Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving.... It's All The Same To Me!

Happy Sunday- everyone ready for a new week? ;)

Today's been kind of up and down. As I've talked about before, I really want to move back to New York. I've been looking into options and trying to see if I can make it work (I've moved back and forth 3 times in the last few years). There isn't a single fibre in my body that would rather be in the UK, but there are a lot of practical things to consider so it's not straightforward.

In the spirit of Jenny's post a few days ago, I realised that I am spending a HUGE amount of my time and energy thinking about where I would rather be and what I'd rather be doing. A good thing in that it gives me some focus and inspiration, but it's taking away from the things I could be appreciating right here, right now.

Soooooooo... I decided to make a list of the things I am grateful for in this moment.

- somewhere safe and comfortable to stay
- the city I live in is beautiful- this is right in the middle of the city (Starbucks gives a great view!)



- the progress I have made in recovery (I still have a lot of work to do, but I have come a long way from the darkest moments)
- living in a relatively civilised country (apparently in some cultures, you face criminal charges if you have an eating disorder?)
- my health (yes, I have a lot of consequences of my eating disorder, but things could be a LOT worse)
- having enough food, enough heat, enough of the essentials to LIVE
- having access to doctors, dentists, medication, etc if I need it
- the amazing people I have met over the last few months/years
- the friends who have stuck by me through all of this
- my family (definitely issues there, but again, could be worse!)
- my education (I haven't been in full-time school since I was 12, but that is a lot more than lots of people ever get access to)
- luxuries like internet access, phone, etc...never mind things like clean water


I don't know. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about other people, what they do, how they live and being insanely jealous. There is a whole world out there and so many people never get the chance to learn to read and write, never know where there next meal is coming from, have never had freedom to even play outside... Kind of makes you think, right?

Point I am trying to make is that it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing, striving, always pushing to go that extra mile/get that bit ahead, and life isn't about reaching some kind of destination: it's about enjoying the ride. Goals are important and I am a firm-believer in continuously assessing and reassessing where you are/where you want to be, but I'm also starting to see that this way of thinking means I am missing out on the moments that I have right now before they pass me by.

Question: what are you grateful for right here, right now?

grateful to be alive

I don't know quite how or when this happened. I spent much of last year too depressed to make any rational decisions, my head to foggy to form coherent sentences, my heart too heavy to see anything beyond the pain and despair I felt in that moment. I tried medications, hospitals, therapy. Tried sleeping, meditations, relaxation, exercise. Tried everything that was suggested, but at the back of my mind I really thought I was going to end up killing myself in the not-so-distant future.

I don't know when that changed. I don't know HOW it changed. I don't quite know why it started in the first place, or if it could happen again.

What I DO know is that I realised today that not only am I getting through each day, I am enjoying things again. I'm not going to sleep at night praying that I won't wake up. I'm not being awoken each morning to the sounds of my own cries. I'm worried about the future and what it may hold, but it's not consuming me- I'm taking pleasure in the things I have NOW and worrying less about what lies ahead. I figure, if I take care of the current moment, the next moment will take care of itself. So far it seems to be working.

Life certainly isn't all "ha ha hee hee"- a lot of what I'm doing is plain and simple avoidance. I'm avoiding opening up the can of worms I opened last summer. I'm avoiding situations/people, I'm avoiding giving up the mechanisms I have used to keep a lid on my depression for the last few years.

But something feels different. I feel light. I feel peaceful. I feel free.

I have some important decisions to make over the next few days which I'm struggling with- it's a matter of weighing up pros and cons, taking risks. I'm content right NOW, and not sure if it's a worthwhile gamble to shake things up again and just hope that I end up content in the long-run. Every choice has a consequence- living moment by moment is serving me well right now, but at some point...well...I do need to step up to the plate and make some decisions.

Seems I start to write with one intention, and end up off on some tangent... I had felt an urge to write some cheesy entry thanking the various people who have stepped in over the last few years and (quite literally) saved my life. No matter how much I fought them or tried to run away. No matter how much I screamed and lashed out, I am here today simply because for the last X years, there have been a whole bunch of people who have kept me alive. Often I resent that.

Today I am grateful.

Thanks guys- I've got it covered for now...