I must have written and rewritten this post about fifteen times by now.
I received news yesterday that a friend from treatment passed away yesterday. I'm not ready to talk about it at this moment, but I did feel a need to say something.
I know most of my readers are waging their own wars against their eating disorders right now. I beg you, to KEEP on battling. To carry on with this fight for your life, because if you don't- who will? We don't need to do this alone, but ultimately, the demons are within us. It's up to us to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and make the choices necessary to move beyond this horrible illness. The results of listening to that voice in your head is beyond tragic- either ending in death, or a tortured existence. Nobody deserves to be trapped in an eating disordered life. Nobody chooses to be afflicted with an eating disorder- but we, as sufferers, CAN fight our way out of this. Hell, I don't know right now if I even believe this. There are so many unanswered questions in my head right now and I don't know if I am making sense right now.
All I know is the statistics. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition. 20% of sufferers I die. I look around my friends who struggle with eating disorders, and thought of losing anyone, is heart wrenching. I have lost too many friends to this, and I can't even contemplate the thought of losing more. I doubt these people ever realised quite how much they meant to their friends and family... I question my own value to MY friends and family.
Right now I am questioning whether death is inevitable, whether recovery is even possible, whether this is all that there really is.
Deep down, I know that what I *really* believe is that nobody is destined to lose the battle they are facing. Everyone has a fighting chance, and if you grab it and FIGHT LIKE HELL, the odds of winning are in your favour. So I ask this of you, of ALL of you, to never back down. To fight and fight and fight until your eating disorder is obliterated. Face fear in the face and LAUGH. Acknowledge that voice in your head telling you to restrict/purge/exercise and IGNORE IT. Set challenges each and every day- take every opportunity you get to leap towards a life free from this hell.
Why?
Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to be free.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
"Live like you were dying..."
Recent events have got me thinking. The topic of death has come up in my life more than I care to think about over the last few months- kind of put things in perspective a little. Most of these people had no warning, no time to say goodbye, to prepare. I've been left feeling kind of numb an analytical over the whole situation (it's complicated and I won't go into it right now).
Death is a rather taboo topic. Something people seem scared of discussing. I don't know where the fear stems from- death is the only thing certain in life. Time is the only variable, and there isn't crystal ball you can look in and know exactly when/where/how. Perhaps that's what is so scary- how unpredictable it is.
It's made me think about how I spend my days, and how any given day could be my last. There's no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow, next week, in a month's time. I don't know how I would feel or react if I was told I was going to die- I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for that kind of news. I don't know... I know that if I died tomorrow, there are countless things that I would have liked to do, thing I have wanted to say, people I have wanted to spend more time with. I want to say that starting now it's going to be different, that I'll live each day as if it's my last- and as cliche as that sounds, I would want it to be true. The reality is that I'll probably never get around to saying those words out loud, making the time I should for the people I want to be with, following through with the plans/goals I have for my life.
I'll go back to burying my head in the sand, pretending I'm immortal and spend the rest of my days building up a mental list of "things to do before I die".
This all sounds rather morbid. I have no intention of dying anytime soon. But at the same time, neither do I see myself living forevermore. Life is really rather daunting. I like to take things as they come and focus on small, rather irrelevant, things rather than the panic about the potentially long and arduous future ahead of me.
It doesn't have to be arduous. It doesn't have to be daunting. In some ways, knowing I could die at any given time is a rather freeing train of thought to follow... But still, whilst I am alive and kicking, I feel I should be making more of my time here.
Death is a rather taboo topic. Something people seem scared of discussing. I don't know where the fear stems from- death is the only thing certain in life. Time is the only variable, and there isn't crystal ball you can look in and know exactly when/where/how. Perhaps that's what is so scary- how unpredictable it is.
It's made me think about how I spend my days, and how any given day could be my last. There's no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow, next week, in a month's time. I don't know how I would feel or react if I was told I was going to die- I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for that kind of news. I don't know... I know that if I died tomorrow, there are countless things that I would have liked to do, thing I have wanted to say, people I have wanted to spend more time with. I want to say that starting now it's going to be different, that I'll live each day as if it's my last- and as cliche as that sounds, I would want it to be true. The reality is that I'll probably never get around to saying those words out loud, making the time I should for the people I want to be with, following through with the plans/goals I have for my life.
I'll go back to burying my head in the sand, pretending I'm immortal and spend the rest of my days building up a mental list of "things to do before I die".
This all sounds rather morbid. I have no intention of dying anytime soon. But at the same time, neither do I see myself living forevermore. Life is really rather daunting. I like to take things as they come and focus on small, rather irrelevant, things rather than the panic about the potentially long and arduous future ahead of me.
It doesn't have to be arduous. It doesn't have to be daunting. In some ways, knowing I could die at any given time is a rather freeing train of thought to follow... But still, whilst I am alive and kicking, I feel I should be making more of my time here.
"Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what�d you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?
Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
what�d you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?
Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying"
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