Keep The Faith

Thank you so much for your support yesterday! I woke up today still feeling really down and decided I had 2 choices- I could hide away from the world and just sit under the 'cloud' or I could force myself to act "as if" and go about the things I had planned for the day. It was a tough call! I sat for 2 hours trying to come up with an excuse for not going to work, then realised that I *did* sit with my feelings yesterday. I got through the day, but didn't feel better this morning. So time for a different tactic: I put on a happy face (and a DRESS!) and went to work. Sunshine + being around 'normal' people + feeling productive/useful = much better mood. Result!



Onto today...

I've been thinking about what feels so different this attempt at recovery because I am certainly facing different challenges than I have encountered before. The big difference is that this time I am NOT trying to recovery because of some concrete goal I have in mind- every other time my primary motivation has been because I wanted to move back to New York. A great goal, but my recovery has always been based on something not entirely within my control and the problem with that is that if/when the external world gets shaky (as it often does- it's LIFE), my recovery falls apart. This time my motivation for recovery is different- I am recovering because I am sick of my eating disorder. That doesn't make it easier- in some ways, it's harder. I can't stick up photos of New York around my apartment, I can't picture anything solid in my head when I have urges to restrict... I have to just hold on to HOPE rather than something tangible like a clear image of the life I want. Because I don't KNOW what kind of life I want- I just know that anorexia isn't it.. I need to sit with the uncertainty, accept that anorexia has put blinkers on my vision and just cling to the belief that recovery has more to offer than anorexia does. Which I do truly believe, but I still sometimes think it would be easier to justify eating/being healthy if there was something more 'solid' to give that justification.

I guess I am taking a leap of faith. Hoping and believing that recovery has more to offer even if I don't know what that 'more' is, whilst knowing that anorexia is doing nothing more than making me trapped. I don't NEED answers right now. I want answers and conclusions and everything mapped out in a nice strategic plan- it doesn't work like that. All I can do is live the questions and find the answers along the way...

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Food...


You know the drill- banana pumpkin oats with white chocolate peanut butter. This never gets old!

Lunch was one of my new wraps- which I managed it wrap without it falling apart! (Are you impressed Jaime? :P )

Curried chicken salad (with raisins + dried apricots) and spinach on Joseph's lavash flat bread. LOVED it- I am a little obsessed with wraps. I like stuff that is 'fun' to eat... textures, shapes, etc.

Snack was a mini chocolate chip Clif bar with white chocolate peanut butter.


These were to be used by May 8th- I know some of you said bars are good for a while after the 'used by' dates, but I am terrified of food poisoning so adhere pretty rigidly to dates on food. I have one more bar to be used ASAP! Do you stick to the dates on food? I usually just make sure I use things up or throw it away, but I hate wasting food and hadn't noticed the dates on these in time- this is living on the edge' for me!

Pull Out An Umbrella? Or, Dance In The Rain?

My mood crashed last night as it does most evenings. I usually wake up feeling more refreshed and energized, but I woke up feeling like there was a cloud hanging over my head. I wanted to force it away, to 'pull myself together' and get on with what I had planned for the day but I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that seems to have taken over my brain during the night. Nothing is really 'wrong'- I just feel down. It's hard when there is no trigger for an emotion- you can' rationalise it or think it through. It's just THERE, permeating every breath, every muscle, every thought, every moment.

My normal way to handle this would be to exercise- walk until I was too tired to think or feel anymore. Bury my head in notepads making meal plans and force my brain to focus on micro nutrients rather than face up to how bad I felt.

I didn't do either today. I went for a walk, taking my cloud with me. We explored a new area of town and bought a jar of peanut butter (finally found PB and Co again!). We went to TK Max to look for a spring jacket. We had a long shower and cleaned the apartment. Me and the cloud. It's still there. I still feel sad. But I'm just accepting that for now, this cloud is present. I don't have to run away from it or block it out- I can just see it for what it is, and wait for it to move on.

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Some food?

I couldn't resist buying these when I saw them the other day in the store.


Sausage rolls (do you guys call them something else?) always remind me of picnics and birthday parties when I was really little. I didn't know if I'd still like them, but they were delicious and a nice trip down memory lane.


With roasted asparagus and steamed green beans. Still no luck hunting down Amy's meals, but Quorn products are quickly becoming a staple in my diet.

Breakfast was cheesecake mashed/melted banana mixed with bran flakes and Fage cherry twin pot, mixed together and soaked overnight. I KNOW it looks gross, but trust me- it's AMAZING!


Snack:


Served warm... I like the cinnamon roll flavour much better, but there is something awesome about the texture of these bars. It's kind of like a half-baked cookie and so fun to eat!

Happy Hump Day everyone! (Nobody in the UK says 'hump day' and my mom always thinks I am being rude, haha...)

Out With The Old, and In With...???

I think what has triggered the past few days descent into depression has been the commitment I made to maintaining my weight. My thoughts aren't so wrapped up in what/when I am going to eat and instead of numbing everything out, the old feelings of anger/pain have resurfaced. Having ruled out the option of numbing them out through restricting/exercising, I need to find new ways to face them and deal with them- or at least manage them and ride them out and hope that they dissipate. It may just be my perception of them rather than the fact that they are as horrible as they appear to be.

I pulled out my old DBT manual to get some help with this and flicked to the section on "reducing vulnerability to negative emotions". DBT is becoming a lot more widely used in the treatment of eating disorders and I find a lot of it really helpful- what I struggle with is using/practicing the skills when I am in a 'good' frame of mind because I don't see the point- then when a crisis hits, I don't have the skills to fall back on.

Anyway, the section on stabilising emotions is pretty basic stuff in theory:-

• Treat physical illness: take care of your body. See a doctor when necessary. Take prescribed medication
• Balance eating: don't eat too much or too little. Stay away from foods that make you feel overly emotional.
• Avoid mood-altering drugs: Stay off non-prescribed drugs, including alcohol.
• Balance sleep: try to get the amount of sleep that helps you feel good. Keep to a sleep program if you are having trouble sleeping.
• Get exercise: Do some sort of exercise every day- try to build up to 20 minutes of vigorous exercise.
• Build Mastery: Do one thing a day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

These were NOT written for people with eating disorders so my adaptation of the food/exercise ones are a little different- I am definitely noticing a difference after eating certain foods in terms of energy/mood so that's a learning curve for me, and exercise is something I struggle to do in moderation but it's important for me to remember that too much is no better than too little. Balancing my intake is a work in progress but I am definitely making progress with that. I don't use alcohol or drugs but I am cutting back on my caffeine intake to avoid the energy/mood highs and lows that accompany high levels of caffeine.

On to 'mastery'. NOTHING makes me feel as good as going to bed at night feeling like I have accomplished something during the day. For years that has been very much tied into food/weight/exercise/anorexia, and is probably a huge part of the reason why I have clung to those behaviours. My voluntary job is helping, but that's only a couple of days a week. I struggle to think of things I could possibly be good at or what would be quite as satisfying as losing weight, but I need to keep reminding myself that there is NOTHING to be proud of about destroying my body. I think what's been a painful realisation the last few months is that I don't get satisfaction from that anymore. What has been such a 'purpose' for me for the last 14 years is now just an embarrassment- so I am left with the question of what WILL make me feel like I have accomplished something during the day? What is rewarding/satisfying in a healthy way for me? I think this is something a lot of people with eating disorders probably struggle with in recovery-finding something to replace what their eating disorder gave them. That's different for everyone and it's certainly a whole bunch of things for me, but one of them is definitely the feeling that it's something I am 'good' at. However maladaptive/ineffective a coping skill it WAS, it did originally serve a pupose. Not helping is the fact that I don't have a whole lot else to fall back on except my ability to lose weight. But I don't want to pursue that anymore because 1) it's boring, 2) it's not helping me feel any better anymore and 3) I want more out of life. So yeah...back to original question: how do I find things that make me feel good about myself that aren't about losing weight or exercise?..

I do have some pictures today... I am finding it really helpful to be taking photos- it kind of gives a bit extra motivation to branch out and eat different things. If it stops being helpful, I'll stop taking pictures, but for now...it's all good.

The sun is shining today (YAY!) so I made my usual lunch which I've never posted before because I have it several times a week...

Bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts topped with a mix of tuna, rice, kidney beans and salsa. Okay, a week late to pass off as a 'Cinco De Mayo' meal, but everything gets to the UK later so it's all good :P

Best snack ever:

Fage with Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Words can't describe quite how much I LOVE this granola... Thanks again, Sam!

Question: does anyone in real life know about your blog? Both my parents know about it and I know my dad reads occasionally (HI DAD!) but none of the rest of my family do.

When All Is Said And Done

It hit me after writing yesterday's letter and reading your responses quite how much contempt I have for myself. I don't know if it's been festering beneath the surface for a while, or if this is a new feeling, but I am so full of rage towards myself right now. I feel like a parasite, a toxic pathetic excuse for a "human being". All evening yesterday and all day today, I keep replaying 'videos' in my mind of the last few years- the things I've done, the things I've said, the people I've hurt. I look back and take no pride in any accomplishments or achievements- I see failure after failure, loss after loss, screw-up after screw-up.

There is definitely something to be said for looking backwards and learning from past mistakes- there also comes a time when you need to stop dwelling on what's BEEN done, forgive yourself on some level, and move on. Punishing myself isn't getting me anywhere- if anything, it's adding fuel to the fire and adding to the list of 'reasons why I suck'. It's hard to know where to draw that line between tough love and self-compassion.

I am human. I've messed up. On a lot of levels. I've hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of harm and damage to myself and those around me. I can't go back and change things- I don't know if I'll ever let go completely of the regret for everything that's gone on over the last years. The time and money wasted, the people I have rejected, the pain I have inflicted. I don't think I will ever be completely at peace with myself knowing what I've done.

Forgiveness does not come easily to me. I store things away in the back of my mind, forgetting the events themselves and am left with feelings/urges that 'feel' like they come from out of nowhere, when the reality is they are my way of channeling the rage and self-hatred I have for myself.

How do you move beyond regret and start living for the present and the future? How do you forgive yourself for doing, what in your own eyes, is unforgiveable?

I NEED to figure this out- what I wrote yesterday still stands. Maybe my anger is not quite at myself and more at what my eating disorder has done, but I have to find a way to move past this and be more compassionate and caring towards myself. Dying of anorexia does not scare me- what scares me is the thought of living with anorexia for the next 10/20/30 years, repeating the same mistakes, stuck in the same cycles. As long as I dwell on what I can't go back and change, I'm never going to break free...

I Want To Help

I was blown away by the responses to yesterday's post- thank you SO much for your support with this. I'm sorry that so many of you could identify with the issues touched upon... It's so heartbreaking to be on the "other side" and be able to do so little to 'help' someone who is in so much pain.

It has never really occurred to me before that I could use my own experiences to help other people. I always wanted to leave it behind and move on, and never really have to think about it or face it again. Somehow the thought of seeing my own behaviours/thoughts/feelings mirrored in somebody else once I am completely well has not been of interest to me. I want to write a book one day for my own 'closure' on this period in my life. A nice story with a beginning, a middle and an end. Tie it up in a neat bound package and stash it away- on paper and no longer invading my everyday moves.

I started thinking more about this last night- how strongly I feel about people in distress getting the care and support they deserve. How I want so desperately to be somebody to talk to who "gets it" when so many treatment providers learned all they know from textbooks and lectures. I feel like I WANT to reach out and help in any way that I can. I don't quite know how. I don't want to train as a nurse or a counsellor because immediately I then change from being a peer/survivor, to being a distant professional and I think, for me, what has helped most has been talking to people who have been where I have and made it over to 'the other side'. Not because I particularly want to spend the rest of my life rehashing what has been a hellish period for me, but because I want to try and help others come out of it the way I hope to.

I'd still love to write a book one day but with more than just a, "then I lived happily ever after". i want it to show the whole journey- from where I was to where I am and how it happened for ME. No two people travel the same journey but we meet similar bumps in the road, get caught in similar thunderstorms, fall down similar wells and I'd hope that others can relate to at least parts of my story and gain some inspiration from it.

Kind of jumping ahead of myself here- I''m nowhere near the point of being in a position to do much more than say, "I understand and I care" right now. This feels important to me now though. I don't want to be seen as someone who was sick/dysfunctional/depressed/anorexic: I want to be seen as someone who MADE IT THROUGH and offer support and strength to anyone willing to listen. I don't want to preach and sing some cheesy "recovery ra-ra" song- I want to be honest about what I went through and show that it can be done. More of a "this is my story- tell me yours, tell me what you need, tell me how I can help" approach.

This is the first time I've really thought about it and it's made me feel like I have some sort of purpose transcending my own recovery. A chance to help someone else. If I can make just one person believe that suicide is not their ONLY option, then it would have been worth it. I mean that. I can't even put into words quite how passionate I am about this, but seeing/feeling what me and my friends have gone through over the last few months with so many lives lost...it's really knocked me for 6 and jolted me into this compulsion to reach out and do whatever I can to help

I set up a group on Facebook last night to put together lists of helplines, books, etc that might help people in crisis. If you ARE on facebook, please join and spread the word.

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Onto some fabulous food... (because food is an important part of a balanced diet!)

Today's breakfast:

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage cherry twin pot. A.K.A. banana cherry cheesecake. I am developing a slight obsession with these twin pots- I usually eat the plain Fage, but these are great...dessert for breakfast? Count me in!

New lunch!

Curried chicken salad (with raisins and dried apricots in it- amazing!), spinach and tomato on wholewheat roll. This was messy to eat, but tasted good- even after I ended up dropping half of it on my lap. Oops...laundry time!

I have a horrible cold so my appetite has been non-existant today. I think my body needs proper nutrition regardless in order to fight this off so am pushing through. Not sure if I am going to work tomorrow- I don't think that coughing and sneezing all over the switchboard and shared headset will go down well! Meanwhile, drinking lots of cups of tea, staying bundled up and resting.

Hope everyone is having a great week, and for those of you stressed with finals, etc- it's almost OVER! Thinking of you all!

Conflict

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

The Amazing Healing Power Of Sleep

I woke up feeling much better today. Never underestimate the healing powers of sleep (+ proper food!). I am always amazed by the impact physical state has on emotional state- anyone else noticed this? When I am getting adequate nutrition and rest, my thoughts are so much clearer and mood so much brighter. It's a vicious cycle when I start restricting because inevitably my sleep patterns become more disrupted leading to deeper depression/fuzzier thinking leading to falling back into old coping skills (more restricting)...it's definitely something that is easier to prevent in the first place than pull myself out of!

Work induction went well. Everyone seems really nice and am all set to start next week. There are a couple new projects starting up so it's going to be really busy- I'll just be there one morning a week initially doing admin work, then I'll increase my hours and be working more in the marketing/PR department.

In EXCITING NEWS (!), I am planning my trip to New York and can't WAIT. I am beyond excited. Dates yet to be confirmed, but I'm looking at the last week in August and first two weeks in September. Blogger meet-up anyone?

And some other oh-so-exciting stuff (who am I kidding? :P )-

Breakfast:

Banana oatmeal (oats, vanilla, mashed banana, milk) with frozen raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter. I missed my pumpkin oats- these raspberries were REALLY sour, despite the sweetness of the banana and peanut butter. I think breakfast is my favourite meal of the day- most people I know eat the same stuff for breakfasts most days (cereal and/or toast) but for me it's when I am most creative and try lots of new combinations. I also eat really early (wake up around 5:30, drink coffee then eat) so I am usually calm and the outside world is quiet and peaceful. What's your favourite meal of the day and why?

Snack:

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar spread with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Peanut butter twice in one day? Why not?!

Lunch:

Mexican bean pate and tomato sandwich. A new find! The pate was really good but somewhat unspreadable and stayed in a big slab despite my efforts to mush it around. Tasted great though! I just noticed that almost all my meals today have been BROWN. At least my sour raspberries added a splash of colour if nothing else!

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday so far- weekend is almost here! What have you got planned?

More Than My Emotions

I slept for a total of about 4 hours last night so much of today has been spent in a kind of daze. I'm tired, but not "sleepy" tired- I feel flat, hopeless, sad. Those are my signals that I need rest and it's hard sometimes to see them as signs of being tired rather than taking them at face-value and thinking that I AM hopeless/depressed. I'm just tired. I need to keep reminding myself of that today and make sure I get a decent night's sleep (first day of work tomorrow!) and hold onto the knowledge that I WILL feel much better once I am refreshed.

My dad always says, "don't make any major decisions when you are tired or hungry"- I struggle with this and tend to leap into whatever my emotions lead me to, but not tonight. I'm tired and not going to make any rash or impulsive decisions. Nothing is so urgent it needs dealt with tonight- I declare Wednesday evenings "mid-week weekend"!

I did clean my entire apartment at 5am so at least something productive comes out of insomnia :P

And of course, today has involved food...

Since my pumpkin breakfast cookie was a disaster, I tried something different:


Quaker instant raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I usually like plain oats with my own mix-ins, but this flavour is awesome- I swear it tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled!) topped with mashed banana and Fage. Delicious!

A new (to me) lunch:

Tofu marinaded in BBQ sauce (pan-fried due to oven situation!) with a little cheddar cheese on Arnold's sandwich thin. This was my first time cooking tofu and I loved it! (Though everything tastes good with melted cheese!)

I definitely have a tendency to over-stuff my sandwiches! When I was in New York, I was amazed by how much filling they cram in between two slices of bread. In the UK, a turkey sandwich generally consists of bread, butter, 2 thin slices of turkey and a leaf of limp lettuce. I prefer my NY style sandwiches!

Snack:

I'm not generally a fan of Luna bars- the texture throws me a bit because it's more light/crispy than my usual favourites (Clif, Pureprotein). This flavour tastes like a rice crispie treat though so matches well with the texture.

I just want to say how much strength and motivation I am taking from reading everyone's blogs. I don't always comment, but it's been so helpful to me to read about everyone's journeys with all their ups and downs, share in the peaks and troughs of recovery/life (I read a lot of non-ED blogs). The blogging community has become such a huge part of my life and although this sounds really cheesy, I just wanted to say thank-you!

Pssst...check out the awesome Holey Donut giveaway !

Are We There Yet?

I was discharged from the Intensive Home Treatment Team today- my initial thought was, "does that mean I am fine now?" I don't feel much different to how I did a month ago, 2 months, 3 months ago- but that doesn't mean that how I felt then was "wrong" in some way. Maybe I am already at the place I need to be?

This is all rather confusing. I guess my point is, how do we know if we have recovered or not? I've talked before about recovery, in my head, as being this magical sparkly wonderful happy place. I know that place doesn't exist. Which means I have to define recovery for myself- which makes me wonder if I am already there. I'm not in the same "place" that a lot of people (non-eating disordered/recovered) are, but I don't think I ever WILL be. Because I am not them and my life will be shaped by MY thoughts/feelings/ideas/goals and nobody else's. I haven't achieved my goals in life yet, but hell- I'm 26. I have a lot of time ahead of me to be reaching my goals. That's what life is all about, right? Constantly changing, growing, maturing. There IS no final destination. You just carry on making sense of things as best as you can, accepting the things you don't understand, forming relationships, doing new things/getting better at old things, making mistakes and getting back on your feet. C'est la vie.

This train of thought was prompted not just by my discharge from the IHTT, but also when it struck me how bored I am. Bored of anorexia, YES (my god- how many hours can I obsess over the size of a banana before I realise how freaking DULL it is?!) but also bored of recovery. NOT bored of the idea of recovery, but bored of the grey in between area between sick and well. I'm tired of thinking the same thoughts (whether they are ED/recovery), tired of the same dilemmas/decisions (blueberries or raspberries? distraction or CBT? acceptance or pushing for change?). I am just starting to feel like this is all losing any meaning- none of it seems important right now.

I feel like I did when I was 10- I had osgood schlatters disease (when the muscle in your knee grows faster than the bone) and spent the summer on crutches. I wanted to go to the tennis camp I went to every year. Instead I sat in a bean bag reading for the entire summer...losing myself in stories about people who were out playing hockey, horseback riding, ice skating. I wanted more than ANYTHING to be running around with my friends but my body wasn't co-operating. (My parents did console me by letting me get my ears pierced- thanks guys!)

I kind of feel like this now.

Yet there is nothing concrete/tangible that I can *see* to stop me. Depression, anxiety, ED thoughts- they don't show up on x-rays or scans. There is nothing I can point to and say, "okay- I'll fix this" because I'm not quite sure what is wrong. Or if there even IS something wrong. Which leads me back to my original paragraph.

Maybe this is "normal" after all...

or maybe I just need to believe it's normal because it's driving me insane and I don't know how to fix it

A New Week Already?

Sunday = library closed = no photos today. So sad. I do have some funky eats to show you guys so I'll let the anticipation build (it's really not very exciting at all- now if I could just give bites out through the screen, that would be something...sadly, blogspot barely does spell checks, let alone virtual dinner parties).

It's been a pretty mixed week. I've branched out with my meals/snacks a bit and put things into place so I have more structure next week. Depression and obsessional stuff is lingering in a somewhat maddening way, but I'm trying to act "as if"...kind of doing stuff even if I don't feel like it/would rather board a plane and fly away. I'm sitting still, holding tight and going through the motions of being "okay" even if I don't feel like it.

Is it just me or is this year FLYING by? I can't believe it's almost MAY already! Crazy. I'm so happy that the weather is getting warmer (YAY for lower gas bills :P )

Coming up this week...

• Monday: appointment about starting either a photography or writing course
• Tuesday: therapy
• Wednesday: internet being fixed (WOO!)
• Thursday: induction for volunteering work
• Friday: I am starting my weekend!

Hopefully a week also filled with glorious weather. A girl can dream, right? (The term "global warming" is a little misleading when it comes to Scottish weather!)

And of course, as promised, some new foods (and some old favourites brought back in- why mess with a good thing, right?)

I'm also being discharged from the Home Treatment Team this week. I have been seeing them almost daily since being discharged from hospital so it's going to be an adjusment- they come in the evenings which are my hardest time, and things have been pretty rough the days they haven't come. I'm a little apprehensive about how it's going to go, but I hope that with internet fixed (and hopefully TV soon) I'll be able to fill my time a bit more than just with cleaning/obsessing.

In other news: I have quite a lot of Clif bars at the moment- if anyone wants to do a mini trade (I have a few pumpkin spice clif bars + some British bars, and would love pureprotein bars, sandwich thins or flat-out wraps!) drop me a line!

What Do I Do With All This Space?..

...I'm talking head space here.

If my therapist is right (and she has yet to be wrong- this woman is amazing) then the preoccupation with food is partially to block out depression/anxiety. It is, no doubt, partly related to weight/behaviours (anyone read the Minnesota Study?) , but I think she is right with her idea as to why it's gotten so much worse lately.

I've noticed since the day when I decided I don't need to be so black/white in my thinking about my meal plan, my anxiety has lessened and I am spending far less time thinking about food. Instead, my thoughts have drifted back into a hole of despair and negativity. I honestly don't know what else TO think about.

I have been trying to distract myself with reading (yay chic lit!), music, making collages, but it all feels kind of...meaningless. I am very aware of the fact that I am doing these things, not necessarily because I ENJOY them, but because I know I need to drag my thoughts away from where they will wander if I don't make a conscious effort to direct them somewhere.

I don't want to spend my life feeling like I am just going through motions to kill time so I don't go insane. I've written before about how I do things 100%- whether it's my eating disorder or work, it's very much full-on 'don't-think-don't-feel' mode.

Maybe this is normal? I have no idea. I don't KNOW what people think about on a day-to-day basis. I have ideas about how they fill their time, but just little things...waiting for the bus, standing in line in a store. What are they thinking about? I'm not asking because I'm nosy- I just can't seem to even contemplate the idea that there ARE things worth thinking about other than food/weight.

I take away the eating disorder thoughts, the depression thoughts...then what? My mind goes completely blank...

Who To Trust?

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

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The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

• go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
• ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
• be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

Hard Travellin'

I woke up at 5 am this morning, and proceeded with my routine:

1. take vitamins
2. turn computer on
3. weigh myself
4. boil kettle
5. smoke cigarette
6. make coffee and drink whilst reading 3 specific blogs
7. eat breakfast
8. prepare food for dinner
9. smoke another cigarette

All of that went the same as it does pretty much any other day. 15 minutes later, I was huddled up against the wall, the floor around me scattered with paper, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt like my brain was literally being hacked into a thousand little pieces. I kind of lost track of time amidst crying/writing/calculating/smoking. Needless to say, by 7am I had worked myself up into quite a state. I threw on the clothes I wore yesterday, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.

More time was lost.

Somewhere along my walk I decided I should buy pasta sauce. Not just ANY pasta sauce, but a single serving of plain tomato pasta sauce. I had remembered that I had 1 portion of tortellini in the freezer and suddenly decided that it would make a perfect dinner for tomorrow. I went into about 4 different supermarkets- in each one, I found the sauce and waited in line to pay. When it was my turn, I left the queue, put the sauce back on the shelf and darted out the store with thoughts literally crashing around in my head. I cranked the volume up on my iPod and carried on walking. With hundreds of reasons to BUY the sauce and eat pasta tomorrow, and hundreds of reasons NOT to.

I don't know why this is such a bug deal. It's one meal- my dinner is the exact same thing every night at the moment and ONE night of something different is not going to have any dramatic effect on my weight, my life, the world. Yet it felt like a HUGE deal to even be contemplating eating something different. Even if the "different" thing was a regular feature in my diet 6 weeks ago.

I went back and forth in my head about last night's post- old plan, new plan, scrap the plan...fruitarian? vegan? high protein? sodium? fibre? money? I couldn't step back and see the wood for the trees. I vaguely remember sending panicky texts to my mom, then ignoring my phone when she tried to call. I remember listening to Pete Seeger singing "Hard Travelling" at full blast. I eventually answered my phone, but when my mom started to get frustrated and yelling, the noise was too much combined with the noise in my head and I hung up.

Walking, smoking, walking, smoking.

Then it hit me. I don't NEED to give up my old plan, and I don't need to leap straight into the new plan. I can gradually work towards the new plan over the coming weeks- slowly phase out my "safe" foods whilst reintroducing new ones. It seems so damn obvious now. It's only taken me 4 days to realise that it doesn't HAVE to be so black and white/all or nothing.

I feel really stupid now.

I bought the pasta sauce, came home, tidied up the masses of paper around my apartment- pulled out a new notebook and planned the next couple of weeks out. They make sense. Suddenly my world stopped spinning wildly, my heart stopped pounding and I sat on the sofa staring out the window for over an hour. Just silent, sitting, breathing.

I started having thoughts of why I need to change the plan I have right now- why it even MATTERS even more. I feel like for years I had all these great motivating goals- as time has gone by and my recovery has been up and down, I've tried out all these goals. None of them worked out or felt as good as I hoped they would. I don't really have any concrete reason to change things, to keep working towards recovery, to keep fighting the anorexic voice in my head.

Nothing 'concrete' like a specific thing I want to be able to do (move to New York, dance, etc).

I do however have this: if the sheer hell of the past few days has been caused by anorexia, then that is reason enough for me to want to break free from this once and for all.

A Brain, Obsessed

I have mentioned a few times about how my eating is fairly repetitive- part of why I don't post pictures more frequently is because my lunches and dinners tend to be the same every day. I haven't been in this habit for a really long time (several years)- sure, I have gone through phases where certain foods make a more regular appearance, but since I was 19 (worst stage of my ED- basically was eating exactly the same foods every day which gradually got cut back as I ran out/stores weren't stocking the *exact* size/shape/brand I 'needed') I have made a VERY concerted effort to have some variety in there...

This has taken different forms over the years- from times where I would rotate the same two dinners, to times in New York when I ate out almost every meal and tried several new things every single day. For the most part, it's been somewhere in between- having food/meals that I eat a few times a week, but trying new things a few times a week.

Since moving into my apartment almost 6 weeks ago, I have pretty much stuck to a "weekly schedule". I have a few breakfasts I rotate, flexibility around snacks (within certain limits/criteria) but my lunches and dinners have been exactly the same. Aside from 1 allotted meal a week that I have something "new", though the past 3 weeks this "new" meal has just been repeated.

Obviously this is problematic. I can't go over to my mom's house for dinner, can't even contemplate the notion of a trip to NY right now...am bored to tears at the thought of eating this same thing one.more.time.

I decided on Wednesday night that I was going to switch things up and reintroduce some of my old fall-back meals into my diet. I ended up spending almost 3 hours writing lists, doing calculations, racking my brains for combinations that met criteria for meals in a healthy sense whilst being "safe" in an ED sense (note to self: the 2 aren't compatible). I sat, curled up on my sofa with 3 notepads, a calculator, old food diaries. Eventually I planned a week's worth of meals that I felt okay with. It was a rather awesome moment- a true "EUREKA", as if I had found the answer to world peace. I went to bed happy and relaxed- only to wake up a couple of hours later FREAKING out because I suddenly realised there were major flaws in my plan. Because god forbid I should be so daring as to get my protein from cottage cheese rather than yogurt, or tofu rather than tuna. I honestly feel like my world is held together by the exact breakdown of my nutritional intake- obviously I know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

So, I curled up on the sofa once again- notepads, calculator, etc, and got back to work.

I must have done this at least 10 times since Wednesday night. Suddenly nothing feels safe, nothing seems to make sense. Laws of science and nutrition, never mind LOGIC don't apply. The foods I DO eat were selected for a very particular reason (coincidentally, one of my meals happens to be the exact same meal I ate when i was 19), and to change it feels so incredibly overwhelming and threatening. So much information conflicting in my brain- everything I have ever read about nutrition/diet (eat soy/don't eat soy, eat dairy/don't eat dairy. eat healthy fats/avoid any fat, vegetarian? vegan? raw? nooooooooo!)

I'm trying to fight these thoughts with just plain common sense. I was eating different foods for 7 years with no major trauma. It's not physically possible to gain 10lbs overnight just by eating a different dinner. It's OKAY if some meals are a little lower in protein or a little higher in fat- in time, it balances out. I KNOW this on an intellectual level, but as soon as I talk myself round and feel okay with the idea of change, my brain starts throwing up roadblocks and "worst case scenarios" which I can't seem to shake off.

Every time I try to distract myself by reading/watching TV/cleaning, all of a sudden a thought will come into my head (more "EUREKA" moments!) and I have to stop, write it down, analyze it, tear it up, give up, go back to reading/TV/cleaning until 5 minutes later it happens again.

I don't know why I am writing this. I feel ridiculous. My mom and my therapist know I obsess about this stuff, but I've never quite shared the extent to which I worry about it. Or quite to what extent things have gotten to with both my intake and thought processes lately.

I feel like the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind- the horrible depression, followed by 2 days of BLISS, followed by this incapacitating thinking. I'm also wondering if due to the depression/psychotic reaction, I really let my guard down on the ED front and focused on the immediate problem- meanwhile, ED has crept in and oh-so-kindly taken care of the food front.

One part of me thinks I can't continue. The other part is saying, "eh- why not? what does it even matter at this point?" I guess depression is still lurking there too. The part of me lacking the motivation to do anything about this is, admittedly, the part that just wants to say "screw it". The part of me that I can't tell whether is depressed of sensible- the part of me that knows that all the goals I had about moving back to New York, work, etc...just aren't going to happen. So why bother trying to fight through barriers when I don't care if I make it to the other side?

Why?

Well the other part of me thinks that 1) of COURSE New York/work/all that "life" stuff isn't going to be an option in the current situation, but 2) I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION.

I'm just not sure HOW. I am beyond exhausted right now. I've had such good intentions to change my meals over the coming days/weeks and the obsessing over it so much is draining beyond words.

This has been long and jumbled and probably not making much sense so I'll end now. I just wanted to try and put into words where I am at right now.

Hope all of you are enjoying Passover or Easter or whatever you are celebrating this weekend.

Aaaand...HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIME!

Rejoining The Human Race

The past couple of days have been 'different'. I am still experiencing waves of depression, but they are WAVES and in between them, I am experiencing something I don't ever remember feeling before. I don't even know how to describe it.

• peace
• acceptance
• serenity
• bliss
• safe

It's not a manic rush of happiness and elation, but periods of stillness where I feel in tune with my core, at ease with myself and the world around me. I haven't analyzed it too much and neither do I want to. I'm just enjoying these moments, and riding out the waves of depression that come because...what's the alternative? Fighting them doesn't work. Resenting them doesn't work. Lying down and letting them wash over me without struggle seems to be all that I CAN do, but these moments in between when things feel "okay" are making it worth it.

I don't know if this is partly due to me FINALLY taking my therapist's advice and cutting down the amount of diet pills I am taking by half. When I saw her Friday and literally begged for ANYTHING I could do that might change things, this was the one thing that I have managed. And despite my fears that I would turn into a hungry and sleepy zombie, the opposite has come true. I almost feel like I am floating without the jolt of chemicals at 6am. Everything feels less urgent, less frantic, less chaotic. The need to control and organise and be productive 24/7 has subsided and I am happy to just be. To just exist and make the most of each moment, recognising that each moment is a chance to lay the foundations for the next moment, but there is no pressure to think beyond the hours ahead of me.

One step at a time.

I hope this doesn't sound too wacky/crazy. This has definitely been a roller-coaster few weeks and despite the ongoing difficulties I am having with depression, the ride seems to be slowing down. Finally.

Still internet issues going on, but as of next Friday, will have a new service provider so will have free reign to take photos, comment, etc. I can't WAIT! I am going to try to get to the library this week because I do have some photos for you guys :)

Recovery Illusion?

Thank you for the support you gave me with yesterday's post. I'm not ready to think/talk more about it today, but might come back to it at some point.

I want to talk about recovery right now.

Lately, I've been feeling like recovery isn't really more than an illusion. Something people talk about, but nobody really defines- people I *thought* were recovered, I discovered really aren't at all. There struggles may be more under control, but are very much present in their day to day lives.

This raises two questions in my mind:

1) are people, on the whole, just messed up and all have issues?

or,

2) is complete freedom from anorexia really just not possible?

I've generally maintained the idea that a full recovery IS possible for everyone. That's not to say that everyone will recover, but that there is nobody out there who doesn't stand the same chance of being free from this. I built this belief for two reasons: firstly, I need to believe that a 100% recovery is possible. I don't want to contemplate the notion that I may NOT be fully recovered one day (because that leads me to the type of thinking present last week), but also because I thought I had seen it.

I have met a lot of people in treatment over the years- some I knew continued to struggle to a huge extent, some appeared to be doing well, some drifted away and I never heard anything else. I hoped, perhaps naively, that this was a positive sign- that they had moved beyond anorexia completely and didn't want it to be a part of their lives anymore. Some I kept in touch with- I guess it all comes down to a personal definition of what recovery actually is, but after talking more and more to people who consider themselves in recovery, I realise that they are still struggling. Not to the same extent, but they definitely aren't in the place I am striving for.

Which raises another question...

is what I am striving for completely unattainable/unrealistic?..

I have a LOT of respect and admiration for the friends I have who are doing well, and I do NOT want to be construed as knocking their recoveries. It takes a hell of a lot of hard work to get to a point where you are managing things well enough to move beyond this- to break free once and for all though is maybe not realistic. I like to THINK it's going to happen, but I don't feel it on an emotional level. For a myriad of reasons.

I am just trying to climb back into the head space I was in a few weeks ago and am starting to see the connection between my depression and the feeling that this recovery ideal I held in my head falling to pieces. I guess when you put people on pedestals, you are taking the risk that one day they might fall, and then what?..

Reaching Out = Reaching In

I am feeling very disconnected right now and wanted to write in the hope that my thoughts will start to make sense again.

Today is the first day in a while where my thoughts have been entirely focused on food/weight/calories. Literally nothing else has come into my brain- I haven't been able to answer my phone, talk to anyone, do *anything* except obsess about what I'll eat and when and how. Normally days like today drive me insane, but it's been an almost welcome relief today.

Before I continue, I want to say that I am going to be talking pretty openly about suicide/urges/thoughts, so please don't read if this stuff triggers you. I am 100% safe right now but this is my blog and I need to use it to "think".

This week has been rocky to say the least. I am being seen daily by the Home Treatment Team and have been discussing the thoughts and feelings I have been having around suicide. It is something I have tried before, but always in an impulsive way. This time has been thought about, planned, mapped out- details figured out, everything put in order, etc. I also wrote, for the first time, a letter.

I wrote it a few days ago, tucked it away and haven't looked at it since. This evening when the nurses arrived, I spoke about how my focus has shifted today and I'm not quite sure why- perhaps because there was nothing left TO plan/organise, or quite possibly a survival mechanism (things are getting into dangerous territory = switch back to what's familiar/safe/comfortable). They asked to read the note I wrote- I wasn't entirely comfortable with this (is this "okay"? There's no "suicide planning etiquette" handbook). I sat there while one read it and passed it silently to the other. We talked a little about it before the conversation shifted. I made it clear that I am not IN that place tonight...next thing I knew, we were joking around trying to fix my TV.

After they left, I picked up the note to read. I don't really remember writing it. I remember trying to condense the zillion things I had to say into a short space, highlighting things I REALLY wanted people to know/understand, yet knowing that they may never understand and I wouldn't be there for a "question and answer" period.

One sentence jumped out at me:

I'm doing this NOT because I want to die, but because I so
desperately want to LIVE

This pretty much says it all. The depression, despair, anger, frustration- it stems from wanting, so badly, to be a valuable person, a worthwhile member of society, a good friend, a close sister/daughter/niece...and yet feeling like I stay so stuck in the same patterns of doing well for a while before falling flat on my face.

The note doesn't make pleasant reading. It's pretty jumbled with appalling spelling and grammar- there is a sense of urgency in my writing that I don't recognise. Perhaps a reflection on the mindset I was in when I wrote it, but also so desperately wanting to cause minimal pain to my friends and family, explain to the best of my ability why I reached the conclusion I did.

I feel very disconnected right now. Very much *here*, in this present moment and detached from who I was when I wrote the letter.. I want to write a new note. A response to the exhausted, scared and frightened person who wrote the note. Not some Pollyanna-style "things will get better/hang in there/keep fighting" stuff, because as much as that helps at times, right now it doesn't feel enough. I imagine reading this note if someone else left it. I imagine all the things that would jump into my mind that I wish I could have asked them or said or talked to them about. I don't know. Maybe writing a response to my own letter would be helpful?..

Take Hold Of Your Mind

Thank you SO much for the support you all gave me with yesterday's post. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to say, "I've been there too" to make things feel less overwhelming and paralysing.

I had therapy today- was VERY tempted to cancel, but decided that I can't afford to skip sessions right now and I think it's the first time I went, completely willing to be 100% honest and get as much out of my 50 minute session as possible.

I was scared of being labelled as psychotic or crazy, or brushed off as being dramatic or attention-seeking. I've had a pretty rocky relationship with my therapist and have found it hard to adjust to her way of working, but as I have grown accustomed to her methods, I have found it to be more and more helpful. I tend to forget that in the lead-up to appointments and am always pretty wary of how she'll respond to me.

I basically told her exactly what I wrote last night about what's been going on. She said that she thought that life is definitely worth living, but that my current situation is likely contributing to me feeling otherwise. There is great benefits to talking to someone who has known me for a long time, knows my patterns, my history- she thought that perhaps the intrusive thoughts I am having may be serving a similar purpose to that which anorexia provides. Distraction from the very real obstacles (isolation, lack of structure, loneliness, adapting to living on my own). We talked about how I have had similar experiences in the past and I often brushed it off saying, "if only I lived by myself...", thus avoiding doing much about the situation except looking to an external solution.

We also talked about applying DBT to this and how a lot of things I am doing to "cope" are making things a lot worse for me. She set out some very clear goals to hopefully help me right now. I sensed an urgency when she spoke, and almost felt threatened, but I guess it's a good thing that she feels the same way about this not being allowed to continue spiralling.

The first ones are around food and weight. We don't generally discuss this in my sessions- her theory being that I have spent so much time talking about it in treatment and read so much about it that further discussion is pointless. I pretty much agree so was surprised when she stated, point-blank, that I need to get a grip on this. Now. There is no doubt in my mind that she is right, but I'm not sure exactly what to do about my intake right now- what to change/add. I have no doubt that it's necessary, and I am willing to do *anything* at this point to regain some semblance of sanity, but am struggling to keep my intake consistent as it is, never mind add in more food. I've cut down on caffeine and liquids to help with the constant nausea I've had this week (anxiety/depression I am guessing) but not sure how else to manage this. I'll give it some thought (ideas welcome!)

The other one was about taking hold of my mind. I've learned about this in DBT, and basically it involves staying in the present moment and not getting swallowed up my anxieties or memories. Staying in the "here and now"- we talked about grounding techniques and things I can do before I am transported to some other dimension. We also discussed pushing away thoughts and delaying actions- none of the urges I have need to be acted on *immediately*. It's okay to just BE. Put worrying on tomorrow's "to do" list- take each moment as it comes, focus on what is going on around me...the smell of my pot-pourri, the fluffy carpet under my feet, the warm cup of coffee in my hand.

How do you stay in the present moment when your thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour?

Lara left me a great comment on yesterday's post which I wanted to highlight:

I know from experience that sometimes when you really really struggle like this,
you are actually breaking through to a point of healing and getting better. I
hope that is what this is for you- the storm before the sun rises.

I was thinking about this after therapy and think it's definitely true. Like I said, it was the first time I went into a session ready and willing to take on board WHATEVER advice my therapist had to offer.

Here's to a great weekend!

If You're Asking To Be Saved, You Must Learn How To Kneel

I'm still struggling to put into words what I'm thinking/feeling right now. I'm swinging between sheer despair, and complete numbness. My days and nights seem to be merging into one grey blurry mess and I've spent much of the last few days sitting on my sofa, staring into space.

This evening I started to realise that a lot of this is anger. Anger is something I don't generally acknowledge, let alone express. I don't like to judge feelings as "good" or "bad", but anger just feels so wrong, so unjustified. Stemming from misunderstanding, judgment, frustration. I see "anger" as an umbrella-term for lots of feelings that I don't want to be having.

I am angry right now though, and am sitting here getting more and more angry as I resent the anger itself. A lot of my thoughts the past few days have been sheer frustration at this cloud hanging over my head, wishing it would just float away as easily as it appeared. Wanting answers, resolutions- ANYTHING that would make this somehow make some sort of sense to me.

I'm adding fuel to my own fire- I know better than this. I've read the books, sat in therapy sessions, own piles and piles of handouts labelled "Distress Tolerance" and "Coping Skills". I know better than to sit and ruminate, thinking about what went wrong and where and why.

Random thoughts and bizarre memories are popping into my head in a very surreal movie-type way, triggering me to either burst into tears or burst out laughing. I feel like I have lost complete control over my own mind, and as a self-confessed control freak, this doesn't sit well with me.

I'm trying to hold onto whatever positivity and strength I can find. Trying to be patient with myself and my emotions, trying to foster some kind of attitude of compassion with myself- but at the same time, not quite sure where the line lies between "nurturing" and "wallowing".

I am doing really out of character things and then forgetting all about it- I went out to buy batteries today and came home with 2 donuts. I don't think I have ever bought donuts in my life- I don't know if I even LIKE donuts, but they are sitting in a box in my fridge. I've spent hours making lists of really random things, only to throw them away because I forget what the purpose of the list was in the beginning. I'm staying up later, sleeping later- then waking up panicking about being late, when I don't have anywhere to go. I have strange flashbacks of being in New York, then "come around" 2 hours later confused and disorientated.

I'm not sure what is going on or why, all of a sudden now, my brain seems to be short-circuiting. I'm writing this not because I particularly want it out there for the whole world to be able to see, but in the hope that one day I'll read it back and it will be nothing more than just another piece in my jigsaw.

For now though, I am scared.

Feed Me Sane

I can't but think that there is a direct link between my food intake and me mental state (DOH!). For various reasons, my intake has become rather repetitive. Part of this is the reason behind last week's endoscopy (I have scar tissue in my esophagus which makes solid food more than a little uncomfortable to eat) but partly due to sheer habit/OCD/rigidity- it seems a pattern when I have free reign over my food with nobody to be accountable to, that I fall into the habit of eating the same "safe" foods day in, day out. Without a conscious effort to eat something new/different, I end up eating the same meals endlessly. The longer I DO this, the higher the chance of my intake dwindling- it becomes such a habit to eat exactly XXX for lunch, that it is just too tempting to start cutting corners here and there.

I haven't cut corners much at this point, but I have noticed a HUGE difference in both my energy levels and mood over the last month when I moved into my apartment and am wondering if the sheer monotony of my diet is playing a role- my food choices are not 'unhealthy' per se, but I know enough about nutrition to know that eating the level of intake I do each day makes it hard enough to cover nutritional bases, without the added kicker of having the exact same foods each day.

I kind of want to avoid talking too much about food itself because this isn't a food blog, but I think it's important for me to start actually looking at EVERY aspect of what's going on right now and trying to figure out this cloud of depression. Whilst at the same time not brushing it off as purely diet-related when it could be a multitude of things.

But, back to food.

It doesn't matter to me how it tastes or what form it takes- if it meets the criteria that my ED'd brain says is "safe", I eat it. Carbohydrates I eat in the form of whole grains because I am terrified that without carbohydrates, my serotonin levels will drop and lead to binging. It's all very black and white, classroom-style...and it's boring as hell. Food isn't enjoyed- it's mapped out, almost "prescribed"- set times, set calories, set protein levels, set portions of XYZ. All with very specific purposes in mind. And it's worked- I haven't had a major medical crisis since working with the "damage control" therapy. I haven't really moved beyond that approach either (though that was never their goal). My brain hones in on certain nutrients (protein and fiber) for day-to-day comfort/satiety, whilst ignoring longer-term health impacts of a well-rounded diet (hello phytochemicals, antioxidants, EFA'S!)

Why is this relevant?..

Because it's starting to really impact on my life. No, no major medical crisis, but I guess after several years of subtly depriving your body, it starts to fight back. Bodies aren't designed to have *just* enough to tick along from day to day, and life demands more than just having the energy to get up and dressed. A nourished brain can do amazing things- a starving brain struggles to make sense of the world, of people's words, of rationalising, thinking, hoping, dreaming.

I have been ignoring this for the last couple of weeks, and it hasn't been until today when I realised quite how tired I have been lately that I started to wonder. I could well be barking up the wrong tree. The energy levels, nausea, etc could be an effect of a very real depression, but I know from experience that when I am eating more variety and a higher intake, there is a dramatic difference in how I think and feel.

Food for thought (or just needing some food for my thoughts).

What things do you eat that are truly enjoyable for you?

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Something else I wanted to write about. I've been blogging daily for a while, and since I was admitted to hospital, it's kind of taken a back seat. A huge part of this has been due to the depression thing. But also because I am now working with the "Intensive Home Treatment Team" so I can be at my apartment, rather than in hospital right now. They visit me at home each evening (sometimes 2-3 times a day) so that is taking a huge chunk of my energy and time. I also feel really ungrateful because I'm not sure it's helping. I don't know. I am in such a "funk" and I just want to slap myself and say, "snap out of it" but I can't seem to shake this cloud over my head. I haven't felt like writing lately- not because I don't want to WRITE, but because I really want to keep my blog both honest and recovery-focused, and right now am finding it hard to do both at once. Hospital is being discussed because I've been struggling to make use of the treatment and they are concerned about where things are leading. I want this home treatment to work out and am so frustrated with myself right now- they come and they are GREAT but it's like there is this wall between me and them. They make suggestions about things to do or try and my brain just screams, "what's the point? what does it matter if I do a pottery class? it's all a waste of time". I am, of course, perfectly aware that a pottery class would be a pretty damn good start at 1) getting me out my head for a couple hours a week, 2) giving me *some* kind of focus other than food/depression, 3) would be a great stepping stone to then moving on to do something a couple days a week (volunteering, school, etc) but right now it just feels beyond overwhelming to even take a shower, never mind go out and be sociable/productive.
I guess all I can say about this is that I am being as honest as I can be, and trying to just hold on. I want to say that I've never felt like this before, but I think I have- it's just hard *right now* to see beyond the current waves and see that I can get through this somehow.

What helps you feel better when you are feeling hopeless?

Again, apologies for lack of comments. My internet will be sorted on Friday. YAY!