Two choices.
ED thought: either act on it, or ignore it.
Act on it = it comes back again, stronger and harder to resist
Don't act on it = it comes back again, maybe stronger at first, but then softer and softer until it has NO power over me
I don't know if the thoughts and urges I have will ever go away completely. I don't know if I'll ever LOVE my body or fully be able to relax around food all the time. But I am striving towards a freedom I don't have.
I DO believe that I'll be able to eat cake on my own birthday, feel good in a pair of jeans, not weigh myself constantly. That I'll reach some level of trust with my body, my appetite, my surroundings. Why? Because those things are within MY control. I can choose whether I spend 4 hours walking, or I can choose to sit with the feelings that come up if I DON'T walk. Either way, there are consequences...either feeling crappy mentally, or feeling crappy physically. The difference being that if I DO walk, I then have to do it again tomorrow, more the next day. If I don't? I sit around feeling guilty and lazy. Tomorrow maybe worse. This time next week, I see I have survived. The world is still turning. Nothing drastic has changed except I have taken that little bit more power back.
Update on walking: I woke up this morning, jumped out of bed and something did not feel right. Not the mild pain I have been ignoring all week, but an inability to actually make it down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure if it's from the cold, the bad shoes, old stress fractures or WHAT (I'll go see my doc later this week) but I LISTENED TO MY BODY AND RESTED. I was anxious, but I am dealing with it. Not comfortably, but c'est la vie. The benefits of not walking today far outweigh the cons and I'm NOT going to feel bad for taking a day to rest and recover. YEAH!
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Monday, 9 February 2009
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Ploughing Through Building Blocks- What's That? I Missed Some?
I feel like I have been kidding myself all week. I thought I was doing so well- busting through the roadblocks my mind throws up when I think about eating certain foods, the stupid rules I have about different foods/meals/snacks. It's all been going smoothly. Too smoothly. Maybe that in itself should have been a warning sign to me... I don't know. I think sometimes I get a little too excited about things going well and ignore other symptoms/behaviours cropping up. I feel kind of stupid for not noticing this until tonight.
I think I've mentioned before about my walking. I've been further and further lately- after randomly inputting my walks into "Map My Run", the walks have gotten longer/faster (no big surprise there, right?..) The weather this week has been particularly horrible, yet my walking has continued. My boots literally fell apart in the snow and I took them off to walk in just my socks. I have my class tomorrow morning and therapy Tuesday morning- the biggest thing on my mind about both of these is, "how will I fit in my walking?".
Stupid ED rules. Need to be home by 12 if I am going to have lunch, which means that if my morning is taken up with class/appointments, I need to leave at a crazy hour to have enough time to fit in my walk. It's only tonight when I was getting my bag packed for class that I had my, "AHA!" moment. You would have thought that a toenail falling off and my feet being literally bruised would have been a signal, no?
I am so frustrated right now. I really thought things were going WELL- and they *are*. I'm not going to discredit the attempts I have made this week with regards to food/meals/eating, because it's been a significant challenge and I HAVE made progress. But now I don't know if it was even real progress to begin with, or if I was just switching symptoms, or walking to ignore the anxiety that came up with changing my eating.
How do you guys deal with the anxiety that comes up when you are challenging eating disordered fears?..
In other news, I am really excited about the secret cupid valentine exchange- I mailed mine last week and am looking forward to it being received and posted on this person's blog! (YOUR blog...no, YOU...no YOU!!! Hehe...)
I think I've mentioned before about my walking. I've been further and further lately- after randomly inputting my walks into "Map My Run", the walks have gotten longer/faster (no big surprise there, right?..) The weather this week has been particularly horrible, yet my walking has continued. My boots literally fell apart in the snow and I took them off to walk in just my socks. I have my class tomorrow morning and therapy Tuesday morning- the biggest thing on my mind about both of these is, "how will I fit in my walking?".
Stupid ED rules. Need to be home by 12 if I am going to have lunch, which means that if my morning is taken up with class/appointments, I need to leave at a crazy hour to have enough time to fit in my walk. It's only tonight when I was getting my bag packed for class that I had my, "AHA!" moment. You would have thought that a toenail falling off and my feet being literally bruised would have been a signal, no?
I am so frustrated right now. I really thought things were going WELL- and they *are*. I'm not going to discredit the attempts I have made this week with regards to food/meals/eating, because it's been a significant challenge and I HAVE made progress. But now I don't know if it was even real progress to begin with, or if I was just switching symptoms, or walking to ignore the anxiety that came up with changing my eating.
How do you guys deal with the anxiety that comes up when you are challenging eating disordered fears?..
In other news, I am really excited about the secret cupid valentine exchange- I mailed mine last week and am looking forward to it being received and posted on this person's blog! (YOUR blog...no, YOU...no YOU!!! Hehe...)
Saturday, 17 January 2009
What's Normal Anyway?..
This has been on my mind for quite some time, more so the last few weeks...
As the title of my blog suggests, and as I explained in my introductory post, I was very into dancing at one point. I started when I was 20- initially to accompany a friend who was too shy to go herself, and I fell in love. Over the few years that followed, my passion grew and I attended more and more classes. It was hard to define what was healthy for *me*- it gave me a reason to nourish my body, maintain some semblance of "health" and let me see my body in a new light (in terms of what it was capable of, as opposed to merely what it looked like). There were definitely periods when it was more an anorexia-driven compulsion- I would "let" myself eat if I danced. I worked with my treatment team to try to keep up with dancing as it was the first "hobby" I had had...double-edged sword and they also had a hard time figuring out when it was a good idea for me to dance, and when it wasn't.
I sustained a few injuries when I relapsed pretty badly in 2006. My muscles weren't strong enough to support my bones, and the classes became too exhausting and definitely weren't for fun anymore. I pretty much stopped dancing completely as my health declined. I don't know if NOT dancing made things worse for me, but I was too depressed/deep in anorexia to feed the creative part of me that loved dancing so much.
Since then, my health has been up and down. I've taken a few classes as I've moved around, but never 1) found a studio/class that I really enjoyed, and 2) never managed to find that love of dancing that was once there.
(I am rambling, but am getting to my point!)
Anyway, about 2 years ago I stumbled across a food blog. For those of you not familiar with them, there are bloggers out there who show photos/post recipes of what they eat. The first one I found was a registered dietitian and this blog was part of her job. It FASCINATED me to see what "normal" people eat. Part of this is, no doubt, my obsession with food/nutrition. The other part is definitely sheer curiosity of how someone without an eating disorder fuels their body whilst going about living their life. Over time, these blogs have grown more and more widespread and my obsession has grown. They have been real eye-openers to read- I've spent so much time obsessing over my own food intake, or in hospital on "prescribed" diets that I really had no concept of what is normal in a world outwith my anorexic bubble. I now have about 40 blogs bookmarked, over half of which I read daily. I know the ins and outs of their every day lives. I know about the "barney butter" obsessions, the oatmeal creations, the holiday eats, the family occasions. It has helped me to widen my food choices, try new things- I do THINK about these blogs when I am making my meals/snacks and I do add/change/try ideas I would never have the courage to do without knowing there was someone out there doing the same thing.
A common theme on the majority of these blogs is exercise. I generally skim over the working out parts- I don't belong to a gym, I've never gone running and I don't think I could even identify an elliptical machine in a line up :P It wasn't until recently that I noticed quite how much exercise these people do, and quite how often. Working out for 2 hours a day? Running 7-10 miles a day? Woah. I don't know anyone in "real" life who does this. I get chastised for my long power-walks, but these people get admiration (so they should- hell, I can't lift 30lb weights and do 3 spinning classes in a day!)
But now I am wondering what is normal after all, and I am really confused. Does everyone do this much exercise? Do these bloggers eat the amounts they do ONLY because they exercise, or does their love of exercise fuel their desire to be healthy? Do they enjoy it? Do they even consider whether or not they enjoy it?..
I know if I joined a gym, I would do what I always do and give it 110%, setting crazy goals for myself and either giving up completely too soon to achieve them, or run myself into the ground (literally) and relapsing.
How do these people manage eating, exercise and their jobs/work/relaxation stuff on top of everything else? How do they keep it all balanced?
Or, is it not balanced/"normal" at all?..
As the title of my blog suggests, and as I explained in my introductory post, I was very into dancing at one point. I started when I was 20- initially to accompany a friend who was too shy to go herself, and I fell in love. Over the few years that followed, my passion grew and I attended more and more classes. It was hard to define what was healthy for *me*- it gave me a reason to nourish my body, maintain some semblance of "health" and let me see my body in a new light (in terms of what it was capable of, as opposed to merely what it looked like). There were definitely periods when it was more an anorexia-driven compulsion- I would "let" myself eat if I danced. I worked with my treatment team to try to keep up with dancing as it was the first "hobby" I had had...double-edged sword and they also had a hard time figuring out when it was a good idea for me to dance, and when it wasn't.
I sustained a few injuries when I relapsed pretty badly in 2006. My muscles weren't strong enough to support my bones, and the classes became too exhausting and definitely weren't for fun anymore. I pretty much stopped dancing completely as my health declined. I don't know if NOT dancing made things worse for me, but I was too depressed/deep in anorexia to feed the creative part of me that loved dancing so much.
Since then, my health has been up and down. I've taken a few classes as I've moved around, but never 1) found a studio/class that I really enjoyed, and 2) never managed to find that love of dancing that was once there.
(I am rambling, but am getting to my point!)
Anyway, about 2 years ago I stumbled across a food blog. For those of you not familiar with them, there are bloggers out there who show photos/post recipes of what they eat. The first one I found was a registered dietitian and this blog was part of her job. It FASCINATED me to see what "normal" people eat. Part of this is, no doubt, my obsession with food/nutrition. The other part is definitely sheer curiosity of how someone without an eating disorder fuels their body whilst going about living their life. Over time, these blogs have grown more and more widespread and my obsession has grown. They have been real eye-openers to read- I've spent so much time obsessing over my own food intake, or in hospital on "prescribed" diets that I really had no concept of what is normal in a world outwith my anorexic bubble. I now have about 40 blogs bookmarked, over half of which I read daily. I know the ins and outs of their every day lives. I know about the "barney butter" obsessions, the oatmeal creations, the holiday eats, the family occasions. It has helped me to widen my food choices, try new things- I do THINK about these blogs when I am making my meals/snacks and I do add/change/try ideas I would never have the courage to do without knowing there was someone out there doing the same thing.
A common theme on the majority of these blogs is exercise. I generally skim over the working out parts- I don't belong to a gym, I've never gone running and I don't think I could even identify an elliptical machine in a line up :P It wasn't until recently that I noticed quite how much exercise these people do, and quite how often. Working out for 2 hours a day? Running 7-10 miles a day? Woah. I don't know anyone in "real" life who does this. I get chastised for my long power-walks, but these people get admiration (so they should- hell, I can't lift 30lb weights and do 3 spinning classes in a day!)
But now I am wondering what is normal after all, and I am really confused. Does everyone do this much exercise? Do these bloggers eat the amounts they do ONLY because they exercise, or does their love of exercise fuel their desire to be healthy? Do they enjoy it? Do they even consider whether or not they enjoy it?..
I know if I joined a gym, I would do what I always do and give it 110%, setting crazy goals for myself and either giving up completely too soon to achieve them, or run myself into the ground (literally) and relapsing.
How do these people manage eating, exercise and their jobs/work/relaxation stuff on top of everything else? How do they keep it all balanced?
Or, is it not balanced/"normal" at all?..
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