Wait! Let Me Explain...

Oy vey, is it just me or are weekends too short?


One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood- or rather, being judged unfairly without having a chance to explain myself properly. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me- one part of me says, "who CARES what people are thinking?" but the other part really does care. A lot. Everything I do, I feel a need to explain in detail, to rationalise, to justify. Part of this is justifying things to myself- I judge myself more harshly than possibly anyone else judges me. I have been finding more and more that I am second-guessing every choice I make, trying to find a reason behind it (why am I picking tuna for lunch? why did I eat an apple and not a banana? why did I buy that brand of toothpaste?) Everything needs to have a valid reason and method to it. It's not enough for me to just say, "I put granola in my yogurt because I wanted to"- I feel like I need to approach it scientifically and explain it further ("I needed some carbs/fat/extra calories to make up for a lighter dinner/blahblah"). When did it get so complicated? Why is it not just enough to go with the flow and do what *I* want without fear that I'll have stones thrown at me?!

I started writing this thinking more about my fear of being judged by other people- though the more I think about it and the more I write, I think that my biggest fear is the criticism I dole out to myself. The guilt, the risk that something might go wrong, the relentless pursuit of my elusive dream of 'perfection'.

"It is easy to protect the body from poisoned arrows, but impossible to shield the body from the poisoned darts that originate within itself"

I need to work on chilling the heck out fostering a more compassionate attitude towards myself. To find a balance between caring what others think of me, but also accepting that their opinions and judgements are based on their own ideas and opinions and not necessarily factual. And most importantly, to ease up on myself. I keep talking about this but it's an ongoing struggle to let go of the idea that I need to be a certain way/do things perfectly for fear of what might happen if I loosen the reigns, and trust that I am 'okay' just as I am...

"Sometimes the only means of transport available is a leap of faith"

In other news:

I am 95% sure that I am going to be moving over to Wordpress. I've set up a blog and am ironing out the kinks and trying to figure it out- it's not as user-friendly as Blogspot, but I think the change will be worth it. Has anyone who has made the transfer found 1) a way to set up my blogroll to either be in order of most recently updated like this blog, or 2) is there any way I can automatically redirect people who go to old site to new one?

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For breakfast I made 'Sunshine Cheesecake' again in an attempt to combat the grey sky I woke up to.


Just as good the second time around (that's what she said!) I feel like this tastes too dessert-like to be a 'healthy' breakfast.

There was a Clif bar consumed...

Maple nut- hands down, my all-time favourite flavour. I love anything maple flavoured. When I was growing up, we only ever had real maple syrup if we had pancakes- it wasn't until I was in New York when I was 22 that I was introduced to 'pancake syrup'. What IS that stuff? Is it supposed to taste like maple syrup? I like it (hello, sweet and sog-inducing?) but...eh? Real maple. All the way.

Aaaaaand, a fiesta salad (soon to be followed by a siesta- I got up at 4am!)

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and a rather generous scoop of salsa on a bed of sprouts and spinach.

Question: what do you like on pancakes/waffles? Maple syrup? Pancake syrup? Jam? Yogurt? Fruit? It's rare that I eat them, but when I do, I'd take real maple if I had the choice. Though when I was in France, the crepes with banana and nutella were amazing!

Rising To The Challenge!

After I left treatment in New York and was living in the city, I ate out several times a week. My schedule was hectic between a day program, work and school and it was just impractical to go home and eat all my meals- I was busy and I loved it. Despite my ups and downs since then (2007) my visits to restaurants got far less frequent, but I still did it. Gradually it dwindled down to a very small handful of restaurants that I felt 'comfortable' eating in. Not because they offered particular foods, but I knew what to expect, what things looked like and could reassure myself by remembering that I had eaten there several times before.

It's been 7 months since I last ate in a restaurant. 7 months since I've eaten a meal that wasn't completely prepared by myself, calculated to the exact calorie. Tonight I am meeting up with another Edinburgh blogger for dinner and I am REALLY excited. Usually I need weeks to plan for this so it's all been a kind of 'last minute' thing (to me!). I haven't spent hours agonising over the menu or worrying- I have surprised myself by quite how calm I am about it. It's hard for me to even eat something different at home, never mind go out and hand over control to a chef I've never met. I am anxious- there are a lot of challenges for me this evening. Going out and breaking out of my routine is one, unknown food is a second, meeting someone new is a third. I haven't even contemplated the idea of cancelling- again, NOT like me (I can be such a flake in situations like this!)

I guess the difference is that I am excited to face something new and something different, rather than focusing on what could go wrong or the fear aspect. Sometimes just tilting your head a little and looking at a situation from a slightly different angle is all it takes to shed a whole new light on something...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

- Mother Teresa

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My meals so far today have been ugly, but delicious!

Breakfast, after boiling water on the hob to make coffee (I feel like I am camping- need a new kettle!)

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shreddies and peanut butter. Honey and peanut butter are such a perfect pair :)

Snack involved no chocolate!

Fage with muesli. I am so obsessed with yogurt at the moment- it's so versatile and delicious. I don't like it by itself, but mixed with fruit/cereal is such a great snack.

Lunch was inspired by a conversation about pot-lucks and pasta salad with Janetha...

Tuna pasta salad on a mound of spinach- and yes, that would be ketchup hiding under there... I tried to hide it, but my camera was NOT playing along. *sigh*

2 questions for today!

1. what is your favourite thing to pair with peanut butter?
2. what is your favourite thing to mix into yoghurt?

Hope everyone's Thursday is going well- will be recapping tonight's shenanigans tomorrow! Wish me luck! (Alice might need some luck too for putting up with me...hehe)

Do It In Style!

Sometimes it takes me several hours to put a post together. I have a lot of days where nothing I write seems to make sense and I can't put my thoughts into any kind of coherent sentence. Finally, I click the 'publish' button only to come back and edit, time after time after time. I see flaws in my writing- spelling, grammar, punctuation. I worry about who is reading and what they will think of me or how they will interpret what I have written.

I worry about which 'niche' my blog falls into or where it fits into 'blogosphere'. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't HAVE to fit into any particular niche- if somebody asked me what my blog was about, I wouldn't have an answer. It's about me- sleeping, eating and everything that goes on inbetween. Thoughts, actions, ideas... There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' way for a blog to take shape- that's what makes them so special and unique. I could spend my whole life trying desperately to fit in to any one particular crowd, or I could step into an empty space and claim it as my own.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how people see me or what they think or me. My mistakes are amplified in my head to be huge disasters, when really...people, for the most part, have their own stuff going on that is far more important than if somebody has used the same word twice in one sentence. Yet still, I panic. Egocentric? Neurotic? Perfectionist? Likely a combination of all three. I don't know what would happen if I stopped caring so much- what thoughts would fill that space. Whether I would go back to fretting over food and calories, or whether the time and energy would be channelled towards something productive. Whenever I drag my thoughts away from the 'obsession of the day', another one seems to creep in which is equally problematic.

I remember when I was much younger and waiting to be called up for my turn in a music competition. I was crying because I was so convinced that I was going to mess up and make a fool of myself. My music teacher kneeled down, looked me in the eye and said, "go out there and give it ALL you've got- go right ahead and make mistakes...but do it with confidence, do it like you mean it and nobody is likely to pick up on it". I did go out there, I did make mistakes, but I kept on playing. Rocking it out (well, as much 'rocking' as you can do playing traditional Scottish music on a harp) and I came home with a gold medal.

Moral of today's ramblings: go out into the world and give it all you've got. Mistakes aren't what make you different from everybody else- they are what make you exactly LIKE everyone else. Nobody is perfect, despite how they may appear on the surface. So screw-up, pick yourself up and start all over again. Just make sure you give it your best shot and if you fall flat on your face, at least pretend that you meant to do it that way. A little self-confidence goes a long way when it comes to "faking it till you make it".

Speaking of 'going out with a bang', my KETTLE EXPLODED last night. I turned it on to make a cup of tea, and there were sparks, weird noises and a huge 'BOOM', before all the power went out in my apartment. What did I do first? What ANY blogger would do- grabbed a camera...haha.

You know you are addicted to blogging when... ;)

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Some food highlights from today, after I fixed the power last night. Just call me the 'DIY Diva'.

I woke up at 6am which is LATE for me.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with peanut butter. Eaten cold.

Are there things you eat cold that most people would eat hot (or vice versa)? All of my food is eaten cold- I cook most of my things the day before and leave it in the fridge. I always LOVED eating cold leftovers when I was younger, so now I just skip straight over the 'first time' and go straight for the 'leftover' aspect!

Chocolate fix...

Glenny's brownie spread with white chocolate peanut butter. Yes, it was as good as it looked :) I never ate peanut butter until I started reading blogs (and never considered myself to be a fan of chocolate- but reading back some recent posts would indicate otherwise!) Ha...

What foods have you started eating more of since reading blogs? My main ones would be peanut butter, hummus and oatmeal. None of which I ever disliked or purposely avoided- I just never really thought of them as appealing/interesting. Now I can't imagine life without them!

Post-therapy (real psychotherapy, chocolate therapy is a given these days!) I made a curried chicken salad and spinach wrap. I love the dried apricots and raisins in this...though I love dried fruit in anything!

Still on the lookout for a vegetarian chicken salad recipe- anyone got one they recommend? (Elise?!.)

Thanks for the menu suggestions for tomorrow- I am really looking forward to it! Wish you could all come!

Have a fabulous hump-day everyone!

Stepping Outside Of The 'Recovery Bubble'

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts on yesterday's post. I love hearing everyone's different opinions so don't apologise for lengthy comments- the more you guys say, the more I think and learn so keep your ideas coming!

Just to clarify after a couple of comments/emails, my post wasn't necessarily about the job/issue of being 'green' itself, but more an example of a tendency *I* have to 'go for gold' at any cost, often losing myself along the way. One one hand, you've got to do what you've got to do in order to pay rent, etc, and that often does mean compromising on principles/values especially when you are new at a company and haven't worked your way up to a level where you have the safety and security of putting your foot down.

I've been trying to keep my posts broader than just eating disorders and this is likely to be rambly/boring, so feel free to scroll down to the food discussion while I attempt to organise my thoughts!

I was thinking about yesterday's post and the whole difficulty in finding a balance between 'staying true to yourself' versus what is actually practical in the real world. I've spent a lot of time in intensive treatment, having it ingrained into my brain the important aspects of recovery: to honour your feelings, to eat intuitively, to be true to your inner self, etc. I agree with ALL of this. In theory. But the real world isn't based around that- sitting with feelings and accepting them is all great but at some point, there comes a time when I need to act "as if" in order to get through the day. I don't have therapists around me 24/7 to support me- I have a job to go to, bills to pay. Living outside of hospital demands a level of functioning that I don't think treatment ever really taught me. Granted, it's not something you can learn in a group therapy session- you learn by DOING which is what I am doing now, I guess?

Other aspects of recovery come into this category too of "stuff people tell me is 'normal' but isn't easy to apply in the real world". Intuitive eating is something that I am striving for, but again- NOT always practical. When I am working, I need to eat when I am given a lunch break because the other option is to just...not eat. This kind of goes against the whole concept of intuitive eating, but is very much in-line with how 'life' operates. I might have packed a turkey sandwich, but if my body is asking for a veggie burger? Eh. Nothing I can do about that.

Kind of reminds me of high school. I was in the top French class when I was 12 and did well in the classroom. When I actually went to France, it was a whole different story. Being able to ask for directions to 'La Discothèque' got me good marks on my pop quiz, but wasn't really what I needed in order to survive several weeks in France! Nothing wrong with discos (!), but learning how to ask for a first-aid kit or directions to a bank might have been more useful.

I guess my issue right now is finding a balance between the tools/skills needed for recovery, versus what is actually realistic for how the world operates. I think it comes down to having the ability and strength to be able to hold onto the basics of staying healthy, whilst also allowing for flexibility and acceptance of change- seeing it as an opportunity to grow, rather than a huge obstacle that blocks your every movement.

sometimes being in control means just accepting a lack of control over situations

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More interesting stuff, yes?

All day yesterday, I was craving peas. I don't even LIKE peas very much- they remind me of school lunches, served luke warm having been boiled to the point where they were nothing but a gloopy green mush on my plate. I didn't make gloopy mush.

Broccoli and pea crustless quiche, vegetarian baked beans (British baked beans are completely different from American ones) with roasted mushrooms, onions and steamed spinach.

What is the difference between a crustless quiche and a frittata? I thought the whole point of a 'quiche' was the crust itself?

I decided not to order muesli online because I had an insomnia induced online shopping spree and now have mounds of wraps and bars taking over my kitchen I wanted to try something a little different.

This is a regular muesli mix (oats, dried fruit) but with bran twigs in it and a higher percentage of fruit.

Muesli is ugly, no doubt about it. It was delicious though! It's hard to tell from the picture, but there was a LOT of dried apricots in this which I loved and it was much sweeter than my other muesli (which has dried berries and more of a 'tang'). This one was cheaper AND better tasting. Plus much easier for me to get.

Heehee...

Peanut butter fix came later on.

PB pretzel MOJO bar = *love* I think this is now one of my favourite bars- probably a good thing since I now have a whole case. I wonder if I can make sculptures out of them to at least make the pictures a little more interesting?

In other news: I am having dinner with another Edinburgh blogger on Thursday (YAY!) What would you get from this menu?

What's In A Piece Of Pie?

Sunday afternoon already?..

Hee hee... I love these cartoons.

I feel like I've posted a lot this week whilst avoiding talking much about what's been happening in my everyday life. You didn't miss much. I've been thinking a lot about what constitutes a 'balanced lifestyle'. When I did my life coaching certification course a few years ago, there was an entire module on what a balanced lifestyle is- my coursework was filled with pretty pie-charts that would compose a well-rounded life. I think that no two pie charts would ever be the same- some people need more of one aspect in their life and someone else has slightly different priorities.

The key 'pieces' of the pie were:

• productivity (work, school, etc)
• personal/health
• social
• leisure
• relationships

Simple in theory, harder in practice. (Don't worry- not going to get all 'life coach-y on you guys...okay, maybe just for this post :P )

MY PIE

Productivity: I am working part-time right now, as well as various ongoing projects (ie, the article I wrote and follow-up)

Personal/Health: a work in progress- I am definitely making this a more significant part of my 'pie' right now and focusing on gaining both emotional and physical health because I think that without that as a solid foundation, none of the others can really grow.

Leisure: again, a work in progress. Blogging is fun for me, writing is fun and I LOVE taking my camera out around the city and taking random pictures. I am hoping that as the rest of my 'pie' balances out more evenly, I'll discover new things I enjoy doing and a new appreciation for leisure time.

Social/Relationships: I've clumped these together because right now, they are virtually non-existent and by far, the smallest piece in my pie. (I find it kind of amusing the I am talking about what my eating disorder has taken away from me by using a 'pie' as an example!)

I am definitely a sociable person. I LOVE spending time with people, hanging out with friends. Nothing makes me happier than just relaxing in Starbucks with a friend, laughing at random things, reminiscing about bizarre/funny memories we have. Since I came back to Scotland last year, I have been really isolated. Not intentionally, but it's not easy to meet people when you aren't in school and don't work (my job is pretty new). I think that the loneliness aspect of my day-to-day life is the biggest obstacle for me right now and definitely the next thing I really want to focus on changing. I talk a lot about missing New York- what I miss the most is my friends and who I am when I am around that. I live HERE now and I need to make more of an effort to bring the aspects of NY life into the life I currently have.

"Life Only Happens When You Show Up For It"

2 questions for today!

How have you guys met people when you've moved to a new area?

Any piece of your 'pie' that you would want to change?

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Breakfast was nothing special but fabulous nonetheless. Bran flakes, Fage cherry twin pot and sliced banana. A.K.A. cheesecake!

Snack was the last remnants of my muesli (hence the dust!) mixed with Fage. Still undecided about ordering more muesli so going to check out what the health store sells tomorrow.

For lunch I wanted to see if I could have a meal without using any condiments (my pictures don't show it, but everything I eat has ketchup added after the photoshoot!). I made a sandwich with a chopped quorn fillet, laughing cow cheese and some chopped yellow pepper. Side dishes were also condiment free.

The verdict? DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. Condiments should be a part of the food pyramid. Lesson learned.

What are your favourite condiments? Top of my list would be ketchup, closely followed by honey mustard and tzaztzki (not really a 'condiment' but I use it as one).

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and if you like granola, CLICK HERE!

When "Quitting" Is A Good Thing

• when you realise that what you are doing has started to hurt more than help
• when the passion has died and doesn't seem to be coming back
• when it feels more compulsive than enjoyable
• when it doesn't interest you anymore
• when it starts to lose meaning and stops making sense
• when it's taking up more energy and time than it warrants
• when it starts to feel out of your own hands
• when you realise it's taking you further and further from where you want to be going
• when it's causing sleepless nights and restless days
• when the "get up and go" feeling...got up and went
• when you face it with dread rather than hope
• when you reach limits that aren't possible to break through
• when no matter how hard you try, you realise there isn't anything more you can do
• when your health and happiness becomes compromised
• when it becomes a 24/7 obsession rather than a pleasant past time
• when you worry more about what people are thinking rather than staying true to yourself
• when holding on is more painful than letting go

This isn't related to anything in particular right now, just some thoughts/ideas that have been bouncing around my head- more so lately as 'life' has gotten busier and my priorities are being assessed (and reassessed!). I'm trying to prise things apart and figure out what is 1) important, 2) enjoyable and 3) what is taking up my attention/focus right now that is okay to let go of. I hate the idea of "quitting"- I like to think I can juggle a zillion things at once and somehow keep everything balanced in a nice pie-chart format. That's not working out very well so I am working on accepting that sometimes there are things that I need to just let go. My dad calls this a "strategical retreat"- cutting your losses and backing out whilst you can. I still see it as 'quitting' and prefer to stick with it and hope that things work out.

What are your thoughts on giving up/quitting if it's something that isn't working for you anymore? Do you find it easy to do?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day , to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight."

- E. Cummings

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The good stuff...

I made the BEST breakfast this morning, featuring this bar that Aisha sent me:

I cooked up some oats and swirled them together with plain fromage frais and frozen blueberries and crumbled a chunk of the bar on top.

The bar was amazing! Such a great oatmeal topping, especially with the blueberries and yogurt. Why have I waited so long to try the coconut and almond combinations I've seen on so many blogs?! (note to self: copy more bloggers- these guys have GREAT taste!) I am rapidly falling in love with the hot oat/cold yogurt bowls!

I've had this sitting in my fridge for ages and have been looking forward to trying it since it's so popular amongst bloggers.

I REALLY wanted to like it. Ccinnamon is one of my all-time favourite spices and I love the short ingredients list (if something has a list that I can read straight through without needing to stop for a break, I LIKE it), but the flavour was strange...spicy, sweet and not what I was expecting. Not a bad thing since I can't get these bars easily and am glad I don't need to add it to my list of stuff to stock up. I do find it weird how I can tolerate such high levels of artificial sweeteners, but I find Larabars INCREDIBLY sweet. Anyone else find this? Or am I just weird? Heh... Does anyone else keep their Lara bars in the fridge?

Hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start!

I Believe...

• that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is only to teach us something
• that putting all your eggs in one basket might seem practical but it's a big risk to take
• that some risks are worth taking
• that it's on the darkest nights that the stars shine most brightly
• that actions speak louder than words
• that you can wait forever for an apology that will never come
• that time you enjoy is not wasted time
• that 'sorry' is the hardest word to say
• that every moment we have is a gift
• that everyone is doing their best with the tools they have available to them
• that sometimes you only find the answer when you stop looking
• that people will die trying to use their bodies to say what their voices can't
• that when you face the things you are most scared of, you find you had the courage all along
• that when your mind throws up road blocks, you can drive straight through them
• that some rules are meant to be broken
• that everyone deserves to be loved
• that a good night's sleep and a great breakfast gives you a great advantage for any challenges that come your way during the day
• that everyone needs a little help sometimes
• that sometimes the only available means of transportation is a leap of faith
• that laughter is the best medicine
• that time doesn't heal everything, but compassion and forgiveness can go a long way
• that we have more power and strength than we realise
• that everyone is special in their own way

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Munchables!

I wanted to try the muesli that Aisha sent me in the 'blogger exchange' this morning.

With pumpkin and fromage frais...

The flavour kind of got lost in the pumpkin, but every now and again I got a little chunk of chocolate- winning start to my day!

There was some more chocolate needed later on.

I think this was a "Carbrite Raspberry Chocolate" bar (20g protein- woooo!) but will forever be known in my head as "Bizarre Bar". It was...weird. I LOVED the texture, but it had the strangest taste to it- anyone tried these? Maybe it had gone bad or something...it didn't taste gross, it was just strange. Chalky and chewy (which I like) but just really sweet with a strange hint of what I assume is *supposed* to be raspberry.. These have no sugar and no artificial sweeteners so I have no idea what crazy chemicals ingredients I just ingested...

Lunch included my last sandwich thin- which means that 1) I have LOTS of room in my freezer now, and 2) next week WRAPS are back on the menu. You know how I roll!

Ham, tomato chutney, laughing cow cheese and pineapple. Love it.

Have a great weekend guys! Hope you all have some fun things planned!

Click for a summer giveaway!

Me, My Blog and I

Thank you for your feedback on yesterday's post about finding balance- seems to be a general consensus that 1) this is something most of us struggle/have struggled with at some point, and 2) how essential it is to prioritise and set aside time for things that ARE important. Putting my health as a priority is not something that comes easily to me which is what I am struggling with- because right now, it IS a priority that I am not willing to compromise. Identifying the things that help me feel good physically and mentally is one of the main things I am figuring out right now and that's pretty much what my blog is all about.

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Yesterday Caitlin posted about food blogs and the responses she has had to her blog/lifestyle- it prompted an interesting discussion and made me think about a few things which I wanted to address. It was very interesting to read the responses- quite a mix of opinions from both people with eating disorders, and people without. Worth checking out.

First of all, I want to apologise to anyone who has been triggered by anything I have said in my blog. I try to keep it as 'safe' as possible, but am also aware that I share a lot of the same struggles that you guys do and my blog is my outlet to talk about the ups and downs. I want to keep it 'trigger free' but I also want to keep it honest and open. I can only speak from my own experiences and share my thoughts/views, and I truly value each and every comment and word of advice/feedback I receive in return.

I can't tell you how much blogging has helped me over the past few months and I am finding that as time goes on, I am drawn more and more to blogs about healthy and balanced lifestyles rather than ones that focus solely on eating disorders/recovery. I still relate very much to the eating disorder discussions/struggles, but I am finding that as my own recovery grows stronger, these are getting harder for me to read. I don't know if this is a positive sign of growth/change, or a sign that I have merely become heartless? I feel very much in transition right now between the 'old' blog about my daily struggles and my 'new' blog which hopefully reflects the changes that have happened (and continue to happen). There are a LOT of blogs out there- some I follow because they demonstrate the balanced lifestyle I am striving for or because they interest me, and some I have had to stop reading because I find them frustrating or upsetting. There are a lot of great blogs out there and I have nothing but respect for people who take the time and energy to post and share as much as they do. I have never judged ANYONE based on what they eat or the things they write- if it's not healthy for me to read for whatever reason, I don't read it. Simple as that. I imagine many do the same with my blog! If I think I can offer some support or advice, I'll throw it out there for consideration but it's up to the individual to use/discard what I say. I am in NO way perfect or a 'role model'- I put my own story into words and am finding what makes my life more in tune with the goals I have.

I don't compare myself to other bloggers the way I used to and that has been the biggest change for me over the last few months- discovering what works for ME. Which is different for everyone. I DO NOT post entire day's worth of food so please don't think that my photos are an entire day's worth of food. I am also trying to avoid focusing on eating disorders and talk in what I hope is a much broader/general outlook on "life" rather than "anorexia".

My blog is not a 'food blog' in the same way that some are. It's about an ever-evolving relationship with myself, food and life itself. I don't want my blog to be associated with eating disorders because whilst I am in 'recovery', my biggest struggle right now is NOT about 'symptoms', but finding a manageable, healthy and meaningful way of life.

I LOVE reading your comments and thoughts, whether positive or negative, I DO want to hear it. All are gratefully received and I learn a lot from hearing your views and opinions. Some of the negativity can hurt or seems a little inappropriate, but some people have openly challenged me or disagreed with me and it has led to some great discussions. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to agree with the things I say or approve of what I do- and I hope that people do feel able to say, "hey- wait a minute...I don't like that".

Caitlin's post made me think a lot about the responsibilities bloggers have to their readers- my personal opinion of this is that bloggers have no responsibility beyond being respectful of others whilst sharing their views, and accepting that not everybody is going to like/agree with what they say. Sharing your life in a blog does open up doors to criticism and negativity- it seems a lot of us have experienced this at some point. For me, the support and positive feedback I receive far outweighs the negative. I think we all need to take responsibility for ourselves- whether writing or reading, if something is triggering or upsetting, there are choices beyond writing negative anonymous comments. You can ask for clarification or challenge (I have yet to come across a blogger who is not willing to discuss things further if asked) or you can simply close the window and walk away. We all make our own choices, sometimes influences by other people, but ultimately...it's us who has to decide what is right for us. If somebody chooses to take another blogger's lifestyle and copy it as their own, that's their decision and not the blogger's responsibility.

I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes by talking about this more, but Caitlin's post really made me question my blog/the direction it is going versus the original intention, and a lot of the comments made me wonder how my blog is perceived by readers.

Whew. That was long. Anyone still with me? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...

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Today is the first day in Edinburgh that I can honestly say feels like summer! It is GLORIOUS sunshine and actually...t-shirt weather? Okay, maybe not quite but definitely not hot oatmeal weather.

Pumpkin, cinnamon, plain fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter. I swear those are honey nut- they always land face down in my yogurt! There is all kind of honey nut goodness on the other side!

Snack was a heated up Clif-z smores bar:

Sometimes a little chocolate therapy is needed :) I don't like these cold, but slightly warming them takes them to a whole new level!

Lunch included a repeat of my Coronation chicken wrap from a couple days ago but for some reason tasted SO much better. I swear summer weather just makes life...sweeter.

Thank you for the hummus suggestions- I have big plans for tomorrow's wrap!

Random question: I found THIS STUFF today in the health food store and it looks great- anyone got a recommended use for it before I buy a jar? Sounds delicious!

Keeping Balance

So many things I want to say today. First of all, THANK YOU for your comments on yesterday's posts- as I wrote it, it felt like a sort of 'confessional' and I was thrilled beyond words to find so many people who share the same thoughts/feelings.

Second of all, I did get feedback on my article. Verdict? It is going to be up on the organisations website later this week!!! I am SO excited about this. The positive response I got was such a surprise to me- I really was expecting a, "thanks but no thanks" email from them (*must have more faith in self*). I don't want to go into too many details at this point, but I will say that it is an eating disorders recovery/advocacy network that I am thrilled to be involved with and I am really excited about the work I'll be doing with them.

Which brings me onto today's topic.

Writing my article and submitting it has been both a source of huge enjoyment and stress for me. I LOVE writing, especially when it is something I am passionate about so this was a great thing for me to do, but the stress comes from the perfectionist side of me which kind of kills the 'fun factor'. I get so anxious in situations where I am putting myself 'out there' and open to feedback/criticism, that nothing else seems as important- partly why my sleep has gotten so funky the past week. It doesn't feel AS important as making sure my work is the best it can be, that targets/deadlines are met, that everything is up to scratch. The problem lies in finding a balance between being busy and taking time to look after myself. From reading other people's blogs, I know this is not an uncommon difficulty. My schedule right now is NOT overly crammed full on purpose- I find it almost impossible to draw the line between working and relaxation/self-care so am working on gradually building up my level of commitments whilst simultaneously building up the skills to balance them. For now, I'm doing okay, but the past week has been a 'test' and highlighted the fact that whilst on a day-to-day basis, I'm doing well, there are still a lot of things I need to work on:

• let go of the idea that I have to be 'perfect': do my best and just leave it at that
• put my health as a priority: without decent amounts of food/sleep/exercise, I'm not going to be in a state to do anything properly
• keep it all balanced: I qualified as a life coach a few years ago with a particular focus on developing/maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle...easier said than done, but it's NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

Question for you all: how do you find time to fit in commitments alongside taking care of your emotional/physical health? I read your blogs and am amazed at the amount of things you manage to squeeze into your days (runs, work, cooking, blogging, etc). Do you all have an extra few hours in the day that I don't know about? :P

***********

Munchables...(I think there should be a 'blogger' dictionary- so many terms are used around blogs that people in the 'real world' have no idea what they mean! My family are getting used to me saying, "I'm HANGRY" now!)

Breakfast this morning featured one of my favourite cereals:

For people in the UK, this company now does their own version of MixMyGranola which has been mentioned a lot on blogs- you can check it out HERE.

With cooked apple and Fage...

I had a few hours to kill before leaving for work so I roasted up some vegetables...

(eggplant, zuchinni and onions)

...so that when I came home from work, I could quickly throw together a fabulous lunch:

Okay, it doesn't look so fabulous- you're going to have to trust me when I say it tasted great! Roasted vegetables, spinach and red pepper hummus in flax lavash wrap. I told you I'd do *something* with hummus!

I LOVE roasted vegetables and am so glad I tried hummus again- I think this has the potential to become another regular rotation on my lunch menus. What are your favourite things to put in hummus sandwiches?

Just...(not) Perfect

I was asked last week to write an article about my struggle with anorexia and recovery. I jumped at the idea, without really giving it too much thought. It's been a much harder task than I anticipated- putting something into words what doesn't really, to this day, make very much sense to me (never mind anyone who might read it). What became really apparent as my article took shape was my need to be 'perfect'. To be successful, to make something of myself. It wasn't until I started writing and looking back to when this all started that I realised quite how much of an impact my need to prove myself has had on me. The feeling of never been good enough, of never meeting my own standards, of constantly feeling judged and criticised for my flaws.

The article is pretty much finished and I can't quite bring myself to send it. I've mentioned how much trouble I am having with sleep right now and the article is a huge part of that- I wake up at 3am with something I *need* to edit it right at that moment, and before I know it, I have a big mug of coffee in my hand and am hammering away at my laptop. Clearly my desire to have everything 'perfect' is still there!

I don't think this is ever going to go away. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember- my parents were called in to meet with my teacher when I was 6 because I made a mistake on a spelling test and she didn't think that my level of distress was normal for a 6 year old. Every time I have taken a job or gone back to school, it's been a matter of days before this feeling of inadequace/incompetance creeps in and I start running myself into the ground trying to reach that elusive goal of excelling, I retreat into my default of restrtcing because I know I can do that. Having ruled that out as an option, I am left with the question, "how do I accept myself as I am?"

I know, on a rational level, that perfection isn't possible- if it was, I probably wouldn't be aiming for it. It would be nothing special. It would be 'normal'. I want it because I want to feel special, extraordinary. Not for attention or recognition, but because deep down I feel like I need to show the world that I am deserving of a place in it.

I am aware that this is absurd. Nobody is judging or criticising me (nobody whose opinion I care about anyway!). This isn't coming from anyone else, except my own deep-rooted insecurities. I'm trying to let go. To ease up on myself and remind myself that I am good enough just for who I AM- I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need some great high-flying job to define me anymore than I need an eating disorder to define me. Self-acceptance has never been unconditional to me- it's always been based on what grades I got, what awards I won, what job I got, what I weighed. I'm trying so hard to look beyond that: my personality, my sense of humour, my passions. All the things that make me unique and special just for being ME- accepting myself for who I am, not what I have done.

"When you aim for perfection, you discover that it's a moving target"

Meanwhile, the article seems disjointed, inarticulate, nonsensical. There is SO much I want to say but I am struggling to adequately express what I need to in the way I want to. I have sent it to my dad to proofread (English teacher for a father has it's perks!). As anxious as I am about throwing this out there, I am excited beyond words to have the opportunity to share my story. It's been interesting to write, and has definitely made me come to a few realisations about what steps I need to be taking right now.

Any other perfectionists out there who have found some sort of balance/way of letting go?

*******

Munchables...

Memorial Day Muesli!



Usual oats/fromage frais/vanilla/blueberries/almonds- with a dollop of raspberry jam for patriotic/visual purposes! Note to self: almonds + jam is a delicious combination (I need to try almond butter one of these days!)

Snack...


Bare Naked fruit and nut granola with Fage. I could quite happily eat Bare Naked granola all day long (mom- if you are reading this, PLEASE bring some back from NY for me!). Hands down, my favourite snack.

Lunch was another salad- despite the fact that it still feels like winter here in Scotland!


Mushrooms (in a sauce made from melted laughing cow + pesto) with kidney beans, roasted sweet potato and spinach. Pesto is so underrated- this stuff is amazing, and so packed with flavour. I have a whole jar (minus 1/2 tbsp now!) to experiment with so expect more basil parmesan delights...

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend- I thought it was a holiday here in the UK, but having been out and about all morning, don't think it's a holiday in Scotland afterall!

Body's Talkin'

Thank you so much for the comments on yesterday's post! It's always strange looking back over old entries, but it's also a great way to see how far you have come by reflecting on the past.

What I had originally wanted to talk about yesterday was 'hunger'. The past few days, my appetite has been completely non-existent (which was what I wanted to discuss)- I have mixed feelings about this- in some ways, it's easier for me to eat if I'm NOT hungry because it feels more in control. On the other hand, it's hard to justify eating if I'm NOT hungry- I figure that if my body isn't asking for food, it doesn't need it. (I eat according to my plan, regardless, just my feelings about it are different). Today has been the complete opposite. I find it hard to recognise 'hunger' and 'fullness' a lot of the time, but today have been painfully aware of my stomach screaming out for food. Being hungry is horrible. I can't stand the feeling of emptiness, of my stomach churning. Especially when it seems to come from nowhere- there was no reason why *today* should have been different from yesterday, but it was. I start to resent my body for betraying me- why now? Why today? How DARE it need food when I already ate?!.. I also hate the memories and associations that hunger gives me- it takes me back to the days where I was literally starving, and could not bring myself to eat. I am not in that place now, but the physical sensations of hunger remind me so painfully of that time.

I am a firm believer that if you are craving certain things, it's because your body needs it. I am trying to generalise this to 'being hungry = needing food'. It sounds so simple, but it''s easier said than done. I hate the sensation of hunger, but I also hate what it represents- needing, wanting, a lack of control over my own body ("I ate xxx for breakfast- I should NOT be hungry yet"). It's uncomfortable physically and mentally- I get irritable, shaky, tearful. It's REALLY hard for me to trust my body and let it tell me when it needs more food- but I really think that our bodies are better judges of what we need than our minds are. If my stomach is growling and it's been several hours since breakfast, chances are, I AM hungry. It's NOT a sign of weakness of greediness- it's a sign of being human. Our bodies require fuel even if we spend all day in bed. Our organs, muscles...the human body is performing zillions of tasks at any given moment, all requiring a decent amount of energy. Recognising hunger is one thing, honouring it is another. I eat according to the clock- it honestly doesn't occur to me on days like today to eat an extra snack or bring a meal forward... I panic about misreading what message my body is sending me and don't yet trust my body/mind to work together. On the other hand, our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt- I spend ludicrous amounts of time working out exact calories in meals, and hours figuring out a day's worth of food. I have lost count of the numbers of days I have spent with a calculator, working out weights, BMIs, etc. The thing is, it's pretty pointless. Some days our bodies need a bit more food or a bit less. Weight fluctuates, as does our intake requirements. Obsessing over a yogurt which has 10 calories more than my regular brand can throw me into a headspin for the entire day, but our bodies don't NOTICE a few calories/pounds here or there. It takes quite a significant amount of calories in either direction for my body to change much so it's futile for me to spend so much time stressing over 'perfect' meal plans.

Tuning in and listening to what your body says is HARD- but it's so important. Our bodies don't see numbers on scales, or graphs or charts. They see food as what it is: nutrients, energy. If they are asking for something, they deserve to be honoured. Bodies talk... I'm trying to listen.

So anyway, some of today's food... (NOT all inclusive BTW!)

Breakfast, again at 5am...(what is UP with my sleep patterns these days?!)

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, blueberries and raw almonds. This is usually one of my more filling breakfasts- not today apparently!

Snack...


Mini chocolate chip Clif bar with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Love it. These bars are a month past their 'use by' date... I'm a daredevil, I know.

For lunch I had something new again! Excuse the messiness- presentation wasn't a priority (clearly :P )


Hummus, carrot, alfalfa sprouts and rocket (arugula?) on wholewheat bread. I forgot how much I LOVE hummus! I actually don't like raw carrots at all, except when they are shredded with hummus. This sandwich was delicious and satisfying (FINALLY!). I don't know why I don't have hummus more often- it's cheap, nutritious and delicious. Maybe I'll get round to trying an infamous 'crack wrap' one of these days...

I'd love to hear about people's experiences with becoming more of an 'intuitive eater' and starting to trust their bodies...

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far!

200th Post = Reflection

This is my 200th post! I didn't realise this until just now when I opened up my blog so instead of what I planned to blog about, thought I should recap a little of what's been going down in my world since the blog started...

I first started blogging intending to focus on the impact giving up dancing has had on my life. I never intended to go into depths about my eating disorder, though in hindsight, that was kind of unavoidable. I started dancing when I was 20- it was pure chance that I went to the class, and completely unexpected that I would not only go BACK for more classes, but that I would fall in love with dancing. There is no feeling in the world to me that matches the adrenaline rush a the music starts, the feeling of rhythm pulsing through my body, my muscles surging with power as the warm-up kicked off. My dance studio started to feel like 'home'- a safe place where there was no time to think about calories or weight, except to feel the strength of my body as I leaped and twirled around the room. I watched myself in the mirror- not criticising my body for what it looked like, but seeing how I could master the movements and copy my teacher's demonstration. It was the first time that I saw food as FUEL- much needed energy to power me through my classes. I ate with dancing on my brain, my muscles reaping the benefits of a healthy and adequate diet. My focus shifted from what foods were "safe" to what foods would give me the best sources of energy for dancing.

After several injuries, I had to accept that dancing could no longer be a part of my life. I felt lost without my "safe place" to go to, food felt unnecessary, strength and health just felt...meaningless. It all felt very unfair. I had nobody to blame but myself- my years of disordered eating had taken too much of a toll on my body for me to carry on with something I was so passionate about.

Dancing was replaced with losing weight again- I drifted from one thing to another (classes, jobs, activities) trying to fill that void. I moved around a lot- London to Scotland to New York to Scotland, back to New York, back to Scotland, to London...trying to find somewhere I fitted in, somewhere I felt safe, somewhere my eating disorder would not be present. Do I miss dancing? Sometimes. For the most part, I have accepted that that chapter of my life has ended and have focused my energy on other things. Then there are times when I drift into daydreams of being back in the studio, aware of nothing but the floor beneath my feet, the fan above my head, the mirrors lining the walls, the music pulsing through the studio. I get pangs not unlike 'homesickness', but overall, I've moved on and am okay with that. I miss what it represented to me and the way my life WAS back then- the same reasons why I miss New York. I miss who I became in the studio.

It has taken me a long time to realise that my eating disorder is inside of me. Changing the outside doesn't change the inside- dancing helped me manage my relationship with my body/food, and it felt like the floor had been pulled from beneath me when I had to stop.

That void is still there. How do I manage it? I try different things. Some days writing helps. Some days long walks help. Some days being with other people helps. Some days being by myself helps. There is no "one size fits all"- finding what works at any given moment is trial and error. Every day is different- I wake up with a slightly different view of the world and of myself. My goals change, my perception changes, the seasons change. I am trying, to the best of my ability, to face up to what I am thinking and feeling. To own it, to accept it, to embrace it. To say, "this is where I am right now". I have crappy moments and crappy days- but who doesn't? Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I am starting to see that it is the contrast between the rainstorms and sunshine that make me appreciate the sun's warmth, and gives me the strength to brave the storms.

So yes, the blog has changed a lot over the last 200 posts. So have I. I am becoming ME- discovering and creating the strong and independent person I want to be, who doesn't need anorexia in her life, who has the strength to fight her own demons, and speaks her own truth. This is not the end of my journey by any means- in some ways, it's just a beginning. A beginning I am excited about because it's the start of a solo journey- without anorexia by my side.

Woah. That was longer than I intended. Sorry guys!


Food and fun and shenanigans...


Breakfast at the lovely hour of 5am...


Bran flakes, Fage cherry twin pot and microwaved banana. Heaven in a bowl! I've never seen the Fage 2% yogurts here aside from the twin pots- anyone in the UK managed to hunt it down?


Snack- Sam over at Eat Natural was kind enough to send my some of their new bars to try!




This was DELICIOUS! The chewy dried fruit, the crunchy nuts, the crisp puffed rice and yogurt coating was an amazing combination. It tasted just like Bakewell Tart! Check out all the fruit and nuts in this bar...



Lunch after work was a new one for me...




Quorn fillets with BBQ sauce, a little shredded cheese and spinach on a wholewheat sandwich thin. This was really good! I've had BBQ sauce in the fridge for months, and never really use it- same with the quorn fillets in my freezer. YAY for branching out and discovering great combinations!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Doing What Works

I haven't been doing my planned reading much at all this week, but I DID do something out of the ordinary last night...


My mom is going to New York tomorrow for both her and my Grandpa's birthday- I thought homemade cards would be a nice change. Mom's love their kids artwork regardless of what it looks like (I hope- any mom's out there want to reassure me that my mom won't feel cheated out of a store bought card?!) I had so much fun lying on the floor covered in glue and sticking glittery stars all over the place! Aaaah... I think I need to invest in some finger paints!

Anyway...

Since I have been posting more about my food intake lately, I wanted to talk about it a bit. I don't post a full day's intake because I don't see that as being helpful for me right now. I have often fallen into the trap of comparing my intake to others and feeling guilty because I don't eat a clean/raw/vegan/organic diet. My diet, overall, is not unhealthy (in my opinion!). I am working on developing a healthier relationship with food- it's not about the food itself, but about the way I view it and use it. For a long time, my food has been selected primarily on nutritional content- right now the focus is more on 1) eating an adequate amount, 2) trying new things and rediscovering what I like/dislike based on taste and 3) finding out what foods make ME feel my best. I do rely a lot on protein bars and I do eat prepackaged foods pretty frequently. I don't feel 'bad' about this- for now, it's a good way for me to get the nutrition that I need whilst experimenting with different foods. I haven't seen a dietitian for about 2 years and I don't talk specifically about my meals in therapy, so I make my own plans and can discuss progress/struggles when I see my therapist.

I've toyed with the idea of becoming vegetarian again and I've considered cutting out dairy. Going 'raw' has also been on my mind- for me, at this point, none of that would be helpful because I don't think my relationship with food is healthy enough for me to cut things out without falling into restriction. I would never knock anyone who DOES choose to be vegetarian/vegan/raw- it's just not right for me/my body/my recovery.

Bottom line- I do what works for ME (which is likely different to what works for you). I eat more than some food bloggers, and less than others. My weight has been stable for a few weeks so I am obviously doing something right. Finding a balance between losing/gaining is tricky (for a lot of us, I think!) and that 'middle ground' is different for everyone.

I am only now discovering how different foods affect me mentally and physically- no way am I ready to jump headfirst into intuitively eating, but I am paying more attention to how I feel before eating and how different food choices affect my energy/satiety levels. It's a journey. I don't expect to go straight from 14 years of 'prescribed' meal plans (either by a dietitian or my eating disorder) into suddenly being able to honour my body's signals, but I am once again starting to enjoy food and see it as fuel for the life I want to live rather than as something to torture myself with.

So, food!

I wanted to try my overnight muesli with pumpkin.

Pumpkin, oats, vanilla, fromage frais topped with melted peanut butter. Verdict? It didn't taste much better than it looks! This was lacking...something. Banana maybe? I won't be rushing to make this again- I know I said I liked the cold pumpkin/cereal combination, but I've missed my pumpkin banana oats this week!

Snack was a bar that Sam sent me a while ago.

It was pretty good! I am not generally a fan of Kashi products (I know...blasphemy in the blog world!) but I loved the cinnamon flavour in this, and any bar with frosting/yogurt coating is automatically a winner in my book!

Lunch was a Coronation chicken and spinach wrap...

Coronation chicken is basically curried chicken salad- which according to Wikipedia, was created in 1953 for the Queen's coronation. Random British trivia for you! I think my wrapping skills have improved! (Another shout out to Jaime!)

And speaking of Jaime, check out her awesome giveaway!