Another Downer...

I don't remember a time when I wanted to die quite as badly as I do right now. I have exhausted all my options in terms of trying to move forward and honestly don't see an alternative. This isn't an, "I'm going to kill myself right now- goodbye!" post BTW. I just don't know what to do. I had thought/hoped that coming to New York would help with my depression, lift me out of this "funk" and remind me why I want to get better- being in NY has always motivated me on some level because I wanted so badly to live here. This time it's been a completely different experience. I have no desire to live here. I have no desire to be well enough to hold down a job (who would hire me? I can't *do* anything of use). I have no desire to go back to college, to lose more weight/to gain weight/to eat/not eat... I've spent a crazy amount of money this week because it doesn't MATTER. I don't need money. I don't need anything anymore. I'm so tired. I don't want to be in New York, don't want to go back to London, don't want to live with anyone, don't want to be by myself. I just don't want to be around. Period. I don't even want help anymore. I just want to be left alone.