Keep The Faith

Thank you so much for your support yesterday! I woke up today still feeling really down and decided I had 2 choices- I could hide away from the world and just sit under the 'cloud' or I could force myself to act "as if" and go about the things I had planned for the day. It was a tough call! I sat for 2 hours trying to come up with an excuse for not going to work, then realised that I *did* sit with my feelings yesterday. I got through the day, but didn't feel better this morning. So time for a different tactic: I put on a happy face (and a DRESS!) and went to work. Sunshine + being around 'normal' people + feeling productive/useful = much better mood. Result!



Onto today...

I've been thinking about what feels so different this attempt at recovery because I am certainly facing different challenges than I have encountered before. The big difference is that this time I am NOT trying to recovery because of some concrete goal I have in mind- every other time my primary motivation has been because I wanted to move back to New York. A great goal, but my recovery has always been based on something not entirely within my control and the problem with that is that if/when the external world gets shaky (as it often does- it's LIFE), my recovery falls apart. This time my motivation for recovery is different- I am recovering because I am sick of my eating disorder. That doesn't make it easier- in some ways, it's harder. I can't stick up photos of New York around my apartment, I can't picture anything solid in my head when I have urges to restrict... I have to just hold on to HOPE rather than something tangible like a clear image of the life I want. Because I don't KNOW what kind of life I want- I just know that anorexia isn't it.. I need to sit with the uncertainty, accept that anorexia has put blinkers on my vision and just cling to the belief that recovery has more to offer than anorexia does. Which I do truly believe, but I still sometimes think it would be easier to justify eating/being healthy if there was something more 'solid' to give that justification.

I guess I am taking a leap of faith. Hoping and believing that recovery has more to offer even if I don't know what that 'more' is, whilst knowing that anorexia is doing nothing more than making me trapped. I don't NEED answers right now. I want answers and conclusions and everything mapped out in a nice strategic plan- it doesn't work like that. All I can do is live the questions and find the answers along the way...

**********

Food...


You know the drill- banana pumpkin oats with white chocolate peanut butter. This never gets old!

Lunch was one of my new wraps- which I managed it wrap without it falling apart! (Are you impressed Jaime? :P )

Curried chicken salad (with raisins + dried apricots) and spinach on Joseph's lavash flat bread. LOVED it- I am a little obsessed with wraps. I like stuff that is 'fun' to eat... textures, shapes, etc.

Snack was a mini chocolate chip Clif bar with white chocolate peanut butter.


These were to be used by May 8th- I know some of you said bars are good for a while after the 'used by' dates, but I am terrified of food poisoning so adhere pretty rigidly to dates on food. I have one more bar to be used ASAP! Do you stick to the dates on food? I usually just make sure I use things up or throw it away, but I hate wasting food and hadn't noticed the dates on these in time- this is living on the edge' for me!

Elements Of Choice

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the element of choice when it comes to eating disorders. It seems we are all in agreement that nobody CHOOSES to develop an eating disorder- things happen, consequences occur. Whatever the reasons behind developing an eating disorder (or ANY kind of illness), bottom line is that nobody opted to get into this situation. I have often wondered, "why me?" but that doesn't get me far- stuff happened and I dealt with it as best as I could. I didn't make a conscious decision to develop anorexia, the same way people don't choose to get sick for other reasons, but I think eating disorders are different in that you can choose recovery. Not easily- wanting it doesn't make it suddenly any easier. I feel like I am having to choose recovery over anorexia several times a day- I hope it gets easier until there is no internal battle going on and healthy choices come more naturally, but right now it's a constant "anorexia V recovery" battle going on in my head.

Something that is helping me right now is seeing the difference between "can't" and "won't". For YEARS I have avoided doing things because I felt I "couldn't"- there was no question about it. It just wasn't something I could manage doing. Changing the wording to "won't" feels empowering because all of a sudden, I am back in the driving seat- I am CHOOSING not to, which immediately gives me the option of choosing TO do whatever it is. "I can't eat suchandsuch a food/can't do X without doing Y"- switching it to, "I WON'T do xxx" then forces me to question what's stopping me, and making me question/challenge what it is I am choosing to do/not to do.

Thoughts on this?..

Onto food...

I CHOSE to cook last night :)


Butter beans in tomato sauce with mashed potato and steamed spinach. This was a recipe given to me years ago in treatment for when I went on a home visit for the weekend- I 've made it a lot over the years and it seems to be something I gravitate towards when I've been struggling but feel ready to take on the challenge of making a "proper" home-cooked meal. I LOVE beans in any way/shape/form- anyone got some easy bean recipes they would recommend?

Except with breakfast, because I love my breakfast foods :)

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, on top of frozen blueberries and white chocolate wonder peanut butter. Left to defrost/soak overnight and mixed together this morning. I'll spare you the picture of the 'mess' that greeted me this morning, but rest assured it tasted great!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Pendulum Swings and Limbo

First of all, I want to say how much I appreciate your comments and kind thoughts on yesterday's post. I have been reading through them today sporadically, and it's been such a comfort to me to feel less alone with this.

Today has been a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, from one extreme to the other. I know there is no "right" way to feel right now, but I am swamped with guilt around some of the thoughts I have been having right now.

One minute I am thinking, "I wish it was me". A horrible thing to admit to- I am NOT suicidal, but I guess there is a big part of me that just wants a way out of this. I don't want to say it's the "easy way out" because I don't think anyone, my amazing friend included, would take such a decision so lightly and without thought, but having it brought 'home' somehow makes it seem like... I don't know. Not an "option" per se, but a little less of "one of those things you read about in newspapers".

Then there is this other part of me that is SO grateful to not be in that place right now. I'm stuck and I'm struggling, but I'm looking for answers, solutions, ways forward, rather than embracing the dark shadows around me. I am grateful that I didn't succeed in my last suicide attempt, grateful that I *have* what I have- ie, a chance to make things better. I don't know how or when or what that will look like, but as long as I am alive and relatively well, I have more than a fighting chance of making a life for myself.

The moments of wishing it was me are fleeting but disturbing. More disturbing due to the sheer contrast between the other thoughts about using this to really throw myself headfirst into recovery and leave this behind. Using it as fuel to fight the fire that anorexia burns, using it as momentum to swing things around and start embracing life in all it's (albeit hideous at times) glory.

Torn between darkness and light, torn between wanting to stand up and say, "Enough- I am reclaiming my LIFE" and lying down just thinking about all the people this disease claims as it's own, and wondering why I should even entertain the notion that my future won't be the same.

It's scary to think about the statistics of eating disorders- the percentage that die, the percentage that struggle for the rest of their lives. It doesn't make a pretty picture to look at the charts and tables, the graphs and results, the data, the evidence, the research studies.

But you know what? F*** it. These studies only look at small pieces of evidence. YES, eating disorders kill. Either directly as a result of the behaviour, or more subtly by eroding the soul until suicide seems like the only viable option. And I don't believe it's just a choice of recovery/sickness. I really think people make the best choice they have, based on the options they see in front of them.

So what do I see?

I see a blank canvas. I have dreams of living back in New York one day. As soon as possible. It will always be where I call "home" and it's heartbreaking for me to not be there- but it's one of my main motivations for recovery and I'm not going to get dragged down by the fact that I am NOT there, because that blocks me from taking the steps to get there.

What else do I want?

I want freedom from my rituals and obsessions. I want to be spontaneous- to grab dinner somewhere just because I am hungry and need to eat on my way to do something. I want to have friends I can meet for brunch, go to comedy clubs with, go to bookstores with, wander around and take goofy photos with. I want to go to people's houses for dinner, take day trips to the beach. I want a regular-houred office job that I LIKE (or at least, not hate), but that doesn't define who *I* am. No more "Devil Wears Prada" scenarios, but something I feel good about doing, something that interests me, something that pays enough to not have to work 16 hour days and still barely cover my rent. I want to discover what it means to me to be close to someone, to share my time and thoughts with someone who is interested in me as more than a client/patient. Someone who makes me laugh but can take me seriously when I need them to. Someone who likes falling asleep at night watching "Scrubs" and looks forward to a big cup of hazelnut coffee in the morning. I want to go on bike rides on Sunday mornings, visit farmers markets, go to swing parks and night and rock back and forth looking at the stars. I want to go camping and fall over in muddy puddles, walk in the rain and gather round a campfire at night drinking hot chocolate.

I want so much more than what anorexia will ever give me, but ultimately it comes down to this: do I want all of that more than I want to be thin?

Yes. The problem I have is believing that by giving up the body/weight control, I'll have a chance at creating the life I want. It's NOT possible to have it both ways. To "not have the cake and not eat it either" :P There is this horrible limbo period at the start of recovery, when it feels as though you are giving up the "good" parts of the eating disorder, but yet to reap any of the benefits of recovery. They come later. Much later.

How do I hold onto the bigger dreams I have for my life, whilst living through the limbo?..

Growing Up

As much as I want the FREEDOM I talked about in yesterday's post, there is obviously something holding me back. I don't know quite what it is that makes it so difficult to give up my eating disorder, as much as I want to, but there must be SOME kind of pay-off to being sick.

Perhaps it's partly habit- in terms of eating, exercise, food choices, etc. I have been stuck in patterns for so long that breaking out of the pattern feels strange and almost unnecessary (ie, why would I eat more when I am comfortable with my current intake/why would I gain weight when I am *just* accepting of the size I am now?)

But I am pretty sure there is more.

Something about facing up to life, to myself, to the world, without hiding behind my behaviours or appearance is terrifying. Life confuses me. The unpredictability, the constant changes and need to adapt, the whirlwind of emotions in everyday life, never mind the extra turmoil that major events cause. Seemingly small stresses overwhelm me- a part-time job, going out for lunch, paying bills. I feel like I am still the same 12 year old I was when this all started. As if the hands of time stopped in my internal world, leaving my completely unable to "just deal".

Of course, restricting, overexercising, bouncing in and out of hospital, etc hasn't helped the situation. The less I eat, the more overwhelmed I get, the narrower my vision gets, the less capable I am of coping with day to day life.

I know this. And yet I continue to retreat into what is familiar and predictable as soon as life gets "too much" (by "too much", I mean I stop hiding and face up to the responsibilities of adulthood and realise, I don't know what the hell I am doing- I think a lot of people probably feel the same and make it up as they go along...at least, that's what I tell myself!)

There is also the very real fear of being just as screwed up emotionally/mentally at a healthier weight, but due to looking "normal", not getting any support/help with it. The times I HAVE been at a healthier weight have been when my mood swings have been out of control, my urges to self-harm have been through the roof, and barring the suicide attempt I made last year, all the others have been when, to the outside world, I looked "healthy".

Remaining in my anorexic body is, in a way, how I can communicate and say, "I'm not doing so well". But on the other hand, I cope with things so much better when I have the starvation-induced numbness. Because I don't feel so deeply. I don't have to think about what I want to do with my life, worry about the world/my place in it/how it all comes together because all I care about is food/eating/weight.

I want a bigger life? I need to buy some bigger jeans.

So do I *want* a bigger life? Yes. Without a doubt. I want the freedom back that I wrote about yesterday, I want to sparkle and shine and have a true purpose and meaning to my days beyond that false satisfaction and security that anorexia gives me.

It's just so complicated. I don't know HOW to actually change things. How to literally scrap the life I have created for myself where there are a zillion rules and regulations, habits and compulsions, rituals and obsessions. How to create a life worth living, how to deal with life the way people my age do. How to eat properly regardless of what size jeans I am wearing, how to exercise in an appropriate way, how to fill my time, how to be ME, in a world where I have experienced all but a few months of adulthood as a patient/anorexic/crazy person.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anais Nin

Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Nin, Anaise

Choosing The Unbeaten Path

As part of my "intuitive eating" goal, I've been thinking a lot about the foods I used to eat pre-eating disorder in an attempt to get back in touch with the foods I genuinely enjoy. Of course, taste buds change over time (cold hot dogs no longer appeal!) but some of my old favourites still stand. A recent conversation with Lee also got me thinking about foods I ate in the depths of my eating disorder- not necessarily "disordered" foods per se, but in the context of my diet at the time, they certainly were. I shy away from these foods now because they remind me of a time when I was actively trying to destroy myself, and no matter how much I might still enjoy them, I can't shake off what they represent to me these days.

This has sparked a whole load of thoughts about the strong links between food and emotions, I think everyone can probably name certain foods that they see as comforting or that evoke certain memories (good or bad) and it's difficult to break away from that and see the food for all that it is, because it represents so much more.

Back to the intuitive eating goal, I am finding it really difficult to even KNOW what I enjoy eating. Taste, texture, etc- I am only now starting to rediscover my likes and dislikes and am trying to stay in the present moment and see it as "just a snack/meal" without thinking further into the last time I ate it/what else I ate that day/where I was in my disorder (or recovery) at the time. It's really HARD!

But, I think it ultimately comes down to CHOICE. I didn't choose to get sick, but I have choices now whether I push these memories aside and make new ones, whether I allow these memories/fears to dictate my choices or if I acknowledge the fear, bite the bullet and EAT IT ANYWAY. regardless of how I might feel during or after, regardless of what I ate for breakfast this time last year, regardless of whether it's raining/my ankle hurts/it's winter.

Recovery is a choice. A choice I have to consciously make, countless times every day. Each time my body sends me a signal saying it needs fuel/rest/exercise. Each time a thought pops into my head about calories, weight or the desire to fall headfirst into anorexia. I need to remind myself that I am CHOOSING to make healthy choices. It's not easy by any means and I can only hope that in time it will get easier.

I see it like this: imagine walking through a forest. You are walking down a beaten down path because it seems the obvious route. You know that it's potentially dangerous and going in the completely wrong direction, but it's the easier option that starting the arduous task of beating down your OWN path which will be hard work, but end up where you want to be going. So you start beating down your own path and start hiking. You get tired, you stray to the other a few times- but the more skilled you get at maneuvering your way through the branches and trees, the easier it gets. The thrill you then start getting from making a brand new path starts to outweigh the short-term benefit of the old path. Initially you need to really FORCE yourself to stick with your goal destination and keep ploughing down the trees...but over time, the old path holds no appeal.

So tell me: what path are you taking today, and what steps are you taking towards your destination?

On to pictures... :)



My beloved Bare Naked fruit and nut granola (I LOVE this stuff but can't get it in the UK so am rationing my sole bag for a once-a-week thing) with microwaved apple and fage...ah...




And, snackity-snack. I actually had a different bar in my hand, camera posed, then realised I wanted vanilla almond goodness! This is my LAST Luna sunrise bar- and damn, it was good! Things taste so much better when it's the specific thing you WANT!



And another collage I found whilst unpacking:



This is actually tiny (fits in my purse). I made it a few years ago when I was on a day program and struggling a lot- it opens up and on the left-hand side has a list of the "cons" of recovery and on the right-hand side is the "pros". I know it's important to focus on the "pros" but I also think it's important to recognise that anorexia has served a certain purpose for me, and it would be naive of me to just ignore that and pretend it isn't there. Because the cons DO exist (hence the ambivalence towards recovery for most sufferers at one point or another) and I think it's vital to look at and address these. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, it's all good :)

The Right Path

Thank you SO much for the encouragement you gave me regarding my anxieties about moving. I am SO excited to have my own place and I *know* that restricting/relapsing is going to wind up with me miserable and not able to make the most of the opportunities that I have in the coming months.

I need to stay on track for ME- why? Because I have had enough of anorexia. I have had enough of the endless thoughts about food and weight, the obsessing over minimal amounts of calories and balancing nutrients. I know where anorexia leads me, and it's not a path I want to keep going down... It's hard enough to stay on the right path without making it harder for myself by straying every chance I get.

I want freedom to LIVE in this world, not just exist from one doctor's appointment to the next, one medical crisis to the next. I want to eat peanut butter in my oatmeal and grab a sandwich when I am out with friends.

I want to smash down the walls that anorexia has built around me- yes, the voice can be seductive at times, but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it.

I want a healthy mind and I want a healthy body. I want to feel and act my age instead of shrivelling down into a child-sized body. I want to take up the space in this world that is ME sized, not the size anorexia leads me to believe is all I am worth.

When anorexia is digging it's claws in, that's when I need to fight for what I know, deep down, is what the "real ellie" wants. Health, happiness, freedom. Giving into temptation once or twice? Not okay. It just makes it easier to carry on down that road and the time has come to break away and focus on the direction I want to be heading.

I may not have someone around my new apartment to be accountable for, but it doesn't matter. I am accountable to ME ultimately. I know whether I am eating enough, exercising enough. I know what constitutes a meal, what a healthy amount of exercise is. And more importantly, I know that there are far more interesting things to be focusing on than a number on a scale.

Fake It Till Ya Make It

That's been today's theme, and you know what? I'm feeling okay about it. I'm not bursting at the seams with self-love, but I'm not beating myself up for pushing away the negative thoughts that came my way today ("go away- there is no time for YOU today").

I've been struck this week by how precious life truly is. Both in blogs and through the loss of my friend last week. I'm still not ready to talk about that in great detail, but it's just hitting me quite how fragile life is, how we never really know what lies around the corner. That's what makes life so exciting and wonderful, but also where heartache and pain and fear lie. Uncertainty, loss, unpredictability.

I was just wandering around town (shoe shopping!), but obsessing over my usual jazz ("if I eat abc for dinner, then I should have xyz for snack") when I got to thinking quite how much time I spend thinking about food, weight, calories, etc. The sheer amount of time I devote to essentially trivial stuff. None of which is going to matter in a week, a month, 6 months, a year...next Valentine's Day, am I even going to remember what I ate for snack on February 11th 2008? Hell no.

It just really got me thinking- when I'm old, I don't want to look back on my life and remember nothing more than endless hours in grocery stores, making lists, walking the same walk every.single.day. Enough of my memories NOW are of hospital, treatment, disaster. I don't want to waste more of my time- I want to look back and remember the trips I took, the relationships I formed, the cool adventures I had with friends. I want photos of nights out partying, vacations, celebrations. NOT piles of boxes of notepads filled with calculations about exactly how many raisins to put in my oatmeal. Life's too short.

Spend your time wisely- you never know how much you have left.

I want to look back and laugh and cry at the ups and downs, but I don't want to look back with bitter regret at all the things I never did because I was "too busy" with an eating disorder.

Fight For Your Life

I must have written and rewritten this post about fifteen times by now.

I received news yesterday that a friend from treatment passed away yesterday. I'm not ready to talk about it at this moment, but I did feel a need to say something.

I know most of my readers are waging their own wars against their eating disorders right now. I beg you, to KEEP on battling. To carry on with this fight for your life, because if you don't- who will? We don't need to do this alone, but ultimately, the demons are within us. It's up to us to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and make the choices necessary to move beyond this horrible illness. The results of listening to that voice in your head is beyond tragic- either ending in death, or a tortured existence. Nobody deserves to be trapped in an eating disordered life. Nobody chooses to be afflicted with an eating disorder- but we, as sufferers, CAN fight our way out of this. Hell, I don't know right now if I even believe this. There are so many unanswered questions in my head right now and I don't know if I am making sense right now.

All I know is the statistics. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition. 20% of sufferers I die. I look around my friends who struggle with eating disorders, and thought of losing anyone, is heart wrenching. I have lost too many friends to this, and I can't even contemplate the thought of losing more. I doubt these people ever realised quite how much they meant to their friends and family... I question my own value to MY friends and family.

Right now I am questioning whether death is inevitable, whether recovery is even possible, whether this is all that there really is.

Deep down, I know that what I *really* believe is that nobody is destined to lose the battle they are facing. Everyone has a fighting chance, and if you grab it and FIGHT LIKE HELL, the odds of winning are in your favour. So I ask this of you, of ALL of you, to never back down. To fight and fight and fight until your eating disorder is obliterated. Face fear in the face and LAUGH. Acknowledge that voice in your head telling you to restrict/purge/exercise and IGNORE IT. Set challenges each and every day- take every opportunity you get to leap towards a life free from this hell.

Why?

Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to be free.

Who Would Have Thought That Therapy Could Be Helpful?!

"set shifting": the ability to move back and forth between tasks,
operations, or mental sets, which is a function primarily linked to the
prefrontal cortex.

I was talking to my therapist on Tuesday about the difficulty I have breaking out of patterns. How I eat the same foods every day because I can't seem to comprehend the availability of other options. How I go for the same walks each day because a different route feels too complex to consider as an option. How this course I have started ('philosophy of religion' for those who asked!) is throwing up many challenges, aside from the workload itself, in terms of challenging my rituals, disturbing my routine, etc. She explained to me the link between set-shifting and anorexia which results in a sort of tunnel-vision way of living. She explained that *this* is why I get so stuck in routines and patterns- it's something which ANYONE struggles with at low weights/in states of starvation, but she said the research shows that people with anorexia have always had this, and continue to do so even after weight restoration.

It's not necessarily a BAD thing. It means a lot of drive, an ability to really focus on the task at hand- hell, if you are doing a PHD, the ability to focus 100% would work wonders. Problem I am dealing with is adapting to real-life, sans PHD (!). Looking back, it has come and gone in waves. It is definitely worse when I am deep in anorexic behaviours. The inability to shift into another mode drives the behaviour, the behaviour itself fuels the fire.

We talked about this in some depth as I tried to figure out a way to break out of the tunnel-vision, see more options and make more CHOICES rather than repeating the same things because I don't *see* any other choices to choose between. She said I can't reprogram the way my brain works, but what I CAN do is recognise what is going on, step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective ("what would someone else do right now?")

I've surprised myself by actually managing to do this since our session. Not in huge measures, but definitely moving in the right direction. It sounds small and stupid, but I'm actually really proud of myself for the choices I have been making with food/meals since Tuesday. Talking to my therapist, and for the first time ever, actually saying out loud *exactly* what was going on in my head without worrying about being judged/punished has really enabled me to GET advice and USE the advice.

Wow. Sounds so obvious now- that's why professionals are there, right?.. Who would have thought I might actually BENEFIT from treatment?.. (kidding- kind of...this current therapist and I have had an on/off relationship for a few years and I've not quite trusted her until recently so not been able to open up completely, and other therapists have had the "it's not about food so we won't talk about food" mentality- helpful, yes, but it's not something that can really be ignored with treatment of anorexia...)

So yeah. This is kind of new for me, and kind of exciting. It feels really good to be making some concrete changes that I can see/measure in terms of improving my situation. Often I've spent months in therapy and although I may have made some progress mentally, at the end of 6/8/12 months, nothing has REALLY changed in any way. Ha- I'm so excited that since Tuesday, I haven't eaten the same thing more than once. Wooo! (Yes, I know it's only Thursday but this is HUGE for me!)

I'm still really struggling with the feelings of guilt about not doing more/not achieving more/not saving the world right now. Nighttime is hardest- I've been watching TV to distract myself and falling asleep as the credits go up on 'Friends', but I wake up at 3-4am, tears soaking my pillow, my thoughts racing about applying for jobs/courses, moving, going back to New York.

It's hard to hold onto the thought that right here, right now, I am doing *exactly* what I need to be doing to shape my future. I can't change the past and I can't rush through the present. It's a process and there aren't the short-cuts I find myself rushing to find.

Fighting The Good Fight

This is proving to be incredibly difficult. I'm trying to redirect my thoughts, trying to ignore the urges to apply for jobs, book trains/flights. I thought, in my session yesterday, that this was no big deal. It's only a few weeks to commit to staying in Edinburgh and doing this 2-hour-per-week class. I don't know what to DO with myself. I spend hours upon hours applying for jobs, looking at apartments, creating a fantasy in my head of what shape I want my life to take on. Not doing that has left a huge gaping hole in my day, not to mention the aching in my heart to keep runningrunningrunning, and hoping that I'll end up somewhere I belong.

It's the same "climbing out my skin" feelings I had when I gave up smoking a few years ago. My thoughts are racing, my heart is pounding. It feels so WRONG to be doing what I *know* I need to try. The fact that it is proving so difficult at least consolidates on some level that yes, there is a wee problem here. I'm holding tight and using the same "delaying" tactic that worked so well for me with other urges (I give myself permission to do XYZ in 10 minutes...10 minutes later, I add another 10 minutes...then 20, then 30- you get the idea).

I'm ready to call it a night (at 7:35pm- oh yes, party animal at heart) and hope that tomorrow brings renewed energy to get through the day...

Meanwhile, I'll leave you with something I stumbled upon whilst fighting the urge to click on one of my bookmarked apartment listings sites...

The Eaters Agreement

(from Nourishing Wisdom by Marc David)

I Hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause undesirable consequences.Because the essence of my participation in life is one of learning and exploration, I agree to experience uncertainty as an eater. I recognize there are a great variety of foods to choose from, and I may not know which to eat. I may have a choice of different nutritional approaches, and not know which to follow. I may have an assortment of habits and now know how to manage them. I recognize that my relationship to food is a learning process and I will inevitably make mistakes. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to accept my humanness and learn as I go along.I acknowledge that as the body changes from infancy to old age, so will the eating process change. I recognize that my body may call for different foods as the days, seasons and years progress. My dietary needs will also shift in accord with the changes in my lifestyle and environment. I understand that there is no one perfect diet.As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by my choice of food or eating habits. I may also experience pain when emotional and spiritual hungers are confused with physical hunger. I further understand that eating to cure a pain that cannot be remedied by eating may bring even more pain.I further agree to accept a body that is imperfect and vulnerable, that naturally decays with the passage of time. I recognize there will be moments when I am incapable of caring for it myself. I agree, then, that to live in a body is to need the help of others. I also agree to be vulnerable as an eater. I acknowledge that I will be helpless when I am old and unwell. I further recognize that even when I am fully capable, I may still need the warm and care of someone who can feed me. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to be nourished by others.If I have a woman's body, I acknowledge that I have a special relationship to eating and nourishment. I recognize that as a giver of life, I am nourished of life as well. Whether through my cooking or the milk of my body, I acknowledge that the union of food and love is a quality that marks my womanhood and has a profound effect on humankind.As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous.I further agree that eating is an activity that joins me with all humanity. I recognize that to be an eater is to be accountable for the care of the earth and its resources. I acknowledge that despite our differences, we are all ultimately nourished by the same source. As such, I agree to share.I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again and again...

Everything's Changed (Back To What It Was?..)

I last posted over a week ago. Things haven't really changed from a physical point of view. I'm still sleeping insane amounts, still feeling horribly unwell and still no clue what is actually going on with my body right now. Different people have different theories- adrenal fatigue, food intolerance's, depression, thyroid problem. It's all being investigated.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday night I started exchanging emails with a really good friend of mine in New York. Turned out, she is moving into a new apartment this week and looking for a roommate. Within 24 hours, I had booked flights, made appointments with a psychiatrist and therapist and am all set to go.

How do you know if you are doing the right thing?..

The reasons I left New York remain pretty much unchanged. The reasons why I want to leave Edinburgh so badly are accumulating by the day. I *need* to get out of Edinburgh and New York is the "easiest" option (as in, I know the city, have somewhere to live, etc). I don't know if it's going to work out this time. I pretty much stopped caring about ANYTHING somewhere amidst my move to London, and that also remains unchanged. I don't want to go back, but honestly? I don't want to be anywhere right now. I am NOT (for the record) suicidal. Hell, I don't want to be dead anymore than I want to be alive right now.

Something in the emails sparked *something* in me, and maybe now that the initial excitement has worn off, am just overwhelmed by moving, yet again, and the increasing frustration with the situation in Edinburgh.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know what my options are right now. There are so many "pros" to moving, and far less for staying. Lots of cons on either side. Nothing feels quite right about this, and I can't think straight enough to figure it all out myself. But I don't actually have anyone in real life to talk this over with...(and yes, I am aware how pathetic this is).

And Just Like That...

...everything crumbles again.

I've been doing better the last couple of days. Feeling brighter, more hopeful, more determined to get my life back on track. I've called insurance companies, treatment centres. Reached out for help, dusted off my old DBT manuals, prayed (for those that know me, this one may be a surprise- I'm not exactly religious!) I've been eating better, sleeping better, looking forward to things again.

One of the things that has been occupying my time has been trying to find a treatment program that is either free, or accepts my insurance. I finally found one, after several long conversations with the insurance company. The logistics are tricky. It's in New York, but nowhere near anything- in itself, that wouldn't be a problem, but the program runs from 4pm - 8pm 5 days a week, and is about a 2-hour commute each way. I don't think it's going to be an option. Actually, that's not true. It COULD be an option. But nobody else thinks it is. My mom walked into my room tonight and said, "I think you should just try to see if what's on offer in Edinburgh is enough".

I don't know quite why this has shattered my positivity the way it has. I'd RATHER stay here and improve things at my pace. I'd RATHER settle somewhere for a few months and focus on voluntary work, etc. But I don't know how well it's going to work out. I only seem able to sustain my motivation for a few days at a time, if that. Throw in the recent suicide attempts and I think I'm in over my head at this point in terms of putting things back together on my own.

I don't think 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for a month or so is going to do a great deal in terms of my mental OR physical state, but it might be a jump-start and is at least *something*.

I don't know. I could rent a room for the few weeks, or stay in Edinburgh, or...just flail wildly until someone sees I'm struggling. I WANT so desperately to be able to do this myself. I seem to have lost all concept of what's NORMAL though- how people spend their days, what they eat, what they think about, what they do for fun, how they just get on with "life".

I feel so lost. I want to move forward, I just don't know how at this point.

Uncertainty Breeds Opportunity?

I'm still swinging wildly between highs and lows, and still have no idea what is going on.

I've realised a few things over the years- the main one being that without a definite plan, I tend to go a little crazy. Also that even when I have a definite plan, I'm looking for the *next* thing which results in me being crazy. This knowledge is all fine and well- doing something with it is a whole different story.

The current plan is...there is none. I still have the option of going to London I think. I'll find out more on that front on Wednesday. Honestly? I hope that the day program says they are only offering OP initially because then I can cross London off my list without having to make a decision myself. I know that I want to be in New York, and I know that in order to get there, I need to be stable enough to work full-time without having some kind of breakdown/relapse. Struggling with anorexia and dealing with the US health care system is difficult. Struggling with suicidal ideation and dealing with the US health care system is NOT something I want to face (leather restraints and visions of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" anyone?)

So somehow I need to get back onto my feet and figure out how this time in New York will be different.

AHA!

Back to the drawing board.

Wednesday is the day I find out about London and what the eating disorders service there are recommending. I also meet with my therapist in Edinburgh (lovely woman who told me I am a waste of NHS resources...quite a self-esteem boost). I also have an interview for a part-time job which sounds interesting/cool/fun/useful (in terms of something concrete on my resume/experience and all that jazz...)

A Kind Of Update

I'm not quite sure how to explain where I am or what's going on right now. As is evident from what I have shared here, things have been consistently getting more and more chaotic over the last few months. I don't know why my "plan B" suddenly jumped to "plan A", but needless to say, it did, and I am now in hospital. It's been two weeks so far. I wish I could say that I am getting support, working things through and putting my life back together....but that would be an outright lie. I am becoming increasingly isolated and despairing. Things feel so unbelievably hopeless. The "help" I am receiving is beyond ridiculous- nurses who can't read medication charts, patients who go AWOL and come back intoxicated to the point where they can do little more than throw up and pass out, and little more than the company of my fellow patients muttering to people *I* can't see to pass my time.

The days and nights are merging together. My anxiety is spiralling. I want to crawl out of my skin and escape what has become my reality. I am scared to sleep, scared to be by myself, scared to be around the people I am now living with.

I am learning the true art of compassion and understanding. We all have our own struggles. To see beyond the illness, whether it's cancer or schizophrenia, takes up a lot of energy. To realise that there are caring, honest, genuine people beyond the delusions, the torment, the anger...it's draining. We are all fighting for something. Whether it's to be out of hospital, to be happy or to be away from the government conspiracies (!), we are all striving to achieve something which feels out of reach. We are all so different, yet similar in so many ways.

I have absolutely no idea how long I will be here for, or where I go from here. I am swinging between the extremes of despair and frustration, to an excited optimism, One part of me wants so desperately to fight and get well (not "improved", not "stable", but HEALTHY) and it's fighting against the part of me that just wants this to be over once and for all...obviously the two are balanced enough that I am sitting here right now. The real question though is which part is going to win in the end? I am at a crossroad, and standing still is no longer an option.

The Future: a blank canvas or a black hole?..

The last couple of weeks have been intense and painful, but today I feel better. Peaceful. Free. I slept for 6 hours last night, which is a lot for me. I've spent the day by myself, but instead of panicking about endless hours to fill and crazy thoughts bouncing around my head, I've felt hopeful and optimistic about the coming months.

I figure I can look at this in two ways.

1) Everything has fallen apart, I am leaving my friends and the city I love, to be, essentially, homeless. No job, no friends, nowhere to live, nothing to do. Feeling lost, hurt, angry, resentful, lonely.

OR

2) I am leaving one life, and have a blank canvas in front of me to start another. I have a few different choices about what I'll do, but there is no rush to make any decisions. I'll wait until I am back, then see how things pan out...do what I can with what I have. There ARE options for me- I just need to find the path I want to walk down, and somewhere along the line, I'll find a place to call "home".

There are facts to consider about the coming months, which influence which view I take depending on whatever mindset I happen to be in. It's not all doom and gloom...it's far from peachy either. There are very valid concerns about the choices I am going to have to make. Lots to think about, lots to research, and a little too much reliance on others (I am NOT comfortable "needing" other people).

I think what I really need to do is sit down and figure out where I want to be in 6 months/a year. Not physically, but what I would like my life to LOOK like. What I want to be doing, where I want to be in my recovery, what shape I want my world to take...then backtrack and figure out the best plan of action to get from here to there.

Without doing what I keep doing, and falling into the hole where I do nothing but panic and the prospect of "life" is too overwhelming to even consider being a part of.

Whatever I think, say or do, time is going to pass. This is going to happen. I am leaving New York. I am going to have to make decisions, compromises, sacrifices. I am going to feel a sense of loss. The sun is going to rise and fall, regardless of whether or not I want it to. I want to make the hands of time STOP until I can think things through, but really...I need to get to work on accepting what IS, rather than wishing for what ISN'T.

Not Waving, But Drowning

To say that I'm struggling would be an understatement. I'm flailing. Rather wildly. I don't quite know what's wrong, or how to fix it. I'm overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the coming months. There is a deep sense of loss over what I am leaving behind here in New York. There is the oh-so-seductive urge to self-destruct completely. Because that solves everything. Obviously.

I want, so desperately, for things to be different. I am learning (slowly!) that what I really want is for ME to be different. I want to be "normal", whatever that means. I want to be able to choose where I live, to have a job I am good at/that I enjoy, to be free from this obsession with food/weight/exercise. I want to go out with friends and not worry about what they are thinking about me, where we will go, what we will eat. I want to make plans with people without having to get up at 4am so that I have time to squeeze in my mandatory walking hours so that I "earn" the right to relax and have fun. I want freedom. I want to be peaceful.

All the things that I do to manage my anxiety/depression are making things worse and taking me further and further away from the things I want. The more despairing I feel about where I am going to live, work, etc, the more weight I lose, and the more weight I lose, the more things spiral out of control.

I say that I am trying to get a grip on things. That is partly true. I am trying to get a grip on the feelings that drive my behaviour. I am trying to get a grip on the urges to lash out at myself. I say I am trying, but my definition of trying is to choose the lesser of two evils- should I walk 12 miles or take a handful of sleeping pills? Should I skip lunch or should I walk in front of a car?

I justify my actions because obviously I am making the "healthier" choice. Healthier, yet not healthy.

Should I just suck it up, follow my meal plan, exercise a normal amount, do my therapy homework and hope that somewhere along the line I acquire the desire to actually take care of myself? Be...*gasps* self-sufficient? How dull. How self-indulgent. I can't do that. I don't know HOW. I can do it when I am locked up in a treatment center, but can't quite bring myself to save MYSELF from MYSELF. After so much therapy/treatment, I should have answers by now. I have yet to see/hear/read anything that makes it seem a more doable task.

How did this get so damn complicated?

People think I have yet to recover because I don't want it enough. They are wrong. I want it enough. I just don't think I am capable of it, or deserving of it. I don't know how to function like a non-eating disordered person. I don't know how to deal with the mood swings, depression and anxiety that my behaviour keeps a handle on. I don't know how to live...or if I even want to.