Me, My Blog and I

Thank you for your feedback on yesterday's post about finding balance- seems to be a general consensus that 1) this is something most of us struggle/have struggled with at some point, and 2) how essential it is to prioritise and set aside time for things that ARE important. Putting my health as a priority is not something that comes easily to me which is what I am struggling with- because right now, it IS a priority that I am not willing to compromise. Identifying the things that help me feel good physically and mentally is one of the main things I am figuring out right now and that's pretty much what my blog is all about.

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Yesterday Caitlin posted about food blogs and the responses she has had to her blog/lifestyle- it prompted an interesting discussion and made me think about a few things which I wanted to address. It was very interesting to read the responses- quite a mix of opinions from both people with eating disorders, and people without. Worth checking out.

First of all, I want to apologise to anyone who has been triggered by anything I have said in my blog. I try to keep it as 'safe' as possible, but am also aware that I share a lot of the same struggles that you guys do and my blog is my outlet to talk about the ups and downs. I want to keep it 'trigger free' but I also want to keep it honest and open. I can only speak from my own experiences and share my thoughts/views, and I truly value each and every comment and word of advice/feedback I receive in return.

I can't tell you how much blogging has helped me over the past few months and I am finding that as time goes on, I am drawn more and more to blogs about healthy and balanced lifestyles rather than ones that focus solely on eating disorders/recovery. I still relate very much to the eating disorder discussions/struggles, but I am finding that as my own recovery grows stronger, these are getting harder for me to read. I don't know if this is a positive sign of growth/change, or a sign that I have merely become heartless? I feel very much in transition right now between the 'old' blog about my daily struggles and my 'new' blog which hopefully reflects the changes that have happened (and continue to happen). There are a LOT of blogs out there- some I follow because they demonstrate the balanced lifestyle I am striving for or because they interest me, and some I have had to stop reading because I find them frustrating or upsetting. There are a lot of great blogs out there and I have nothing but respect for people who take the time and energy to post and share as much as they do. I have never judged ANYONE based on what they eat or the things they write- if it's not healthy for me to read for whatever reason, I don't read it. Simple as that. I imagine many do the same with my blog! If I think I can offer some support or advice, I'll throw it out there for consideration but it's up to the individual to use/discard what I say. I am in NO way perfect or a 'role model'- I put my own story into words and am finding what makes my life more in tune with the goals I have.

I don't compare myself to other bloggers the way I used to and that has been the biggest change for me over the last few months- discovering what works for ME. Which is different for everyone. I DO NOT post entire day's worth of food so please don't think that my photos are an entire day's worth of food. I am also trying to avoid focusing on eating disorders and talk in what I hope is a much broader/general outlook on "life" rather than "anorexia".

My blog is not a 'food blog' in the same way that some are. It's about an ever-evolving relationship with myself, food and life itself. I don't want my blog to be associated with eating disorders because whilst I am in 'recovery', my biggest struggle right now is NOT about 'symptoms', but finding a manageable, healthy and meaningful way of life.

I LOVE reading your comments and thoughts, whether positive or negative, I DO want to hear it. All are gratefully received and I learn a lot from hearing your views and opinions. Some of the negativity can hurt or seems a little inappropriate, but some people have openly challenged me or disagreed with me and it has led to some great discussions. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to agree with the things I say or approve of what I do- and I hope that people do feel able to say, "hey- wait a minute...I don't like that".

Caitlin's post made me think a lot about the responsibilities bloggers have to their readers- my personal opinion of this is that bloggers have no responsibility beyond being respectful of others whilst sharing their views, and accepting that not everybody is going to like/agree with what they say. Sharing your life in a blog does open up doors to criticism and negativity- it seems a lot of us have experienced this at some point. For me, the support and positive feedback I receive far outweighs the negative. I think we all need to take responsibility for ourselves- whether writing or reading, if something is triggering or upsetting, there are choices beyond writing negative anonymous comments. You can ask for clarification or challenge (I have yet to come across a blogger who is not willing to discuss things further if asked) or you can simply close the window and walk away. We all make our own choices, sometimes influences by other people, but ultimately...it's us who has to decide what is right for us. If somebody chooses to take another blogger's lifestyle and copy it as their own, that's their decision and not the blogger's responsibility.

I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes by talking about this more, but Caitlin's post really made me question my blog/the direction it is going versus the original intention, and a lot of the comments made me wonder how my blog is perceived by readers.

Whew. That was long. Anyone still with me? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...

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Today is the first day in Edinburgh that I can honestly say feels like summer! It is GLORIOUS sunshine and actually...t-shirt weather? Okay, maybe not quite but definitely not hot oatmeal weather.

Pumpkin, cinnamon, plain fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter. I swear those are honey nut- they always land face down in my yogurt! There is all kind of honey nut goodness on the other side!

Snack was a heated up Clif-z smores bar:

Sometimes a little chocolate therapy is needed :) I don't like these cold, but slightly warming them takes them to a whole new level!

Lunch included a repeat of my Coronation chicken wrap from a couple days ago but for some reason tasted SO much better. I swear summer weather just makes life...sweeter.

Thank you for the hummus suggestions- I have big plans for tomorrow's wrap!

Random question: I found THIS STUFF today in the health food store and it looks great- anyone got a recommended use for it before I buy a jar? Sounds delicious!

Doing What Works

I haven't been doing my planned reading much at all this week, but I DID do something out of the ordinary last night...


My mom is going to New York tomorrow for both her and my Grandpa's birthday- I thought homemade cards would be a nice change. Mom's love their kids artwork regardless of what it looks like (I hope- any mom's out there want to reassure me that my mom won't feel cheated out of a store bought card?!) I had so much fun lying on the floor covered in glue and sticking glittery stars all over the place! Aaaah... I think I need to invest in some finger paints!

Anyway...

Since I have been posting more about my food intake lately, I wanted to talk about it a bit. I don't post a full day's intake because I don't see that as being helpful for me right now. I have often fallen into the trap of comparing my intake to others and feeling guilty because I don't eat a clean/raw/vegan/organic diet. My diet, overall, is not unhealthy (in my opinion!). I am working on developing a healthier relationship with food- it's not about the food itself, but about the way I view it and use it. For a long time, my food has been selected primarily on nutritional content- right now the focus is more on 1) eating an adequate amount, 2) trying new things and rediscovering what I like/dislike based on taste and 3) finding out what foods make ME feel my best. I do rely a lot on protein bars and I do eat prepackaged foods pretty frequently. I don't feel 'bad' about this- for now, it's a good way for me to get the nutrition that I need whilst experimenting with different foods. I haven't seen a dietitian for about 2 years and I don't talk specifically about my meals in therapy, so I make my own plans and can discuss progress/struggles when I see my therapist.

I've toyed with the idea of becoming vegetarian again and I've considered cutting out dairy. Going 'raw' has also been on my mind- for me, at this point, none of that would be helpful because I don't think my relationship with food is healthy enough for me to cut things out without falling into restriction. I would never knock anyone who DOES choose to be vegetarian/vegan/raw- it's just not right for me/my body/my recovery.

Bottom line- I do what works for ME (which is likely different to what works for you). I eat more than some food bloggers, and less than others. My weight has been stable for a few weeks so I am obviously doing something right. Finding a balance between losing/gaining is tricky (for a lot of us, I think!) and that 'middle ground' is different for everyone.

I am only now discovering how different foods affect me mentally and physically- no way am I ready to jump headfirst into intuitively eating, but I am paying more attention to how I feel before eating and how different food choices affect my energy/satiety levels. It's a journey. I don't expect to go straight from 14 years of 'prescribed' meal plans (either by a dietitian or my eating disorder) into suddenly being able to honour my body's signals, but I am once again starting to enjoy food and see it as fuel for the life I want to live rather than as something to torture myself with.

So, food!

I wanted to try my overnight muesli with pumpkin.

Pumpkin, oats, vanilla, fromage frais topped with melted peanut butter. Verdict? It didn't taste much better than it looks! This was lacking...something. Banana maybe? I won't be rushing to make this again- I know I said I liked the cold pumpkin/cereal combination, but I've missed my pumpkin banana oats this week!

Snack was a bar that Sam sent me a while ago.

It was pretty good! I am not generally a fan of Kashi products (I know...blasphemy in the blog world!) but I loved the cinnamon flavour in this, and any bar with frosting/yogurt coating is automatically a winner in my book!

Lunch was a Coronation chicken and spinach wrap...

Coronation chicken is basically curried chicken salad- which according to Wikipedia, was created in 1953 for the Queen's coronation. Random British trivia for you! I think my wrapping skills have improved! (Another shout out to Jaime!)

And speaking of Jaime, check out her awesome giveaway!

E-Day

= endoscopy day!

I mentioned previously about how self-harm has become a complete "non-issue" for me. I don't think about it, talk about it and definitely don't consider it. Quite the opposite. It's left me with a literal phobia of pain in any way, shape or form What most people might describe as a "minor headache" is unbearable for me. I will call my mom up crying if I stub my toe- it's really bizarre coming from someone with my history. I am also noticing a similar thing with food- I have ZERO tolerance for being hungry or thirsty. I am actually terrified of it. I don't know if it's because I am scared I'll not be able to stop eating when I DO get food, or if it's the memories and associations it stirs up, but it's so freaking uncomfortable for me to NEED something I can't have at that moment. Has anyone else noticed that through recovery they completely lose the ability to tolerate hunger? The word "hangry" has become a regular part of my vocabulary! It's rare that I recognise hunger signals- I think that might be part of the problem. That by the time I DO notice that my body wants food I do feel absolutely horrible, so then I associate hunger with waiting/not eating until suchandsuchatime/not able to focus until I DO eat/horrible physical feelings so I guess it's understandable that I hate it.

Suffice to say, today wasn't my idea of fun. I had to completely fast for 12 hours before the procedure which meant skipping breakfast (throwing my whole day's schedule off- more on that later) and by 11am I was really getting unnecessarily agitated. I didn't actually feel hungry by that point, but I was so scared that it would hit me suddenly and uncontrollably. Then the endoscopy itself. I was due to be sedated but my blood pressure was too low- they gave me a tiny dose to relax me then carried out the whole thing with me fully conscious of what was happening. I don't know if he is used to doing this on knocked-out patients, or is just REALLY rough, but good lord I was in agony. Well, MY idea of agony :P All went smoothly though and I was sent home under strict instructions to avoid operating heavy machinery and signing legal documents for 24 hours. So no house buying/getting married until tomorrow night at least. Haha :)

Enough of my whining. The sedation didn't kick in for the procedure but am pretty wiped out this afternoon. So YAY for having internet access/being able to blog, but BOO to wanting to just go to bed!

I do, as promised, have some pictures...

In anticipation of long wait after endoscopy, I came prepared with snacks galore! Then grabbed more food from the hospital cafe whilst waiting for my appointment.

First time trying a Clif Nectar bar- it was AWESOME! I was sent one in a bar exchange and have been wary of it, but it was delicious. Another thing to add to my list of "must-buys" when I am in the US next! The sandwich (cheese, pickled onion chutney, celery, apple and lettuce) is made by "Cranks". They were I think one of the first vegetarian restaurants in the UK- now closed, but their cookbooks are great. This was a "Ploughmans" sandwich- it's a Brit thing, yo! Usually it's cheese, pickle (chutney/relish-style, not like a cucumber pickle), salad and occasionally meat. Designed for farmers coming in for lunch straight off their ploughs!

Another bar I have had lying around for ages, wary of trying. It looked like something I would LOVE, but had a horrible texture. Hard to describe, but very VERY chewy, though not in a Clif-bar-good-chewy way. Just like shoe leather! I like their British ones better (vanilla coconut...mmm). I wouldn't eat this again, but it did it's job for today and helping me to make up for my missed breakfast!


Dinner tonight, since 1) it's different from my usual and 2) I am at my mom's so have use of an oven that works and doesn't look like it's about to grow legs and start walking around...


Vegetable kiev- kidney beans, petite pois, mushrooms and some other veg stuffed with some kind of cream cheese filling and coated in breadcrumbs. Not homemade, though I DID put it on a baking tray myself. Impressive, no? This is a photo I took of the box. They never look as pretty once they are cooked/plated up!

And some more pictures from the last few days...

Hospital menu which they so thoughtfully filled out for me...


I don't eat red meat so traded the roast beef for cigarettes (lol- the joys of psychiatric units) and waited for my mom to visit...


...bringing a Starbucks low-fat muffin. No vitatops in this country, but these are really good! And something else my mom stuffed into the bag of clothes she brought in:


Thought of you veggiegirl! (I did a whole photo shoot and took about 25 pictures of this because I was so bored!)

Essential reading material:


Just for clarification since a couple people have asked, I want to explain a little more about why I was in hospital. Basically it was a brief psychotic episode which they originally THOUGHT was just anxiety, but are now convinced it is due to the diet pills I have been taking. I never thought diet pills could DO that, but apparently they can. I have been taking these for almost 2 years and only take half a dose- quite easily manage if I miss a few days and not quite sure why I have continued taking them. I guess it felt like some kind of...I don't know. Something I wasn't quite ready to let go of yet. I'm working hard on this now though since I cannot afford for another episode like this to happen! So please, if you DO take OTC diet aids and suffer from anxiety anyway, don't assume you are "getting away with it". I'm not going to preach about dangers or why you should stop, but just know that there are things going on in your body that you can't always see.

Stay True To You

...easier said than done when you don't really know who you are.

Just when I thought I had nothing to say, I have the urge, once again, to spill my thoughts onto virtual paper.

I've been thinking more and more about the post I wrote a few days ago- how I want, so badly, to fit in. I feel like a complete misfit most of the time. I don't fit in with "normal" people, I don't fit in with "sick" people. I'm somewhere in between starting recovery and being solidly in recovery, and it's lonely as hell.

Part of this is prompted by the pictures I have been taking of my food. I really want to have a food blog one day, and I'm not sure why. For a LONG time, I've been reading some of the food blogs that have been around for a couple of years and I really look up to these people as role models for what a "non-eating disordered" person eats in a day. Perhaps morbid curiosity, perhaps malnutrition-induced food obsession, or perhaps I just have a genuine passion about food/nutrition/life. I don't know at this point.

This is not a food blog.

As much as that is what I *want* one day, I'm not there yet. And I'm not going to pretend to be. I don't WANT to be viewed forever as "the anorexic who eats". I used to have major struggled with self-harm- it's NOT a part of my life anymore. I don't think about it, I don't read about it, my ears don't prick up when it's mentioned/brought up. It's a complete non-issue for me. I don't think I'll ever be that with with food and eating because there is no way around food in everyday life, but also because I've always been interested in food/eating/nutrition/cooking. My family love to eat, my parents love to cook. There has been a strong emphasis on food for my entire life, and I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Anorexia ISN'T, and this blog is about my journey towards recovery. It won't turn into a food blog- when I am at the stage where I am doing well and have a healthy relationship with food, I'll start a new blog.

I look up to a lot of the bloggers as role models- rarely comment on their blogs, but love hearing about their attitudes to their meals and their lives, the ups and downs that EVERYONE has, whether they have some emotional issues or not. Life is life, with all it's ups and downs. I've started commenting more on these blogs because that's what I am striving for: balance, moderation, a level of self-acceptance that I am okay with, a way to juggle the trials and tribulations that the world brings.

I am SO grateful for the people who take the time to read my blog and comment- you guys are great and I can't tell you how much it means that you have read and commented about the journey I am on, and to those of you who are travelling alongside me.

I spoke a few days ago about how I was feeling like I am relying too much on "blogosphere" for some kind of...i don't know. Something it can't be, because it's not fair to any bloggers and it's not fair to me. My blog is about my journey from "sick" to "well" and I need to keep reminding myself that it's NOT about how many responses I get/how much feedback I get/who has or hasn't commented. This isn't about any of YOU GUYS, it's about my own head twisting things around and turning my sole source of uninterrupted (by ED) place to talk openly and I can't let anorexia take over this space too.

I have received a few hurtful comments over the last few weeks here and that's kind of what's prompted this. the entire focus of my blog has changed over the last few months- a GOOD thing because it was more a kind of "woe is me/life is crappy/pity party" before and now I am really spilling my thoughts into good ol' blogspot. But I can't let it change into something I don't want it to BE. I can write for an audience (hell, it's what my jobs have been) but my blog isn't work. My blog is the thoughts and feelings and events that shape MY life, and I need to keep it that way.

I am still going to post pictures- probably food, maybe some other stuff. I am still going to read the same blogs, comment on the same ones I have been. I just wanted to write *something* to remind MYSELF what the purpose of my blog is, and I hope you DO continue reading and commenting because this is a lonely road and I know I'm not the only one walking down it.

Pushing Limits and Setting Boundaries

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was annoyed with myself for a few reasons, and worried about friends and that I had stepped on people's toes yesterday.

I got up around 5am and sat smoking and drinking coffee and thinking. I was reading my old posts from when I was very active in eating disorders message boards where there are a lot of people not even contemplating recovery, and the shift in focus on my blog when my attention was drawn to the more recovery orientated blogging community.

I guess I am scared that I look to blogs a little too much for support and motivation, and I am worried that MY recovery is going to be dependant on other people's. Of course, that will never work- I need to OWN my recovery and be doing it for ME. Doing it for myself isn't the same as doing it by myself and I need to figure out a way to set some boundaries with myself regarding where I draw the line between using support whilst still remaining independently recovering. Does that make any sense?..

This is definitely an issue I have struggled with in the past- doing what everyone around me is doing because...well, if they can do it, so can I. It's hard for me to separate myself from anyone/everyone around me, and do what is right for ME- especially when I am struggling and either looking for justification for my behaviour, or reason to change. It's also been hard for me to feel good about myself/where I am when I go down the road of comparing myself to people who I was at school with and are now doctors/lawyers/architects, married, happy.

Essentially I think the problem is that I have no idea who I am, what I want or where I am going and I'm trying too hard to fit in where I perhaps don't really belong. Part of this is the huge ambivalence I apparently have towards recovery- don't get me wrong, I WANT to be free from anorexia, but struggle a lot with giving up the behaviours. for this reason, I don't fit in with the friends I have that don't want to get well, and I don't fit in with the friends I have who are actively making changes because I'm somewhere in between.

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and give myself permission to eat/stop exercising/do XYZ because that is what my role models do and I really struggle to stay focused on my recovery when I see that the people I look up to are human too. And that's perfectly OKAY- the problem isn't THEM, it's my perception. I am fully aware of this.

This is not a criticism of anyone in particular, except myself- not even criticism so PLEASE don't see it that way. Merely an observance of my own thoughts, feelings, actions and a look at where I am right now. Food and weight issues aside, there is a hell of a lot of work I need to be doing with regards to recovery.

Anyway, onto my fun stuff...


Cheese is a bit of a "fear food" for me, so I decided I was going to incorporate it somehow into today's food. What did I come up with?

Apple cheddar oatmeal.

In the mix:

• 1/3 cup oats cooked in water
• apple
• cinnamon
• 1oz cheddar

I've never had apples with cheese before, but heard it was good- and it WAS! Love sweet + savoury combinations! Close up of the mixed-up cheesy goodness...


And due to Clif-burnout, a new snack :)



And finally, a quote I came across this morning...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

Choosing The Unbeaten Path

As part of my "intuitive eating" goal, I've been thinking a lot about the foods I used to eat pre-eating disorder in an attempt to get back in touch with the foods I genuinely enjoy. Of course, taste buds change over time (cold hot dogs no longer appeal!) but some of my old favourites still stand. A recent conversation with Lee also got me thinking about foods I ate in the depths of my eating disorder- not necessarily "disordered" foods per se, but in the context of my diet at the time, they certainly were. I shy away from these foods now because they remind me of a time when I was actively trying to destroy myself, and no matter how much I might still enjoy them, I can't shake off what they represent to me these days.

This has sparked a whole load of thoughts about the strong links between food and emotions, I think everyone can probably name certain foods that they see as comforting or that evoke certain memories (good or bad) and it's difficult to break away from that and see the food for all that it is, because it represents so much more.

Back to the intuitive eating goal, I am finding it really difficult to even KNOW what I enjoy eating. Taste, texture, etc- I am only now starting to rediscover my likes and dislikes and am trying to stay in the present moment and see it as "just a snack/meal" without thinking further into the last time I ate it/what else I ate that day/where I was in my disorder (or recovery) at the time. It's really HARD!

But, I think it ultimately comes down to CHOICE. I didn't choose to get sick, but I have choices now whether I push these memories aside and make new ones, whether I allow these memories/fears to dictate my choices or if I acknowledge the fear, bite the bullet and EAT IT ANYWAY. regardless of how I might feel during or after, regardless of what I ate for breakfast this time last year, regardless of whether it's raining/my ankle hurts/it's winter.

Recovery is a choice. A choice I have to consciously make, countless times every day. Each time my body sends me a signal saying it needs fuel/rest/exercise. Each time a thought pops into my head about calories, weight or the desire to fall headfirst into anorexia. I need to remind myself that I am CHOOSING to make healthy choices. It's not easy by any means and I can only hope that in time it will get easier.

I see it like this: imagine walking through a forest. You are walking down a beaten down path because it seems the obvious route. You know that it's potentially dangerous and going in the completely wrong direction, but it's the easier option that starting the arduous task of beating down your OWN path which will be hard work, but end up where you want to be going. So you start beating down your own path and start hiking. You get tired, you stray to the other a few times- but the more skilled you get at maneuvering your way through the branches and trees, the easier it gets. The thrill you then start getting from making a brand new path starts to outweigh the short-term benefit of the old path. Initially you need to really FORCE yourself to stick with your goal destination and keep ploughing down the trees...but over time, the old path holds no appeal.

So tell me: what path are you taking today, and what steps are you taking towards your destination?

On to pictures... :)



My beloved Bare Naked fruit and nut granola (I LOVE this stuff but can't get it in the UK so am rationing my sole bag for a once-a-week thing) with microwaved apple and fage...ah...




And, snackity-snack. I actually had a different bar in my hand, camera posed, then realised I wanted vanilla almond goodness! This is my LAST Luna sunrise bar- and damn, it was good! Things taste so much better when it's the specific thing you WANT!



And another collage I found whilst unpacking:



This is actually tiny (fits in my purse). I made it a few years ago when I was on a day program and struggling a lot- it opens up and on the left-hand side has a list of the "cons" of recovery and on the right-hand side is the "pros". I know it's important to focus on the "pros" but I also think it's important to recognise that anorexia has served a certain purpose for me, and it would be naive of me to just ignore that and pretend it isn't there. Because the cons DO exist (hence the ambivalence towards recovery for most sufferers at one point or another) and I think it's vital to look at and address these. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, it's all good :)

Fun and Felafel!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

Today's been a pretty typical Saturday for me. I went for my usual walk, went to the few grocery stores I frequent, and just did the same stuff I do every day. I was eating lunch and realised that it's been a REALLY long time since I did something "fun". I don't know if my definition of what is/isn't enjoyable is somewhat skewed by my eating disorder (I would opt for grocery shopping over a movie ANY day) but then the more I thought about it, the more I saw a connection between my interests and my isolation.

I have a hard time with concentration so don't do a lot of the things I used to love- movies, reading, etc. I don't actually do much with my time at ALL except food-related activities. I think I really need to make a concerted effort to start at least trying to incorporate new things into my life in an attempt to discover what is truly enjoyable for me. I also struggle with feeling guilty for having fun when I feel like I "should" be doing something more productive/constructive with my time than *gasp* daring to have fun. Anyone else struggle with this? I guess relaxing/enjoyment isn't high on my list of priorities because there is always something that seems more pressing to be doing... Whether it's cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry, I can't seem to switch off and just CHILL for 5 minutes to watch something on Youtube, never mind spend an afternoon going shopping and drinking coffee with friends.

Dancing is out for now, and exercise is probably not the best idea at this point, but I want to know what you do to relax and enjoy yourself? All ideas welcome- I move into my new place on Monday and it's a FRESH start and not going to be bogged down with eating disordered thoughts/activities ruling my days!

Having said that, I am having a LOT of fun with my camera. Yes, so far the majority of the pictures have been of food (which I promised myself I wouldn't do), but you know what? I'm okay with it for now. I think it's a positive thing for me to be putting more effort and thought into the presentation of my meals, and I am finding that by doing so, I am spending more time appreciating my food and having fun with my camera, rather than the usual guilt and anxiety that surrounds meals.

So, today's food...

Breakfast was my beloved cinnamon coffee (just regular coffee with lots of cinnamon and a splash of milk) and more baked oatmeal. I have no idea why it gets so frothy! Anyone else's do this?



Other eats included this GREAT felafel- it's a Morrocan inspired one from one of the big grocery stores here. Highly recommend it to any UK people out there- I love sweet + savoury combinations and the dried apricots in this are delicious :)



And as for the "plan not to plan", today's snack was a cookie dough balance bar- MUCH better than yesterday's Atkins cookie dough bar (though how wrong can you really go when it's COOKIE DOUGH?!)


Aaaaand...my disclaimer: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything I have eaten has been pictured. ;)

Keeping It In Perspective

I'm glad that you guys also found it helpful to think about all the amazing things our bodies are doing that we don't necessarily see or feel. Of course, a properly fueled car doesn't run and neither does a malnourished body- but really, our bodies don't care as much as our minds might lead us to believe whether we pick a meal one day that is ever-so-slightly more/less or one thing or another than our norm. I definitely preach that all foods are absolutely 'A-okay' in moderation, I just sometimes need to remind myself that this applies to me too! A slightly lower protein snack one day, or a slightly higher fat breakfast another day? It's all good. Our bodies benefit greatly from having a wide variety of foods and I am thinking that it's most definitely a GOOD thing to be branching out and broadening my horizon's a bit.

So in what form did that take today? I have pictures! PLEASE NOTE: this is NOT an all-inclusive list of my entire day's eats...just some of the things I ate whilst trying to listen to what I "wanted" more than selecting foods based on their nutritional profile!

A "breakfast cookie" a la ellie! Chopped and microwaved apple mixed with Branberry Muesli and Fage, and left to set in the fridge.


I'd planned to have an Amy's burrito for lunch, but last-minute executive decision resulted in a veggie burger (and yes, the bagel was as stale as it looks- am out of my usual bread and still attempting to use up food before I move on Monday!)


And as for how "plan not to plan" went, today's pick was...


As Veggiegirl would say, HOLY YUM! I love these bars- this is my favourite flavour, chocolate deluxe being a close second. I noticed a few other bloggers ate this yesterday too- great minds, people!

For those who asked about the baked oatmeal yesterday, Kath bakes hers in a round pan as far as I know, but I use a square one since our round ones aren't deep enough!

The Plan Not To Plan

Today was the first day of making a real effort to listen to what my body was saying when it came to selecting a snack this afternoon. So what did my body say? Why, peanut butter of course! An apple peanut butter bar to be precise:


I haven't seen these much in the blogging community, but I love them. I definitely prefer them to lara bars (don't hate!), though having said that, I didn't like it much the first time I tried it so maybe should give lara another go... This was a great snack and definitely filled my "what am I in the mood for?" criteria.

I am still playing with my camera whilst also making the most of my mom's oven whilst I am still here- my new place does have an oven, but I'm not sure how soon I'll figure it out. I swear, kitchen appliances seem to have personalities of their own and it takes me a while to get to "know" my cookers! Haha... So, courtesy of Kath, I made banana baked oatmeal.

Putting it together:

Post-bake:

Ta-da!..
Highly recommend this recipe- I've made it a few times and love it!

Manic Monday

I just got the phone call to say that I have been accepted into the supported housing project, and am moving in next Monday! I am so excited/nervous/happy. I won't see my apartment until I move in (eeek!) but I am sure it will be fine... Time will tell!

I have been playing around with my camera a little more- still trying to figure it out, but am getting there...

Copying the "bag tag" thing floating around blogosphere lately, this is the bag I use every day:


Contents include iPod, phone, wallet, house keys, buss pass and random scraps of paper! It's a Kathy Van Zeeland bag that I got it in Macy's after my beloved Urban Outfitters bag literally fell apart on the street when I was visiting NY in November!

More of my New York purchases! I am a HUGE protein bar fan, and there is a very limited selection here in the UK so I stock up whenever I visit! This is only part of my stash, but includes pureprotein bars, Clif (and mini Clifs!), cookie dough balance bars, mini promax bars, an Odwalla bar, keribars, larabars and hot 'n' healthy squares.


This is another place mat I have- I made it in treatment when I was 20 and it's covered with inspirational quotes/pictures. Not unlike Jaime's vision board- it was a great addition to the inpatient dining table for me!


And finally, a picture of my oh-so-pretty lunch! I'm not planning on posting all my meals and snacks, but a few won't hurt ;) This is low-fat egg salad on a wholewheat English muffin (made in Scotland- does it still count as "English"?) and salad with honey mustard dressing.

I have never really made eggs except in baking or occasional recipes and always think I don't like them much- then am surprised when I *do* eat them, quite how much I enjoy them!

Also, please check out Lindsay's post- she's been doing daily posts with the theme of "loving yourself" and today's summary/wrap up makes great reading!

What's Normal Anyway?..

This has been on my mind for quite some time, more so the last few weeks...

As the title of my blog suggests, and as I explained in my introductory post, I was very into dancing at one point. I started when I was 20- initially to accompany a friend who was too shy to go herself, and I fell in love. Over the few years that followed, my passion grew and I attended more and more classes. It was hard to define what was healthy for *me*- it gave me a reason to nourish my body, maintain some semblance of "health" and let me see my body in a new light (in terms of what it was capable of, as opposed to merely what it looked like). There were definitely periods when it was more an anorexia-driven compulsion- I would "let" myself eat if I danced. I worked with my treatment team to try to keep up with dancing as it was the first "hobby" I had had...double-edged sword and they also had a hard time figuring out when it was a good idea for me to dance, and when it wasn't.

I sustained a few injuries when I relapsed pretty badly in 2006. My muscles weren't strong enough to support my bones, and the classes became too exhausting and definitely weren't for fun anymore. I pretty much stopped dancing completely as my health declined. I don't know if NOT dancing made things worse for me, but I was too depressed/deep in anorexia to feed the creative part of me that loved dancing so much.

Since then, my health has been up and down. I've taken a few classes as I've moved around, but never 1) found a studio/class that I really enjoyed, and 2) never managed to find that love of dancing that was once there.

(I am rambling, but am getting to my point!)

Anyway, about 2 years ago I stumbled across a food blog. For those of you not familiar with them, there are bloggers out there who show photos/post recipes of what they eat. The first one I found was a registered dietitian and this blog was part of her job. It FASCINATED me to see what "normal" people eat. Part of this is, no doubt, my obsession with food/nutrition. The other part is definitely sheer curiosity of how someone without an eating disorder fuels their body whilst going about living their life. Over time, these blogs have grown more and more widespread and my obsession has grown. They have been real eye-openers to read- I've spent so much time obsessing over my own food intake, or in hospital on "prescribed" diets that I really had no concept of what is normal in a world outwith my anorexic bubble. I now have about 40 blogs bookmarked, over half of which I read daily. I know the ins and outs of their every day lives. I know about the "barney butter" obsessions, the oatmeal creations, the holiday eats, the family occasions. It has helped me to widen my food choices, try new things- I do THINK about these blogs when I am making my meals/snacks and I do add/change/try ideas I would never have the courage to do without knowing there was someone out there doing the same thing.

A common theme on the majority of these blogs is exercise. I generally skim over the working out parts- I don't belong to a gym, I've never gone running and I don't think I could even identify an elliptical machine in a line up :P It wasn't until recently that I noticed quite how much exercise these people do, and quite how often. Working out for 2 hours a day? Running 7-10 miles a day? Woah. I don't know anyone in "real" life who does this. I get chastised for my long power-walks, but these people get admiration (so they should- hell, I can't lift 30lb weights and do 3 spinning classes in a day!)

But now I am wondering what is normal after all, and I am really confused. Does everyone do this much exercise? Do these bloggers eat the amounts they do ONLY because they exercise, or does their love of exercise fuel their desire to be healthy? Do they enjoy it? Do they even consider whether or not they enjoy it?..

I know if I joined a gym, I would do what I always do and give it 110%, setting crazy goals for myself and either giving up completely too soon to achieve them, or run myself into the ground (literally) and relapsing.

How do these people manage eating, exercise and their jobs/work/relaxation stuff on top of everything else? How do they keep it all balanced?

Or, is it not balanced/"normal" at all?..