Reclaiming Power

Two choices.

ED thought: either act on it, or ignore it.

Act on it = it comes back again, stronger and harder to resist

Don't act on it = it comes back again, maybe stronger at first, but then softer and softer until it has NO power over me

I don't know if the thoughts and urges I have will ever go away completely. I don't know if I'll ever LOVE my body or fully be able to relax around food all the time. But I am striving towards a freedom I don't have.

I DO believe that I'll be able to eat cake on my own birthday, feel good in a pair of jeans, not weigh myself constantly. That I'll reach some level of trust with my body, my appetite, my surroundings. Why? Because those things are within MY control. I can choose whether I spend 4 hours walking, or I can choose to sit with the feelings that come up if I DON'T walk. Either way, there are consequences...either feeling crappy mentally, or feeling crappy physically. The difference being that if I DO walk, I then have to do it again tomorrow, more the next day. If I don't? I sit around feeling guilty and lazy. Tomorrow maybe worse. This time next week, I see I have survived. The world is still turning. Nothing drastic has changed except I have taken that little bit more power back.

Update on walking: I woke up this morning, jumped out of bed and something did not feel right. Not the mild pain I have been ignoring all week, but an inability to actually make it down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure if it's from the cold, the bad shoes, old stress fractures or WHAT (I'll go see my doc later this week) but I LISTENED TO MY BODY AND RESTED. I was anxious, but I am dealing with it. Not comfortably, but c'est la vie. The benefits of not walking today far outweigh the cons and I'm NOT going to feel bad for taking a day to rest and recover. YEAH!