Variations On A Theme

Thank you SO much for your feedback on yesterday's post- it was really interesting to hear everyone's opinions on where my thoughts were yesterday.

I think what I was really trying to convey is that I am trying to shift my focus from constantly thinking about how 'disordered' some of my behaviours are, and just accept where I am right now in the hope that acceptance itself brings about change (rather than forcing it). It's not that different to what I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but accepting where I AM rather than constantly striving to be 'somewhere else' is a huge challenge for me. The trouble with acceptance for me is that it does often lead to complacency- my eating disorder gets ignored for the most part, my behaviours slip, anorexia seeps more and more into my daily routine and without me really noticing, I suddenly find myself back in dangerous territory.

Finding a middle ground between accepting and change is new to me- being such a black/white thinker, I find it really difficult to manage more than one thing at once: I can focus on changing my behaviours, or I can focus on accepting them. There needs to be some of both- the behaviours ARE present right now and I know better than just to brush them aside and ignore them. I also know that wishing they were just absent from my life doesn't necessarily make them disappear. Being aware of what I am doing whilst keeping the bigger picture in mind is what I am aiming for- a half-way point between fighting the small battles (laughing cow cheese or regular? 2% or fat free?) and winning the ultimate war (recovery/life/becoming ME).

I reread yesterday's post this morning with a slightly different mindset and disagreed with quite a few things I said. Yes, I am tired of feeling like life is a 'fight'- but really? It kind of is. On many levels. At this point anyway- if I separate 'me' from 'anorexia' (which I have a hard time doing) it DOES look and feel like some kind of battle going on. But it's not a battle I am willing to surrender to. Life in itself isn't necessarily a FIGHT- yes, it's filled with all kinds of ups and downs and chaos and confusion, but it's not ALL a struggle. In the depths of an eating disorder/depression, I tend to lose sight of what is truly important and get caught up in the whirlwind of what goes on in my head. So yes, fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile. So the battle continues. Lots of fighting talk today!

Last night ended up being pretty rough. I've been doing better with the obsessional thinking/meal planning I had talked about a couple of weeks ago, but it was full-force last night. A combination of triggers, but I googled and found this which I found helpful:

"Don’t try to control everything. If you have a tendency to obsess, chances are fairly good that you’re also a perfectionist. Realize that going over something again and again in your mind will not magically produce the ‘right’ answer."

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Onto some more fun stuff...

Breakfast this morning:

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter.

I love how runny the PB and Co. smooth peanut butter is- I don't imagine it working well as a sandwich filling, but it's perfect with cereal. For those of you who asked about fromage frais, it's pretty much identical to Greek yogurt in terms of taste and nutrition, but much runnier and half the price!

New snack alert!


This bar has been in my stash for ages- given that I hate both salty foods and crunchy foods, I was in NO rush to try it. I am so glad I did- this bar was AMAZING (so much so that I *may* have ordered a case to be delivered to where my mom is staying in NY next week to bring back for me...)

Pretzel/PB chips...mmm...

All in the spirit of branching out/trying new things, I made this:


Which somehow turned out like this:


Spot the difference! I have loved every Amy's meal that I have tried, but have yet to find a way to make them as pretty as they look on the packaging- my theory is that they purposely make them ugly so nobody tried to pass them off as homemade! Tasted great (and for anyone in the UK, these are 'buy one get one half price' in Holland and Barrett right now!)

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Left In The Dust

Dear ellie,

It's time to get a grip. Everyone around you is changing and moving on, and you are still acting the same way you did when you were 13. Then you wonder why you don't have a real job or friends or can't live in New York. You've had chances time after time after time to turn things around and your half-hearted attempts have been nothing short of pathetic. Everyone you lived with for all those years in hospital have either 1) recovered, 2) died, or 3) still spend their lives drifting aimlessly from one institution to the next. Why are you you SO torn between the 3 options? Why can you not just grow the hell up and move on from this? You SAY you want a LIFE- that you want to live in New York, have friends/a social life, go back to dancing, write a book, have a career. You say all this stuff about all these cool things you WANT to do with your life, but at the end of the day, you choose a number on a scale over and above everything else. It's gotten old. It doesn't MATTER what you weigh or precisely how many grams of protein you eat. NOBODY CARES. It's not important in the grand scheme of things if you eat X calories or X + 5 calories. You are the only one who is counting. People have given up and turned their backs. The ones that HAVE stuck around feel obligated to do so because of parental obligations or moral duties of care. Friends? Relatives? Colleagues? They don't want to watch you play this childlike game anymore. It's boring, it's self-centred and it's not getting you anywhere you want to be going.

If you want change, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Let go of the stupid irrational fears and anxieties. Stop obsessing over numbers. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else around you- accept what you ARE because you just ARE WHAT YOU ARE. Whether you like it or not, you are always going to be YOU. Deal with it. Yeah, the economy sucks, a job might suck, people might still hate you/be angry with you. The world, on the whole, can be a crappy, lonely and stressful place. Everyone else just sucks it up and deals with it, taking the good with the bad- what is so different about YOU that if it's not 100% perfect, you don't want any part of it? It's such an immature way of viewing situations. You act like a spoilt brat- things don't go your way? "Oh yeah...let's see how much weight I can lose then I'll somehow become a valuable person again." Seriously. Buck up.

Whatever point you were originally trying to prove has been proven a LONG time ago- do you even remember what it was? Didn't think so. Likely that there never was a real 'point' to be made and somehow things happened and you fell into a habit of self-destructing anytime things get rough and never actually bothered to try handling things differently.

Starving isn't the answer. Exercising isn't the answer. Diet pills aren't the answer. Hospital isn't the answer. The answer doesn't lie in behaviours or interventions from doctors- you don't even know what the damn question is anymore so how will you know when you HAVE the answer? Maybe you had it all along.

Stop complaining that everyone has moved on with their lives and that you feel left behind. Did you expect them to wait forever? People grow up and move on. It's time you did the same. Pull your thoughts away from obsessing over what weight you are/want to be and see the truth: none of that is important. Friends, family, job, travelling, LIFE- that is what's important. Not how much/how little you eat. Life shrinks and expands in proportion to courage- you say that all the time. yet you complain how 'small' your world is, how you never do the things you dream of... It's up to YOU to make the dreams a reality rather than wallowing in misery and obsessions and never actually taking action.

Get over yourself. You are sick of this and you know it. And everyone around you is sick of it too.
the real ellie x

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Some pictures?..

Breakfast this morning was more pumpkin...

Banana oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, cinnamon, mashed banana) with pumpkin, topped with white chocolate wonder peanut butter.

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday:


"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and spinach on a wholewheat roll. I am so in love with quorn products right now- I like the "ham" slices better than these though. Much less 'fake' tasting. (And yes, the weather is still inspiring fall/winter foods. Someone send me some sunshine!)

Snack today was dictated by my sore throat and cold...


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with milk, soaked for a while to go mushy! This cereal is great- it's not sweet at all aside from the chocolate chips and raisins (though it is lacking in the raisin department- next time I'll add my own!)

Usual disclaimer: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

I'm really upset that all the stores in Edinburgh seem to have stopped selling Amy's burritos. I can still get a few of the meals, but I LOVE the burritos and they are nowhere to be found. So sad. I ended up rather impulsively buying a bunch of ready-made entrees today. I don't know quite what the appeal was at the time and shoved them in the freezer as soon as I got home. I guess it will force me to branch out from my usual foods and have some new stuff, but seriously... I need to stop buying food. I have plenty to use up! So pictures over the next couple of weeks will hopefully be repetitive (boring for you guys- good for my wallet :P)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Like Riding A Bike

I am kind of embarrassed about yesterday's post. I feel like I shouldn't be having these struggles anymore- that having made the commitment to recovery that these thoughts should just go away. That this should somehow be easier than it is. I feel like I am constantly fighting this stupid barrage of negative thoughts (which often seem perfectly rational) and giving myself pep-talks every waking hour. I guess it was a little unrealistic of me to expect things to miraculously change, but it's frustrating nonetheless to still be bombarded by anorexia's daggers.

Something that has been on my mind the past couple of days was something I read in the book I mentioned the other day. She talked about an event that occurred several years into recovery which she classed as a "defining moment". It wasn't a milestone in a 'recovery' sense, but it was a time when she suddenly realised that she was past the stage of anorexia.

This struck a chord with me because I see my moves to New York as something I hope will BE that "defining moment"- when I am able to think, "I've made it". To look back and realise that anorexia is no longer infiltrating my everyday life and I am living the normal life I have been striving for. What I've failed to grasp, until now, is that there is a process leading up to that defining moment. Things don't change by moving locations- yes, one day, I hope to move back to New York and will look back and see how far I have come in my journey, but I need to have more patience and tolerance for the steps between now and then.

I think it's kind of like riding a bike. You start with stabilisers- you wobble, you fall. You get back on and start pedaling again- sometimes you veer into hedges or don't brake in time. After a while, the stabilisers come off- again, you wobble and tumble and crash. It gets easier with practice and patience until you slowly pick up momentum, going faster and faster and then realise that you are DOING it. You are pedalling along, picking up speed, the wind blowing in your hair. You weave in and out of obstacles without any major upset. You are now a proficient rider and free to go wherever the path leads, knowing that you have the skills and expertise to manage the hills, the rocks, the sharp turns.

That's my deep thought for the day :P

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Some pictures? I think so!

Breakfast this morning featured an individual pack of a new cereal I was given:


With pumpkin, fage, cinnamon and peanut butter:


This was my first time trying peanut butter on cold cereal, and I LOVED it. I mixed it all up and every few bites would get a little peanut butter and cereal 'sandwich'. I might have to buy a bix box of this cereal- it was delicious with the pumpkin/peanut butter combination.

Today's lunch was inspired by the horrendous weather we are having- seriously, it's like winter here. I should not need a down-stuffed coat in MAY!


"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn slices, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and fresh spinach on a wholewheat roll. Perfect Thanksgiving 'summer' lunch.

Anyone got anything exciting planned for the weekend? I am planning to rest as much as possible and get rid of this cold in time for work on Monday! (and try to hunt down season 8 of Scrubs on DVD!)

TMI!

I have been tagged by both Sheena and Katie to do the list of 25 random facts making it's way around blogosphere. I feel like I have blurted out a lot of random weirdness in my posts lately so I'll try to keep to things I haven't yet revealed.

1. I worked very briefly at Starbucks in New York and one day was holding a tray of cupcakes- they literally JUMPED out of my hands and cakes went flying all over the store.
2. I can't walk in high heels and I never wear make-up (then I wonder why people ask me for ID)
3. Every summer I buy a bunch of cheap tank tops and paint them with my own slogans. And am continuously amazed by how many comments I get about them!
4. I have never made a boiled egg- I don't think I would even know how. I don't eat eggs much so I can live with this.
5. I have 2 brothers and 2 half-brothers. When I was little, I thought I was really smart to figure out that if two half's made a whole, I really had 3 brothers!
6. I am obsessed with "Scrubs" and have a whole bunch of clips downloaded as MP3's onto my iPod. I can fit a Dr Cox quote into almost every conversation.
7. I am also obsessed with soundtracks from musicals- when I was really young, I was obsessed with 'Annie'. I must have seen it over a hundred times!
8. Aside from my obsession with musicals, I very rarely watch movies. I have never seen Jurrasic Park or Dirty Dancing, and don't know the names of any actors/actresses. They could be sitting next to me in a restaurant and I would never recognise them, let alone know their names and what movies they have been in.
9. I have a tattoo of a rose on my stomach that I got when I was 15.
10. The month before my mom got remarried when I was 16, I had my hair dyed black with bright red streaks and got my eyebrow, lip and nose pierced.
11. I took swimming lessons for 8 years and still can't swim more than about 3 feet.
12. My dream job would be eith at an advertising agency or owning my own t-shirt designing business.
13. I feel more at home in New York than anywhere else I have lived: I love the buzz, the atmosphere, the frenzy, but most of all, I love who I become when I am there.
14. I panic every time I get an email or my phone rings in case I am in "trouble" for something!
15. I can't remember the last time I slept past 6:30am. I am usually awake LONG before then (and go to bed around 9:30!)
16. I haven't taken a ballet class when I was 3- as soon as I mention dancing, people seem to think I mean ballet. The classes I have taken since I "officially" began dancing have been hip-hop, street and breakdancing.
17. I hate citrus fruits and anything citrus flavoured.
18. I worry a lot about what people think of me- I have this notion that everyone is watching me and judging me and am petrified to make contact with a lot of my family because I am so scared of disappointing them.
19. I have never had a cavity/filling.
20. I have a phobia of bees and wasps. This means I do not open windows in my apartment. Ever. It also means that my bathroom is now the "smoking room" (it has an extractor fan). Plus side of this is my apartment doesn't smell of smoke. Word of advice: you may want to pee before you come over. It's a little smoky in there...
21. I could eat deli-made chicken salad wraps for lunch every day and never get tired of them.
22. I am secretly obsessed with other people's careers. I could listen to people talk all day about their jobs... I don't know why it interests me so much, but I am beyond intrigued. Part of why I love reading blogs is because I am so fascinated by how other people spend their time- what they do, what they think about, what they eat. Not in an eating disordered way, I am just so curious about how other people experience the world around them.
23. I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was 20 and ever since then, have been unable to eat crunchy foods. It's like I have 'phantom teeth' and when I try to bite into stuff, it hurts a LOT where the teeth used to be. You'd think I would be used to it by now (6 years!) but I avoid any hard/crunchy foods.
24. I have a pretty dry sense of humour- people often look at me funnily and can't figure out if I am being serious or joking. Chances are, if I am talking, I am joking. I find it VERY difficult to have serious conversations- the urge to crack a joke/lighten things up is just too tempting.
25. I have never eaten a blondie, guacamole, a burrito (aside from Amy's!) or a hot fudge sundae though am 110% sure I would love them all. Aside from guacamole, none of these are easy to find in the UK but are on my list of things I want to do when I am next in NY!

So now you have lots of unnecessary useful information about me (no black-mailing, thanks!) Any questions, ask away!

Onto the good stuff...

I fueled up for day 2 of work with one of my favourite (and blog-inspired!) breakfasts.

Banana pumpkin oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana and pumpkin) topped with peanut butter. Pumpkin (and peanut butter for that matter) are so under-appreciated in the UK. I never understand why- both are just hands-down amazingly delicious and nutritious.

Work was pretty good- definitely less exhausting than yesterday now that I know what to expect. The office was much quieter today since half the staff were on an "away day" (quite what that entails, I do not know!) so I had more of a chance to get to know the few people that were there...and had less people to ask for help when I couldn't figure out what to do :P

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday- why fix what ain't broke, right?

Quorn "ham" (which I am pretty sure IS Kosher when manufactured in the UK. Quite a few of the quorn products are- check your 'Kosher Food Guide' if it's a concern for you!) with laughing cow love cheese, spinach and tomato chutney.

New snack:
I didn't really like this flavour much. So far have tried this one, coconut cream pie and PB cookie. The peanut butter is amazing, but I haven't liked the other two much. This is one of the flavours that IS readily available in the UK though so I might try it again at some point.

Hope everyone's week is tying up nicely so you can relax and enjoy the weekend- what have you got planned?