I've been feeling really anxious since yesterday's post- or maybe since reading the letters I wrote all those years ago. I suddenly feel this urgency to be progressing faster- to run forwards instead of the stumbling "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" I have been taken. I don't know quite what's stopping me or holding me back- I DO know that I've felt this urgency before and rushed into things I wasn't ready for, only to collapse in a heap a few months later. It's hard to find a middle ground between moving forward and standing still.
I've talked before about how impatient I am with this "inbetween" phase- I'm not at my worst and I am not recovered. I'm somewhere in the middle and although I may be making progress/moving forward in some aspects, one foot remains firmly entrenched in "anorexia land". I still resist weight gain (which results in weight loss), I still weigh myself every day hoping to see a lower number, I still exercise more than I should, still crave the numbness that restriction brings, still obsess over food/weight. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself- maybe this is what this "stage" of recovery is all about? Or maybe I am seeing it for what it is: I'm not trying hard enough to fight this and have nobody to blame but myself that I am where I am right now.
I was always told that you have to WANT recovery- I agree with this. But wanting it isn't always enough. I feel like I am missing something crucial as I go about tackling things- like my "recovery handbook" is missing pages and I am filling in the gaps and making stuff up as I go along. I *know* that everyone's path is different and there is no "right" way to recover, but I can't help feeling like I am overseeing something huge- otherwise I'd be further forward than I am right now.
Eh. I didn't want to think about this today- I actually wasn't going to post at all, but there ya go. I can't shut up for a whole 24 hours it seems ;)
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In other news...
I got given a free box of bran flakes last week and since I never turn down free food, decided to make one of my favourite snacks:
Bran flakes mixed with Fage 2% twin pot... I swear this tastes like cheesecake!
Lunch featured these two ingredients:
The relish is absolutely heavenly- it's a tomato base but has raisins in it so has a sweet/savoury combination going on. Is delicious with meat/cheese (I think it tastes great by the spoonful too!) I love quorn too- this was the first time trying the "ham" slices and I was a little wary, but these did NOT disappoint!
All together now...
Well if I can't go to a NY-style diner right now, I can recreate the food, right? This sandwich was AMAZING. Though as I've said before, can you really go wrong when melted cheese is involved?..
I'm really glad that I've started incorporating some new foods into my diet- the pictures I post may not look like much in the way of huge changes, but they are pretty big for me. For as long as I can remember, it's been impossible to incorporate 2 sources of protein at one meal. Adding some source of fat (almonds, peanut butter, etc) has been avoided for...um...14 years? So yeah. I am kind of proud of the things I have been doing lately- inspired by other blogs mostly!
8 comments:
I didn't know you could get quorn ham style slices. I'll have to look out for that.
Yay! Don't sell yourself short-ANY change is hard and something to be celebrated!! Keep on taking those baby steps...I know how frustrating it can be to feel stuck, but sometimes true change can only come about through slow, hard work. Take care!!
Hi Ellie. Would you recommend the Quorn ham? I've only tried the frozen "chicken" pieces in the past and they were just OK. The ham looks pretty good though...how's the texture?
I understand the frustration of that in-between stage...that's where I am. Where you are 'functioning', but not completely 'living'. Its doubly hard because you are well enough to know that you are NOT well ENOUGH, but feel stuck in the middle of some grey area. You could live your whole life that way....but should you? Do you want to?
Quorn ham, huh? I keep kosher, so even though that's technically ok, I still couldn't do it. Ha.
I was stuck in that inbetween phase for a very long time too. I find it hard to put my finger on what moved my head out of that stage eventually. I think if I had to choose one thing it was that anorexia stopped feeling safe for me. I had this belief that I could carry on half anorexic and half functioning indefinitely, and then I discovered that my body had other ideas (darn it!). The reality of living with chronic anorexia started to seem far scarier than recovery after that. You have made a lot of really big steps, you're absolutely right not to dismiss that - maybe it's a cumulative thing, and after a certain point all those steps will tip the balance fully towards recovery. I'm glad you 'can't shut up' :P I like reading your blog! It's interesting, and you often write things in a way that I really relate to but haven't managed to put into words myself yet.
You took the words right out of my mouth, describing how I feel: "I'm not trying hard enough to fight this and have nobody to blame but myself that I am where I am right now." I feel very guilty for not being able to change more, for the thoughts still being there. I feel constantly frustrated with myself.
But, my therapist constantly reminds me that I have made some changes, and I should be proud of the changes that I have made so far.
Life is so much more than going through the day to day motions to "just get by." I know you are tired of living this way, as am I. Just continue to make the changes.
LOL "surprisingly versatile," oh man Quorn needs a new catch phrase! I completely understand about being stuck in this in between stage of recovery, don't be so hard on yourself! You're right, wanting it isn't EVERYTHING but I think you should be proud of the steps you've taken to get healthier! It's understandable that your ED wouldn't want to let go of you too easily, not without a fight!
I'm in the same position re: the frustration with myself for not getting along with this faster. It's really a self-perpetuating frustration, because the longer you spin your wheels, the more frustrating it gets!! I wish I had some constructive advice on that one, but I think that it just has to come from somewhere inside yourself... the ability to give yourself a nice swift kick in the ass.
Hooray for incorporating new foods into your diet!! :)
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