E-Day

= endoscopy day!

I mentioned previously about how self-harm has become a complete "non-issue" for me. I don't think about it, talk about it and definitely don't consider it. Quite the opposite. It's left me with a literal phobia of pain in any way, shape or form What most people might describe as a "minor headache" is unbearable for me. I will call my mom up crying if I stub my toe- it's really bizarre coming from someone with my history. I am also noticing a similar thing with food- I have ZERO tolerance for being hungry or thirsty. I am actually terrified of it. I don't know if it's because I am scared I'll not be able to stop eating when I DO get food, or if it's the memories and associations it stirs up, but it's so freaking uncomfortable for me to NEED something I can't have at that moment. Has anyone else noticed that through recovery they completely lose the ability to tolerate hunger? The word "hangry" has become a regular part of my vocabulary! It's rare that I recognise hunger signals- I think that might be part of the problem. That by the time I DO notice that my body wants food I do feel absolutely horrible, so then I associate hunger with waiting/not eating until suchandsuchatime/not able to focus until I DO eat/horrible physical feelings so I guess it's understandable that I hate it.

Suffice to say, today wasn't my idea of fun. I had to completely fast for 12 hours before the procedure which meant skipping breakfast (throwing my whole day's schedule off- more on that later) and by 11am I was really getting unnecessarily agitated. I didn't actually feel hungry by that point, but I was so scared that it would hit me suddenly and uncontrollably. Then the endoscopy itself. I was due to be sedated but my blood pressure was too low- they gave me a tiny dose to relax me then carried out the whole thing with me fully conscious of what was happening. I don't know if he is used to doing this on knocked-out patients, or is just REALLY rough, but good lord I was in agony. Well, MY idea of agony :P All went smoothly though and I was sent home under strict instructions to avoid operating heavy machinery and signing legal documents for 24 hours. So no house buying/getting married until tomorrow night at least. Haha :)

Enough of my whining. The sedation didn't kick in for the procedure but am pretty wiped out this afternoon. So YAY for having internet access/being able to blog, but BOO to wanting to just go to bed!

I do, as promised, have some pictures...

In anticipation of long wait after endoscopy, I came prepared with snacks galore! Then grabbed more food from the hospital cafe whilst waiting for my appointment.

First time trying a Clif Nectar bar- it was AWESOME! I was sent one in a bar exchange and have been wary of it, but it was delicious. Another thing to add to my list of "must-buys" when I am in the US next! The sandwich (cheese, pickled onion chutney, celery, apple and lettuce) is made by "Cranks". They were I think one of the first vegetarian restaurants in the UK- now closed, but their cookbooks are great. This was a "Ploughmans" sandwich- it's a Brit thing, yo! Usually it's cheese, pickle (chutney/relish-style, not like a cucumber pickle), salad and occasionally meat. Designed for farmers coming in for lunch straight off their ploughs!

Another bar I have had lying around for ages, wary of trying. It looked like something I would LOVE, but had a horrible texture. Hard to describe, but very VERY chewy, though not in a Clif-bar-good-chewy way. Just like shoe leather! I like their British ones better (vanilla coconut...mmm). I wouldn't eat this again, but it did it's job for today and helping me to make up for my missed breakfast!


Dinner tonight, since 1) it's different from my usual and 2) I am at my mom's so have use of an oven that works and doesn't look like it's about to grow legs and start walking around...


Vegetable kiev- kidney beans, petite pois, mushrooms and some other veg stuffed with some kind of cream cheese filling and coated in breadcrumbs. Not homemade, though I DID put it on a baking tray myself. Impressive, no? This is a photo I took of the box. They never look as pretty once they are cooked/plated up!

And some more pictures from the last few days...

Hospital menu which they so thoughtfully filled out for me...


I don't eat red meat so traded the roast beef for cigarettes (lol- the joys of psychiatric units) and waited for my mom to visit...


...bringing a Starbucks low-fat muffin. No vitatops in this country, but these are really good! And something else my mom stuffed into the bag of clothes she brought in:


Thought of you veggiegirl! (I did a whole photo shoot and took about 25 pictures of this because I was so bored!)

Essential reading material:


Just for clarification since a couple people have asked, I want to explain a little more about why I was in hospital. Basically it was a brief psychotic episode which they originally THOUGHT was just anxiety, but are now convinced it is due to the diet pills I have been taking. I never thought diet pills could DO that, but apparently they can. I have been taking these for almost 2 years and only take half a dose- quite easily manage if I miss a few days and not quite sure why I have continued taking them. I guess it felt like some kind of...I don't know. Something I wasn't quite ready to let go of yet. I'm working hard on this now though since I cannot afford for another episode like this to happen! So please, if you DO take OTC diet aids and suffer from anxiety anyway, don't assume you are "getting away with it". I'm not going to preach about dangers or why you should stop, but just know that there are things going on in your body that you can't always see.