Today's been kind of up and down. As I've talked about before, I really want to move back to New York. I've been looking into options and trying to see if I can make it work (I've moved back and forth 3 times in the last few years). There isn't a single fibre in my body that would rather be in the UK, but there are a lot of practical things to consider so it's not straightforward.
In the spirit of Jenny's post a few days ago, I realised that I am spending a HUGE amount of my time and energy thinking about where I would rather be and what I'd rather be doing. A good thing in that it gives me some focus and inspiration, but it's taking away from the things I could be appreciating right here, right now.
Soooooooo... I decided to make a list of the things I am grateful for in this moment.
- somewhere safe and comfortable to stay
- the city I live in is beautiful- this is right in the middle of the city (Starbucks gives a great view!)
- the progress I have made in recovery (I still have a lot of work to do, but I have come a long way from the darkest moments)
- living in a relatively civilised country (apparently in some cultures, you face criminal charges if you have an eating disorder?)
- my health (yes, I have a lot of consequences of my eating disorder, but things could be a LOT worse)
- having enough food, enough heat, enough of the essentials to LIVE
- having access to doctors, dentists, medication, etc if I need it
- the amazing people I have met over the last few months/years
- the friends who have stuck by me through all of this
- my family (definitely issues there, but again, could be worse!)
- my education (I haven't been in full-time school since I was 12, but that is a lot more than lots of people ever get access to)
- luxuries like internet access, phone, etc...never mind things like clean water
I don't know. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about other people, what they do, how they live and being insanely jealous. There is a whole world out there and so many people never get the chance to learn to read and write, never know where there next meal is coming from, have never had freedom to even play outside... Kind of makes you think, right?
Point I am trying to make is that it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing, striving, always pushing to go that extra mile/get that bit ahead, and life isn't about reaching some kind of destination: it's about enjoying the ride. Goals are important and I am a firm-believer in continuously assessing and reassessing where you are/where you want to be, but I'm also starting to see that this way of thinking means I am missing out on the moments that I have right now before they pass me by.
Question: what are you grateful for right here, right now?
6 comments:
I really relate to what you've been writing about in your blog lately. I do the same thing - get a little more stable, get antsy and start trying to take huge leaps instead of the cliched baby steps. Then everything falls apart again. It's a great comfort to know that I'm not alone in this (to be honest I didn't even realise that I was stuck in this loop until I read one of your posts and had a bit of an omg moment!) and I think it's wonderful that you are trying so hard to change this pattern. Good luck :)
Ellie,
Your post really made me smile. I am obviously really going through a rough time, but I realize that it is important to be greatful for the little things...like my education, internet, home, health, food, water, etc. And you know what? For once, thinking about this does not make me feel bad about myself! It just makes me realize that I do need to take it one day at a time.
What am I grateful for right now?
I just made a post.
Let what you are grateful for inspire you and move you forward.
Thank you for your beautiful words. You are an inspiring and amazing woman!
I'm grateful for having a day of rest and comfort at home. Every day there is a lot to be grateful for. That is indeed a beautiful view.
love this post :) you are so right we have so much to be thankful for! that city view looks amazing ! you are a lucky girl! and the brent n sams cookies were ok-- i cant seem to find a CHEWY cookie-- i keep getting different kinds but they all seem to be crunchy! they were tastey though! have a great day!
im grateful i have my amazing son! i was told i was infertile, i was told i would be in a wheelchair by 22 (im now 27), james and i almost died during his birth, and we are both here and i thank..... whatever... whatever `it is' that keeps trying to allow me to shine despite my demons. i am grateful that i am a good mother and that he makes me laugh every single day. that i have a true reason to care for myself, outside of my own need to achieve in my life.
i am grateful to those proud, amazing women i met in africa who made me realise what hard work and a true struggle for life is like.
er. despite my struggles and my stupid ed self doubt, i am glad i am still here regardless of the many times i nearly went. i have something to prove.
moreover i am gratefl to the wicked friends i have and the relationships i have maintained and re-established. they mean the world to me and help with every aspect of myself.
go to NY ellie, you are ready. you just inspire me babe, i have so much awe for the huge hurdles you have overcome and it sounds ott but maybe you needed to come back and be here to be ready to go again. karma is on your side and you have some serious fun and awesome friends waiting for you there. do it (ill come visit with my crazy son!)
Hi Ellie! Thank you for your comments on my blog :) I love finding other UK-bloggers!
I like your grateful list--my mom always tells me to make them when I think I'm having a bad day. It's funny how it always makes me feel better.
Hope you had a nice weekend :)
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