the change will be worth it. Has anyone who has made the transfer found 1) a way to set up my blogroll to either be in order of most recently updated like this blog, or 2) is there any way I can automatically redirect people who go to old site to new one?

*************

For breakfast I made 'Sunshine Cheesecake' again in an attempt to combat the grey sky I woke up to.

Just as good the second time around (that's what she said!) I feel like this tastes too dessert-like to be a 'healthy' breakfast.

There was a Clif bar consumed...

Maple nut- hands down, my all-time favourite flavour. I love anything maple flavoured. When I was growing up, we only ever had real maple syrup if we had pancakes- it wasn't until I was in New York when I was 22 that I was introduced to 'pancake syrup'. What IS that stuff? Is it supposed to taste like maple syrup? I like it (hello, sweet and sog-inducing?) but...eh? Real maple. All the way.

Aaaaaand, a fiesta salad (soon to be followed by a siesta- I got up at 4am!)

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and a rather generous scoop of salsa on a bed of sprouts and spinach.

Question: what do you like on pancakes/waffles? Maple syrup? Pancake syrup? Jam? Yogurt? Fruit? It's rare that I eat them, but when I do, I'd take real maple if I had the choice. Though when I was in France, the crepes with banana and nutella were amazing!

Rocking It Out In The School Of Life

2009-06-14T13:39:00.010+01:00

Things I Have Learnt This Week

houses do not clean themselves
if an electrical appliance looks like a safety hazard, it probably should not be used
some things are better left unsaid
Amy’s Kitchen make delicious meals but they are designed to be ugly enough that nobody would pass them off as their own cooking
sometimes the person you expect to kick you when you are down is the one who helps you back up
being true to myself is more important to me than compromising who I am to fit in
I can’t control what anyone else does or says, just how I respond to them
all it takes is one person to say, “I believe in you” to make everything feel okay again
crack wraps were the missing piece in my self-devised tailor-made food pyramid
I worry too much about what people think
I don’t say “I love you” enough to the people I would want to hear it
everyone needs a little cheerleading squad in their lives, but it’s also a good idea to have your own pom-poms ready
the only way to overcome a fear is to face it head on
words have a tendency to get lost in translation and can hurt like hell when they do
if I get up at 4;30am and go back to bed after breakfast, it’s very likely that I will be half-asleep all day
everyone makes mistakes sometimes
living in the ‘real world’ requires a lot of compromising, a lot of patience and a lot of compassion
I have a very limited vocabulary when it comes to describing good food. My words of choice are: delicious, great, amazing, fabulous (note to self: bookmark a thesaurus)
using a list format for posts ~~is awesome when I am feeling lazy~~ makes it easier to formulate my thoughts

Munchables…

I woke up with a ~~Hugh Jass mug of coffee~~ bowl of purple goodness.

Oats, blueberries, Fage and a twist on Emily's PBU (I used almond butter, which I guess makes it 'ABU'?). Emily- you are a GENIUS! According to an online thesaurus, I can describe this as appealing, delectable, delicious, delish, divine, flavorsome, heavenly, inviting, luscious, mouthwatering, palatable, saporous (eh?!), scrumptious, tantalizing, tasty or yummy. I’m going to go with all of them. Yes, it was that good.

Why do they not make more nut butter flavoured things? There is no shortage of bars/cookies/cereals, but why not yogurt, milk, etc? I know we make our own combinations, but there are so many different flavours of yogurts out there but no nut butter ones. I'd pick that over 'lemon chiffon' anyday. (Stonyfield? Yoplait? You reading this?) Or peanut butter hot chocolate? I might need to order some PB2...

Lunch also included (but was NOT limited to) something which could be described the same way as my breakfast, but I won’t ~~write out the whole list again~~ hit “ctrl + p” again.

As much as I love mushrooms and spinach, I really just wanted the hummus. Think I could make a hummus smoothie? Just blend this all up and call it a Chick(pea) Monsteress?

The rest of my food over the last 24 hours has been rather dull in comparison, so I won’t bore you. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before so don’t lose sleep over it… ;)

Question: Live Writer is still not working for me. I can write/format but then can't transfer my post to Blogspot. Does anyone use Live Writer with a blogspot blog? TiPz needed!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Cheerleaders?

2009-06-13T14:09:00.014+01:00

Someone once told me that if somebody annoys you, it’s because you see parts of yourself reflected in them. I definitely agree with this. Lately I’ve been finding it harder and harder to keep in touch with a lot of my friends because I know they are going through a hard time and as selfish as this might sound, it’s not something that I can handle right now ('survival mechanism'?). I’ve stopped talking so much on my blog the last couple of weeks about the day-to-day ups and downs and I’m finding it really useful to write through the eyes I am trying to see through rather than through the dark sunglasses I often wear. I got bored of my own thoughts and bored of writing them down. It wasn’t changing anything. The changes in my own state of being have only taken place when I have shifted the focus from ‘what’s wrong' to ‘how to create the life I want to live’. I think there is a lot to be said for our visions/perceptions creating our worlds- there is definitely times where it is important to address current issues/difficulties, but I’m not willing to do that right now. I want to be around positive people. I am very easily influenced by what goes on around me and I attribute my progress lately to surrounding myself by people I look up to. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who tell me I won’t/can’t cope. We all need cheerleaders at times in our lives, and at this point, I need people around me who believe in me, who will push me that extra mile and who will shine a light when my own candle burns out.

It’s only natural to have a bunch of different people in our lives who all bring out different qualities in us- some of my friends and I get together and do the craziest random things and have days filled with laughter and bizarre shenanigans. Other friends and I sit huddled over coffee in Starbucks having serious discussions and debates. I enjoy BOTH, but at the moment I am finding that I am drawn more and more away from the ‘serious’ aspect and just…want to have some fun. Partly because of what’s going on for me right now and just a need to switch off, have a good time and remember the fun side of life. But partly because I want to ignore and deny the struggles I AM having and as long as I am not laughing/joking around, it all seems too real. I’d rather just ignore it.

I think my biggest ‘personal cheerleader’ is my dad. I grew up with him telling me constantly that I could do WHATEVER I put my mind to. It makes such a huge difference to have that knowledge that despite whatever crap is going on, there is someone out there who believes that you’ll make it through somehow.

Who are your personal cheerleaders?

I wasn’t going to post much today but deleted my draft and what do you know? A long rambling babble came out!

Before I forget, I need to mention Janetha for her comment yesterday about the pickle:

“daaang that thing is huge! I wonder how you got your mouth around it?”

I am just playing around this afternoon pretending I know what I am doing with the Live Writer I downloaded yesterday. If this post actually makes it onto my blog, that means I have figured it out *pats self on back* (gotta give yourself some props sometimes! ) So far, am liking it- thanks Alice!

Munchables!

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage twin pot- I am going to call this 'Sunshine Cheesecake' from now on.

Since yesterday’s breakfast, I have had crazy cravings for coconut. I LOVE the flavour of coconut but hate having the pieces stuck in my teeth f~~or weeks~~ until I brush them. Though it does make for an easily accessible snack later on...

For anyone in the UK, the Pureprotein bars often raved about on blogs are now available in Holland and Barrett. YEAH! Though I do love the white chocolate coconutty taste of this bar…

I went for a long walk this morning to do a few things (read: stock up on hummus and falafel) and also went to my mom’s house and now have FULL custody of my George Foreman grill. Which could only mean one thing…

Red pepper hummus and cheddar cheese. There are no words. For anyone yet to jump on the ‘crack wrap’ bandwagon, please do…your life will change forever. Unless you don’t like hummus. In which case you ~~are crazy~~ should dip it in ketchup.

Question: are there any foods you love the taste of but avoid because of the texture? For me it would be avocado and coconut. Avocado is mushy in a BAD way (mushy cereal = a good mushy) and coconut just gets stuck in my teeth. Love the taste, but can’t get past the textures.

Okay...the upload from Live Writer didn't work so I had to copy/paste and upload pictures again directly onto Blogspot. It said the server forbid it? Anyone able to help me out with this?

The Day After The Night Before

2009-06-12T13:29:00.012+01:00

1 bus fare = £2.00
1 burger = £6.00
1 night with good company and great conversation = priceless

Thank you for the support yesterday- I had SUCH a good time last night! Alice was so sweet and it was great to meet another blogger. We talked about all kinds of stuff- including Windows Live Writer and the "blogspot V wordpress" debate, as well as lots of pictures. I am pretty sure that the people around us though we were ~~complete dorks~~ very interesting people. Haha!

We met as planned at the restaurant and sat down- once Alice told me that she was disappointed they didn't offer her favourite item, we wandered off to Wannaburger. It was so much fun- it was like a New York diner and we sat in a booth drinking soda, chatting and waiting for our food.

I started with a PICKLE! I've never seen these on a menu in the UK and *had* to order one.

(anyone want to throw in a "that's what she said" worthy comment here?)

Next up: BURGER!

Grilled chicken, tomato relish, salad and pineapple on a bun. I LOVE grilled chicken- not because it's "safe", just because it's delicious when cooked properly and this place grilled it to perfection. So good. Messy, but fabulous (and pretty too, right?!)

I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about, but the complete opposite happened- I to have a tendency to babble occasionally (no s***, Sherlock!) so I hope I didn't intimidate Alice with my ramblings...hehe.

When the check came, I got my chocolate fix after all.

Peanut M & M's which we shared before heading off into the rain and walking home. We actually live really near each other so hopefully will meet again soon!

I woke up this morning in SUCH a good mood. Glorious sunshine streaming through my windows (at 5am- it gets light SO early here and stays light until after 11pm! Love it!)

Breakfast was heavenly...

Oats cooked in water, swirled with frozen blueberries, fromage frais and topped with a chunk of crumbled coconut bar.

I went to the only store in Edinburgh that stocks pumpkin and the guy there asked me why I come so often JUST for pumpkin. I mentioned some of the things I make and he has asked me to write them down to be included in their new cookbook! How cool?! The book is in the process of being compiled and all the recipes are based around canned/jarred products they sell.

Lunch included this amazing wrap.

Red pepper hummus, paprika, alfalfa + radish sprouts, tomato, mushrooms and spinach. Mmmmmm...

Random story- when I was in the store yesterday buying some things (hummus, mushrooms, spinach, soy milk) a guy came up to me and started asking if I actually ate this kind of stuff. I said "yes" and he started rifling through my basket! Then he started asking me if I voted (um, no... I can't vote in this country) before calling me a "damn hippy" and wandering off. Some strange people out there!

Well, I do believe that this is the closest I have ever come to doing a 'proper' food post (ie, without too much of my inane ramblings!)

Question: when was the last time you ate at a restaurant and what did you get?

Have a great weekend!

Rising To The Challenge!

2009-06-11T13:30:00.012+01:00

After I left treatment in New York and was living in the city, I ate out several times a week. My schedule was hectic between a day program, work and school and it was just impractical to go home and eat all my meals- I was busy and I loved it. Despite my ups and downs since then (2007) my visits to restaurants got far less frequent, but I still did it. Gradually it dwindled down to a very small handful of restaurants that I felt 'comfortable' eating in. Not because they offered particular foods, but I knew what to expect, what things looked like and could reassure myself by remembering that I had eaten there several times before.

It's been 7 months since I last ate in a restaurant. 7 months since I've eaten a meal that wasn't completely prepared by myself, calculated to the exact calorie. Tonight I am meeting up with another Edinburgh blogger for dinner and I am REALLY excited. Usually I need weeks to plan for this so it's all been a kind of 'last minute' thing (to me!). I haven't spent hours agonising over the menu or worrying- I have surprised myself by quite how calm I am about it. It's hard for me to even eat something different at home, never mind go out and hand over control to a chef I've never met. I am anxious- there are a lot of challenges for me this evening. Going out and breaking out of my routine is one, unknown food is a second, meeting someone new is a third. I haven't even contemplated the idea of cancelling- again, NOT like me (I can be such a flake in situations like this!)

I guess the difference is that I am excited to face something new and something different, rather than focusing on what could go wrong or the fear aspect. Sometimes just tilting your head a little and looking at a situation from a slightly different angle is all it takes to shed a whole new light on something...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

- Mother Teresa

*************

My meals so far today have been ugly, but delicious!

Breakfast, after boiling water on the hob to make coffee (I feel like I am camping- need a new kettle!)

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shreddies and peanut butter. Honey and peanut butter are such a perfect pair :)

Snack involved no chocolate!

Fage with muesli. I am so obsessed with yogurt at the moment- it's so versatile and delicious. I don't like it by itself, but mixed with fruit/cereal is such a great snack.

Lunch was inspired by a conversation about pot-lucks and pasta salad with Janetha...

Tuna pasta salad on a mound of spinach- and yes, that would be ketchup hiding under there... I tried to hide it, but my camera was NOT playing along. *sigh*

2 questions for today!

what is your favourite thing to pair with peanut butter?
what is your favourite thing to mix into yoghurt?

Hope everyone's Thursday is going well- will be recapping tonight's shenanigans tomorrow! Wish me luck! (Alice might need some luck too for putting up with me...hehe)

Do It In Style!

2009-06-10T13:25:00.018+01:00

Sometimes it takes me several hours to put a post together. I have a lot of days where nothing I write seems to make sense and I can't put my thoughts into any kind of coherent sentence. Finally, I click the 'publish' button only to come back and edit, time after time after time. I see flaws in my writing- spelling, grammar, punctuation. I worry about who is reading and what they will think of me or how they will interpret what I have written.

I worry about which 'niche' my blog falls into or where it fits into 'blogosphere'. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't HAVE to fit into any particular niche- if somebody asked me what my blog was about, I wouldn't have an answer. It's about me- sleeping, eating and everything that goes on inbetween. Thoughts, actions, ideas... There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' way for a blog to take shape- that's what makes them so special and unique. I could spend my whole life trying desperately to fit in to any one particular crowd, or I could step into an empty space and claim it as my own.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how people see me or what they think or me. My mistakes are amplified in my head to be huge disasters, when really...people, for the most part, have their own stuff going on that is far more important than if somebody has used the same word twice in one sentence. Yet still, I panic. Egocentric? Neurotic? Perfectionist? Likely a combination of all three. I don't know what would happen if I stopped caring so much- what thoughts would fill that space. Whether I would go back to fretting over food and calories, or whether the time and energy would be channelled towards something productive. Whenever I drag my thoughts away from the 'obsession of the day', another one seems to creep in which is equally problematic.

I remember when I was much younger and waiting to be called up for my turn in a music competition. I was crying because I was so convinced that I was going to mess up and make a fool of myself. My music teacher kneeled down, looked me in the eye and said, "go out there and give it ALL you've got- go right ahead and make mistakes...but do it with confidence, do it like you mean it and nobody is likely to pick up on it". I did go out there, I did make mistakes, but I kept on playing. Rocking it out (well, as much 'rocking' as you can do playing traditional Scottish music on a harp) and I came home with a gold medal.

Moral of today's ramblings: go out into the world and give it all you've got. Mistakes aren't what make you different from everybody else- they are what make you exactly LIKE everyone else. Nobody is perfect, despite how they may appear on the surface. So screw-up, pick yourself up and start all over again. Just make sure you give it your best shot and if you fall flat on your face, at least pretend that you meant to do it that way. A little self-confidence goes a long way when it comes to "faking it till you make it".

Speaking of 'going out with a bang', my KETTLE EXPLODED last night. I turned it on to make a cup of tea, and there were sparks, weird noises and a huge 'BOOM', before all the power went out in my apartment. What did I do first? What ANY blogger would do- grabbed a camera...haha.

You know you are addicted to blogging when... ;)

**************

Some food highlights from today, after I fixed the power last night. Just call me the 'DIY Diva'.

I woke up at 6am which is LATE for me.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with peanut butter. Eaten cold.

Are there things you eat cold that most people would eat hot (or vice versa)? All of my food is eaten cold- I cook most of my things the day before and leave it in the fridge. I always LOVED eating cold leftovers when I was younger, so now I just skip straight over the 'first time' and go straight for the 'leftover' aspect!

Chocolate fix...

Glenny's brownie spread with white chocolate peanut butter. Yes, it was as good as it looked :) I never ate peanut butter until I started reading blogs (and never considered myself to be a fan of chocolate- but reading back some recent posts would indicate otherwise!) Ha...

What foods have you started eating more of since reading blogs? My main ones would be peanut butter, hummus and oatmeal. None of which I ever disliked or purposely avoided- I just never really thought of them as appealing/interesting. Now I can't imagine life without them!

Post-therapy (real psychotherapy, chocolate therapy is a given these days!) I made a curried chicken salad and spinach wrap. I love the dried apricots and raisins in this...though I love dried fruit in anything!

Still on the lookout for a vegetarian chicken salad recipe- anyone got one they recommend? (Elise?!.)

Thanks for the menu suggestions for tomorrow- I am really looking forward to it! Wish you could all come!

Have a fabulous hump-day everyone!

Stepping Outside Of The 'Recovery Bubble'

2009-06-09T13:26:00.010+01:00

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts on yesterday's post. I love hearing everyone's different opinions so don't apologise for lengthy comments- the more you guys say, the more I think and learn so keep your ideas coming!

Just to clarify after a couple of comments/emails, my post wasn't necessarily about the job/issue of being 'green' itself, but more an example of a tendency *I* have to 'go for gold' at any cost, often losing myself along the way. One one hand, you've got to do what you've got to do in order to pay rent, etc, and that often does mean compromising on principles/values especially when you are new at a company and haven't worked your way up to a level where you have the safety and security of putting your foot down.

I've been trying to keep my posts broader than just eating disorders and this is likely to be rambly/boring, so feel free to scroll down to the food discussion while I attempt to organise my thoughts!

I was thinking about yesterday's post and the whole difficulty in finding a balance between 'staying true to yourself' versus what is actually practical in the real world. I've spent a lot of time in intensive treatment, having it ingrained into my brain the important aspects of recovery: to honour your feelings, to eat intuitively, to be true to your inner self, etc. I agree with ALL of this. In theory. But the real world isn't based around that- sitting with feelings and accepting them is all great but at some point, there comes a time when I need to act "as if" in order to get through the day. I don't have therapists around me 24/7 to support me- I have a job to go to, bills to pay. Living outside of hospital demands a level of functioning that I don't think treatment ever really taught me. Granted, it's not something you can learn in a group therapy session- you learn by DOING which is what I am doing now, I guess?

Other aspects of recovery come into this category too of "stuff people tell me is 'normal' but isn't easy to apply in the real world". Intuitive eating is something that I am striving for, but again- NOT always practical. When I am working, I need to eat when I am given a lunch break because the other option is to just...not eat. This kind of goes against the whole concept of intuitive eating, but is very much in-line with how 'life' operates. I might have packed a turkey sandwich, but if my body is asking for a veggie burger? Eh. Nothing I can do about that.

Kind of reminds me of high school. I was in the top French class when I was 12 and did well in the classroom. When I actually went to France, it was a whole different story. Being able to ask for directions to 'La Discothèque' got me good marks on my pop quiz, but wasn't really what I needed in order to survive several weeks in France! Nothing wrong with discos (!), but learning how to ask for a first-aid kit or directions to a bank might have been more useful.

I guess my issue right now is finding a balance between the tools/skills needed for recovery, versus what is actually realistic for how the world operates. I think it comes down to having the ability and strength to be able to hold onto the basics of staying healthy, whilst also allowing for flexibility and acceptance of change- seeing it as an opportunity to grow, rather than a huge obstacle that blocks your every movement.

sometimes being in control means just accepting a lack of control over situations

*************

More interesting stuff, yes?

All day yesterday, I was craving peas. I don't even LIKE peas very much- they remind me of school lunches, served luke warm having been boiled to the point where they were nothing but a gloopy green mush on my plate. I didn't make gloopy mush.

Broccoli and pea crustless quiche, vegetarian baked beans (British baked beans are completely different from American ones) with roasted mushrooms, onions and steamed spinach.

What is the difference between a crustless quiche and a frittata? I thought the whole point of a 'quiche' was the crust itself?

I decided not to order muesli online because ~~I had an insomnia induced online shopping spree and now have mounds of wraps and bars taking over my kitchen~~ I wanted to try something a little different.

This is a regular muesli mix (oats, dried fruit) but with bran twigs in it and a higher percentage of fruit.

Muesli is ugly, no doubt about it. It was delicious though! It's hard to tell from the picture, but there was a LOT of dried apricots in this which I loved and it was much sweeter than my other muesli (which has dried berries and more of a 'tang'). This one was cheaper AND better tasting. Plus much easier for me to get.

Heehee...

Peanut butter fix came later on.

PB pretzel MOJO bar = *love* I think this is now one of my favourite bars- probably a good thing since I now have a whole case. I wonder if I can make sculptures out of them to at least make the pictures a little more interesting?

In other news: I am having dinner with another Edinburgh blogger on Thursday (YAY!) What would you get from this menu?

You Say, "JUMP", I Ask, "How High?"

2009-06-08T13:31:00.017+01:00

Thank you for your advice on yesterday's post- I did go to high school in this city so do know a few people that I keep in touch with on Facebook. I sent out a few messages last night to see if anyone would be up for coffee- it's really weird when I still think of these people as 12 years old (when I left school) and seeing their photos of the weddings and babies!

I was flicking through my daily planner from last summer after reading Olga's post about her new job. This time last year, I was working as a temp in New York in between interviewing for permanent jobs. Between interviews, I did various things- mostly reception work but the jobs varied a LOT between one company and another, and I never really knew exactly what lay in store for me when the agency gave me the company name/address/time to show up. Some of the jobs were pretty cool, some were fun, some were boring beyond belief, but none lasted more than a couple of weeks max so it wasn't a big deal if I hated it.

Exactly a year ago today, I was in the middle of a 3 day assignment at a fairly well known company. They had called in for a temp because the director had decided that the 14 years worth of files on their computer system should be printed off onto hard copies and filed in their library. It was not my position to question my role, but something about this didn't seem quite right. 14 years worth of information from a large worldwide organisation is a LOT of sheets of paper. I didn't mind the mundane aspect of "ctrl + p" (x 10000000000), but I didn't understand the logic behind it.

I am definitely not the most environmentally conscious of people. I recycle when I can, I use energy saving light bulbs and I reuse plastic bags- that's pretty much as far as I go on a day-to-day basis. But now and again I come up against something that just doesn't seem 'right' to me in an environmental sense.

Despite how uncomfortable it made me feel, I couldn't turn this job down. I needed the money, and I needed to maintain a good relationship with the temp agency. If I was in the same position now, I would do it again. I KNOW I talk a lot about staying true to *you* and keeping things in line with your own beliefs and morals, it's not always possible to transfer that to the 'real world'. Bills need paid, there are responsibilities, rules and regulations. I am not afraid of hard work or responsibilties- I like the challenges that being an adult brings (for the most part!) but when it comes to compromising who I am or what I believe in... I hate it. I want to be able to stand up for what I believe is right and risk being wrong. I want to speak out if I think something is cruel or unjust, I want tohave the confidence to say what I think and do what *I* think is the right thing to do...but the reality is, it's not always possible to DO that in real life. The temp assignment wasn't a HUGE deal- 3 day assignment, 3 days worth of wages. I did it and moved on to the next job. But it did make me think.

What are your thoughts on staying true to yourself versus compromising for the 'real world'?

As much as I want to say "NO", I don't think it's that straightforward. A lot of the jobs I was applying for were at advertising agencies, and when I was in studying advertising, we had some great discussions going about ethics/morals and how they might come into play (ie, if you were asked to be involved in a sexist/anti-something campaign). As passionate as I am about certain subjects, I don't know if there is ANYTHING I would put my dream job on the line for (especially in this economy) and I don't know if that's common sense of sheer stupidity.

Anyway. Enough rambling for a Monday!

Munchables...

Last night's dinner was provided by Amy's Kitchen. I still stand by my theory that they purposely make their meals as un-photogenic as possible so that nobody can pass them off as their own cooking!

Vegetable lasagne with roasted mushrooms and onions (LOVE) on a bed of spinach. Ugly, but oh-so good! I am so excited about the new range of Amy's meals due to hit the shelves here in July!

For breakfast this morning, I wanted to try a twist on "PBJ oats"...

In the mix: cooked oats, Fage cherry twin pot, blueberries and almond butter.

I don't know why I thought this would taste like "PBJ" considering that it contained neither peanut butter OR jelly (!) but it was still good.

Yesterday's bland lunch called for the return of my 'burrito bowl'- MORE than making up for my lack of condiments yesterday!

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and SALSA with spinach and sprouts (and yes, there was some ketchup underneath too...Ketchup Anonymous, anyone?)

Have a great Monday and go check out Jenny's amaaaaaazing giveaway! (or not...I kind of want to win this one :P )

What's In A Piece Of Pie?

2009-06-07T13:28:00.019+01:00

Sunday afternoon already?..

Hee hee... I love these cartoons.

I feel like I've posted a lot this week whilst avoiding talking much about what's been happening in my everyday life. You didn't miss much. I've been thinking a lot about what constitutes a 'balanced lifestyle'. When I did my life coaching certification course a few years ago, there was an entire module on what a balanced lifestyle is- my coursework was filled with pretty pie-charts that would compose a well-rounded life. I think that no two pie charts would ever be the same- some people need more of one aspect in their life and someone else has slightly different priorities.

The key 'pieces' of the pie were:

productivity (work, school, etc)
personal/health
social
leisure
relationships

Simple in theory, harder in practice. (Don't worry- not going to get all 'life coach-y on you guys...okay, maybe just for this post :P )

MY PIE

Productivity: I am working part-time right now, as well as various ongoing projects (ie, the article I wrote and follow-up)

Personal/Health: a work in progress- I am definitely making this a more significant part of my 'pie' right now and focusing on gaining both emotional and physical health because I think that without that as a solid foundation, none of the others can really grow.

Leisure: again, a work in progress. Blogging is fun for me, writing is fun and I LOVE taking my camera out around the city and taking random pictures. I am hoping that as the rest of my 'pie' balances out more evenly, I'll discover new things I enjoy doing and a new appreciation for leisure time.

Social/Relationships: I've clumped these together because right now, they are virtually non-existent and by far, the smallest piece in my pie. (I find it kind of amusing the I am talking about what my eating disorder has taken away from me by using a 'pie' as an example!)

I am definitely a sociable person. I LOVE spending time with people, hanging out with friends. Nothing makes me happier than just relaxing in Starbucks with a friend, laughing at random things, reminiscing about bizarre/funny memories we have. Since I came back to Scotland last year, I have been really isolated. Not intentionally, but it's not easy to meet people when you aren't in school and don't work (my job is pretty new). I think that the loneliness aspect of my day-to-day life is the biggest obstacle for me right now and definitely the next thing I really want to focus on changing. I talk a lot about missing New York- what I miss the most is my friends and who I am when I am around that. I live HERE now and I need to make more of an effort to bring the aspects of NY life into the life I currently have.

"Life Only Happens When You Show Up For It"

2 questions for today!

How have you guys met people when you've moved to a new area?

Any piece of your 'pie' that you would want to change?

************

Breakfast was nothing special but fabulous nonetheless. Bran flakes, Fage cherry twin pot and sliced banana. A.K.A. cheesecake!

Snack was the last remnants of my muesli (hence the dust!) mixed with Fage. Still undecided about ordering more muesli so going to check out what the health store sells tomorrow.

For lunch I wanted to see if I could have a meal without using any condiments (my pictures don't show it, but everything I eat has ketchup added after the photoshoot!). I made a sandwich with a chopped quorn fillet, laughing cow cheese and some chopped yellow pepper. Side dishes were also condiment free.

The verdict? DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. Condiments should be a part of the food pyramid. Lesson learned.

What are your favourite condiments? Top of my list would be ketchup, closely followed by honey mustard and tzaztzki (not really a 'condiment' but I use it as one).

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and if you like granola, CLICK HERE!

When "Quitting" Is A Good Thing

2009-06-06T13:30:00.017+01:00

when you realise that what you are doing has started to hurt more than help
when the passion has died and doesn't seem to be coming back
when it feels more compulsive than enjoyable
when it doesn't interest you anymore
when it starts to lose meaning and stops making sense
when it's taking up more energy and time than it warrants
when it starts to feel out of your own hands
when you realise it's taking you further and further from where you want to be going
when it's causing sleepless nights and restless days
when the "get up and go" feeling...got up and went
when you face it with dread rather than hope
when you reach limits that aren't possible to break through
when no matter how hard you try, you realise there isn't anything more you can do
when your health and happiness becomes compromised
when it becomes a 24/7 obsession rather than a pleasant past time
when you worry more about what people are thinking rather than staying true to yourself
when holding on is more painful than letting go

This isn't related to anything in particular right now, just some thoughts/ideas that have been bouncing around my head- more so lately as 'life' has gotten busier and my priorities are being assessed (and reassessed!). I'm trying to prise things apart and figure out what is 1) important, 2) enjoyable and 3) what is taking up my attention/focus right now that is okay to let go of. I hate the idea of "quitting"- I like to think I can juggle a zillion things at once and somehow keep everything balanced in a nice pie-chart format. That's not working out very well so I am working on accepting that sometimes there are things that I need to just let go. My dad calls this a "strategical retreat"- cutting your losses and backing out whilst you can. I still see it as 'quitting' and prefer to stick with it and hope that things work out.

What are your thoughts on giving up/quitting if it's something that isn't working for you anymore? Do you find it easy to do?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day , to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight."

- E. Cummings

************

The good stuff...

I made the BEST breakfast this morning, featuring this bar that Aisha sent me:

I cooked up some oats and swirled them together with plain fromage frais and frozen blueberries and crumbled a chunk of the bar on top.

The bar was amazing! Such a great oatmeal topping, especially with the blueberries and yogurt. Why have I waited so long to try the coconut and almond combinations I've seen on so many blogs?! (note to self: copy more bloggers- these guys have GREAT taste!) I am rapidly falling in love with the hot oat/cold yogurt bowls!

I've had this sitting in my fridge for ages and have been looking forward to trying it since it's so popular amongst bloggers.

I REALLY wanted to like it. Ccinnamon is one of my all-time favourite spices and I love the short ingredients list (if something has a list that I can read straight through without needing to stop for a break, I LIKE it), but the flavour was strange...spicy, sweet and not what I was expecting. Not a bad thing since I can't get these bars easily and am glad I don't need to add it to my list of stuff to stock up. I do find it weird how I can tolerate such high levels of artificial sweeteners, but I find Larabars INCREDIBLY sweet. Anyone else find this? Or am I just weird? Heh... Does anyone else keep their Lara bars in the fridge?

Hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start!

I Believe...

2009-06-05T13:16:00.014+01:00

that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is only to teach us something
that putting all your eggs in one basket might seem practical but it's a big risk to take
that some risks are worth taking
that it's on the darkest nights that the stars shine most brightly
that actions speak louder than words
that you can wait forever for an apology that will never come
that time you enjoy is not wasted time
that 'sorry' is the hardest word to say
that every moment we have is a gift
that everyone is doing their best with the tools they have available to them
that sometimes you only find the answer when you stop looking
that people will die trying to use their bodies to say what their voices can't
that when you face the things you are most scared of, you find you had the courage all along
that when your mind throws up road blocks, you can drive straight through them
that some rules are meant to be broken
that everyone deserves to be loved
that a good night's sleep and a great breakfast gives you a great advantage for any challenges that come your way during the day
that everyone needs a little help sometimes
that sometimes the only available means of transportation is a leap of faith
that laughter is the best medicine
that time doesn't heal everything, but compassion and forgiveness can go a long way
that we have more power and strength than we realise
that everyone is special in their own way

****************

Munchables!

I wanted to try the muesli that Aisha sent me in the 'blogger exchange' this morning.

With pumpkin and fromage frais...

The flavour kind of got lost in the pumpkin, but every now and again I got a little chunk of chocolate- winning start to my day!

There was some more chocolate needed later on.

I think this was a "Carbrite Raspberry Chocolate" bar (20g protein- woooo!) but will forever be known in my head as "Bizarre Bar". It was...weird. I LOVED the texture, but it had the strangest taste to it- anyone tried these? Maybe it had gone bad or something...it didn't taste gross, it was just strange. Chalky and chewy (which I like) but just really sweet with a strange hint of what I assume is *supposed* to be raspberry.. These have no sugar and no artificial sweeteners so I have no idea what ~~crazy chemicals~~ ingredients I just ingested...

Lunch included my last sandwich thin- which means that 1) I have LOTS of room in my freezer now, and 2) next week WRAPS are back on the menu. You know how I roll!

Ham, tomato chutney, laughing cow cheese and pineapple. Love it.

Have a great weekend guys! Hope you all have some fun things planned!

Click for a summer giveaway!

No Red Carpets!

2009-06-04T13:35:00.010+01:00

It was really interesting to hear your thoughts and opinions on how the media portrays an image to strive for and the idea of a 'perfect' body.

It kind of got me thinking more about 'fame' and celebrity status on the whole. Aside from being scrutinised for any changes in weight that the media loves to highlight, I can't think of anything worse than having your entire life being put in the spotlight. I have never been famous, and maybe this is more a reflection on how *I* operate, but if I was to become a pop star (not going to happen!), I have this image of the passions that musicians have suddenly becoming something that belongs to everyone else. Record labels, contracts, managers, etc, start calling the shots and before they realise it, their dreams are suddenly everyone else's dreams rather than their own. A constant need to deliver what people WANT rather than where their heart lies. Some artists DO follow their own paths and accept that they will get dropped and their 5 minutes of fame will be over and are okay with that- others aren't able to do that (am guessing that I would fall into that category and change myself because what others think of me would take priority). I can certainly see why so many celebrities do end up turning to drugs/alcohol if that's the case- the pressures of constantly being in the spotlight would be hard enough, but the feeling of compromising who you are inside just to please other people seems a hundred times worse to me. Maybe I am WAY off here, but if I ever did shoot to stardom, I think that's where my downfall would be. Doing whatever it took to be accepted, to chase the dream of being a huge hit and losing sight of the original motive of writing/playing music (acting, dancing...whatever). Unless the dream/goal is fame itself and they like it...heh. Whatever floats your boat!

Would you ever want to be famous? As much as I like dancing around my bedroom pretending my hairbrush is a microphone, I can honestly say that I hope to NEVER step foot on a stage again. I'd love to be 'known' for doing something amazing/special, but I would hate to be in the position of being recognised everywhere I went or having to have every idea/movement approved by somebody else. Freedom over fame anyday!

Okay, enough of my ramblings for today!

*********

Breakfast was my LAST portion of my beloved muesli- nowhere seems to be selling it anymore so I am debating whether or not to order some online (or just switch it up with something else). As much as I love it, I'd rather be eating stuff I can get easily/locally... Do you guys order food online? I get protein bars and wraps because they aren't sold in stores, but muesli is pretty readily available...this one is so good though!

Bran berry muesli with apple and Fage.

I have had zero energy today- I usually find that once I hit the streets, am full of energy and glad I went walking, but half-way through today's walk my body just was NOT cooperating. Hey, at least I tried... I'm not going to 'force' it if my body is clearly saying "NO". There are times to push and times to just accept that it's a 'rest day'.

Snacked on an old favourite...

Maple nut Clif bar- by FAR my favourite bar. I am so burned out on the pumpkin flavour!

Lunch included this:

Sandwich thin with laughing cow cheese, pesto, ham and mushrooms. Pesto is so good on sandwiches! I definitely prefer Quorn over meat, but since the store didn't have it and I consider myself an 'eatanythingatarian' I thought I should try it.

Just throwing my disclaimer in here after a couple emails I have received recently: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

The weekend is in SIGHT!

If You Ain't Got It, You Can't Shake It

2009-06-03T13:26:00.015+01:00

I went to buy a magazine this morning- no big deal, right? I don't buy them often because there are only a couple I enjoy reading but start of the month means new issues so I wanted to check out the latest editions. Every single magazine had articles on the cover with titles such as, "Get Your Perfect Body in 12 weeks" (or something similar). Who exactly ARE these people who decide what a 'perfect' body is? Is there a degree in designing ideal body shapes that I don't know about?

This stuff doesn't 'trigger' me, but it irritates me. My eating disorder has never been about achieving a 'perfect body' or aspiring to look like a celebrity (and I have never met anyone whose disorder HAS been about that, despite the hype in the media about fashion/models contributing to the rising rates in eating disorders). I think it's very easy to want to blame something concrete/tangible for the rampancy of eating disorders but I think it's a rather simplistic view to take and a bit of a cop-out to point fingers at the media. I've never paid any attention to celebrity's weights ("X has lost Ylbs"/"X has gained YYlbs- oh the horror!") because it is of no interest to me. I don't know these people and I have no interest on reading 'shock factor' stories about a footballers wife I've never heard of who was spotted eating *gasp* a piece of pizza. In public nonetheless. I don't consider this 'newsworthy' material, let alone something I want to spend money on purchasing.

I have sat through countless group therapy sessions talking about the impact the media has on body image. I've also sat through countless therapy sessions talking about the importance of self-acceptance being something to strive for. THIS I agree with, but what has been drummed into my head as "normal" doesn't seem to be that normal after all. The majority of the woman I know (not with eating disorders) share the same desire to lose Xlbs, the same mentality that certain foods are good/bad/should be avoided at all costs. I kind of feel like the more I work towards being "normal", the more "abnormal" I become. It's a little discouraging to think that disliking your body is the 'norm'.

I am really interested in fitness, health and nutrition because I can relate to lots of it from my own experiences, and it's a language I 'understand'. (Politics? Religion? Current affairs? RIGHT over my head!). But when health/nutrition/fitness crosses into the territory of "let's all eat cardboard for the next 3 months so we can look fab in a bikini" my brain switches off. Promoting healthy and balanced diets is one thing- promoting the idea that huge sacrifices are necessary because everyone needs to look a certain way is another. All kinds of factors come into play when it comes to body size/shape, and diet/exercise is only part of it. What is healthy for one person is NOT healthy for another. Some people's natural body weight is higher than others, some people need more/less food than others. There is no one weight/size that everyone should strive for. Strive for your OWN optimum health, and rock it out. Life's too short to waste chasing what some editor in a high-rise office building in Chicago has randomly decided is THE body to have. If weight loss is a health goal, I am ALL for supporting that in a realistic/balanced/healthy way, but to promote acheiving a "dream body in JUST 3 weeks" is just ridiculous.

Rock what you have, guys! Individuality and confidence is where true beauty is.

I never did get my magazine- though all is not lost. I saved $5 and killed my magazine reading time by writing a long ramble post instead :D

Any thoughts on this? I love hearing what you guys have to say, especially since everyone has different experiences- what are your thoughts on the media's influence on body image?

*********

Munchables! (which contributed to my 'awesomeness scale rating' jumping from a 3 to the much hoped for 8.5...oh yes!)

I HAD to open some of the amazing goodies that arrived yesterday. I have never tried almond butter before but have seen it all over blog world and have yet to be disappointed by any of your suggestions.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with almond butter. I do believe there were angels singing. This stuff is INCREDIBLE! I love the taste of almonds but I don't like the texture (CRUNCH!) and now...ah...expect to see this again. Soon.

Next up was the cherry almond Eat Natural bar, also from Aisha-

Chewy, little crunch, yoghurt coating, HUGE chunks of dried fruit...one word: YUM! (UK guys- you can get a free sample of this bar from their website!)

Part of my lunch included this sandwich:

Sandwich thin with Quorn fillets, BBQ sauce, pineapple and a little grated cheese. I LOVE fruit combined with savoury foods and pineapple + cheese go so well together.

What are some of your favourite sweet/savoury combinations?

That's all I've got for you guys right now- have a great Hump Day!

Oh, and go check out the fabulous Megan's giveaway!

Let's Talk 'Fundamentals'

2009-06-02T13:25:00.022+01:00

Today's Estimated Scale Of Awesomeness: 7/10
Today's Actual Scale Of Awesomeness: 2/10

Eh, c'est la vie. I have high hopes for tomorrow- an estimated scale of awesomeness coming in around 8.5.

Okay, scrap the title of this post. I mean FUN~~DAMENTALS~~. Better? I think so.

So onto the FUN stuff, cause sometimes I just need to kick back and have a good time. So more of THAT, yes?

I got a GREAT package in the mail today from Aisha over at Bambi's Fat Loss which cheered me up immensely!

almond butter (YAY!)
2 packs of muesli (banana chocolate and tropical fruit)
lots of awesome looking bars
ferreror rocher
green tea
lip balm
hand sanitiser

I am SO excited to try all of these things- especially the almond butter and muesli! Thanks so much Aisha! And thank you to Megan for organising the secret exchange!

*********

MUNCHABLES! (It's been too many days since that word was used).

Last night's dinner was no pot-luck- this was frozen in the packet. I like to at least pretend I am organised sometimes...hehe.

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with tomato basil sauce, and steamed spinach. This is one of my favourite meals, but every single time, half-way through eating I suddenly get very bored. So weird! This doesn't happen with anything else I eat- ketchup and Parmesan came to the rescue.

This morning kicked off at the lovely hour of 4am. Seriously. I blame the fact that we are having a heat wave (a 'Scottish' heat wave which really isn't a 'heat wave' at all), and the fact that I only have fleecy pyjamas and a special duvet that is actually equivalent to 3 duvets in one (talking 'togs' whatever the heck they are).

My breakfast however, was a bowl of sunshine.

Bran flakes, mashed banana and ~~cheesecake~~ Fage cherry twin pot. Love it.

I promised a 'certain someone' (you know who you are!) that I would do a review of one of the few protein bars readily available in the UK.

Also comes in chocolate flavour, but the white chocolate coating and hint of coconut is amazing. (UK guys: £1.50 at Holland and Barrett). Around 200 cals and 15g protein (?), but check this out:

91% of the RDA of calcium! JACKPOT. I have no idea how 'safe' it actually is to consume high levels of vitamins/minerals in one go considering I also take multivitamins/supplements, but am guessing that now and again is fine- and I couldn't afford to eat these more than 'now and again'. They are good though and WAY better than any other 'power bar' products I have tried.

Lunch was the last batch of my tuna/bean/salsa mix and last of my sprouts. I wasn't going to post yet another picture of it since I have this all the time, but I think it's kind of pretty. Plus it includes extra of last week's BSI ingredient and this corn wanted a chance to shine!

Final note: in reference to yesterday's oh-so-creative post title (heh), I will never talk about financial matters on this blog. Unless I have no money to buy yogurt, in which case I might start using said blog to auction off bodily organs.

Investments and Savings

2009-06-01T13:31:00.012+01:00

I know, SUCH an eye-catching title for a Monday :P

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with somebody about 'opening a bank account'. Not a regular bank account: a HAPPINESS bank account. The theory was/is that for every positive experience you have, you savour it while it lasts and then stash away the memory in this bank account. Over time, the 'capital' builds and then when the chips are down in life, you can head to the 'bank', pull out some of those happy times and relive the memories of when things get brighter.

I used to think that my 'bad' days were unique to me- it's only been pretty recently that I've realised that EVERYONE has crappy days. Everyone has days where everything seems to go wrong, or something bad happens or just a general "blah" feeling for no tangible reason. I'd love to be one of those people who are happy all the time and take everything in their stride- but I'm not. I over analyse things, I worry too much about stuff outwith my control and I take things very personally. I think this 'bank account' concept is such a great idea because on the inevitable crappy days, it's hard to remember that it's JUST a 'bad' day and it happens to most people. Some more frequently than others, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and occasional rainfalls are just part and parcel of being human.

So now my question: what good stuff has happened to you lately that you would want to put in your happiness account?

Heh, sometimes I feel like I think/talk too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep things lighter and write about...shoes? Interior design? Spaghetti?

Yes, food talk is good. So lets get to that...

*********

Last night's dinner turned into a 'pot luck'-type event. I pulled a container out of the freezer yesterday morning- I could identify red stuff (tomato sauce), white chunks which I thought were beans and green stuff which I thought was ~~mould~~ herbs. Bean stew?

PASTA! I was secretly very happy to discover this lay inside the icy box... This was made a while ago (containing a tomato herb sauce with melted laughing cow cheese, chopped up quorn filllet, broccoli and pasta) and I completely forgot I had some left. I should start labelling my tupperware (or just having fun with the surprises that come out of my freezer!) Where my beans have gone too, I have no idea...

Breakfast this morning was a K-inspired parfait...

Chopped apple, Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. This glass is this biggest one I own, but I think I need a proper parfait glass. I ended up throwing this into a bowl so I could mix it up properly...this picture is much prettier though so I won't show you the bowl-shot!

Money-shot of a snack...

Caramel peanut nougat Atkins bar. I am *not* an Atkins 'fan' by any means, but I like ~~anything with chocolate and caramel~~ high-protein snacks. The ingredient list kind of made me feel like I was in a chemistry lab, but hey...it tasted good.

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

Safety Zone Or Prison?

2009-05-31T13:25:00.007+01:00

I've talked a lot over the past few days about finding what works and sticking with it. I'm starting to wonder how good an idea this actually is- if something is going well, why take the risk of shaking things up an branching into new territory? I think I am running the risk of falling into an unnecessarily strict routine out of fear of what *might* happen if I try something new. There is a balance between accepting things as they are, and knowing when to push that little bit further and see if the 'limits' can be stretched further. Stepping out of a safety zone feels scary and almost unnecessary, but on the other hand, a 'safety zone' can end up feeling more suffocating than comforting.

I like routines. I like to know what's happening in advance, I like to plan ahead and I like to be prepared. I like scientific and mathematical solutions to problems - 'x = 2y' makes sense to me. Life isn't like that. Life demands a level of flexibility- an ability to adapt, to change, to grow. There is nothing WRONG with routines in themselves, except when they get to a point where they become ingrained to the point where going with the 'flow' of life becomes too challenging. Isn't that what life is about? Trying new things, experimenting, discovering, learning?

This is all prompted by me opening my fridge this morning and realising it's virtually empty, having already bought all the food I need for this week. No, I'm not planning on not eating (!), but I am trying to use up more of the stash of food in my freezer right now (which means a lot of boring/repetitive meals for the next couple of weeks). Common sense? Perhaps. I could also very easily fall into the habit of eating the same things over and over again until I find myself scared to break out of what has become a completely rigid routine.

What are your thoughts on 'doing what works' versus taking leaps of faith and trying new things? Do you consider yourself to be someone who likes routine/predictability or do you prefer 'winging-it' and seeing where life takes you?

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

- Grey's Anatomy

***********

I did want to try a new twist on my breakfast this morning: blueberry and cream oats!

I cooked up plain oats (in water), then swirled them in with blueberries and fromage frais. This was REALLY good- exact same ingredients as yesterday's breakfast, but a whole bunch of different textures/flavours. I don't recommend this if you like your oatmeal really hot though! Frozen blueberries and cold yogurt drop the temperature :P

Today is the last day for submissions to Katie's new food challenge ...

Okay, I don't know much about sprouts. A sprout is a sprout to me- I've only ever eaten alfalfa sprouts before and assumed they were all pretty much identical. WRONG! The radish sprouts were purple (which automatically makes them cool in my opinion) but they had a completely different taste- much more of a 'kick' than alfalfa which...hehe, taste like grass (and yes, I have eaten grass!)

The spiciness of the sprouts got pretty lost once mixed up with my fiesta salad (tuna, rice, kidney beans, salsa) but still looked pretty!

PURPLE! I want to try some other sprouts now- any recommendations?

HUGE congratulations to everyone who ran yesterday. I caught part of the Edinburgh Marathon today and now that I've read so much more about what actually goes on in training/preparation for such a feat, I have nothing but respect for all of you runners out there. This afternoon is going to be spent catching up with blogs to read recaps!

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- can you believe tomorrow is the first of JUNE?! Where is this year going?

Girl About Town

2009-05-30T13:30:00.023+01:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on yesterday's post. I'm glad to hear that we all share similar ideas on this- that we have the right to share our thoughts/feelings and it's not our responsibility how somebody else decides to use that information. Our blogs are personal and reflect our own goals which AREN'T necessarily the same as somebody else's- I don't think anyone should ever feel like they have to censor what they say or 'baby' their readers... If we aren't honest or can't say what we think, then what's the point in a blog? Something my dad once told me which I think is applicable when it comes to advice/ideas from other people, "take what you can and discard the rest". Find what works for you and run with it!

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

********

Today it feels like SUMMER! Glorious sunshine- I wanted to make the most of it today because this is Scotland and you never know how long good weather will last! Sunshine therapy, vitamin D...what more could I ask for?

I slept until almost 6am- SCORE! Leapt out of bed and had breakfast before packing my bag and heading out to roam the city...

Oats/fromage frais/vanilla mix with blueberries, almonds and apricot jam.

This is on one side of the main road I walk along every day to get into town- so much prettier in the sun!

The other end of the street, just before hitting the town centre.

I have lived in Edinburgh on and off since I was 1 and still think it's so cool to have a castle bang in the middle of the city.

Oooh...what's this?

FARMERS MARKET! Double score!

There wasn't much there aside from meat/cheese/wine, but they did have a porridge/oatmeal stall! Check out the menu:

Toppings include whisky with honey (!), white chocolate with hazelnuts and a pear/sultana/almond mix. I started talking to the guy after asking for permission to take a photo (and assuring him I didn't work for an oatmeal company...ha) and couldn't help but laugh when he asked if I had ever heard of/tried oatmeal with 'toppings'. I mentioned the pumpkin/PB combination but resisted the urge to go into elaborate details of cookie dough or spinach/cauliflower oats with so many people around...next time!

I made lunch when I got home- another humus wrap using lots of your ideas...

paprika (Olga)
mushrooms (K)
sprouts (Cacti)
spinach

Good teamwork guys! Words cannot even describe how good this was- messy, but delicious. Aaaaaand...that's a wrap (cheesy jokes never get old!)

Hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start! What's your favourite way to spend a sunny weekend?

Me, My Blog and I

2009-05-29T13:22:00.021+01:00

Thank you for your feedback on yesterday's post about finding balance- seems to be a general consensus that 1) this is something most of us struggle/have struggled with at some point, and 2) how essential it is to prioritise and set aside time for things that ARE important. Putting my health as a priority is not something that comes easily to me which is what I am struggling with- because right now, it IS a priority that I am not willing to compromise. Identifying the things that help me feel good physically and mentally is one of the main things I am figuring out right now and that's pretty much what my blog is all about.

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Yesterday Caitlin posted about food blogs and the responses she has had to her blog/lifestyle- it prompted an interesting discussion and made me think about a few things which I wanted to address. It was very interesting to read the responses- quite a mix of opinions from both people with eating disorders, and people without. Worth checking out.

First of all, I want to apologise to anyone who has been triggered by anything I have said in my blog. I try to keep it as 'safe' as possible, but am also aware that I share a lot of the same struggles that you guys do and my blog is my outlet to talk about the ups and downs. I want to keep it 'trigger free' but I also want to keep it honest and open. I can only speak from my own experiences and share my thoughts/views, and I truly value each and every comment and word of advice/feedback I receive in return.

I can't tell you how much blogging has helped me over the past few months and I am finding that as time goes on, I am drawn more and more to blogs about healthy and balanced lifestyles rather than ones that focus solely on eating disorders/recovery. I still relate very much to the eating disorder discussions/struggles, but I am finding that as my own recovery grows stronger, these are getting harder for me to read. I don't know if this is a positive sign of growth/change, or a sign that I have merely become heartless? I feel very much in transition right now between the 'old' blog about my daily struggles and my 'new' blog which hopefully reflects the changes that have happened (and continue to happen). There are a LOT of blogs out there- some I follow because they demonstrate the balanced lifestyle I am striving for or because they interest me, and some I have had to stop reading because I find them frustrating or upsetting. There are a lot of great blogs out there and I have nothing but respect for people who take the time and energy to post and share as much as they do. I have never judged ANYONE based on what they eat or the things they write- if it's not healthy for me to read for whatever reason, I don't read it. Simple as that. I imagine many do the same with my blog! If I think I can offer some support or advice, I'll throw it out there for consideration but it's up to the individual to use/discard what I say. I am in NO way perfect or a 'role model'- I put my own story into words and am finding what makes my life more in tune with the goals I have.

I don't compare myself to other bloggers the way I used to and that has been the biggest change for me over the last few months- discovering what works for ME. Which is different for everyone. I DO NOT post entire day's worth of food so please don't think that my photos are an entire day's worth of food. I am also trying to avoid focusing on eating disorders and talk in what I hope is a much broader/general outlook on "life" rather than "anorexia".

My blog is not a 'food blog' in the same way that some are. It's about an ever-evolving relationship with myself, food and life itself. I don't want my blog to be associated with eating disorders because whilst I am in 'recovery', my biggest struggle right now is NOT about 'symptoms', but finding a manageable, healthy and meaningful way of life.

I LOVE reading your comments and thoughts, whether positive or negative, I DO want to hear it. All are gratefully received and I learn a lot from hearing your views and opinions. Some of the negativity can hurt or seems a little inappropriate, but some people have openly challenged me or disagreed with me and it has led to some great discussions. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to agree with the things I say or approve of what I do- and I hope that people do feel able to say, "hey- wait a minute...I don't like that".

Caitlin's post made me think a lot about the responsibilities bloggers have to their readers- my personal opinion of this is that bloggers have no responsibility beyond being respectful of others whilst sharing their views, and accepting that not everybody is going to like/agree with what they say. Sharing your life in a blog does open up doors to criticism and negativity- it seems a lot of us have experienced this at some point. For me, the support and positive feedback I receive far outweighs the negative. I think we all need to take responsibility for ourselves- whether writing or reading, if something is triggering or upsetting, there are choices beyond writing negative anonymous comments. You can ask for clarification or challenge (I have yet to come across a blogger who is not willing to discuss things further if asked) or you can simply close the window and walk away. We all make our own choices, sometimes influences by other people, but ultimately...it's us who has to decide what is right for us. If somebody chooses to take another blogger's lifestyle and copy it as their own, that's their decision and not the blogger's responsibility.

I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes by talking about this more, but Caitlin's post really made me question my blog/the direction it is going versus the original intention, and a lot of the comments made me wonder how my blog is perceived by readers.

Whew. That was long. Anyone still with me? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...

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Today is the first day in Edinburgh that I can honestly say feels like summer! It is GLORIOUS sunshine and actually...t-shirt weather? Okay, maybe not quite but definitely not hot oatmeal weather.

Pumpkin, cinnamon, plain fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter. I swear those are honey nut- they always land face down in my yogurt! There is all kind of honey nut goodness on the other side!

Snack was a heated up Clif-z smores bar:

Sometimes a little chocolate therapy is needed :) I don't like these cold, but slightly warming them takes them to a whole new level!

Lunch included a repeat of my Coronation chicken wrap from a couple days ago but for some reason tasted SO much better. I swear summer weather just makes life...sweeter.

Thank you for the hummus suggestions- I have big plans for tomorrow's wrap!

Random question: I found THIS STUFF today in the health food store and it looks great- anyone got a recommended use for it before I buy a jar? Sounds delicious!

Keeping Balance

2009-05-28T13:31:00.012+01:00

So many things I want to say today. First of all, THANK YOU for your comments on yesterday's posts- as I wrote it, it felt like a sort of 'confessional' and I was thrilled beyond words to find so many people who share the same thoughts/feelings.

Second of all, I did get feedback on my article. Verdict? It is going to be up on the organisations website later this week!!! I am SO excited about this. The positive response I got was such a surprise to me- I really was expecting a, "thanks but no thanks" email from them (*must have more faith in self*). I don't want to go into too many details at this point, but I will say that it is an eating disorders recovery/advocacy network that I am thrilled to be involved with and I am really excited about the work I'll be doing with them.

Which brings me onto today's topic.

Writing my article and submitting it has been both a source of huge enjoyment and stress for me. I LOVE writing, especially when it is something I am passionate about so this was a great thing for me to do, but the stress comes from the perfectionist side of me which kind of kills the 'fun factor'. I get so anxious in situations where I am putting myself 'out there' and open to feedback/criticism, that nothing else seems as important- partly why my sleep has gotten so funky the past week. It doesn't feel AS important as making sure my work is the best it can be, that targets/deadlines are met, that everything is up to scratch. The problem lies in finding a balance between being busy and taking time to look after myself. From reading other people's blogs, I know this is not an uncommon difficulty. My schedule right now is NOT overly crammed full on purpose- I find it almost impossible to draw the line between working and relaxation/self-care so am working on gradually building up my level of commitments whilst simultaneously building up the skills to balance them. For now, I'm doing okay, but the past week has been a 'test' and highlighted the fact that whilst on a day-to-day basis, I'm doing well, there are still a lot of things I need to work on:

let go of the idea that I have to be 'perfect': do my best and just leave it at that
put my health as a priority: without decent amounts of food/sleep/exercise, I'm not going to be in a state to do anything properly
keep it all balanced: I qualified as a life coach a few years ago with a particular focus on developing/maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle...easier said than done, but it's NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

Question for you all: how do you find time to fit in commitments alongside taking care of your emotional/physical health? I read your blogs and am amazed at the amount of things you manage to squeeze into your days (runs, work, cooking, blogging, etc). Do you all have an extra few hours in the day that I don't know about? :P

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Munchables...(I think there should be a 'blogger' dictionary- so many terms are used around blogs that people in the 'real world' have no idea what they mean! My family are getting used to me saying, "I'm HANGRY" now!)

Breakfast this morning featured one of my favourite cereals:

For people in the UK, this company now does their own version of MixMyGranola which has been mentioned a lot on blogs- you can check it out HERE.

With cooked apple and Fage...

I had a few hours to kill before leaving for work so I roasted up some vegetables...

(eggplant, zuchinni and onions)

...so that when I came home from work, I could quickly throw together a fabulous lunch:

Okay, it doesn't look so fabulous- you're going to have to trust me when I say it tasted great! Roasted vegetables, spinach and red pepper hummus in flax lavash wrap. I told you I'd do *something* with hummus!

I LOVE roasted vegetables and am so glad I tried hummus again- I think this has the potential to become another regular rotation on my lunch menus. What are your favourite things to put in hummus sandwiches?

I...Love Food

2009-05-27T13:31:00.010+01:00

It seems to be a fairly common misconception that people with eating disorders hate eating. I can only speak for myself, but I have never hated eating. The thoughts/feelings that arose from it (about myself), yes, but not eating itself. I love food and always have. I have never enjoyed the sensation of hunger (which is probably partly why I chose starving myself as a "coping mechanism?)

When I was 13, I vowed to never again say out loud, "I'm hungry". To do so meant admitting that I had needs and wants which I would far rather have ignored. I have had many a heated argument with people who suggested that I was hungry- me? NO WAY. I didn't want to show what I felt was a sign of weakness/lack of control. I secretly loved being in hospital where I was forced to eat because FINALLY I had the 'permission' to eat that I didn't feel worthy of giving myself.

I don't know quite when this changed but it most definitely has. I think a lot of it has come from reading blogs and seeing that eating is not only essential to health/life, but also a great source of pleasure and interest for a lot of people. I know there are a lot of people who struggle with finding a healthy relationship with food/their bodies, and I'm still working on that. But I am no longer scared to admit to being hungry, to needing food, to needing anything. It's not a sign of weakness or greed- it's part of being human.

Part of me feels like this is just too good to be true. That it is just a matter of time before I start spiralling downwards again- but the bigger/stronger part of me is thrilled at the thought of never having to starve myself again. And I DON'T have to. I like to eat and I want to live, so there's nothing to be negotiated further. ("Mmmmkay, anorexia? You hear me?") There are still niggling doubts and questions at the back of my mind: what if my body starts changing and I can't deal with it? What if I start questioning whether or not I WANT to live? How do I deal with stress without retreating into my eating disorder. I need to keep reminding myself that anorexia causes a whole set more of problems than it solves, that I am strong enough to face the world head-on without resorting to 'coping mechanisms' which don't work. That I deserve to eat, that I deserve to be healthy, that I deserve to take up a place in the world.

In other news: still no news/feedback about my article. I don't know how to interpret this so am just...waiting (and WAITING) and still no sleep. FGHJKJHVVJUJ! Anyone got tried and tested natural sleep remedies?

Random quote for the day which is completely unrelated to my post, but relevant nonetheless:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

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Munchables! (is that a real word?)
edit: according to spellcheck, no, it's not a real world. I am still using it. My blog = poetic license, no?

Last night's lack of energy called for Amy's help...

Teriyaki bowl with extra vegetables.

I've had this meal before and really liked it, but it tasted strange last night- a very strong taste of ginger (ICK!) and a very strong taste of lime (another ICK- ginger and citrus fruits are my most hated foods!). The vegetables were a stir-fry blend including pak choi for Katie's new food challenge- ~~it had no flavour so I covered it in ketchup~~ It tasted not unlike cabbage but with a tougher texture. I am not a fan.

Breakfast this morning, bright eyed and bushy-tailed at exactly 4:47am (I need coffee and food as soon as I get up!)

Pumpkin banana oats topped with peanut butter. Love it. At any hour (and it did make up for being awake so early!)

Snack was my last mini Clif bar...

...topped with white chocolate peanut butter. Loved this too.

For lunch I made a wrap! Well, assembled the wrap. Wrap + filling + ever improving rolling skills (right, Jaime?!)

Coronation chicken salad and spinach in lavash wrap. Kind of looks like egg salad, but there is most definitely chicken in there (along with raisins and dried apricots). Loved this too (sensing a theme with today's food? Oh-so-loveable!)

I am in a surprisingly loving/happy mood today- maybe this lack of sleep isn't such a bad thing?!
Hope everyone is having a hoppin' happenin' Hump Day!

The Waiting Game

2009-05-26T13:42:00.012+01:00

Thank you so much for your feedback on my thoughts about perfectionism. I am aware that it's gotten to a point where I NEED to find a way to ease up a bit- I am at a stage where I am reluctant to even attempt to do anything because the fear of not being 'good enough' is so horrifying.

Having said that, I finished the article last night and emailed it in. Waiting nervously for some kind of response and trying to be patient since yesterday was a bank holiday and there is a 7-8 hour time difference.

Onto today...

Oy vey. This lack of sleep is catching up on me. I can barely move today! I think it's the 'crash' I tend to get after running on adrenaline for a few days- when I was 18 and sitting some exams, I worked really hard in the lead up to them, then slept for a solid 4 days after! Having sent the email and no longer have it in my hands to edit/redo, there is a sense of relief and I just want to sleep all day.

So it's done and all I can do is wait ~~nervously~~ patiently...

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Last night I heated up leftovers from the freezer- I need to clean it out and it's currently crammed full!

Quorn in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage + spring onion mashed potato, roasted mushrooms and steamed broccoli.

I don't know what possessed me to make this- I have decided that I really don't LIKE potatoes! They went well with the quorn and sauce though so it's all good. I used chicken last time I had this, but prefer the texture (and price) of quorn...oh, economy- sort it out!

My laziness is definitely reflected in today's meals!

Breakfast this morning was a standard...

Bran flakes, microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot. I'm not kidding when I say this tastes like cheesecake!

I bummed around for most of the morning- went out for some 'mystery shopping' (hehe...). Snack...

I now only have one pumpkin spice Clif to use up- I LOVE Clif bars but am seriously burned out on this flavour. I have a pretty big stash of maple nut waiting... I have been looking at the protein bars available here recently and there is such a small selection here! Pureprotein bars (my favourite) used to be readily available in limited flavours (and only the really big ones) but they have vanished. I would have thought there is a market here for protein bars...apparently not?

Lunch was a burrito bowl repeat due to 1) feeling lazy, 2) feeling very uncreative and 3) wanting an excuse to eat lots of salsa.

That's all I've got for today...off to catch up on some blogs, sleep, facebook, ~~check my emails a zillion times~~, sleep, eat dinner...did I mention sleep? Also playing around with the great 'bar builder' Heather is doing a giveaway from- check it OUT!

Just...(not) Perfect

2009-05-25T13:35:00.017+01:00

I was asked last week to write an article about my struggle with anorexia and recovery. I jumped at the idea, without really giving it too much thought. It's been a much harder task than I anticipated- putting something into words what doesn't really, to this day, make very much sense to me (never mind anyone who might read it). What became really apparent as my article took shape was my need to be 'perfect'. To be successful, to make something of myself. It wasn't until I started writing and looking back to when this all started that I realised quite how much of an impact my need to prove myself has had on me. The feeling of never been good enough, of never meeting my own standards, of constantly feeling judged and criticised for my flaws.

The article is pretty much finished and I can't quite bring myself to send it. I've mentioned how much trouble I am having with sleep right now and the article is a huge part of that- I wake up at 3am with something I *need* to edit it right at that moment, and before I know it, I have a big mug of coffee in my hand and am hammering away at my laptop. Clearly my desire to have everything 'perfect' is still there!

I don't think this is ever going to go away. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember- my parents were called in to meet with my teacher when I was 6 because I made a mistake on a spelling test and she didn't think that my level of distress was normal for a 6 year old. Every time I have taken a job or gone back to school, it's been a matter of days before this feeling of inadequace/incompetance creeps in and I start running myself into the ground trying to reach that elusive goal of excelling, I retreat into my default of restrtcing because I know I can do that. Having ruled that out as an option, I am left with the question, "how do I accept myself as I am?"

I know, on a rational level, that perfection isn't possible- if it was, I probably wouldn't be aiming for it. It would be nothing special. It would be 'normal'. I want it because I want to feel special, extraordinary. Not for attention or recognition, but because deep down I feel like I need to show the world that I am deserving of a place in it.

I am aware that this is absurd. Nobody is judging or criticising me (nobody whose opinion I care about anyway!). This isn't coming from anyone else, except my own deep-rooted insecurities. I'm trying to let go. To ease up on myself and remind myself that I am good enough just for who I AM- I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need some great high-flying job to define me anymore than I need an eating disorder to define me. Self-acceptance has never been unconditional to me- it's always been based on what grades I got, what awards I won, what job I got, what I weighed. I'm trying so hard to look beyond that: my personality, my sense of humour, my passions. All the things that make me unique and special just for being ME- accepting myself for who I am, not what I have done.

"When you aim for perfection, you discover that it's a moving target"

Meanwhile, the article seems disjointed, inarticulate, nonsensical. There is SO much I want to say but I am struggling to adequately express what I need to in the way I want to. I have sent it to my dad to proofread (English teacher for a father has it's perks!). As anxious as I am about throwing this out there, I am excited beyond words to have the opportunity to share my story. It's been interesting to write, and has definitely made me come to a few realisations about what steps I need to be taking right now.

Any other perfectionists out there who have found some sort of balance/way of letting go?

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Munchables...

Memorial Day Muesli!

Usual oats/fromage frais/vanilla/blueberries/almonds- with a dollop of raspberry jam for patriotic/visual purposes! Note to self: almonds + jam is a delicious combination (I need to try almond butter one of these days!)

Snack...

Bare Naked fruit and nut granola with Fage. I could quite happily eat Bare Naked granola all day long (mom- if you are reading this, PLEASE bring some back from NY for me!). Hands down, my favourite snack.

Lunch was another salad- despite the fact that it still feels like winter here in Scotland!

Mushrooms (in a sauce made from melted laughing cow + pesto) with kidney beans, roasted sweet potato and spinach. Pesto is so underrated- this stuff is amazing, and so packed with flavour. I have a whole jar (minus 1/2 tbsp now!) to experiment with so expect more basil parmesan delights...

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend- I thought it was a holiday here in the UK, but having been out and about all morning, don't think it's a holiday in Scotland afterall!

Learning From The Start

2009-05-24T13:39:00.015+01:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on intuitive eating- seems to be something a lot of us struggle with. I wonder how many people truly eat intuitively? I think kids set a great example of knowing when they are hungry/full, and making it clear what they like and don't like.
What was your experience with food when you were growing up?

I was brought up eating a pretty healthy and varied diet- all the kids at school would bring chips/cookies for break time, and I would have tubs of dried fruit and mushrooms! We all sat down to meals at home together and were expected to finish what we were given without any arguments complaints about what was served. This was good because it meant I tried a lot of things most kids probably don't eat regularly (snails!), but on the other hand, I think it makes it harder now because eating intuitively/according to what my body asks for has never been encouraged.

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Last night I cooked!

Quorn fillets chopped up in tomato sauce with laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta. My obsession with quorn is growing... There are so many things you can do with this stuff! I love that it's high in protein, but soy free, and so much cheaper than meat/fish. It has more flavour itself than tofu, but also takes on the taste of whatever it is cooked with.

This morning's breakfast was...a challenge.

Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with skimmed milk and sliced banana.

Looks ~~ugly~~ innocent enough, and was certainly 'safe'- the challenge refers to yesterday's post about my fear of being hungry. I usually make sure to get a decent amount of protein and fiber, along with a little fat at breakfast- just what seems to work best for me. This meal was much more "carb" based and I was really scared of a repeat of yesterday morning's horrible empty feeling (I have no issues with consuming carbohydrates, I just prefer my meals to be more balanced). The verdict? I need to trust my body more! I really liked this breakfast and was just as comfortable afterwards as my other breakfasts: moral of the story? Some days different nutrients are required for different purposes. Today this worked.

Lunch was a protein packed FIESTA!

I have decided to call this a 'burrito bowl'. For no other reason than that it contains salsa. It isn't in a bowl, and although I've never been, doubt very much that it's anything LIKE what Chipotle serve...good nonetheless. In the mix: tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- what have you got planned for Memorial Day?

Body's Talkin'

2009-05-23T13:30:00.014+01:00

Thank you so much for the comments on yesterday's post! It's always strange looking back over old entries, but it's also a great way to see how far you have come by reflecting on the past.

What I had originally wanted to talk about yesterday was 'hunger'. The past few days, my appetite has been completely non-existent (which was what I wanted to discuss)- I have mixed feelings about this- in some ways, it's easier for me to eat if I'm NOT hungry because it feels more in control. On the other hand, it's hard to justify eating if I'm NOT hungry- I figure that if my body isn't asking for food, it doesn't need it. (I eat according to my plan, regardless, just my feelings about it are different). Today has been the complete opposite. I find it hard to recognise 'hunger' and 'fullness' a lot of the time, but today have been painfully aware of my stomach screaming out for food. Being hungry is horrible. I can't stand the feeling of emptiness, of my stomach churning. Especially when it seems to come from nowhere- there was no reason why *today* should have been different from yesterday, but it was. I start to resent my body for betraying me- why now? Why today? How DARE it need food when I already ate?!.. I also hate the memories and associations that hunger gives me- it takes me back to the days where I was literally starving, and could not bring myself to eat. I am not in that place now, but the physical sensations of hunger remind me so painfully of that time.

I am a firm believer that if you are craving certain things, it's because your body needs it. I am trying to generalise this to 'being hungry = needing food'. It sounds so simple, but it''s easier said than done. I hate the sensation of hunger, but I also hate what it represents- needing, wanting, a lack of control over my own body ("I ate xxx for breakfast- I should NOT be hungry yet"). It's uncomfortable physically and mentally- I get irritable, shaky, tearful. It's REALLY hard for me to trust my body and let it tell me when it needs more food- but I really think that our bodies are better judges of what we need than our minds are. If my stomach is growling and it's been several hours since breakfast, chances are, I AM hungry. It's NOT a sign of weakness of greediness- it's a sign of being human. Our bodies require fuel even if we spend all day in bed. Our organs, muscles...the human body is performing zillions of tasks at any given moment, all requiring a decent amount of energy. Recognising hunger is one thing, honouring it is another. I eat according to the clock- it honestly doesn't occur to me on days like today to eat an extra snack or bring a meal forward... I panic about misreading what message my body is sending me and don't yet trust my body/mind to work together. On the other hand, our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt- I spend ludicrous amounts of time working out exact calories in meals, and hours figuring out a day's worth of food. I have lost count of the numbers of days I have spent with a calculator, working out weights, BMIs, etc. The thing is, it's pretty pointless. Some days our bodies need a bit more food or a bit less. Weight fluctuates, as does our intake requirements. Obsessing over a yogurt which has 10 calories more than my regular brand can throw me into a headspin for the entire day, but our bodies don't NOTICE a few calories/pounds here or there. It takes quite a significant amount of calories in either direction for my body to change much so it's futile for me to spend so much time stressing over 'perfect' meal plans.

Tuning in and listening to what your body says is HARD- but it's so important. Our bodies don't see numbers on scales, or graphs or charts. They see food as what it is: nutrients, energy. If they are asking for something, they deserve to be honoured. Bodies talk... I'm trying to listen.

So anyway, some of today's food... (NOT all inclusive BTW!)

Breakfast, again at 5am...(what is UP with my sleep patterns these days?!)

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, blueberries and raw almonds. This is usually one of my more filling breakfasts- not today apparently!

Snack...

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Love it. These bars are a month past their 'use by' date... I'm a daredevil, I know.

For lunch I had something new again! Excuse the messiness- presentation wasn't a priority (clearly :P )

Hummus, carrot, alfalfa sprouts and rocket (arugula?) on wholewheat bread. I forgot how much I LOVE hummus! I actually don't like raw carrots at all, except when they are shredded with hummus. This sandwich was delicious and satisfying (FINALLY!). I don't know why I don't have hummus more often- it's cheap, nutritious and delicious. Maybe I'll get round to trying an infamous 'crack wrap' one of these days...

I'd love to hear about people's experiences with becoming more of an 'intuitive eater' and starting to trust their bodies...

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far!

200th Post = Reflection

2009-05-22T13:26:00.011+01:00

This is my 200th post! I didn't realise this until just now when I opened up my blog so instead of what I planned to blog about, thought I should recap a little of what's been going down in my world since the blog started...

I first started blogging intending to focus on the impact giving up dancing has had on my life. I never intended to go into depths about my eating disorder, though in hindsight, that was kind of unavoidable. I started dancing when I was 20- it was pure chance that I went to the class, and completely unexpected that I would not only go BACK for more classes, but that I would fall in love with dancing. There is no feeling in the world to me that matches the adrenaline rush a the music starts, the feeling of rhythm pulsing through my body, my muscles surging with power as the warm-up kicked off. My dance studio started to feel like 'home'- a safe place where there was no time to think about calories or weight, except to feel the strength of my body as I leaped and twirled around the room. I watched myself in the mirror- not criticising my body for what it looked like, but seeing how I could master the movements and copy my teacher's demonstration. It was the first time that I saw food as FUEL- much needed energy to power me through my classes. I ate with dancing on my brain, my muscles reaping the benefits of a healthy and adequate diet. My focus shifted from what foods were "safe" to what foods would give me the best sources of energy for dancing.

After several injuries, I had to accept that dancing could no longer be a part of my life. I felt lost without my "safe place" to go to, food felt unnecessary, strength and health just felt...meaningless. It all felt very unfair. I had nobody to blame but myself- my years of disordered eating had taken too much of a toll on my body for me to carry on with something I was so passionate about.

Dancing was replaced with losing weight again- I drifted from one thing to another (classes, jobs, activities) trying to fill that void. I moved around a lot- London to Scotland to New York to Scotland, back to New York, back to Scotland, to London...trying to find somewhere I fitted in, somewhere I felt safe, somewhere my eating disorder would not be present. Do I miss dancing? Sometimes. For the most part, I have accepted that that chapter of my life has ended and have focused my energy on other things. Then there are times when I drift into daydreams of being back in the studio, aware of nothing but the floor beneath my feet, the fan above my head, the mirrors lining the walls, the music pulsing through the studio. I get pangs not unlike 'homesickness', but overall, I've moved on and am okay with that. I miss what it represented to me and the way my life WAS back then- the same reasons why I miss New York. I miss who I became in the studio.

It has taken me a long time to realise that my eating disorder is inside of me. Changing the outside doesn't change the inside- dancing helped me manage my relationship with my body/food, and it felt like the floor had been pulled from beneath me when I had to stop.

That void is still there. How do I manage it? I try different things. Some days writing helps. Some days long walks help. Some days being with other people helps. Some days being by myself helps. There is no "one size fits all"- finding what works at any given moment is trial and error. Every day is different- I wake up with a slightly different view of the world and of myself. My goals change, my perception changes, the seasons change. I am trying, to the best of my ability, to face up to what I am thinking and feeling. To own it, to accept it, to embrace it. To say, "this is where I am right now". I have crappy moments and crappy days- but who doesn't? Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I am starting to see that it is the contrast between the rainstorms and sunshine that make me appreciate the sun's warmth, and gives me the strength to brave the storms.

So yes, the blog has changed a lot over the last 200 posts. So have I. I am becoming ME- discovering and creating the strong and independent person I want to be, who doesn't need anorexia in her life, who has the strength to fight her own demons, and speaks her own truth. This is not the end of my journey by any means- in some ways, it's just a beginning. A beginning I am excited about because it's the start of a solo journey- without anorexia by my side.

Woah. That was longer than I intended. Sorry guys!

Food and fun and shenanigans...

Breakfast at the lovely hour of 5am...

Bran flakes, Fage cherry twin pot and microwaved banana. Heaven in a bowl! I've never seen the Fage 2% yogurts here aside from the twin pots- anyone in the UK managed to hunt it down?

Snack- Sam over at Eat Natural was kind enough to send my some of their new bars to try!

This was DELICIOUS! The chewy dried fruit, the crunchy nuts, the crisp puffed rice and yogurt coating was an amazing combination. It tasted just like Bakewell Tart! Check out all the fruit and nuts in this bar...

Lunch after work was a new one for me...

Quorn fillets with BBQ sauce, a little shredded cheese and spinach on a wholewheat sandwich thin. This was really good! I've had BBQ sauce in the fridge for months, and never really use it- same with the quorn fillets in my freezer. YAY for branching out and discovering great combinations!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Doing What Works

2009-05-21T13:28:00.015+01:00

I haven't been doing my planned reading ~~much~~ at all this week, but I DID do something out of the ordinary last night...

My mom is going to New York tomorrow for both her and my Grandpa's birthday- I thought homemade cards would be a nice change. Mom's love their kids artwork regardless of what it looks like (I hope- any mom's out there want to reassure me that my mom won't feel cheated out of a store bought card?!) I had so much fun lying on the floor covered in glue and sticking glittery stars all over the place! Aaaah... I think I need to invest in some finger paints!

Anyway...

Since I have been posting more about my food intake lately, I wanted to talk about it a bit. I don't post a full day's intake because I don't see that as being helpful for me right now. I have often fallen into the trap of comparing my intake to others and feeling guilty because I don't eat a clean/raw/vegan/organic diet. My diet, overall, is not unhealthy (in my opinion!). I am working on developing a healthier relationship with food- it's not about the food itself, but about the way I view it and use it. For a long time, my food has been selected primarily on nutritional content- right now the focus is more on 1) eating an adequate amount, 2) trying new things and rediscovering what I like/dislike based on taste and 3) finding out what foods make ME feel my best. I do rely a lot on protein bars and I do eat prepackaged foods pretty frequently. I don't feel 'bad' about this- for now, it's a good way for me to get the nutrition that I need whilst experimenting with different foods. I haven't seen a dietitian for about 2 years and I don't talk specifically about my meals in therapy, so I make my own plans and can discuss progress/struggles when I see my therapist.

I've toyed with the idea of becoming vegetarian again and I've considered cutting out dairy. Going 'raw' has also been on my mind- for me, at this point, none of that would be helpful because I don't think my relationship with food is healthy enough for me to cut things out without falling into restriction. I would never knock anyone who DOES choose to be vegetarian/vegan/raw- it's just not right for me/my body/my recovery.

Bottom line- I do what works for ME (which is likely different to what works for you). I eat more than some food bloggers, and less than others. My weight has been stable for a few weeks so I am obviously doing something right. Finding a balance between losing/gaining is tricky (for a lot of us, I think!) and that 'middle ground' is different for everyone.

I am only now discovering how different foods affect me mentally and physically- no way am I ready to jump headfirst into intuitively eating, but I am paying more attention to how I feel before eating and how different food choices affect my energy/satiety levels. It's a journey. I don't expect to go straight from 14 years of 'prescribed' meal plans (either by a dietitian or my eating disorder) into suddenly being able to honour my body's signals, but I am once again starting to enjoy food and see it as fuel for the life I want to live rather than as something to torture myself with.

So, food!

I wanted to try my overnight muesli with pumpkin.

Pumpkin, oats, vanilla, fromage frais topped with melted peanut butter. Verdict? It didn't taste much better than it looks! This was lacking...something. Banana maybe? I won't be rushing to make this again- I know I said I liked the cold pumpkin/cereal combination, but I've missed my pumpkin banana oats this week!

Snack was a bar that Sam sent me a while ago.

It was pretty good! I am not generally a fan of Kashi products (I know...blasphemy in the blog world!) but I loved the cinnamon flavour in this, and any bar with frosting/yogurt coating is automatically a winner in my book!

Lunch was a Coronation chicken and spinach wrap...

Coronation chicken is basically curried chicken salad- which according to Wikipedia, was created in 1953 for the Queen's coronation. Random British trivia for you! I think my wrapping skills have improved! (Another shout out to Jaime!)

And speaking of Jaime, check out her awesome giveaway!

Solid Ground

2009-05-20T13:33:00.010+01:00

I woke up this morning at 5am like I do every other morning.
I turned on my laptop like I do every other morning.
I weighed myself like I do every other morning.

My weight had increased slightly from yesterday- I stood and looked at the number waiting for the usual feelings of anxiety and despair to flood over me. I watched the number flicker as the scales switched off. I waited. I breathed. I didn't care. It was a number. Nothing more, nothing less. I walked through to the kitchen, put on the kettle and lit a cigarette. I didn't think again about the scale or my weight- I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast. I did laundry and went for a walk- I spent a while in little gift shops looking for birthday cards. I came home and opened my mail- a letter that would usually trigger all kinds of anxiety was opened, read and placed on my coffee table to deal with later.

I made lunch.
I had a cup of tea.

I'm sitting here now and this all feels...bizarre. Foreign. Where did barrage of negative thoughts go? Where is the anxiety that usually fuels my exercise and daily rituals? Where did this feeling of calmness come from? I feel like I am standing on solid ground. Not in a manic frenzy of feeling like I can take on the world, but a sense of internal strength that I can handle this moment. I'm not thinking about this evening or tomorrow or next week. Each moment that comes my way can be dealt with. Maybe all this talk of acceptance has sunk in and I am finally embracing what 'is' rather than focusing on what was or what will be...

Breathing. Staying calm. Staying focused. Taking it as it comes.

***********

Breakfast this morning was the return of an old favourite.

Cooked apple, bran berry muesli and fage.

Another new snack- these have been in my bar stash for almost a year and I had no interest in trying them. I tried the cookies 'n' cream flavour at the same time as buying these and they were disgusting...

...but these were really good. They definitely had that strange protein bar taste/texture (I love it, but just a heads-up if chalkiness isn't your 'thing'!)

Returning to Katies challenge, I picked up a yellow courgette/zuchinni to try.

Mini quorn sausage rolls (LOVE THESE!) with baked zuchinni 'fries' and steamed spinach + broccoli. The verdict? The zuchinni was awesome. It had a slightly sweeter taste than the green variety and I really liked it. I have only seen the yellow ones in one store, and they are far more expensive so I probably won't be eating them frequently, but it was a nice change and fun to try something a little different (and who doesn't love a splash of yellow on their plate? Sunshine food!)

Hope everybody is having a happy hump-day!

Variations On A Theme

2009-05-19T13:23:00.015+01:00

Thank you SO much for your feedback on yesterday's post- it was really interesting to hear everyone's opinions on where my thoughts were yesterday.

I think what I was really trying to convey is that I am trying to shift my focus from constantly thinking about how 'disordered' some of my behaviours are, and just accept where I am right now in the hope that acceptance itself brings about change (rather than forcing it). It's not that different to what I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but accepting where I AM rather than constantly striving to be 'somewhere else' is a huge challenge for me. The trouble with acceptance for me is that it does often lead to complacency- my eating disorder gets ignored for the most part, my behaviours slip, anorexia seeps more and more into my daily routine and without me really noticing, I suddenly find myself back in dangerous territory.

Finding a middle ground between accepting and change is new to me- being such a black/white thinker, I find it really difficult to manage more than one thing at once: I can focus on changing my behaviours, or I can focus on accepting them. There needs to be some of both- the behaviours ARE present right now and I know better than just to brush them aside and ignore them. I also know that wishing they were just absent from my life doesn't necessarily make them disappear. Being aware of what I am doing whilst keeping the bigger picture in mind is what I am aiming for- a half-way point between fighting the small battles (laughing cow cheese or regular? 2% or fat free?) and winning the ultimate war (recovery/life/becoming ME).

I reread yesterday's post this morning with a slightly different mindset and disagreed with quite a few things I said. Yes, I am tired of feeling like life is a 'fight'- but really? It kind of is. On many levels. At this point anyway- if I separate 'me' from 'anorexia' (which I have a hard time doing) it DOES look and feel like some kind of battle going on. But it's not a battle I am willing to surrender to. Life in itself isn't necessarily a FIGHT- yes, it's filled with all kinds of ups and downs and chaos and confusion, but it's not ALL a struggle. In the depths of an eating disorder/depression, I tend to lose sight of what is truly important and get caught up in the whirlwind of what goes on in my head. So yes, fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile. So the battle continues. Lots of fighting talk today!

Last night ended up being pretty rough. I've been doing better with the obsessional thinking/meal planning I had talked about a couple of weeks ago, but it was full-force last night. A combination of triggers, but I googled and found this which I found helpful:

"Don’t try to control everything. If you have a tendency to obsess, chances are fairly good that you’re also a perfectionist. Realize that going over something again and again in your mind will not magically produce the ‘right’ answer."

***************

Onto some more fun stuff...

Breakfast this morning:

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter.

I love how runny the PB and Co. smooth peanut butter is- I don't imagine it working well as a sandwich filling, but it's perfect with cereal. For those of you who asked about fromage frais, it's pretty much identical to Greek yogurt in terms of taste and nutrition, but much runnier and half the price!

New snack alert!

This bar has been in my stash for ages- given that I hate both salty foods and crunchy foods, I was in NO rush to try it. I am so glad I did- this bar was AMAZING (so much so that I *may* have ordered a case to be delivered to where my mom is staying in NY next week to bring back for me...)

Pretzel/PB chips...mmm...

All in the spirit of branching out/trying new things, I made this:

Which somehow turned out like this:

Spot the difference! I have loved every Amy's meal that I have tried, but have yet to find a way to make them as pretty as they look on the packaging- my theory is that they purposely make them ugly so nobody tried to pass them off as homemade! Tasted great (and for anyone in the UK, these are 'buy one get one half price' in Holland and Barrett right now!)

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Just 'Be'

2009-05-18T13:29:00.009+01:00

When did life start to feel like a 'fight'? Life is to be lived, not fought. Easier said than done, and it's certainly got it's ups and downs but ultimately I think that the very fact that I am here standing is something to be celebrated. A privilege. Yes, sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I hate the world (or at least certain aspects of it), but sometimes I feel like I am bursting with excitement at all the possibilities that lie ahead- the things I might get a chance to do, the opportunities I have. I have goals that I am not going to surrender because of my eating disorder- life is short enough as it is without my wishing it away. Life is FULL of challenges and obstacles but that's what makes it interesting- if it was easy, there would be no pride on progress, no lessons learned in overcoming obstacles. What we live through shapes us and makes us who we are- and I am striving to be PROUD of who I am rather than ashamed. Living, not fighting, to make the most of each and every day.

Where does this leave me?

I don't know if this method is the healthiest, but I am starting to think that devoting so much time and energy to thinking about and analyzing every 'unhealthy' choice I make or symptom I use is keeping me stuck. I am starting to feel like it's making a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. I can think and talk about what I do and why I do it forever, or I can brush it aside and just move on- pick myself up, dust myself off and start over again. Onward to the next choice I have to make, and make sure it's a healthier one.

If I end up restricting or overexercising at some point, I don't want to let it bother me. It is what it is. It happens and will probably continue to happen when I am emotional or tired. I think that it's a lot easier to live life when I don't think about every behavior as some sort of "issue". I want to just "BE"- just be who I am and do the best that I can. Perfection isn't realistic so pursuing it isn't an option. I'm living each moment as best as I can- not perfectly, not without bumps in the road and not without abstinence from my eating disordered behaviours...but I am living and learning and rolling with the punches.

Is this crazy? I don't know if I will end up using this as an excuse to go full-force backwards into my eating disorder, or if this is a positive way to look at things? I guess I am just starting to feel burned out from thinking about my eating disorder all the time and want to just...move on.

"Just let go- not ask the reasons why, cause it don't matter anymore..."

*********

Breakfast this morning was more blueberry overnight oats:

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and the last of my jar of peanut butter. The first jar of peanut butter I can claim to have eaten ENTIRELY by myself! Wooooo! It's lasted me a couple of months, and I have more, but this is a first for me! (Ah, such a dork- I know!)

Snack was more cereal...

Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with 1/2 cup milk. Picture taken before it went all mushy (the way I like it!)

Lunch was a repeat of last weeks salad- without alfalfa sprouts because I couldn't find ANY this weekend!

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach. Protein power!

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start, and HUGE congratulations to all the new graduates out there!

Check out Meg's donut giveaway!

A New Week

2009-05-17T13:43:00.010+01:00

Thank you for your feedback yesterday- I don't know why I thought I was the only one who had a difficult relationship with their parents. I have always imagined families to be loving and caring environments like they are on TV- I *know* life isn't like that, but I still cling rather childishly to the idea that my family should be picture-perfect and then get upset when I realise it's far from it. I guess all families have their ups and downs...human nature, and all that!

Onto today...

I used to set goals pretty frequently and haven't done that for a while- Sunday seems as good a day as any to set some aims for the coming week...

do 1 social thing: I bumped into a friend today whom I haven't seen since I was 15. We chatted for 10 mins and exchanged numbers- this week's goal is to call her and arrange to meet.
try 2 new meals: I have been doing better in expanding my food choices lately, but want to kick it up a notch and try something completely different. I've bought the food so there's no backing out now!
don't buy anymore food: I NEED to stop buying groceries... I seem to go every day to a store and rarely leave empty handed. The result is an over-stuffed freezer and feeling anxious that there is so much food around to be used up (plus it's getting unnecessarily expensive!) I have everything I need for the week so there is NO reason to buy more right now.
start reading for 20 minutes a day: I was doing this, but seem to have stopped over the last couple of weeks. I miss it!
go to bed by 10pm every night: I am still having a lot of trouble falling and staying asleep- I seem to wake up around 5 regardless of what time I DO go to bed so I want to make sure I give myself enough time to get a decent night's rest.

"Be not afraid of moving forward- only of standing still"

Anyone want to join me on setting some goals for the week?

***********

Breakfast was bran flakes mixed with microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot.

Mmmm...cheesecake!

This is kind of random, but I have noticed that the days I have peanut butter for breakfast, I crave SALT all day long- to the point where I can literally taste it on my lips. Does anyone else find this with peanut butter? It seems kind of strange!

As part of Katie's challenge to try new foods, I picked up some large flat mushrooms. I LOVE mushrooms but have never had the bigger ones before.

I made a filling with diced mushroom, garlic, Italian herbs and laughing cow cheese- spread the mushroom with tomato chutney, added the filling, sprinkled with parmesan and baked for 30 mins. It was really good! I very rarely cook and it's even more rare that I 1) last minute impulsively buy something to incorporate into a meal that I had planned, and 2) that I make up a recipe as I go along without spending hours calculating the nutritional content. Yeah, kind of proud of myself for this one (even if it isn't the prettiest of meals!)

This was just an 'extra'/side dish/appetiser for the main event:

Chicken in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage and spring onion mashed potato, with steamed vegetables. Ready made meal that I bought last weekend- was pretty good for prepackaged food. With 30g protein, I had been won over before I tasted it :P

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!

The Fine Line Between Love and hate

2009-05-16T14:02:00.010+01:00

For as long as I can remember, I've had this intense fear that something horrible will happen to my mom. I have memories of sitting in the back of the car when I was 3/4, making symmetrical patterns with my fingertips to calm myself down, believing that if I made perfect patterns, I'd somehow be protecting her from harm. I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I went to sleep every night pleading with 'God' to keep my mom safe. I should point out that I've never had justification for this fear and I have no idea where it comes from.

Over the last few years, our relationship has changed. I still very much have the same fears about something happening to her, but my reaction is different- I distance myself, pick fights over stupid things, keep myself away from her. I guess on some level I think that the more time we spend apart, the easier it will be to bear the brunt if something DOES happen to her.

Saturday's are now the day we seem to get together- we meet for coffee early in the morning before she goes to shul. This morning I set off to meet her- as much as I love my mom, it's REALLY hard for me to be around her. Something just switches in my head and I become irritable, whiny, needy. She called me half an hour before we were to meet to ask me what the weather was like. Coming from anyone else, this would not have been a big deal. Her phone call, as do most of hers, made me feel like ripping my skin off. I was suddenly agitated, angry and just wanted to turn around and go home. I slammed my cellphone shut and kept walking and met my mom as planned. It was 'okay'. I put on my fake smile, pretended to have a good time and silently counted down the minutes until she would have to leave to go to shul.

I feel horrible for this. I LOVE my mom. I have a lot of respect for her as a person and am so grateful for everything that she has done for me over the years and everything that she has put up with. I can't even imagine the pain she has gone through watching me do the things I have done over the years...but on some level, I hate her. I can't explain why because I don't KNOW. Something about being around her triggers all kinds of wild and crazy emotions. Anxiety, anger, rage, fear. I don't know where it comes from or why it is so hard to be with her and at the same time, be away from her. I manage my eating disorder far better when we have distance- physical distance. But she is the first person I reach out to when things are hard because she 'gets' it. We think the same way and react the same way to a lot of situations- I'm wondering if part of the intensity of my feelings when I am with her is to do with the fact that I see so much of myself reflected in her. I can't help but feel jealous of people who do fun things with their families, because mine evoke such strong emotions in me and our time spent together is fraught with tension. Oh, to live with The Brady Bunch :P

*********

Breakfast this morning, at the lovely hour of 5am. Yay insomnia!

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, with blueberries and almonds. Need to sort out my sleep pattern ASAP! I don't know why I am suddenly having so much trouble falling/staying sleep these days.

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on seeded wholewheat bread.

New snack!

First time trying this flavour, and I LOVED it! This and the Peanut Butter Cookie larabar are my top 2. I've only ever had cashew nuts in stir-fries before and forgot how much I loved them.

Question of the day: How often do you talk to/see your parents? I talk to my mom several times a day (!) and my dad maybe once every couple of months. He lives abroad so most of our communication is via email.

After A While

2009-05-15T13:33:00.008+01:00

A quiet, pleasant day. I am running on 3 hours sleep- a habit I fall into when I am busy. I'm going to need to make a big effort to make sure I get enough sleep now that I am working. Work was great anyway and I'm feeling pretty good about 1) doing all my hours as agreed this week, 2) being more on top of things/less overwhelmed at work and 3) having something productive (LIFE, baby!) to do with my time.

I spent a while last night looking at my blog entries from this time last year when I was in new York, and the months that followed. I am thankful that I am where I am today, and looking back can see how far I have come this year. I am grateful for the progress, even if at times it has felt frustratingly slow. It's hard to see or feel on a day-to-day basis, but looking back to a year ago, I can see how much I have changed.

It's been, overall, a pretty good week.

AFTER A WHILE

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

and company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises.

You begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers-

And you learn that you really can endure

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn...

with every goodbye you learn.

**********

Breakfast:

Fage, pumpkin and chocolate raisin mini oatibix drizzled with peanut butter. I am LOVING peanut butter with cold cereal- might need to make a permanent switch from oats for the summer months!

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on wholewheat bun.

Snack:

Almost expired Clif bar- if I get sick, I'm going to blame all you guys who gave assurance that you ignore "use by" dates and have lived to tell the tale :P

What's everyone got planned for the weekend?

Keep The Faith

2009-05-14T13:28:00.014+01:00

Thank you so much for your support yesterday! I woke up today still feeling really down and decided I had 2 choices- I could hide away from the world and just sit under the 'cloud' or I could force myself to act "as if" and go about the things I had planned for the day. It was a tough call! I sat for 2 hours trying to come up with an excuse for not going to work, then realised that I *did* sit with my feelings yesterday. I got through the day, but didn't feel better this morning. So time for a different tactic: I put on a happy face (and a DRESS!) and went to work. Sunshine + being around 'normal' people + feeling productive/useful = much better mood. Result!

Onto today...

I've been thinking about what feels so different this attempt at recovery because I am certainly facing different challenges than I have encountered before. The big difference is that this time I am NOT trying to recovery because of some concrete goal I have in mind- every other time my primary motivation has been because I wanted to move back to New York. A great goal, but my recovery has always been based on something not entirely within my control and the problem with that is that if/when the external world gets shaky (as it often does- it's LIFE), my recovery falls apart. This time my motivation for recovery is different- I am recovering because I am sick of my eating disorder. That doesn't make it easier- in some ways, it's harder. I can't stick up photos of New York around my apartment, I can't picture anything solid in my head when I have urges to restrict... I have to just hold on to HOPE rather than something tangible like a clear image of the life I want. Because I don't KNOW what kind of life I want- I just know that anorexia isn't it.. I need to sit with the uncertainty, accept that anorexia has put blinkers on my vision and just cling to the belief that recovery has more to offer than anorexia does. Which I do truly believe, but I still sometimes think it would be easier to justify eating/being healthy if there was something more 'solid' to give that justification.

I guess I am taking a leap of faith. Hoping and believing that recovery has more to offer even if I don't know what that 'more' is, whilst knowing that anorexia is doing nothing more than making me trapped. I don't NEED answers right now. I want answers and conclusions and everything mapped out in a nice strategic plan- it doesn't work like that. All I can do is live the questions and find the answers along the way...

**********

Food...

You know the drill- banana pumpkin oats with white chocolate peanut butter. This never gets old!

Lunch was one of my new wraps- which I managed it wrap without it falling apart! (Are you impressed Jaime? :P )

Curried chicken salad (with raisins + dried apricots) and spinach on Joseph's lavash flat bread. LOVED it- I am a little obsessed with wraps. I like stuff that is 'fun' to eat... textures, shapes, etc.

Snack was a mini chocolate chip Clif bar with white chocolate peanut butter.

These were to be used by May 8th- I know some of you said bars are good for a while after the 'used by' dates, but I am terrified of food poisoning so adhere pretty rigidly to dates on food. I have one more bar to be used ASAP! Do you stick to the dates on food? I usually just make sure I use things up or throw it away, but I hate wasting food and hadn't noticed the dates on these in time- this is living on the edge' for me!

Pull Out An Umbrella? Or, Dance In The Rain?

2009-05-13T13:28:00.012+01:00

My mood crashed last night as it does most evenings. I usually wake up feeling more refreshed and energized, but I woke up feeling like there was a cloud hanging over my head. I wanted to force it away, to 'pull myself together' and get on with what I had planned for the day but I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that seems to have taken over my brain during the night. Nothing is really 'wrong'- I just feel down. It's hard when there is no trigger for an emotion- you can' rationalise it or think it through. It's just THERE, permeating every breath, every muscle, every thought, every moment.

My normal way to handle this would be to exercise- walk until I was too tired to think or feel anymore. Bury my head in notepads making meal plans and force my brain to focus on micro nutrients rather than face up to how bad I felt.

I didn't do either today. I went for a walk, taking my cloud with me. We explored a new area of town and bought a jar of peanut butter (finally found PB and Co again!). We went to TK Max to look for a spring jacket. We had a long shower and cleaned the apartment. Me and the cloud. It's still there. I still feel sad. But I'm just accepting that for now, this cloud is present. I don't have to run away from it or block it out- I can just see it for what it is, and wait for it to move on.

***********

Some food?

I couldn't resist buying these when I saw them the other day in the store.

Sausage rolls (do you guys call them something else?) always remind me of picnics and birthday parties when I was really little. I didn't know if I'd still like them, but they were delicious and a nice trip down memory lane.

With roasted asparagus and steamed green beans. Still no luck hunting down Amy's meals, but Quorn products are quickly becoming a staple in my diet.

Breakfast was ~~cheesecake~~ mashed/melted banana mixed with bran flakes and Fage cherry twin pot, mixed together and soaked overnight. I KNOW it looks gross, but trust me- it's AMAZING!

Snack:

Served warm... I like the cinnamon roll flavour much better, but there is something awesome about the texture of these bars. It's kind of like a half-baked cookie and so fun to eat!

Happy Hump Day everyone! (Nobody in the UK says 'hump day' and my mom always thinks I am being rude, haha...)

Elements Of Choice

2009-05-12T13:37:00.007+01:00

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the element of choice when it comes to eating disorders. It seems we are all in agreement that nobody CHOOSES to develop an eating disorder- things happen, consequences occur. Whatever the reasons behind developing an eating disorder (or ANY kind of illness), bottom line is that nobody opted to get into this situation. I have often wondered, "why me?" but that doesn't get me far- stuff happened and I dealt with it as best as I could. I didn't make a conscious decision to develop anorexia, the same way people don't choose to get sick for other reasons, but I think eating disorders are different in that you can choose recovery. Not easily- wanting it doesn't make it suddenly any easier. I feel like I am having to choose recovery over anorexia several times a day- I hope it gets easier until there is no internal battle going on and healthy choices come more naturally, but right now it's a constant "anorexia V recovery" battle going on in my head.

Something that is helping me right now is seeing the difference between "can't" and "won't". For YEARS I have avoided doing things because I felt I "couldn't"- there was no question about it. It just wasn't something I could manage doing. Changing the wording to "won't" feels empowering because all of a sudden, I am back in the driving seat- I am CHOOSING not to, which immediately gives me the option of choosing TO do whatever it is. "I can't eat suchandsuch a food/can't do X without doing Y"- switching it to, "I WON'T do xxx" then forces me to question what's stopping me, and making me question/challenge what it is I am choosing to do/not to do.

Thoughts on this?..

Onto food...

I CHOSE to cook last night :)

Butter beans in tomato sauce with mashed potato and steamed spinach. This was a recipe given to me years ago in treatment for when I went on a home visit for the weekend- I 've made it a lot over the years and it seems to be something I gravitate towards when I've been struggling but feel ready to take on the challenge of making a "proper" home-cooked meal. I LOVE beans in any way/shape/form- anyone got some easy bean recipes they would recommend?

Except with breakfast, because I love my breakfast foods :)

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, on top of frozen blueberries and white chocolate wonder peanut butter. Left to defrost/soak overnight and mixed together this morning. I'll spare you the picture of the 'mess' that greeted me this morning, but rest assured it tasted great!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Out With The Old, and In With...???

2009-05-11T13:29:00.010+01:00

I think what has triggered the past few days descent into depression has been the commitment I made to maintaining my weight. My thoughts aren't so wrapped up in what/when I am going to eat and instead of numbing everything out, the old feelings of anger/pain have resurfaced. Having ruled out the option of numbing them out through restricting/exercising, I need to find new ways to face them and deal with them- or at least manage them and ride them out and hope that they dissipate. It may just be my perception of them rather than the fact that they are as horrible as they appear to be.

I pulled out my old DBT manual to get some help with this and flicked to the section on "reducing vulnerability to negative emotions". DBT is becoming a lot more widely used in the treatment of eating disorders and I find a lot of it really helpful- what I struggle with is using/practicing the skills when I am in a 'good' frame of mind because I don't see the point- then when a crisis hits, I don't have the skills to fall back on.

Anyway, the section on stabilising emotions is pretty basic stuff in theory:-

Treat physical illness: take care of your body. See a doctor when necessary. Take prescribed medication
Balance eating: don't eat too much or too little. Stay away from foods that make you feel overly emotional.
Avoid mood-altering drugs: Stay off non-prescribed drugs, including alcohol.
Balance sleep: try to get the amount of sleep that helps you feel good. Keep to a sleep program if you are having trouble sleeping.
Get exercise: Do some sort of exercise every day- try to build up to 20 minutes of vigorous exercise.
Build Mastery: Do one thing a day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

These were NOT written for people with eating disorders so my adaptation of the food/exercise ones are a little different- I am definitely noticing a difference after eating certain foods in terms of energy/mood so that's a learning curve for me, and exercise is something I struggle to do in moderation but it's important for me to remember that too much is no better than too little. Balancing my intake is a work in progress but I am definitely making progress with that. I don't use alcohol or drugs but I am cutting back on my caffeine intake to avoid the energy/mood highs and lows that accompany high levels of caffeine.

On to 'mastery'. NOTHING makes me feel as good as going to bed at night feeling like I have accomplished something during the day. For years that has been very much tied into food/weight/exercise/anorexia, and is probably a huge part of the reason why I have clung to those behaviours. My voluntary job is helping, but that's only a couple of days a week. I struggle to think of things I could possibly be good at or what would be quite as satisfying as losing weight, but I need to keep reminding myself that there is NOTHING to be proud of about destroying my body. I think what's been a painful realisation the last few months is that I don't get satisfaction from that anymore. What has been such a 'purpose' for me for the last 14 years is now just an embarrassment- so I am left with the question of what WILL make me feel like I have accomplished something during the day? What is rewarding/satisfying in a healthy way for me? I think this is something a lot of people with eating disorders probably struggle with in recovery-finding something to replace what their eating disorder gave them. That's different for everyone and it's certainly a whole bunch of things for me, but one of them is definitely the feeling that it's something I am 'good' at. However maladaptive/ineffective a coping skill it WAS, it did originally serve a pupose. Not helping is the fact that I don't have a whole lot else to fall back on except my ability to lose weight. But I don't want to pursue that anymore because 1) it's boring, 2) it's not helping me feel any better anymore and 3) I want more out of life. So yeah...back to original question: how do I find things that make me feel good about myself that aren't about losing weight or exercise?..

I do have some pictures today... I am finding it really helpful to be taking photos- it kind of gives a bit extra motivation to branch out and eat different things. If it stops being helpful, I'll stop taking pictures, but for now...it's all good.

The sun is shining today (YAY!) so I made my usual lunch which I've never posted before because I have it several times a week...

Bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts topped with a mix of tuna, rice, kidney beans and salsa. Okay, a week late to pass off as a 'Cinco De Mayo' meal, but everything gets to the UK later so it's all good :P

Best snack ever:

Fage with Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Words can't describe quite how much I LOVE this granola... Thanks again, Sam!

Question: does anyone in real life know about your blog? Both my parents know about it and I know my dad reads occasionally (HI DAD!) but none of the rest of my family do.

When All Is Said And Done

2009-05-10T13:32:00.005+01:00

It hit me after writing yesterday's letter and reading your responses quite how much contempt I have for myself. I don't know if it's been festering beneath the surface for a while, or if this is a new feeling, but I am so full of rage towards myself right now. I feel like a parasite, a toxic pathetic excuse for a "human being". All evening yesterday and all day today, I keep replaying 'videos' in my mind of the last few years- the things I've done, the things I've said, the people I've hurt. I look back and take no pride in any accomplishments or achievements- I see failure after failure, loss after loss, screw-up after screw-up.

There is definitely something to be said for looking backwards and learning from past mistakes- there also comes a time when you need to stop dwelling on what's BEEN done, forgive yourself on some level, and move on. Punishing myself isn't getting me anywhere- if anything, it's adding fuel to the fire and adding to the list of 'reasons why I suck'. It's hard to know where to draw that line between tough love and self-compassion.

I am human. I've messed up. On a lot of levels. I've hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of harm and damage to myself and those around me. I can't go back and change things- I don't know if I'll ever let go completely of the regret for everything that's gone on over the last years. The time and money wasted, the people I have rejected, the pain I have inflicted. I don't think I will ever be completely at peace with myself knowing what I've done.

Forgiveness does not come easily to me. I store things away in the back of my mind, forgetting the events themselves and am left with feelings/urges that 'feel' like they come from out of nowhere, when the reality is they are my way of channeling the rage and self-hatred I have for myself.

How do you move beyond regret and start living for the present and the future? How do you forgive yourself for doing, what in your own eyes, is unforgiveable?

I NEED to figure this out- what I wrote yesterday still stands. Maybe my anger is not quite at myself and more at what my eating disorder has done, but I have to find a way to move past this and be more compassionate and caring towards myself. Dying of anorexia does not scare me- what scares me is the thought of living with anorexia for the next 10/20/30 years, repeating the same mistakes, stuck in the same cycles. As long as I dwell on what I can't go back and change, I'm never going to break free...

Left In The Dust

2009-05-09T13:32:00.009+01:00

Dear ellie,

It's time to get a grip. Everyone around you is changing and moving on, and you are still acting the same way you did when you were 13. Then you wonder why you don't have a real job or friends or can't live in New York. You've had chances time after time after time to turn things around and your half-hearted attempts have been nothing short of pathetic. Everyone you lived with for all those years in hospital have either 1) recovered, 2) died, or 3) still spend their lives drifting aimlessly from one institution to the next. Why are you you SO torn between the 3 options? Why can you not just grow the hell up and move on from this? You SAY you want a LIFE- that you want to live in New York, have friends/a social life, go back to dancing, write a book, have a career. You say all this stuff about all these cool things you WANT to do with your life, but at the end of the day, you choose a number on a scale over and above everything else. It's gotten old. It doesn't MATTER what you weigh or precisely how many grams of protein you eat. NOBODY CARES. It's not important in the grand scheme of things if you eat X calories or X + 5 calories. You are the only one who is counting. People have given up and turned their backs. The ones that HAVE stuck around feel obligated to do so because of parental obligations or moral duties of care. Friends? Relatives? Colleagues? They don't want to watch you play this childlike game anymore. It's boring, it's self-centred and it's not getting you anywhere you want to be going.

If you want change, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Let go of the stupid irrational fears and anxieties. Stop obsessing over numbers. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else around you- accept what you ARE because you just ARE WHAT YOU ARE. Whether you like it or not, you are always going to be YOU. Deal with it. Yeah, the economy sucks, a job might suck, people might still hate you/be angry with you. The world, on the whole, can be a crappy, lonely and stressful place. Everyone else just sucks it up and deals with it, taking the good with the bad- what is so different about YOU that if it's not 100% perfect, you don't want any part of it? It's such an immature way of viewing situations. You act like a spoilt brat- things don't go your way? "Oh yeah...let's see how much weight I can lose then I'll somehow become a valuable person again." Seriously. Buck up.

Whatever point you were originally trying to prove has been proven a LONG time ago- do you even remember what it was? Didn't think so. Likely that there never was a real 'point' to be made and somehow things happened and you fell into a habit of self-destructing anytime things get rough and never actually bothered to try handling things differently.

Starving isn't the answer. Exercising isn't the answer. Diet pills aren't the answer. Hospital isn't the answer. The answer doesn't lie in behaviours or interventions from doctors- you don't even know what the damn question is anymore so how will you know when you HAVE the answer? Maybe you had it all along.

Stop complaining that everyone has moved on with their lives and that you feel left behind. Did you expect them to wait forever? People grow up and move on. It's time you did the same. Pull your thoughts away from obsessing over what weight you are/want to be and see the truth: none of that is important. Friends, family, job, travelling, LIFE- that is what's important. Not how much/how little you eat. Life shrinks and expands in proportion to courage- you say that all the time. yet you complain how 'small' your world is, how you never do the things you dream of... It's up to YOU to make the dreams a reality rather than wallowing in misery and obsessions and never actually taking action.

Get over yourself. You are sick of this and you know it. And everyone around you is sick of it too.
the real ellie x

*******

Some pictures?..

Breakfast this morning was more pumpkin...

Banana oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, cinnamon, mashed banana) with pumpkin, topped with white chocolate wonder peanut butter.

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday:

"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and spinach on a wholewheat roll. I am so in love with quorn products right now- I like the "ham" slices better than these though. Much less 'fake' tasting. (And yes, the weather is still inspiring fall/winter foods. Someone send me some sunshine!)

Snack today was dictated by my sore throat and cold...

Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with milk, soaked for a while to go mushy! This cereal is great- it's not sweet at all aside from the chocolate chips and raisins (though it is lacking in the raisin department- next time I'll add my own!)

Usual disclaimer: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

I'm really upset that all the stores in Edinburgh seem to have stopped selling Amy's burritos. I can still get a few of the meals, but I LOVE the burritos and they are nowhere to be found. So sad. I ended up rather impulsively buying a bunch of ready-made entrees today. I don't know quite what the appeal was at the time and shoved them in the freezer as soon as I got home. I guess it will force me to branch out from my usual foods and have some new stuff, but seriously... I need to stop buying food. I have plenty to use up! So pictures over the next couple of weeks will hopefully be repetitive (boring for you guys- good for my wallet :P)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Like Riding A Bike

2009-05-08T13:29:00.009+01:00

I am kind of embarrassed about yesterday's post. I feel like I shouldn't be having these struggles anymore- that having made the commitment to recovery that these thoughts should just go away. That this should somehow be easier than it is. I feel like I am constantly fighting this stupid barrage of negative thoughts (which often seem perfectly rational) and giving myself pep-talks every waking hour. I guess it was a little unrealistic of me to expect things to miraculously change, but it's frustrating nonetheless to still be bombarded by anorexia's daggers.

Something that has been on my mind the past couple of days was something I read in the book I mentioned the other day. She talked about an event that occurred several years into recovery which she classed as a "defining moment". It wasn't a milestone in a 'recovery' sense, but it was a time when she suddenly realised that she was past the stage of anorexia.

This struck a chord with me because I see my moves to New York as something I hope will BE that "defining moment"- when I am able to think, "I've made it". To look back and realise that anorexia is no longer infiltrating my everyday life and I am living the normal life I have been striving for. What I've failed to grasp, until now, is that there is a process leading up to that defining moment. Things don't change by moving locations- yes, one day, I hope to move back to New York and will look back and see how far I have come in my journey, but I need to have more patience and tolerance for the steps between now and then.

I think it's kind of like riding a bike. You start with stabilisers- you wobble, you fall. You get back on and start pedaling again- sometimes you veer into hedges or don't brake in time. After a while, the stabilisers come off- again, you wobble and tumble and crash. It gets easier with practice and patience until you slowly pick up momentum, going faster and faster and then realise that you are DOING it. You are pedalling along, picking up speed, the wind blowing in your hair. You weave in and out of obstacles without any major upset. You are now a proficient rider and free to go wherever the path leads, knowing that you have the skills and expertise to manage the hills, the rocks, the sharp turns.

That's my deep thought for the day :P

***********

Some pictures? I think so!

Breakfast this morning featured an individual pack of a new cereal I was given:

With pumpkin, fage, cinnamon and peanut butter:

This was my first time trying peanut butter on cold cereal, and I LOVED it. I mixed it all up and every few bites would get a little peanut butter and cereal 'sandwich'. I might have to buy a bix box of this cereal- it was delicious with the pumpkin/peanut butter combination.

Today's lunch was inspired by the horrendous weather we are having- seriously, it's like winter here. I should not need a down-stuffed coat in MAY!

"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn slices, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and fresh spinach on a wholewheat roll. Perfect ~~Thanksgiving~~ 'summer' lunch.

Anyone got anything exciting planned for the weekend? I am planning to rest as much as possible and get rid of this cold in time for work on Monday! (and try to hunt down season 8 of Scrubs on DVD!)

Throw In A Little Perspective and I'm Good To Go...

2009-05-07T13:25:00.010+01:00

Firstly- a HUGE thank you for yesterday's comments. I am continuously amazed by how supportive the blogging community is. I am so glad that the group I started on Facebook has had such a great response! I've also sent out some emails to various mental health organisations who specifically deal with suicide prevention about how I can get involved. It feels a little hypocritical of me to want to give out advice/help to others, but on the other hand, I find it most helpful hearing from people who have 'been there' so maybe it's okay that I am not 100% recovered yet.

Onto today. I am still fighting off this cold- I hate being sick. I didn't go to work and have spent much of the last 2 days sitting on the sofa drinking cups of tea, ploughing through boxes of Kleenex. I usually do a fair amount of exercise and my activity level has plummeted yesterday and today. I *know* that the more I rest, the sooner I'll feel better and be able to get back to my usual routine with exercise and work, but it's frustrating nonetheless. I sat for an hour yesterday going back and forth in my head about whether to just have half of my planned snack since I hadn't moved around much. This is nuts. Whether I have half or the whole snack is NOT a big deal. This is just a few days in the grand scheme of a lifetime. Even if I am not exercising in the conventional sense of the word, my body clearly needs fuel to fight off this bug. My brain still needs fuel to think. My organs still need fuel to do their regular job, on top of whatever extra is required to heal from this cold.

I don't know why this feels like such a huge decision to be making. It was a damn Clif bar. I eat them all the time. It's JUST FOOD. It isn't an entire pizza buffet, it's not that I will never go for a walk again...it's a few days when I have to focus more on getting my physical health back rather than on being productive/active. In fact, I should probably use this cold as reinforcement for why i want my immune system to be as strong as possible. But where is the logic in anorexia?.. It's times like this when I really miss being in hospital- someone standing there taking that choice away from me, giving me 'permission' to eat. That's all I ever really WANTED- permission to look after myself because if it came from somebody else, I didn't need to feel guilty about it. I didn't need to decide whether I deserved it or was worthy of care- the choice was made for me. It's been the same with losing weight- I wait for someone else to step in and stop me, because to stop myself from hurtling down a path of self-destruction would imply that I CARE about myself. I starve/punish myself because I imagine that's what other people think I deserve. I want to start treating myself the way I *want* to be treated by others- with compassion and understanding.

I'm starting to see that I DO deserve to be nourished and healthy. I'm starting to realise that the voice telling me I don't need/deserve to eat is not really 'me'. I don't NEED a nurse or a doctor or a court order to force me to eat: I choose to give my body the nourishment it needs in order to thrive because I am starting to believe that there is a real life out there for me where I can be doing useful and meaningful things, living with purpose and enjoying the world as it is. I don't need to hide behind the walls of anorexia anymore. There's no glamour or glory in anorexia, and I am finally starting to see beyond the walls around me, and seeing the world in colours again...a world I want to be a part of, and WILL be a part of as long as I believe that it has a place for me.

I just need to remember a few things...

my body needs fuel to LIVE LIFE to the fullest whether I am hiking or sleeping- all require energy
a hundred calories here or there, in the grand scheme of things, makes very little difference: it takes quite a shift in either direction, over more than a few days to have any effect on weight
this is a good chance for me to test out if I CAN cut back on exercise and see that I don't need to do quite as much as I force myself to
I want to RECOVER, and that means recognising what is anorexia's voice and what is my own. I *know* I should eat the same amount because I'm still working up towards an adequate intake for my body right now and cutting back on exercise whilst I am sick is probably a good thing for me
the more I rest/eat properly, the sooner I'll be back to my usual routine
this is an opportunity to IGNORE anorexia's whispers and do what I know is the right thing to do, even if it does feel 'wrong'.... I know it's not *me* who thinks it's 'wrong'/bad. It's just a snack. How can 1 snack somehow make me a different person inside OR out? It's a BAR. Not some scary evil body-maiming beast. In fact, it looks pretty sweet and innocent...

...and it WAS delicious.

Rock on.

I Want To Help

2009-05-06T13:35:00.009+01:00

I was blown away by the responses to yesterday's post- thank you SO much for your support with this. I'm sorry that so many of you could identify with the issues touched upon... It's so heartbreaking to be on the "other side" and be able to do so little to 'help' someone who is in so much pain.

It has never really occurred to me before that I could use my own experiences to help other people. I always wanted to leave it behind and move on, and never really have to think about it or face it again. Somehow the thought of seeing my own behaviours/thoughts/feelings mirrored in somebody else once I am completely well has not been of interest to me. I want to write a book one day for my own 'closure' on this period in my life. A nice story with a beginning, a middle and an end. Tie it up in a neat bound package and stash it away- on paper and no longer invading my everyday moves.

I started thinking more about this last night- how strongly I feel about people in distress getting the care and support they deserve. How I want so desperately to be somebody to talk to who "gets it" when so many treatment providers learned all they know from textbooks and lectures. I feel like I WANT to reach out and help in any way that I can. I don't quite know how. I don't want to train as a nurse or a counsellor because immediately I then change from being a peer/survivor, to being a distant professional and I think, for me, what has helped most has been talking to people who have been where I have and made it over to 'the other side'. Not because I particularly want to spend the rest of my life rehashing what has been a hellish period for me, but because I want to try and help others come out of it the way I hope to.

I'd still love to write a book one day but with more than just a, "then I lived happily ever after". i want it to show the whole journey- from where I was to where I am and how it happened for ME. No two people travel the same journey but we meet similar bumps in the road, get caught in similar thunderstorms, fall down similar wells and I'd hope that others can relate to at least parts of my story and gain some inspiration from it.

Kind of jumping ahead of myself here- I''m nowhere near the point of being in a position to do much more than say, "I understand and I care" right now. This feels important to me now though. I don't want to be seen as someone who was sick/dysfunctional/depressed/anorexic: I want to be seen as someone who MADE IT THROUGH and offer support and strength to anyone willing to listen. I don't want to preach and sing some cheesy "recovery ra-ra" song- I want to be honest about what I went through and show that it can be done. More of a "this is my story- tell me yours, tell me what you need, tell me how I can help" approach.

This is the first time I've really thought about it and it's made me feel like I have some sort of purpose transcending my own recovery. A chance to help someone else. If I can make just one person believe that suicide is not their ONLY option, then it would have been worth it. I mean that. I can't even put into words quite how passionate I am about this, but seeing/feeling what me and my friends have gone through over the last few months with so many lives lost...it's really knocked me for 6 and jolted me into this compulsion to reach out and do whatever I can to help

I set up a group on Facebook last night to put together lists of helplines, books, etc that might help people in crisis. If you ARE on facebook, please join and spread the word.

***********

Onto some fabulous food... (because food is an important part of a balanced diet!)

Today's breakfast:

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage cherry twin pot. A.K.A. banana cherry cheesecake. I am developing a slight obsession with these twin pots- I usually eat the plain Fage, but these are great...dessert for breakfast? Count me in!

New lunch!

Curried chicken salad (with raisins and dried apricots in it- amazing!), spinach and tomato on wholewheat roll. This was messy to eat, but tasted good- even after I ended up dropping half of it on my lap. Oops...laundry time!

I have a horrible cold so my appetite has been non-existant today. I think my body needs proper nutrition regardless in order to fight this off so am pushing through. Not sure if I am going to work tomorrow- I don't think that coughing and sneezing all over the switchboard and shared headset will go down well! Meanwhile, drinking lots of cups of tea, staying bundled up and resting.

Hope everyone is having a great week, and for those of you stressed with finals, etc- it's almost OVER! Thinking of you all!

When Will This End?

2009-05-05T13:22:00.013+01:00

"How many deaths will it take till we know

that too many people have died?.."

Not long after posting yesterday's post, I logged in to an eating disorders message board that I frequent to learn that another girl had passed away. It's been a year of what feels like a lot of losses. Five of my friends have died this year- I know, statistically speaking, that with the sheer volume of people I know who are battling this disease, as time goes on...the number of people who lose their fight is going to rise. It's a sobering thought that I am 26 years old and I am losing so many of my friends.

I am still struggling to come to terms with each and every loss that I have encountered. I am just so incredibly sad. That these amazing people who had so much to offer, so much potential, so much LIFE in them could no longer see a future for themselves. What hits me the hardest about all of this is that I can understand why they made the choices they did, having been in that situation of a despair words can't articulate, but from an outsiders point of view, still struggle to grasp WHY they couldn't see what others see in themselves.

I guess the real tragedy of suicide is that everyone is able to see alternatives aside from the person suffering.

It's making me more determined to fight. More determined to carve a life for myself- however painful or pointless it might seem at times. I don't see suicide as a selfish act at ALL- in my blackest periods, people have asked me if I had considered the impact on my friends and family if I were to go ahead with it. My answer was always an emphatic 'YES'- I had thought about it and honestly believed I was making the best decision for all those around me. I don't see it that way at all. Whether or not I think people like me/want to spend time with me/care about me, it's heartbreaking to hear of ANYONE is such an intolerable amount of pain that they could not face another day of it. It's human nature to care, to be concerned, to want to help any way they can. I feel a lot of the time like I am just a burden to people- that I am a disappointment, a failure, the "black sheep" of the family. A lot of my relatives don't want to hear from me anymore because of what I've put them all through with my illness- but that doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't mean they wouldn't be upset if something happened to me. I think it's more along the lines of what I am now doing with a lot of my friends- stepping back, because caring so deeply about someone who is in so much pain and not able to do a damn thing...it's just too much. It's too much for them and it's too much for me.

I feel selfish for even thinking this, let alone writing it. But I don't have the strength to watch more and more of my friends lose the wars they are waging. The battles just to be at peace with themselves. If I thought I could do more, I WOULD- I am not in a place right now where it's triggering me in any way, I just feel sad. Helpless. frustrated. I want to reach out to everyone and hold their hand and tell them that it's GOING TO BE OKAY. To just hold on...and hold on...and keep holding on because one day things might feel less threatening/hopeless. I don't know if things will change but I would say it anyway because I feel so passionately that there is always some possibility that life will get better, more manageable, more bearable, more pleasant.
I don't know what else to say. I didn't mean for this post to go on for so long... It's hard for me to sum everything up in a short and sweet message when I feel so strongly about something.

For anyone out there reading this who is struggling with thoughts about hurting themselves- PLEASE, reach out for help. Call a friend, a relative, a helpline. Go to the nearest ER and talk to someone. Pray. Read. Distract yourself, draw a picture, write a poem...do something, ANYTHING except give into the darkness engulfing you.

"Don't give up five minutes before the miracle..."

*******

Onto some lighter things...

Dinner last night featured a typical British dish:

From Wikipedia: Toad in the hole is a traditional English dish comprising sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with vegetables and onion gravy.
The origin of the name "Toad-in-the-Hole" is vague. Most suggestions are that the dish's resemblance to a toad sticking its little head out of a hole provide the dish with its somewhat unusual name.An 1861 recipe by Charles Elme Francatelli does not mention sausages, instead including as an ingredient "6d. or 1s. worth of bits and pieces of any kind of meat, which are to be had cheapest at night when the day's sale is over."

I think Yorkshire Pudding is essentially the same as what they call Popovers in the US?..

Vegetarian "toad-in-the-hole" with vegetarian gravy and steamed vegetables. My mom is American and NEVER made this when I was growing up so there is no 'nostalgia' attached to this, but it's typically classed as "comfort food" here in the UK (presumably because it reminds people of childhood?)

What are some of the dishes your area is known for?

Breakfast this morning was one of my favourites (who am I kidding? I love all my breakfasts!):

Oats, plain fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and almonds soaked together overnight.

Nothing like a big purple mess to greet you at 6am!

Times They Are A-Changing...

2009-05-04T13:22:00.006+01:00

I used to bury myself in every eating disorders memoir I could get my hands on. Partly because I could relate to so much of what was written, partly to trigger myself and partly hunting for some sort of answers/resolution to my own struggles. Over the last few years, my concentration/memory have been affected badly and I had pretty much stopped reading altogether. I've always enjoyed losing myself in books and this has been something I've been trying to get back into lately. I'm mostly reading light-hearted novels, setting small targets of reading for 20-30 minutes a day of funny/easy-to-read 'chic lit'.

On Saturday, a book I had pre-ordered a while ago arrived. It was an autobiography of a girl I met in treatment when I was 16. I felt obligated to buy it, having gotten to know her fairly well but wasn't sure if I wanted to read it and risk getting triggered right now. Curiosity got the better of me and I sat down on Saturday night and started reading. The book is pretty graphic and descriptive. There is a lot of mentions of numbers, tricks, etc...the kind of thing my brain used to store up as ammunition and set the wheels in motion for things I hadn't tried/stuff I should be doing that I'm not right now.

I read the whole book in less than 24 hours. It didn't trigger me. It didn't make me feel guilty or worthless. It didn't give me ideas about how to carry on down some path of self-destruction or make me feel differently about myself, my body or my meals.

I felt sad. I felt her pain, her torment, her anger, her internal fight. I wanted to reach out to her and hold her hand. I wanted to help her- to go back to the period we spent together in hospital and talk to her, listen to her, validate her. I wanted to tell her to "hold on"- to paint a picture for her of what her life could be like (IS like) this many years on. I didn't, for one second, want to be her. I wasn't jealous of the weights she mentioned or the events that occurred. I didn't feel ANYTHING except sheer hatred for this disease and a deep sadness for what she went through.

I think this is the first time ever where I've felt nothing more than sadness reading about someone's struggle with this disease. There has always been this part of me that is insanely jealous- the sympathy and concern has always been there, but I've always felt, on some level, envious and triggered hearing other people talk about how their disorder has affected them/their lives. It makes me crave the safety and security of hospital- of being sheltered from the world, of having nothing more expected of me than to eat my grilled cheese sandwich and recite affirmations. It makes me miss the numbness, the feeling that nothing matters except weight. It makes me yearn for the days when I had nothing to think about except what excuse to give to get out of eating dinner. It makes me long for the times when I could stay curled up in bed and not have to take any responsibility for my life- I didn't have to figure out things like work, bills, rent...all that mattered was numbers and what I would and wouldn't eat.

I just wanted to share this because I think it's a sure sign that my attitude is really starting to shift. I don't *see* the appeal of anorexia anymore, on any level. Up until now, there has been one side of me that has clung to the hope/belief that anorexia has some sort of purpose/meaning/answer for me and this is the first time where that 'pull' seems to have faded into nothingness.

I don't want that life anymore.

I Don't Want To Be A Loser

2009-05-03T13:24:00.008+01:00

I've spoken before about how I find it hard to believe in weight loss- how as long as I'm not gaining weight, I think I am maintaining. To avoid the weight gain I fear, I err on the side of caution and end up losing. I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the fact that I want to REALLY maintain- ie, NOT lose, and just hold my weight where it is. I weigh myself every day to check that I haven't magically gained Xlbs overnight, one part of me secretly hoping the number will be lower than yesterday. Lately it's hovered around the same number and there is always an initial disappointment (along with the relief that I haven't gained) that I am the same weight as the few days before. I have to keep reminding myself: that's now what I want anymore.

This is completely new to me. I am used to losing weight and I am used to refeeding/gaining weight. Maintaining is not something that comes easily to me- to be honest, I'm not sure HOW to maintain. It's more complex than losing/gaining (both of which take quite big jumps calorie-wise in one direction or another). To just stay as things are is a 'novelty'- one I worry that I am going to get bored of. To grasp the concept of never losing weight again seems... I don't know. So final. I don't WANT the life that losing weight is going to give me- I want so many other things that don't mix with the energy I would need to devote to restricting, but the idea of NEVER going back down that path again feels terrifying right now. It feels like I am maintaining for now. That I am delaying the inevitable and meanwhile seeing what other things I might accomplish. I guess my hope is that during this "experiment" I'll find enough things I enjoy/am passionate about that losing weight/relapsing would be primarily inconvenient if nothing else.

I don't want to DO that anymore.

I don't want my life to shrink to nothing more than number and calories. I don't want to eat the exact same things at every meal. I don't want my days to revolve around exercising and grocery shopping. I don't want to lie awake all night, too hungry and cold to sleep. I don't want to feel that gnarling emptiness in my stomach that aches, my muscles aching as they struggle to perform the little tasks required like climbing up the stairs to my apartment or brushing my hair. I don't want my hands and feet to contort into painful spasms.

I want to have energy to jump out of bed each morning ready for the day ahead. I want to sleep peacefully at night. I want to eat a variety of food and enjoy it, then move on- not immediately start watching the clock until the next "allowed" meal/snack.

I don't want to go down the road of my previous attempts at "maintenance" because I inevitably get hooked on the ensuing weight loss and just carry on down that path. Because it's so easily done. It comes so naturally, it's so familiar, it's so predictable, it's so addictive...and it's so horrific.

I don't want that anymore. I need to somehow get my head around the choice I am making to commit, unconditionally, to never starve my body again. To give it the fuel it needs for the life I so desperately want. I still have yet to figure out what that life entails exactly, but I need to keep reminding myself that a REAL life is only going to be an option for me if my body and mind are nourished properly...

It feels like a loss of 'purpose' in a lot of ways- so much time and energy has been dedicated to either visibly shrinking or visibly recovering...who am I if not a relapsing/recovering anorexic? Obviously this is false and recovery is far more about what's going on inside, but for someone so used to using my body to articulate what my words never will, this is terrifying to me. It's hard to switch from the default mode you have been in for more than half of your life.

Hard, but I don't think it's impossible.

Defaults can be changed the same way beliefs or ideas can be changed- as we learn and we grow, we change and our thoughts and actions follow.

"You change for two reasons- either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough to have to..."

...or in some cases, a bit of both.

*******

Onto some food, right?

I actually cooked a "proper" meal last night!

Quorn fillets in homemade tomato sauce w/ laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta shells and baby broccoli trees so I can pretend I am a giant (kidding- these were at the bottom of my bag of frozen veg and I thought they were cute!). Yes mom, I COOKED! I don't know if it was partly psychological, but this meal (although calorie-wise equivalent to my usual dinners) was incredibly filling. In a NICE way- an "I'm satisfied/content" way as opposed to "OMG I just ate 3 lbs of broccoli and my stomach is about to burst" way.

I had set a goal a while back to read for 30 mins each evening, and last night after dinner, I curled up with a new book and read solidly for almost three hours. That is a RECORD for me in recent years. I used to spend entire days reading when I was little, but my concentration/focus has made that impossible lately. Proper food = decent brain functioning?..

I slept really well and started off my Sunday with a delicious breakfast...

Bran flakes, ~~cheesecake~~ fage cherry twin pot and raisins.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

Finding Balance

2009-05-01T18:53:00.014+01:00

First of all, I just want to say how relieved I am to not be alone in my inability to walk in high heels! I am already far shorter than my friends- so me, in my flats, with them towering above me in their skyscraper shoes makes me feel like a gnome! Though I don't need to worry about running for buses!

I feel like I have reached some kind of internal compromise this week between standing still and moving forward. I talk a lot about my plans to move to New York and the frustration around working towards that too slowly. Often I feel like the fear around making big changes in the long-term paralyses me, leaving me unable to make the small changes necessary to lay the foundations for bigger changes to take place.

Starting work this week has been great. I feel like I am doing something of purpose- both in terms of giving back/helping others, but also (selfishly) having something concrete on my resume and building up experience for when I do eventually move. I've had a lot of thoughts/guilt around not doing more, moving faster, etc, but for the most part this feels like a manageable and realistic plan, whilst all the while becoming stronger and working towards my bigger plans. It's really HARD for me to take things slowly- I have a tendency to either jump headfirst into things, or avoid the world altogether. This is a strange but pleasant balance and I feel good about it right now.

I've also noticed old feelings surfacing that I hadn't experienced since I was working full-time- the cutting back on sleep, disinterest in food/eating, feelings of panic about running out of time/too much to do/generally being overwhelmed. I am trying to pace myself and stay present- this is ONLY a few hours a week and is definitely not "too much". I

am aware, on a rational level, that this feeling or urgency/no time to sleep or eat is coming from an internal drive but it's a little unnerving to think about how I will cope with working 40+ hours a week when 2 mornings a week is proving harder than I thought. I guess that's why taking it slow for now and building up my hours in the future is a good plan.

I am still VERY excited about my trip to New York- October feels like a long time away but I think that the time is going to fly by now that my weeks have more structure. I'd like to set up some things to look forward to in the meantime though- what are you all looking forward to in the coming months?

Onto some food...

I kicked off the weekend with a delicious breakfast.

Chopped/microwaved apple topped with Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. I think I could pretty much live off this combination- it's.so.freaking.good.

Lunch was another quorn "ham"/spinach/tomato chutney sandwich- this time with cheddar cheese instead of laughing cow. I promise I'll switch this up soon- you must be bored of the same old sandwiches each day!

I think I actually prefer the laughing cow for this sandwich, but a little oozy cheese will never go unappreciated in MY house again.

Later came this...

I have been saving these since my trip to NY in November...then suddenly realised that they need used before June.

Close-up of warm ~~brownie~~ healthy snack:

Today's theme apparently has been "melting". I am A-OK with that!

I have been eating a lot of bars recently after discovering quite how many I actually have in my apartment needing used up. I ate them daily for years, but more recently have been having all kinds of snacks and I think I definitely prefer non-bar snacks. These ARE convenient/portable, but I'd rather be having more variety than just bars all the time. What are some of your favourite snacks?

TMI!

2009-04-30T20:05:00.020+01:00

I have been tagged by both Sheena and Katie to do the list of 25 random facts making it's way around blogosphere. I feel like I have blurted out a lot of random weirdness in my posts lately so I'll try to keep to things I haven't yet revealed.

I worked very briefly at Starbucks in New York and one day was holding a tray of cupcakes- they literally JUMPED out of my hands and cakes went flying all over the store.
I can't walk in high heels and I never wear make-up (then I wonder why people ask me for ID)
Every summer I buy a bunch of cheap tank tops and paint them with my own slogans. And am continuously amazed by how many comments I get about them!
I have never made a boiled egg- I don't think I would even know how. I don't eat eggs much so I can live with this.
I have 2 brothers and 2 half-brothers. When I was little, I thought I was really smart to figure out that if two half's made a whole, I really had 3 brothers!
I am obsessed with "Scrubs" and have a whole bunch of clips downloaded as MP3's onto my iPod. I can fit a Dr Cox quote into almost every conversation.
I am also obsessed with soundtracks from musicals- when I was really young, I was obsessed with 'Annie'. I must have seen it over a hundred times!
Aside from my obsession with musicals, I very rarely watch movies. I have never seen Jurrasic Park or Dirty Dancing, and don't know the names of any actors/actresses. They could be sitting next to me in a restaurant and I would never recognise them, let alone know their names and what movies they have been in.
I have a tattoo of a rose on my stomach that I got when I was 15.
The month before my mom got remarried when I was 16, I had my hair dyed black with bright red streaks and got my eyebrow, lip and nose pierced.
I took swimming lessons for 8 years and still can't swim more than about 3 feet.
My dream job would be eith at an advertising agency or owning my own t-shirt designing business.
I feel more at home in New York than anywhere else I have lived: I love the buzz, the atmosphere, the frenzy, but most of all, I love who I become when I am there.
I panic every time I get an email or my phone rings in case I am in "trouble" for something!
I can't remember the last time I slept past 6:30am. I am usually awake LONG before then (and go to bed around 9:30!)
I haven't taken a ballet class when I was 3- as soon as I mention dancing, people seem to think I mean ballet. The classes I have taken since I "officially" began dancing have been hip-hop, street and breakdancing.
I hate citrus fruits and anything citrus flavoured.
I worry a lot about what people think of me- I have this notion that everyone is watching me and judging me and am petrified to make contact with a lot of my family because I am so scared of disappointing them.
I have never had a cavity/filling.
I have a phobia of bees and wasps. This means I do not open windows in my apartment. Ever. It also means that my bathroom is now the "smoking room" (it has an extractor fan). Plus side of this is my apartment doesn't smell of smoke. Word of advice: you may want to pee before you come over. It's a little smoky in there...
I could eat deli-made chicken salad wraps for lunch every day and never get tired of them.
I am secretly obsessed with other people's careers. I could listen to people talk all day about their jobs... I don't know why it interests me so much, but I am beyond intrigued. Part of why I love reading blogs is because I am so fascinated by how other people spend their time- what they do, what they think about, what they eat. Not in an eating disordered way, I am just so curious about how other people experience the world around them.
I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was 20 and ever since then, have been unable to eat crunchy foods. It's like I have 'phantom teeth' and when I try to bite into stuff, it hurts a LOT where the teeth used to be. You'd think I would be used to it by now (6 years!) but I avoid any hard/crunchy foods.
I have a pretty dry sense of humour- people often look at me funnily and can't figure out if I am being serious or joking. Chances are, if I am talking, I am joking. I find it VERY difficult to have serious conversations- the urge to crack a joke/lighten things up is just too tempting.
I have never eaten a blondie, guacamole, a burrito (aside from Amy's!) or a hot fudge sundae though am 110% sure I would love them all. Aside from guacamole, none of these are easy to find in the UK but are on my list of things I want to do when I am next in NY!

So now you have lots of ~~unnecessary~~ useful information about me (no black-mailing, thanks!) Any questions, ask away!

Onto the good stuff...

I fueled up for day 2 of work with one of my favourite (and blog-inspired!) breakfasts.

Banana pumpkin oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana and pumpkin) topped with peanut butter. Pumpkin (and peanut butter for that matter) are so under-appreciated in the UK. I never understand why- both are just hands-down amazingly delicious and nutritious.

Work was pretty good- definitely less exhausting than yesterday now that I know what to expect. The office was much quieter today since half the staff were on an "away day" (quite what that entails, I do not know!) so I had more of a chance to get to know the few people that were there...and had less people to ask for help when I couldn't figure out what to do :P

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday- why fix what ain't broke, right?

Quorn "ham" (which I am pretty sure IS Kosher when manufactured in the UK. Quite a few of the quorn products are- check your 'Kosher Food Guide' if it's a concern for you!) with laughing cow ~~love~~ cheese, spinach and tomato chutney.

New snack:
I didn't really like this flavour much. So far have tried this one, coconut cream pie and PB cookie. The peanut butter is amazing, but I haven't liked the other two much. This is one of the flavours that IS readily available in the UK though so I might try it again at some point.

Hope everyone's week is tying up nicely so you can relax and enjoy the weekend- what have you got planned?

Fresh Starts

2009-04-30T07:44:00.023+01:00

Thank you SO much for the support and encouragement you gave me on last night's post. I'm feeling pretty good about the goals I have set- they feel realistic and achievable at this point. Onwards and upwards!

Today was my first day of my volunteer placement. I LOVED IT! The organisation works with homeless and vulnerable people to help them find accommodation, provides training and helps them back into employment. I am working on the administration side of things- it was a much more fast-paced environment than I was expecting and there was a lot of information to take in and things to learn. After my 3 hours, I was exhausted! In a good way though- I didn't have a single thought about food/weight the entire time which is GREAT and it felt amazing o be doing something worthwhile with my time. The people were all really friendly- it felt SO good to be around people, chatting, socialising, learning again. I've missed interacting with "peers" because that has been seriously lacking since returning to the UK. I was originally to only work one morning a week, but they have started a new project this week and are really overstretched so I am planning on doing 2-3 mornings a week.

In other news, I talked a lot with my mom last night about New York- we decided it's best that I postpone my trip until a bit later this year (October). I am a little disappointed because I was really looking forward to some summer sunshine and getting back to NY sooner, but I think it's for the best to delay things- this way I have a decent chunk of time to get established in a work routine and have a bit more time to improve my own circumstances and get the most out of my trip when I DO go. So although it's not as soon as I hoped, I think time is going to fly by now that I have more structure to my week. Plus this way I have longer to enjoy looking forward to it, right?!

Onto some food...

I started today with some muesli:

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract and sweetener- topped with frozen blueberries and left to soak overnight. I usually add almonds to this but had a crazy banana craving this morning...

I was so busy all morning at work that I had zero appetite when I got home- this has been a downfall of mine when I have worked/been in school full-time before. I completely lose my appetite when I am busy or stressed! Anyone else find this? How do you make sure you get adequate nutrition? It just doesn't come naturally to me to make time for food if I am busy doing other things...good thing I planned ahead.

Lunch was a delicious sandwich:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, tomato relish and spinach on wholewheat bread. This bread is delicious- the slices are small but packed full of seeds/flavour. I am LOVING the quorn "ham" these days! I had never tried laughing cow cheese until recently, but having seen it on so many blogs, wanted to try it. I've been missing out all this time! The creaminess is delicious with the "ham" and the chutney/spinach round out the sandwich perfectly.

I don't have much planned for the rest of the day...catching up on blogs, emails, etc then my support worker is coming by later.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Whilst I remember, check out Missy's great giveaway!

Goals, Changes...Commitment-phobe Actually Commits?

2009-04-29T21:12:00.007+01:00

I've been thinking more and more about the last few days. It felt good to actually write about the conflict I have going on- I think it's important to acknowledge that there is a very real pull towards my eating disorder, because otherwise it festers silently.

I've talked a lot about what "normal" is, and this has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately. What entails recovery, normality. I have come to the conclusion that "normality" doesn't exist. Normal for ME won't be normal for somebody else. What makes me happy might not make somebody else happy. What works for me and my recovery might not work for someone else.

I want to shift the focus of my blog a bit- from constantly questioning and analyzing the right/wrong way to recover/live, onto a more personal level about MY journey. That was the original intention and I feel like I've lost focus lately amidst everything going on.

I've been thinking about goals again- short term, medium term and long term, Using "S.M.A.R.T." principles (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely) which has been the only thing I have ever used from when I qualified as a life coach a few years ago, I came up with these:

So, some of my goals...

get back on track with some sort of balanced and varied meal plan (ongoing- has been recently, but kicking things up a notch)
start voluntary work (tomorrow)
continue working with my therapist to build up the hours of volunteering I do (seeing her weekly to review how I am managing things)
work towards being stable enough to ENJOY my trip to New York (now in October- I want to have a GOOD TIME not an anorexia-infused trip)

They are a work in progress and likely to change over time as I learn and grow and discover more about myself as ELLIE, not "Ellie with her sidekick, Anorexia".

One of my longer term goals is to move back to New York so all the smaller goals I have set are with that in mind- if I stumble or start to struggle, I might need reminded to keep the bigger picture in mind! :)

I've said before that this isn't a food blog, but I want to change that a little too. It's been helping me a lot to post photos in terms of branching out/trying new things so there will be more of that. I will NOT be posting entire days worth of food because I don't see that as beneficial to me at this point. I'm going to be making gradual changes so a lot of my meals are pretty repetitive but I am aiming to do at least a couple photos a day whilst I work on building a healthier relationship with food/my body.

I am pretty certain that the path that anorexia leads down is not one I am willing to devote any more time/attention to. I know I'm going to struggle with this. I know I'll have thoughts/urges/moments of despair/days when I want to throw it all in and revert back to what is familiar. But what's scarier to me at this point than a life WITHOUT anorexia is the thought of a life WITH anorexia (now there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one!).

Maybe I should add one more thing to my goals...

to use my blog to vent about frustrations/fears/life rather than instinctively running back into the arms of my eating disorder

Wasted Excerpt

2009-04-29T13:35:00.004+01:00

I am lacking in words/creativity today but wanted to share an excerpt from "Wasted". A lot of this book is pretty graphic/triggering, but the last chapter has some amazing insight and is worth reading.

Looking back, I see what I did then was pretty basic. I took a leap of
faith. And I believe that has made all the difference. I hung on to the only
thing that seemed real to me, and that was a basic ethical principle: if I was
alive, then I had a responsibility to stay alive and do something with the life
I had been given. And though I was not at all convinced, when I made that leap
of faith, that I had any sensible reason for doing so- though I did not fully
believe that there was anything that could possibly make as much sense as an
eating disorder- I made it because I began to wonder. I simply began to wonder,
in the same way I had wondered what would happen if I began to lose weight, what
would happen if I stopped. It was worth it.

It is worth it. It's exhausting but it is a fight I believe in. I cannot
believe, anymore, in the fight between body and soul. If I do, it will kill me.
But more importantly, if I do, I have taken the easy way out. I know for a fact
that sickness is easier.

But health is more interesting.

- Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

Conflict Continued

2009-04-28T18:30:00.005+01:00

The thing I am struggling most with right now in "choosing" recovery (by "choosing" I mean, giving it my all) is that I want some sort of guarantee. I like to plan ahead. I like to know how things will pan our, what's going to happen, what shape things will form. Life does not work like that (much to my annoyance). I want some type of guarantee that life will be better- I have this vision in my head of being happy and healthy and functional in a conventional sense of the world. I find it hard to accept that I have quirks and personality traits that are what make me *me*- I want to become somebody else through recovery.

This of course defies all logic. Life won't suddenly become sunshine and rainbows. I probably will struggle to find a job at all in this economy, let alone one that matches my dreams and aspirations. There will always be broken friendships, bills to pay, rainy days. That's LIFE.

When I think about the "guarantee" that comes with an eating disorder (physical problems, inability to function, memory/concentration problems, isolation, obsessions) it seems ridiculous that I won't just take the risk of stepping into a world which has both ups AND downs. Why would I choose a life that is pretty much jam-packed of the "downs"?

Because it's guaranteed. It's predictable. It matches how I function- it's all very scientific and mathematical. It goes more by logic (eat x = y occurs, do z = yy occurs). It shuts me off from having to form friendships or relationships. I don't put myself out there to be rejected by friends/family/jobs because I am more concerned with what's going on in my head. Depressed? Walk X miles. Anxious? Purge. There are "simple" problems and "simple" solutions. It's straight-forward, and for something that needs order and control (oh, how cliche), it's easier.

But is it really?

I have nothing. I live alone and I talk to precisely 4 people regularly- one of whom is my mom, the other 3 are treatment professionals. My "hobbies" are all food related. Food can't hurt me the way people can. I tell myself it's easier like this. That I am safer like this. That this is the best option for me.

Honestly? I am scared to death of leaving this behind because I don't know how to function in the world without an eating disorder. I didn't know how to handle it when I was dealing with the stress last summer of getting rejected from one job interview after another. I didn't know how to cope when friends cancelled plans or didn't return calls. I took it so personally: obviously there was something wrong with ME. I couldn't step back and see that maybe the economy is just s*** right now, maybe the job wasn't a good fit, maybe my friends were busy... I just saw it as evidence that I was not cut out for working/friendships/normality.

It just seems to stupid. I look at the guarantees that come with anorexia and it's NOT what I want. But I choose it because I understand it. I know where I stand, the way the path weaves, the journey it takes, the consequences.

Life is just one huge mass of scribbly lines and bright colours.

I feel crazy writing this. I regret deleting this afternoon's post because it was pretty much identical to this one- but with me recognising that I was copping-out BIG time and saying over and over again that I DO NOT WANT TO BE 'THAT' GIRL. I wrote about not wanting to be the girl who stays home obsessing about food/calories, who never eats her own birthday cake, never does anything with her life. I wrote it and I mean it. I really do. I hate that I dole out advice and never take my own. I hate that I complain about hating my eating disorder, about wanting to move to New York, about these amazing plans I have- yet that I don't actually make any real concerted effort to change my situation.

I've been in treatment enough times to know how to eat. I have the CBT and DBT handouts. I can spout therapy jargon in my sleep. Yet something stops me from putting it all into practice.

I read a lot of blogs and I want so badly to be part of the "recovering" community. I know that you guys struggle each and every day, and I see you fighting so.damn.hard. I feel like my blog is just one big joke, and I am "that girl". The one who sits at home bitching and moaning and being miserable whilst having a rather intimate affair with the disease she claims to hate.

That's the real reason I deleted my earlier post. Not because I didn't mean what I said, but because it felt ridiculous reading it back. Like "the boy who cried wolf". I read it and it just didn't match up with "me". It was full of resolutions that this needs to stop NOW, that it's gone on long enough and I am so damn tired of it and tired of myself and tired of the same old s*** every.single.day. But staring back at me from the screen it just looked like some cheesy cliched crap. I feel like I bring the whole blogging community down (which is really rather egocentric of me- nobody is forced to read my blog!)

I don't know if I am making sense. I am literally all over the place right now- feeling like I am at a crossroad, and have been for quite some time. I debate constantly about having to choose either recovery or anorexia, when really it's just an excuse to delay things because I keep clinging to the hope that at some point, there will be an awesome pay-off to my eating disorder (which yes, I am aware will never come on an intellectual level, but emotionally I still want things to match up and make pretty patterns/colours/rainbows).

Conflict

2009-04-27T19:06:00.025+01:00

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

Looking Through Different Eyes

2009-04-27T13:31:00.012+01:00

Yesterday's anxiety spiralled into a frenzy last night. I knew I should just call it a night and go to bed, but I stayed awake, curled up on the sofa writing in my "meal planner" book, throwing out food, sticking abusive notes to myself all over my apartment. I woke up this morning feeling like a different person- went to the fridge to get my overnight muesli, only to remember that in last night's rampage, I had covered the entire thing with washing-up liquid.

I walked around slowly, pulling down the notes, cleaning up and starting my week afresh.

I spent a lot of time last night looking at blog entries from a year ago when I was in New York. I noted two things:-

This time last year, I was writing very similar posts: the same frustrations about not being able to let go of my eating disorder and move forward once and for all- recognising baby steps, but not really making any significant changes
I WAS happier overall being in New York, but I wrote a lot about the anxiety and depression I was dealing with, the loneliness, rejection, stress about finding/keeping a job, health care, etc. It wasn't all as happy and wonderful as I continue to picture it to be.

So where does that leave things? I don't want to be writing the same posts a year from now. I thought I would want to be living in New York, but having re-read how I really felt/managed whilst I was there, I'm not so sure.

I am so frustrated right now- I feel like I have no goals in mind, nothing to aim for and am just drifting along for no real reason. That was the thinking behind last night's 'episode'- I figured that if I can't be normal/recovered/living a "real" life, then why even bother trying to fight this at all?..

I AM feeling better this morning. Not because I woke up having discovered my true calling in life and suddenly have goals/purpose/passions to pursue, but because I need to believe that somehow, sometime this will get easier. It's not always going to be like this- though part of my brain is screaming as I write this that things really AREN'T going to change dramatically. But that is such a defeatist attitude, such a cop-out. As long as I am around, I have a chance to change things- I guess although I am having a lot of the same thoughts as last night, instead of using it to fall head-first back into heavy ED behaviours, I'm trying to use it to propel me forward...

Before I forget, head on over to Meg's site to read a great post about living life to the fullest!

***********

With today's breakfast sabotaged, I kind of panicked. I didn't want to eat the breakfast I planned last night when I was in such an emotional state, so scrounged around to make up my usual calorie quota with what was lying around...

Bran flakes with Fage honey twin pot and raisins. Where would I be without Fage?! I actually found this sickeningly sweet- I love honey, but there was a LOT of it in this yogurt. I think I'll stick to the ~~cheesecake~~ fruit twin pots.

And BIG NEWS! My oven is FIXED! Of course, I had to test it out...

I made a sauce for the kidney beans using melted laughing cow cheese, pesto and mushrooms. With baked sweet potato half-moons. It's all about the ha-hee-hey-ho sweet po-ta-to... I forgot how much I love pesto- I find it a bit strong by itself, but combined with the creamy laughing cow cheese was delicious. This is the closest thing I have come to "cooking" in a really long time- and definitely a first time for me "experimenting" and making up some sort of recipe as I went along. Loved it :)

Question: I finally found an all natural non-soy protein powder (it's pea protein). Stellar nutritional stats, but it's unflavoured. I don't have a blender so smoothies are out- anyone got ideas for how to use it? I am wary about buying it if it's going to be gross, but open to suggestions for jazzing it up!

Frustration

2009-04-25T19:30:00.008+01:00

I've been feeling really anxious since yesterday's post- or maybe since reading the letters I wrote all those years ago. I suddenly feel this urgency to be progressing faster- to run forwards instead of the stumbling "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" I have been taken. I don't know quite what's stopping me or holding me back- I DO know that I've felt this urgency before and rushed into things I wasn't ready for, only to collapse in a heap a few months later. It's hard to find a middle ground between moving forward and standing still.

I've talked before about how impatient I am with this "inbetween" phase- I'm not at my worst and I am not recovered. I'm somewhere in the middle and although I may be making progress/moving forward in some aspects, one foot remains firmly entrenched in "anorexia land". I still resist weight gain (which results in weight loss), I still weigh myself every day hoping to see a lower number, I still exercise more than I should, still crave the numbness that restriction brings, still obsess over food/weight. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself- maybe this is what this "stage" of recovery is all about? Or maybe I am seeing it for what it is: I'm not trying hard enough to fight this and have nobody to blame but myself that I am where I am right now.

I was always told that you have to WANT recovery- I agree with this. But wanting it isn't always enough. I feel like I am missing something crucial as I go about tackling things- like my "recovery handbook" is missing pages and I am filling in the gaps and making stuff up as I go along. I *know* that everyone's path is different and there is no "right" way to recover, but I can't help feeling like I am overseeing something huge- otherwise I'd be further forward than I am right now.

Eh. I didn't want to think about this today- I actually wasn't going to post at all, but there ya go. I can't shut up for a whole 24 hours it seems ;)

*********

In other news...

I got given a free box of bran flakes last week and since I never turn down free food, decided to make one of my favourite snacks:

Bran flakes mixed with Fage 2% twin pot... I swear this tastes like cheesecake!

Lunch featured these two ingredients:

The relish is absolutely heavenly- it's a tomato base but has raisins in it so has a sweet/savoury combination going on. Is delicious with meat/cheese (I think it tastes great by the spoonful too!) I love quorn too- this was the first time trying the "ham" slices and I was a little wary, but these did NOT disappoint!

All together now...

Well if I can't go to a NY-style diner right now, I can recreate the food, right? This sandwich was AMAZING. Though as I've said before, can you really go wrong when melted cheese is involved?..

I'm really glad that I've started incorporating some new foods into my diet- the pictures I post may not look like much in the way of huge changes, but they are pretty big for me. For as long as I can remember, it's been impossible to incorporate 2 sources of protein at one meal. Adding some source of fat (almonds, peanut butter, etc) has been avoided for...um...14 years? So yeah. I am kind of proud of the things I have been doing lately- inspired by other blogs mostly!

The Shape Of Things To Come

2009-04-24T19:33:00.020+01:00

I was going through some of my unpacked boxes last night and found a folder of worksheets from treatment. Included was on of the assignments we did in "Motivational Enhancement Therapy"- two letters we had to write to ourselves, 5 years from now, one as if we had recovered and one as if we hadn't. They were both rather chilling to read- I wrote these almost exactly five years ago and BOTH seem to have come true.

The letter I wrote as if I hadn't recovered was pretty much the same advice I would want to give to myself back then. I had written that I still had yet to find some true meaning/purpose to my days, my social life was still very limited and physical consequences of my behaviour were still a prominent feature in every day life. I wrote about my world still revolving around food, rituals and obsessions- about living from one hospital appointment to the next, one crisis to the next. Loneliness, depression, pain.

The letter I wrote as if I HAD recovered talked about having moved to New York, work, friends, hobbies. About being healthy and LOVING feeling strong (both mentally and physically), and being comfortable with a healthy/strong body. I wrote about how I was seeing my family again, eating my mom's cooking, the birthday cakes I had eaten...how I was an active participant in a world I had created for myself, that included food/diet, my certainly didn't revolve around it.

I look back on the last five years and can see periods of both wellness and sickness- the ups and downs have been in stark contrast...the downs more so probably because of the "ups" in between. Good days/weeks and bad- I guess they balance out somehow.

What it really made me realise is how quickly time does go by, and how easy it is to delay making changes/recovery for "just a little longer" when the reality is that the world doesn't stop turning- things keep changing and moving and I can only ignore it to a certain extent. As long as I stay stuck in my "anorexic bubble", I pretty much block-out the outside world, live in my head and continue to miss out on the LIFE around me- not to mention the life within me that I starve/exercise away because it scares me. It scares me to try in case I fail. In case it isn't what I hoped it would be, in case my eating disorder is the lesser of two evils and that I am better off somehow remaining "safe" with the devil I know rather than taking a risk that doesn't work out.

But I am bored of playing it safe. I know the kind of life anorexia gives me- yes it's predictable, familiar and to a certain extent, feels safe. It's also limiting, suffocating, lonely and insanely DULL.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for”

Life isn't about always playing it safe, taking the easy way out. It's about branching out, doing new things, exploring, discovering, making mistakes, falling down and getting back up again. Daring to dream, daring to dream BIG and taking the risk to see if those dreams can come true.

And that's my shpiel for the day :P

Onto some food!

Breakfast: overnight blueberry almond muesli...

oats

unsweetened fromage frais (Greek yoghurt's runny twin sister)

vanilla extract

sweetener

frozen blueberries

almonds

Left to soak overnight, then mixed together to eat...

I love this- it's so refreshing and would be perfect on a hot day. Too bad Scotland doesn't have many "hot days"!

Lunch was another Mexican bean pate sandwich. Still unspreadable, still delicious- loved the addition of alfalfa sprouts! I bet this would be great on a baked sweet potato...

Let The Healing Begin

2009-04-23T20:32:00.015+01:00

I forgive myself for having never completing high school/college...
I forgive myself for not going to medical school...
I forgive myself for putting my friendships/relationships on the back-burner...
I forgive myself for the damage I have caused to my body...
I forgive myself for the years I spent in hospital...
I forgive myself for not accepting the treatment I was given because I wasn't ready for it...
I forgive myself for relapsing after my family invested a lot of time/money into my treatment...
I forgive myself for not being as independent as I would like...
I forgive myself for not being able to manage living/working in New York last summer...
I forgive myself for the suicide attempts and self-harm...
I forgive myself for developing an eating disorder...

I forgive myself because I can't go back and change things, do things differently. I've done a lot of things I regret over the years, damaged a lot of relationships and caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. I think about it a lot and wish I could go back in time and somehow fix things- but I can't. And until I stop punishing myself for the choices I HAVE made, I'll never break free from this spiral of self-loathing/self-destruction. All that I have is THIS moment: a chance to make healthier choices and a chance to lay solid foundations so that the years ahead of me aren't repeats of the years that lie behind me.

Now with the heavy stuff out of the way...

Breakfast:

Same banana oat base (oats, 1/2 milk + 1/2 water, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana), with raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter again- the last of my raspberries thankfully. I thought frozen fruit is generally a pretty safe bet in terms of good taste but these were really sour. Maybe I just don't really like raspberries! I have lots of frozen blueberries and some cans of pumpkin so my oats will be raspberry-free from this point on.

In the spirit of self-compassion, I wanted to try one of my childhood favourite foods. I didn't eat 'junk food' often when I was little (I was the weirdo kid with raw mushrooms and raisins at playtime!) but occasionally my dad would take me to the bakery for one of these:

Honestly? I didn't like it very much. I think my taste buds have changed quite a lot over the years- it tasted sickeningly sweet but otherwise doughy and bland. My love of raw mushrooms and raisins remains, however! I'm glad I TRIED this because doughnuts are a kind of "no-go" zone for me, but give me a Clif bar or Larabar over this any day. Of course, I will need to experiment with some other old favourites ;) What were some of your favourite foods when you were growing up? Do you still enjoy them now?

Onto dinner:

Leftover tofu (marinaded in BBQ sauce) with mashed potato and steamed vegetables. So unphotogenic, but so tasty! I was very tempted to squirt ketchup and mustard all over it to add some flashy colours (think "JAZZZZZZ HANDS" culinary-style!) but I resisted the urge. I know a lot of you guys appreciate tofu and steamed vegetables even if they don't glow in the dark or sparkle (cheese-whiz anyone?)

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Amazing Healing Power Of Sleep

2009-04-23T13:46:00.015+01:00

I woke up feeling much better today. Never underestimate the healing powers of sleep (+ proper food!). I am always amazed by the impact physical state has on emotional state- anyone else noticed this? When I am getting adequate nutrition and rest, my thoughts are so much clearer and mood so much brighter. It's a vicious cycle when I start restricting because inevitably my sleep patterns become more disrupted leading to deeper depression/fuzzier thinking leading to falling back into old coping skills (more restricting)...it's definitely something that is easier to prevent in the first place than pull myself out of!

Work induction went well. Everyone seems really nice and am all set to start next week. There are a couple new projects starting up so it's going to be really busy- I'll just be there one morning a week initially doing admin work, then I'll increase my hours and be working more in the marketing/PR department.

In EXCITING NEWS (!), I am planning my trip to New York and can't WAIT. I am beyond excited. Dates yet to be confirmed, but I'm looking at the last week in August and first two weeks in September. Blogger meet-up anyone?

And some other oh-so-exciting stuff (who am I kidding? :P )-

Breakfast:

Banana oatmeal (oats, vanilla, mashed banana, milk) with frozen raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter. I missed my pumpkin oats- these raspberries were REALLY sour, despite the sweetness of the banana and peanut butter. I think breakfast is my favourite meal of the day- most people I know eat the same stuff for breakfasts most days (cereal and/or toast) but for me it's when I am most creative and try lots of new combinations. I also eat really early (wake up around 5:30, drink coffee then eat) so I am usually calm and the outside world is quiet and peaceful. What's your favourite meal of the day and why?

Snack:

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar spread with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Peanut butter twice in one day? Why not?!

Lunch:

Mexican bean pate and tomato sandwich. A new find! The pate was really good but somewhat unspreadable and stayed in a big slab despite my efforts to mush it around. Tasted great though! I just noticed that almost all my meals today have been BROWN. At least my sour raspberries added a splash of colour if nothing else!

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday so far- weekend is almost here! What have you got planned?

More Than My Emotions

2009-04-22T15:42:00.011+01:00

I slept for a total of about 4 hours last night so much of today has been spent in a kind of daze. I'm tired, but not "sleepy" tired- I feel flat, hopeless, sad. Those are my signals that I need rest and it's hard sometimes to see them as signs of being tired rather than taking them at face-value and thinking that I AM hopeless/depressed. I'm just tired. I need to keep reminding myself of that today and make sure I get a decent night's sleep (first day of work tomorrow!) and hold onto the knowledge that I WILL feel much better once I am refreshed.

My dad always says, "don't make any major decisions when you are tired or hungry"- I struggle with this and tend to leap into whatever my emotions lead me to, but not tonight. I'm tired and not going to make any rash or impulsive decisions. Nothing is so urgent it needs dealt with tonight- I declare Wednesday evenings "mid-week weekend"!

I did clean my entire apartment at 5am so at least something productive comes out of insomnia :P

And of course, today has involved food...

Since my pumpkin breakfast cookie was a disaster, I tried something different:

Quaker instant raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I usually like plain oats with my own mix-ins, but this flavour is awesome- I swear it tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled!) topped with mashed banana and Fage. Delicious!

A new (to me) lunch:

Tofu marinaded in BBQ sauce (pan-fried due to oven situation!) with a little cheddar cheese on Arnold's sandwich thin. This was my first time cooking tofu and I loved it! (Though everything tastes good with melted cheese!)

I definitely have a tendency to over-stuff my sandwiches! When I was in New York, I was amazed by how much filling they cram in between two slices of bread. In the UK, a turkey sandwich generally consists of bread, butter, 2 thin slices of turkey and a leaf of limp lettuce. I prefer my NY style sandwiches!

Snack:

I'm not generally a fan of Luna bars- the texture throws me a bit because it's more light/crispy than my usual favourites (Clif, Pureprotein). This flavour tastes like a rice crispie treat though so matches well with the texture.

I just want to say how much strength and motivation I am taking from reading everyone's blogs. I don't always comment, but it's been so helpful to me to read about everyone's journeys with all their ups and downs, share in the peaks and troughs of recovery/life (I read a lot of non-ED blogs). The blogging community has become such a huge part of my life and although this sounds really cheesy, I just wanted to say thank-you!

Pssst...check out the awesome Holey Donut giveaway !

Are We There Yet? (part 2)

2009-04-21T18:08:00.006+01:00

I wanted to say more about yesterday's post. I think that a lot of my frustration stems from "recovery" being REALLY hard to define or put into words. I want something I can hold up and say, "look- all better now". A healthy body would be one sign, but a healthy mind? How do you prove that? (which begs the question, to whom exactly do I want to prove it to?) All the things that I had originally clung to as indicators of "normality" (a job, etc), I've disqualified as nothing more than external achievements which don't really prove anything, let alone stability/wellness/recovery.

Oy vey. Back to the drawing board I guess? I feel like I am going in circles with all of this, when perhaps I should be focusing more on the small everyday goals/accomplishments rather than spending so much energy focusing on what recovery is/isn't, what's normal/abnormal.

Anyway, my internet is FIXED! I am excited beyond words- my new connection is much faster, I can view/post pictures and so far, is much more reliable. *touches wood*

So, onto more fun stuff :)

Breakfast this morning:

Chopped/microwaved apple topped with fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Love this granola so much! This is one of my favourite breakfasts- apple cobbler at 6am? Heck yes!

Afternoon "snack" (Katie- I hate that word too!)

Pumpkin spice Clif bar- love the frosting and chunks of raisins in this. I ordered a box in December which I am slowly getting through then have a giant stash of maple nut to work on. Clif burn-out in the foreseeable future I think!

And, I COOKED! I tried to bake something on Saturday and realised that my oven doesn't work. I was right not to trust it- it's seriously in need of some industrial strength cleaner, but I thought I should try it. After 20 minutes of sticking my head and hands in mounds of smelly grease, I gave up. Hob and microwave will do!

Quorn mince in tomato sauce with spaghetti + parmesan cheese and steamed spinach.

I could eat spinach all day long- raw, cooked...love it. Though have yet to brave it in a fruit smoothie! One day maybe ;)

Usual disclaimer: everything that is pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

Danielle tagged me to do the "survey of 8's" that's making it's way through blogosphere...

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

a long hot shower tonight
starting work on Thursday
more summer sunshine
my amazon order arriving
my TV being fixed
catching up on blogs tonight (so happy about my internet!)
seeing my mom this weekend
my trip to New York in August (woo!)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

stocked up on chewing gum
had a meeting about photography group
cleaned my kitchen and bathroom
doctors appointment
finished my book
had my first iced coffee of the year (!)
grocery shopping
played with my camera

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

get a copywriting job at an advertising agency in New York
move back to New York (without having to worry about work/money so much)
go to Australia
go to California
write a book
start my own t-shirt designing business
become fluent in another language
learn to walk in high heels

8 Shows I Watch:

QI
Scrubs
Mock The Week
8 out of 10 Cats
Everybody Loves Raymond
Badeil and Skinner Unplanned
Sex and The City
Sabrina The Teenage Witch (and I am NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT :P )

So now I am to tag 8 people- apologies if you have been tagged already!

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Are We There Yet?

2009-04-20T18:20:00.001+01:00

I was discharged from the Intensive Home Treatment Team today- my initial thought was, "does that mean I am fine now?" I don't feel much different to how I did a month ago, 2 months, 3 months ago- but that doesn't mean that how I felt then was "wrong" in some way. Maybe I am already at the place I need to be?

This is all rather confusing. I guess my point is, how do we know if we have recovered or not? I've talked before about recovery, in my head, as being this magical sparkly wonderful happy place. I know that place doesn't exist. Which means I have to define recovery for myself- which makes me wonder if I am already there. I'm not in the same "place" that a lot of people (non-eating disordered/recovered) are, but I don't think I ever WILL be. Because I am not them and my life will be shaped by MY thoughts/feelings/ideas/goals and nobody else's. I haven't achieved my goals in life yet, but hell- I'm 26. I have a lot of time ahead of me to be reaching my goals. That's what life is all about, right? Constantly changing, growing, maturing. There IS no final destination. You just carry on making sense of things as best as you can, accepting the things you don't understand, forming relationships, doing new things/getting better at old things, making mistakes and getting back on your feet. C'est la vie.

This train of thought was prompted not just by my discharge from the IHTT, but also when it struck me how bored I am. Bored of anorexia, YES (my god- how many hours can I obsess over the size of a banana before I realise how freaking DULL it is?!) but also bored of recovery. NOT bored of the idea of recovery, but bored of the grey in between area between sick and well. I'm tired of thinking the same thoughts (whether they are ED/recovery), tired of the same dilemmas/decisions (blueberries or raspberries? distraction or CBT? acceptance or pushing for change?). I am just starting to feel like this is all losing any meaning- none of it seems important right now.

I feel like I did when I was 10- I had osgood schlatters disease (when the muscle in your knee grows faster than the bone) and spent the summer on crutches. I wanted to go to the tennis camp I went to every year. Instead I sat in a bean bag reading for the entire summer...losing myself in stories about people who were out playing hockey, horseback riding, ice skating. I wanted more than ANYTHING to be running around with my friends but my body wasn't co-operating. (My parents did console me by letting me get my ears pierced- thanks guys!)

I kind of feel like this now.

Yet there is nothing concrete/tangible that I can *see* to stop me. Depression, anxiety, ED thoughts- they don't show up on x-rays or scans. There is nothing I can point to and say, "okay- I'll fix this" because I'm not quite sure what is wrong. Or if there even IS something wrong. Which leads me back to my original paragraph.

Maybe this is "normal" after all...

or maybe I just need to believe it's normal because it's driving me insane and I don't know how to fix it

A New Week Already?

2009-04-19T20:13:00.007+01:00

Sunday = library closed = no photos today. So sad. I do have some funky eats to show you guys so I'll let the anticipation build (it's really not very exciting at all- now if I could just give bites out through the screen, that would be something...sadly, blogspot barely does spell checks, let alone virtual dinner parties).

It's been a pretty mixed week. I've branched out with my meals/snacks a bit and put things into place so I have more structure next week. Depression and obsessional stuff is lingering in a somewhat maddening way, but I'm trying to act "as if"...kind of doing stuff even if I don't feel like it/would rather board a plane and fly away. I'm sitting still, holding tight and going through the motions of being "okay" even if I don't feel like it.

Is it just me or is this year FLYING by? I can't believe it's almost MAY already! Crazy. I'm so happy that the weather is getting warmer (YAY for lower gas bills :P )

Coming up this week...

Monday: appointment about starting either a photography or writing course
Tuesday: therapy
Wednesday: internet being fixed (WOO!)
Thursday: induction for volunteering work
Friday: I am starting my weekend!

Hopefully a week also filled with glorious weather. A girl can dream, right? (The term "global warming" is a little misleading when it comes to Scottish weather!)

And of course, as promised, some new foods (and some old favourites brought back in- why mess with a good thing, right?)

I'm also being discharged from the Home Treatment Team this week. I have been seeing them almost daily since being discharged from hospital so it's going to be an adjusment- they come in the evenings which are my hardest time, and things have been pretty rough the days they haven't come. I'm a little apprehensive about how it's going to go, but I hope that with internet fixed (and hopefully TV soon) I'll be able to fill my time a bit more than just with cleaning/obsessing.

In other news: I have quite a lot of Clif bars at the moment- if anyone wants to do a mini trade (I have a few pumpkin spice clif bars + some British bars, and would love pureprotein bars, sandwich thins or flat-out wraps!) drop me a line!

What's In A Year?

2009-04-18T09:24:00.005+01:00

It's was exactly one year ago today that I boarded the plane to New York. I remember how excited I was as the plane took off- naively believing that I was leaving what I've come to discover the inescapable behind. Inescapable at least until I have faced up to it and changed it myself. Running away doesn't work. I remember being full of hope that *this* time, it would work- I had somewhere to live, job interviews lined up, social plans made. I was so happy to be going back to where I consider "home".

I remember opening the door to my new bedroom, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The sunlight shone brightly through the huge window- a welcome change from the cold dampness I'd left behind in Scotland.

The weeks that followed were filled with job interview after job interview. Nobody seemed to be actually hiring, and I drifted from one company to the next- portfolio clutched closely to my chest. My motivation waned. I spent time with friends, i went to therapy, I tried my hardest to hold things together. I struggled to pay my rent, struggled to keep my eating disorder under control as I was rejected time and time again from one job to the next. I picked up pieces of temp work in between- answering phones, faxing, Xeroxing. The summer heat started to feel more suffocating than welcoming as I grew more and more hopeless and defeated. I sat in my room each night drinking warm diet cream soda, applying for jobs, hunting for somewhere cheaper to live.

My therapist was pressing for me to see a doctor- everyone I spoke to said I needed to go into an inpatient program. I could barely afford my rent with the little work I was managing to get, never mind take several weeks off for treatment. By July, I had given up trying and made arrangements to fly back to the UK. It was okay- i was going to move to London and build a life THERE. It was going to be great. I got a place for college, found somewhere to live...everything was planned out.

One minor detail overlooked: the problem wasn't where i was living or what I was doing- the problem was how I interpreted it all and how I turned on myself when things felt chaotic/disappointing/overwhelming.

I still want, more than anything, to move back to New York. Do I want it badly enough to make it happen? I'm not sure. Last year i really thought, "third time lucky"- I guess I have learned stuff each time I have moved, even if it hasn't always had the end result that I was looking for. I'm not sure how to go about planning another move at this stage- if there is another move, it's going to be the last.

At least I know now that my difficulties come with me wherever I go, and nothing external is going to change things until I have changed what's going on inside of me...

**************

Onto more fun stuff. I finally found it!

I have been hunting for this because I thought I would LOVE it. I was pretty disappointed. I found the flavour to be bland, but overly sweet- not much coconutty taste at all, just a weird sugary taste that i couldn't quite place. I didn't like the peanut butter cookie one though initially so might need to try this again at some point- though only if it's given to me for free!

Last night I attempted to make one of the breakfast cookies I've seen all over blogosphere lately. Using leftover pumpkin and a sample pack of muesli, I came up with this...

I overestimated the absorption ability of oats a little! Pumpkin : Oat ratio = wrong-o!

Yogurt to the rescue...

And that is how the cookie crumbles!!!

Seemingly Meaningless Meaning

2009-04-17T10:09:00.003+01:00

Thanks for your feedback on yesterday's post. I am well aware of the fact that I need something TO focus on other than food/weight- it's looking likely that I'll be starting volunteer work next week and I am pretty excited about that.

I think part of why I find it hard to relax and take pleasure from distractions is that it all seems rather pointless. It's hard for me to enjoy things just for the sake of enjoyment itself- I want things to have meaning and purpose, something BEYOND just having a good time. I feel like if it's not taking me further towards bigger goals in life, then there isn't a point to it. I guess that's another place mindfulness can come in- enjoying each moment as it is without constantly thinking of where it is leading. Reading a book because I like the story, listening to music because I enjoy singing along. Not EVERYTHING has to be a major investment in the future (in terms of job, etc)- sometimes an investment in the future is just making each passing moment that bit more pleasant.

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Now, onto food since I am at the library :)

Like I mentioned before, I am making an effort to branch out from my usual meals. Starting with breakfast...

A change from pumpkin oats/granola: blueberry and almond muesli

In the mix:

oats
plain fromage frais
vanilla extract
frozen blueberries
almonds

Left so soak overnight, then mixed together the next morning...

This WILL be repeated!

A new twist on mini clif bars- I suddenly realised that these expire in May, so am trying to use them up. As creatively as possible of course!

Spread w/ 1/2 tbsp white chocolate wonder peanut butter. Aaaah...heavenly.

And I DID make my pasta- I swear this isn't a recycled pic!

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with tomato basil sauce and steamed tenderstem broccoli

I am having fun branching out and trying new things- more to come: watch this space!

What Do I Do With All This Space?..

2009-04-16T16:53:00.004+01:00

...I'm talking head space here.

If my therapist is right (and she has yet to be wrong- this woman is amazing) then the preoccupation with food is partially to block out depression/anxiety. It is, no doubt, partly related to weight/behaviours (anyone read the Minnesota Study?) , but I think she is right with her idea as to why it's gotten so much worse lately.

I've noticed since the day when I decided I don't need to be so black/white in my thinking about my meal plan, my anxiety has lessened and I am spending far less time thinking about food. Instead, my thoughts have drifted back into a hole of despair and negativity. I honestly don't know what else TO think about.

I have been trying to distract myself with reading (yay chic lit!), music, making collages, but it all feels kind of...meaningless. I am very aware of the fact that I am doing these things, not necessarily because I ENJOY them, but because I know I need to drag my thoughts away from where they will wander if I don't make a conscious effort to direct them somewhere.

I don't want to spend my life feeling like I am just going through motions to kill time so I don't go insane. I've written before about how I do things 100%- whether it's my eating disorder or work, it's very much full-on 'don't-think-don't-feel' mode.

Maybe this is normal? I have no idea. I don't KNOW what people think about on a day-to-day basis. I have ideas about how they fill their time, but just little things...waiting for the bus, standing in line in a store. What are they thinking about? I'm not asking because I'm nosy- I just can't seem to even contemplate the idea that there ARE things worth thinking about other than food/weight.

I take away the eating disorder thoughts, the depression thoughts...then what? My mind goes completely blank...

Who To Trust?

2009-04-15T15:49:00.002+01:00

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

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The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

A - Z Of Happiness

2009-04-14T06:36:00.002+01:00

Happiness Is...

Adventures in self-discovery
Being true to yourself
Creating a life that you love
Disposition, not circumstance
Enjoying what you have
Finding balance
Growing friendships
Having someone to love
Inside job: go within
Journey of the heart
Knowing when to let go
Learning from mistakes
Making the best of any situation
Not taking things personally
Optional, so is misery
Progress, not perfection
Quality of your thoughts
Reverance for body, mind and spirit
Spending time with loved ones
Today, well-lived
Unconditional- no "if's", "and's" or "but's"
Valuing feelings and needs
Whatever makes your heart sing
Xpressing your truth, lovingly
Your choice- if not know, when?
Zzzzz...a good night's sleep

- Keep Coming Back

Hard Travellin'

2009-04-13T18:19:00.001+01:00

I woke up at 5 am this morning, and proceeded with my routine:

take vitamins
turn computer on
weigh myself
boil kettle
smoke cigarette
make coffee and drink whilst reading 3 specific blogs
eat breakfast
prepare food for dinner
smoke another cigarette

All of that went the same as it does pretty much any other day. 15 minutes later, I was huddled up against the wall, the floor around me scattered with paper, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt like my brain was literally being hacked into a thousand little pieces. I kind of lost track of time amidst crying/writing/calculating/smoking. Needless to say, by 7am I had worked myself up into quite a state. I threw on the clothes I wore yesterday, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.

More time was lost.

Somewhere along my walk I decided I should buy pasta sauce. Not just ANY pasta sauce, but a single serving of plain tomato pasta sauce. I had remembered that I had 1 portion of tortellini in the freezer and suddenly decided that it would make a perfect dinner for tomorrow. I went into about 4 different supermarkets- in each one, I found the sauce and waited in line to pay. When it was my turn, I left the queue, put the sauce back on the shelf and darted out the store with thoughts literally crashing around in my head. I cranked the volume up on my iPod and carried on walking. With hundreds of reasons to BUY the sauce and eat pasta tomorrow, and hundreds of reasons NOT to.

I don't know why this is such a bug deal. It's one meal- my dinner is the exact same thing every night at the moment and ONE night of something different is not going to have any dramatic effect on my weight, my life, the world. Yet it felt like a HUGE deal to even be contemplating eating something different. Even if the "different" thing was a regular feature in my diet 6 weeks ago.

I went back and forth in my head about last night's post- old plan, new plan, scrap the plan...fruitarian? vegan? high protein? sodium? fibre? money? I couldn't step back and see the wood for the trees. I vaguely remember sending panicky texts to my mom, then ignoring my phone when she tried to call. I remember listening to Pete Seeger singing "Hard Travelling" at full blast. I eventually answered my phone, but when my mom started to get frustrated and yelling, the noise was too much combined with the noise in my head and I hung up.

Walking, smoking, walking, smoking.

Then it hit me. I don't NEED to give up my old plan, and I don't need to leap straight into the new plan. I can gradually work towards the new plan over the coming weeks- slowly phase out my "safe" foods whilst reintroducing new ones. It seems so damn obvious now. It's only taken me 4 days to realise that it doesn't HAVE to be so black and white/all or nothing.

I feel really stupid now.

I bought the pasta sauce, came home, tidied up the masses of paper around my apartment- pulled out a new notebook and planned the next couple of weeks out. They make sense. Suddenly my world stopped spinning wildly, my heart stopped pounding and I sat on the sofa staring out the window for over an hour. Just silent, sitting, breathing.

I started having thoughts of why I need to change the plan I have right now- why it even MATTERS even more. I feel like for years I had all these great motivating goals- as time has gone by and my recovery has been up and down, I've tried out all these goals. None of them worked out or felt as good as I hoped they would. I don't really have any concrete reason to change things, to keep working towards recovery, to keep fighting the anorexic voice in my head.

Nothing 'concrete' like a specific thing I want to be able to do (move to New York, dance, etc).

I do however have this: if the sheer hell of the past few days has been caused by anorexia, then that is reason enough for me to want to break free from this once and for all.

Up and Down and Round Again

2009-04-12T19:54:00.002+01:00

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up

roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 left...so by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!