Intuition Knocking At The Door

Kath posted her thoughts on the book Intuitive Eating and it's gotten me thinking about where I am with that. I, like a lot of people with eating disorders, really struggle to listen to my body and know when I need to eat, what I *want* to eat (versus what anorexia wants). I am fascinated by the concept of intuitive eating. I watch little kids eating- pushing away their plates when they have had enough, asking for food when their body is hungry, knowing what tastes good to them at that moment.

I was brought up in a pretty strict household when it came to food/meals. We ate dinner together with pressure to clean our plates ("what you don't eat will be breakfast tomorrow"), desserts and treats were rare, what my parents deemed as "junk food" rarely made an appearance in our house. I don't know whether I should be grateful for this, or whether I agree with this. I don't think it had any major impact on me or my eating disorder, but I guess I never really got a chance to be intuitive and listen to my body.

Since I developed anorexia, I have become increasingly rigid around what I will/won't eat. Certain foods trigger certain memories/feelings- not all "bad" (there are foods I won't eat simply because it reminds me of my lowest points), and treatment has helped somewhat in widening the variety in my diet, though also contributing on some level to the structure I maintain around meals (ie, we ate set amounts at set times, were encouraged to stick to meal plans when we left and branching away from our set plans wasn't allowed). I have improved a lot with this- the last inpatient treatment I was in didn't adhere to a rigid meal plan- it worked by calories, not exchanges, so allowed a little more flexibility. We had rough guidelines but were encouraged to really break out of our comfort zones, try new foods, face "fear foods" head on and discover what we enjoyed eating.

So where does this leave me?..

I still follow a pretty set plan of times I eat, types of food I eat. I've improved, but am in no way an "intuitive eater". I guess I am confused about when is a good time to try being more flexible. I am not in a place physically where I can afford to lose any weight, my current intake is adequate for maintenance, though only just. I guess the pitfall of breaking away from a meal plan is the risk of being too tuned into what anorexia is saying, as opposed to being in tune with what the real *me* wants.

Has anyone got advice about this? Has anyone successfully transitioned from a meal plan to a more intuitive way of eating?

My biggest fear is that I'll suddenly want to eat anything/everything. I honestly don't know if I am hungry or full- I eat according to the clock, and I eat the amount I planned. I've started switching things up a little (ie, 3pm rolls around and I decide I'd rather have granola + yogurt than a protein bar) but beyond that, I don't know when is a good time to start experimenting.