I Believe...

• that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is only to teach us something
• that putting all your eggs in one basket might seem practical but it's a big risk to take
• that some risks are worth taking
• that it's on the darkest nights that the stars shine most brightly
• that actions speak louder than words
• that you can wait forever for an apology that will never come
• that time you enjoy is not wasted time
• that 'sorry' is the hardest word to say
• that every moment we have is a gift
• that everyone is doing their best with the tools they have available to them
• that sometimes you only find the answer when you stop looking
• that people will die trying to use their bodies to say what their voices can't
• that when you face the things you are most scared of, you find you had the courage all along
• that when your mind throws up road blocks, you can drive straight through them
• that some rules are meant to be broken
• that everyone deserves to be loved
• that a good night's sleep and a great breakfast gives you a great advantage for any challenges that come your way during the day
• that everyone needs a little help sometimes
• that sometimes the only available means of transportation is a leap of faith
• that laughter is the best medicine
• that time doesn't heal everything, but compassion and forgiveness can go a long way
• that we have more power and strength than we realise
• that everyone is special in their own way

****************

Munchables!

I wanted to try the muesli that Aisha sent me in the 'blogger exchange' this morning.

With pumpkin and fromage frais...

The flavour kind of got lost in the pumpkin, but every now and again I got a little chunk of chocolate- winning start to my day!

There was some more chocolate needed later on.

I think this was a "Carbrite Raspberry Chocolate" bar (20g protein- woooo!) but will forever be known in my head as "Bizarre Bar". It was...weird. I LOVED the texture, but it had the strangest taste to it- anyone tried these? Maybe it had gone bad or something...it didn't taste gross, it was just strange. Chalky and chewy (which I like) but just really sweet with a strange hint of what I assume is *supposed* to be raspberry.. These have no sugar and no artificial sweeteners so I have no idea what crazy chemicals ingredients I just ingested...

Lunch included my last sandwich thin- which means that 1) I have LOTS of room in my freezer now, and 2) next week WRAPS are back on the menu. You know how I roll!

Ham, tomato chutney, laughing cow cheese and pineapple. Love it.

Have a great weekend guys! Hope you all have some fun things planned!

Click for a summer giveaway!

No Red Carpets!

It was really interesting to hear your thoughts and opinions on how the media portrays an image to strive for and the idea of a 'perfect' body.

It kind of got me thinking more about 'fame' and celebrity status on the whole. Aside from being scrutinised for any changes in weight that the media loves to highlight, I can't think of anything worse than having your entire life being put in the spotlight. I have never been famous, and maybe this is more a reflection on how *I* operate, but if I was to become a pop star (not going to happen!), I have this image of the passions that musicians have suddenly becoming something that belongs to everyone else. Record labels, contracts, managers, etc, start calling the shots and before they realise it, their dreams are suddenly everyone else's dreams rather than their own. A constant need to deliver what people WANT rather than where their heart lies. Some artists DO follow their own paths and accept that they will get dropped and their 5 minutes of fame will be over and are okay with that- others aren't able to do that (am guessing that I would fall into that category and change myself because what others think of me would take priority). I can certainly see why so many celebrities do end up turning to drugs/alcohol if that's the case- the pressures of constantly being in the spotlight would be hard enough, but the feeling of compromising who you are inside just to please other people seems a hundred times worse to me. Maybe I am WAY off here, but if I ever did shoot to stardom, I think that's where my downfall would be. Doing whatever it took to be accepted, to chase the dream of being a huge hit and losing sight of the original motive of writing/playing music (acting, dancing...whatever). Unless the dream/goal is fame itself and they like it...heh. Whatever floats your boat!

Would you ever want to be famous? As much as I like dancing around my bedroom pretending my hairbrush is a microphone, I can honestly say that I hope to NEVER step foot on a stage again. I'd love to be 'known' for doing something amazing/special, but I would hate to be in the position of being recognised everywhere I went or having to have every idea/movement approved by somebody else. Freedom over fame anyday!

Okay, enough of my ramblings for today!

*********

Breakfast was my LAST portion of my beloved muesli- nowhere seems to be selling it anymore so I am debating whether or not to order some online (or just switch it up with something else). As much as I love it, I'd rather be eating stuff I can get easily/locally... Do you guys order food online? I get protein bars and wraps because they aren't sold in stores, but muesli is pretty readily available...this one is so good though!

Bran berry muesli with apple and Fage.

I have had zero energy today- I usually find that once I hit the streets, am full of energy and glad I went walking, but half-way through today's walk my body just was NOT cooperating. Hey, at least I tried... I'm not going to 'force' it if my body is clearly saying "NO". There are times to push and times to just accept that it's a 'rest day'.

Snacked on an old favourite...

Maple nut Clif bar- by FAR my favourite bar. I am so burned out on the pumpkin flavour!

Lunch included this:

Sandwich thin with laughing cow cheese, pesto, ham and mushrooms. Pesto is so good on sandwiches! I definitely prefer Quorn over meat, but since the store didn't have it and I consider myself an 'eatanythingatarian' I thought I should try it.

Just throwing my disclaimer in here after a couple emails I have received recently: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

The weekend is in SIGHT!

If You Ain't Got It, You Can't Shake It

I went to buy a magazine this morning- no big deal, right? I don't buy them often because there are only a couple I enjoy reading but start of the month means new issues so I wanted to check out the latest editions. Every single magazine had articles on the cover with titles such as, "Get Your Perfect Body in 12 weeks" (or something similar). Who exactly ARE these people who decide what a 'perfect' body is? Is there a degree in designing ideal body shapes that I don't know about?

This stuff doesn't 'trigger' me, but it irritates me. My eating disorder has never been about achieving a 'perfect body' or aspiring to look like a celebrity (and I have never met anyone whose disorder HAS been about that, despite the hype in the media about fashion/models contributing to the rising rates in eating disorders). I think it's very easy to want to blame something concrete/tangible for the rampancy of eating disorders but I think it's a rather simplistic view to take and a bit of a cop-out to point fingers at the media. I've never paid any attention to celebrity's weights ("X has lost Ylbs"/"X has gained YYlbs- oh the horror!") because it is of no interest to me. I don't know these people and I have no interest on reading 'shock factor' stories about a footballers wife I've never heard of who was spotted eating *gasp* a piece of pizza. In public nonetheless. I don't consider this 'newsworthy' material, let alone something I want to spend money on purchasing.

I have sat through countless group therapy sessions talking about the impact the media has on body image. I've also sat through countless therapy sessions talking about the importance of self-acceptance being something to strive for. THIS I agree with, but what has been drummed into my head as "normal" doesn't seem to be that normal after all. The majority of the woman I know (not with eating disorders) share the same desire to lose Xlbs, the same mentality that certain foods are good/bad/should be avoided at all costs. I kind of feel like the more I work towards being "normal", the more "abnormal" I become. It's a little discouraging to think that disliking your body is the 'norm'.

I am really interested in fitness, health and nutrition because I can relate to lots of it from my own experiences, and it's a language I 'understand'. (Politics? Religion? Current affairs? RIGHT over my head!). But when health/nutrition/fitness crosses into the territory of "let's all eat cardboard for the next 3 months so we can look fab in a bikini" my brain switches off. Promoting healthy and balanced diets is one thing- promoting the idea that huge sacrifices are necessary because everyone needs to look a certain way is another. All kinds of factors come into play when it comes to body size/shape, and diet/exercise is only part of it. What is healthy for one person is NOT healthy for another. Some people's natural body weight is higher than others, some people need more/less food than others. There is no one weight/size that everyone should strive for. Strive for your OWN optimum health, and rock it out. Life's too short to waste chasing what some editor in a high-rise office building in Chicago has randomly decided is THE body to have. If weight loss is a health goal, I am ALL for supporting that in a realistic/balanced/healthy way, but to promote acheiving a "dream body in JUST 3 weeks" is just ridiculous.

Rock what you have, guys! Individuality and confidence is where true beauty is.

I never did get my magazine- though all is not lost. I saved $5 and killed my magazine reading time by writing a long ramble post instead :D

Any thoughts on this? I love hearing what you guys have to say, especially since everyone has different experiences- what are your thoughts on the media's influence on body image?

*********

Munchables! (which contributed to my 'awesomeness scale rating' jumping from a 3 to the much hoped for 8.5...oh yes!)

I HAD to open some of the amazing goodies that arrived yesterday. I have never tried almond butter before but have seen it all over blog world and have yet to be disappointed by any of your suggestions.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with almond butter. I do believe there were angels singing. This stuff is INCREDIBLE! I love the taste of almonds but I don't like the texture (CRUNCH!) and now...ah...expect to see this again. Soon.

Next up was the cherry almond Eat Natural bar, also from Aisha-

Chewy, little crunch, yoghurt coating, HUGE chunks of dried fruit...one word: YUM! (UK guys- you can get a free sample of this bar from their website!)

Part of my lunch included this sandwich:

Sandwich thin with Quorn fillets, BBQ sauce, pineapple and a little grated cheese. I LOVE fruit combined with savoury foods and pineapple + cheese go so well together.

What are some of your favourite sweet/savoury combinations?

That's all I've got for you guys right now- have a great Hump Day!

Oh, and go check out the fabulous Megan's giveaway!

Body's Talkin'

Thank you so much for the comments on yesterday's post! It's always strange looking back over old entries, but it's also a great way to see how far you have come by reflecting on the past.

What I had originally wanted to talk about yesterday was 'hunger'. The past few days, my appetite has been completely non-existent (which was what I wanted to discuss)- I have mixed feelings about this- in some ways, it's easier for me to eat if I'm NOT hungry because it feels more in control. On the other hand, it's hard to justify eating if I'm NOT hungry- I figure that if my body isn't asking for food, it doesn't need it. (I eat according to my plan, regardless, just my feelings about it are different). Today has been the complete opposite. I find it hard to recognise 'hunger' and 'fullness' a lot of the time, but today have been painfully aware of my stomach screaming out for food. Being hungry is horrible. I can't stand the feeling of emptiness, of my stomach churning. Especially when it seems to come from nowhere- there was no reason why *today* should have been different from yesterday, but it was. I start to resent my body for betraying me- why now? Why today? How DARE it need food when I already ate?!.. I also hate the memories and associations that hunger gives me- it takes me back to the days where I was literally starving, and could not bring myself to eat. I am not in that place now, but the physical sensations of hunger remind me so painfully of that time.

I am a firm believer that if you are craving certain things, it's because your body needs it. I am trying to generalise this to 'being hungry = needing food'. It sounds so simple, but it''s easier said than done. I hate the sensation of hunger, but I also hate what it represents- needing, wanting, a lack of control over my own body ("I ate xxx for breakfast- I should NOT be hungry yet"). It's uncomfortable physically and mentally- I get irritable, shaky, tearful. It's REALLY hard for me to trust my body and let it tell me when it needs more food- but I really think that our bodies are better judges of what we need than our minds are. If my stomach is growling and it's been several hours since breakfast, chances are, I AM hungry. It's NOT a sign of weakness of greediness- it's a sign of being human. Our bodies require fuel even if we spend all day in bed. Our organs, muscles...the human body is performing zillions of tasks at any given moment, all requiring a decent amount of energy. Recognising hunger is one thing, honouring it is another. I eat according to the clock- it honestly doesn't occur to me on days like today to eat an extra snack or bring a meal forward... I panic about misreading what message my body is sending me and don't yet trust my body/mind to work together. On the other hand, our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt- I spend ludicrous amounts of time working out exact calories in meals, and hours figuring out a day's worth of food. I have lost count of the numbers of days I have spent with a calculator, working out weights, BMIs, etc. The thing is, it's pretty pointless. Some days our bodies need a bit more food or a bit less. Weight fluctuates, as does our intake requirements. Obsessing over a yogurt which has 10 calories more than my regular brand can throw me into a headspin for the entire day, but our bodies don't NOTICE a few calories/pounds here or there. It takes quite a significant amount of calories in either direction for my body to change much so it's futile for me to spend so much time stressing over 'perfect' meal plans.

Tuning in and listening to what your body says is HARD- but it's so important. Our bodies don't see numbers on scales, or graphs or charts. They see food as what it is: nutrients, energy. If they are asking for something, they deserve to be honoured. Bodies talk... I'm trying to listen.

So anyway, some of today's food... (NOT all inclusive BTW!)

Breakfast, again at 5am...(what is UP with my sleep patterns these days?!)

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, blueberries and raw almonds. This is usually one of my more filling breakfasts- not today apparently!

Snack...


Mini chocolate chip Clif bar with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Love it. These bars are a month past their 'use by' date... I'm a daredevil, I know.

For lunch I had something new again! Excuse the messiness- presentation wasn't a priority (clearly :P )


Hummus, carrot, alfalfa sprouts and rocket (arugula?) on wholewheat bread. I forgot how much I LOVE hummus! I actually don't like raw carrots at all, except when they are shredded with hummus. This sandwich was delicious and satisfying (FINALLY!). I don't know why I don't have hummus more often- it's cheap, nutritious and delicious. Maybe I'll get round to trying an infamous 'crack wrap' one of these days...

I'd love to hear about people's experiences with becoming more of an 'intuitive eater' and starting to trust their bodies...

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far!

200th Post = Reflection

This is my 200th post! I didn't realise this until just now when I opened up my blog so instead of what I planned to blog about, thought I should recap a little of what's been going down in my world since the blog started...

I first started blogging intending to focus on the impact giving up dancing has had on my life. I never intended to go into depths about my eating disorder, though in hindsight, that was kind of unavoidable. I started dancing when I was 20- it was pure chance that I went to the class, and completely unexpected that I would not only go BACK for more classes, but that I would fall in love with dancing. There is no feeling in the world to me that matches the adrenaline rush a the music starts, the feeling of rhythm pulsing through my body, my muscles surging with power as the warm-up kicked off. My dance studio started to feel like 'home'- a safe place where there was no time to think about calories or weight, except to feel the strength of my body as I leaped and twirled around the room. I watched myself in the mirror- not criticising my body for what it looked like, but seeing how I could master the movements and copy my teacher's demonstration. It was the first time that I saw food as FUEL- much needed energy to power me through my classes. I ate with dancing on my brain, my muscles reaping the benefits of a healthy and adequate diet. My focus shifted from what foods were "safe" to what foods would give me the best sources of energy for dancing.

After several injuries, I had to accept that dancing could no longer be a part of my life. I felt lost without my "safe place" to go to, food felt unnecessary, strength and health just felt...meaningless. It all felt very unfair. I had nobody to blame but myself- my years of disordered eating had taken too much of a toll on my body for me to carry on with something I was so passionate about.

Dancing was replaced with losing weight again- I drifted from one thing to another (classes, jobs, activities) trying to fill that void. I moved around a lot- London to Scotland to New York to Scotland, back to New York, back to Scotland, to London...trying to find somewhere I fitted in, somewhere I felt safe, somewhere my eating disorder would not be present. Do I miss dancing? Sometimes. For the most part, I have accepted that that chapter of my life has ended and have focused my energy on other things. Then there are times when I drift into daydreams of being back in the studio, aware of nothing but the floor beneath my feet, the fan above my head, the mirrors lining the walls, the music pulsing through the studio. I get pangs not unlike 'homesickness', but overall, I've moved on and am okay with that. I miss what it represented to me and the way my life WAS back then- the same reasons why I miss New York. I miss who I became in the studio.

It has taken me a long time to realise that my eating disorder is inside of me. Changing the outside doesn't change the inside- dancing helped me manage my relationship with my body/food, and it felt like the floor had been pulled from beneath me when I had to stop.

That void is still there. How do I manage it? I try different things. Some days writing helps. Some days long walks help. Some days being with other people helps. Some days being by myself helps. There is no "one size fits all"- finding what works at any given moment is trial and error. Every day is different- I wake up with a slightly different view of the world and of myself. My goals change, my perception changes, the seasons change. I am trying, to the best of my ability, to face up to what I am thinking and feeling. To own it, to accept it, to embrace it. To say, "this is where I am right now". I have crappy moments and crappy days- but who doesn't? Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I am starting to see that it is the contrast between the rainstorms and sunshine that make me appreciate the sun's warmth, and gives me the strength to brave the storms.

So yes, the blog has changed a lot over the last 200 posts. So have I. I am becoming ME- discovering and creating the strong and independent person I want to be, who doesn't need anorexia in her life, who has the strength to fight her own demons, and speaks her own truth. This is not the end of my journey by any means- in some ways, it's just a beginning. A beginning I am excited about because it's the start of a solo journey- without anorexia by my side.

Woah. That was longer than I intended. Sorry guys!


Food and fun and shenanigans...


Breakfast at the lovely hour of 5am...


Bran flakes, Fage cherry twin pot and microwaved banana. Heaven in a bowl! I've never seen the Fage 2% yogurts here aside from the twin pots- anyone in the UK managed to hunt it down?


Snack- Sam over at Eat Natural was kind enough to send my some of their new bars to try!




This was DELICIOUS! The chewy dried fruit, the crunchy nuts, the crisp puffed rice and yogurt coating was an amazing combination. It tasted just like Bakewell Tart! Check out all the fruit and nuts in this bar...



Lunch after work was a new one for me...




Quorn fillets with BBQ sauce, a little shredded cheese and spinach on a wholewheat sandwich thin. This was really good! I've had BBQ sauce in the fridge for months, and never really use it- same with the quorn fillets in my freezer. YAY for branching out and discovering great combinations!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

After A While

A quiet, pleasant day. I am running on 3 hours sleep- a habit I fall into when I am busy. I'm going to need to make a big effort to make sure I get enough sleep now that I am working. Work was great anyway and I'm feeling pretty good about 1) doing all my hours as agreed this week, 2) being more on top of things/less overwhelmed at work and 3) having something productive (LIFE, baby!) to do with my time.

I spent a while last night looking at my blog entries from this time last year when I was in new York, and the months that followed. I am thankful that I am where I am today, and looking back can see how far I have come this year. I am grateful for the progress, even if at times it has felt frustratingly slow. It's hard to see or feel on a day-to-day basis, but looking back to a year ago, I can see how much I have changed.

It's been, overall, a pretty good week.

AFTER A WHILE

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

and company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises.

You begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman,

not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers-

And you learn that you really can endure

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn...

with every goodbye you learn.

**********

Breakfast:

Fage, pumpkin and chocolate raisin mini oatibix drizzled with peanut butter. I am LOVING peanut butter with cold cereal- might need to make a permanent switch from oats for the summer months!

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on wholewheat bun.

Snack:

Almost expired Clif bar- if I get sick, I'm going to blame all you guys who gave assurance that you ignore "use by" dates and have lived to tell the tale :P

What's everyone got planned for the weekend?

Left In The Dust

Dear ellie,

It's time to get a grip. Everyone around you is changing and moving on, and you are still acting the same way you did when you were 13. Then you wonder why you don't have a real job or friends or can't live in New York. You've had chances time after time after time to turn things around and your half-hearted attempts have been nothing short of pathetic. Everyone you lived with for all those years in hospital have either 1) recovered, 2) died, or 3) still spend their lives drifting aimlessly from one institution to the next. Why are you you SO torn between the 3 options? Why can you not just grow the hell up and move on from this? You SAY you want a LIFE- that you want to live in New York, have friends/a social life, go back to dancing, write a book, have a career. You say all this stuff about all these cool things you WANT to do with your life, but at the end of the day, you choose a number on a scale over and above everything else. It's gotten old. It doesn't MATTER what you weigh or precisely how many grams of protein you eat. NOBODY CARES. It's not important in the grand scheme of things if you eat X calories or X + 5 calories. You are the only one who is counting. People have given up and turned their backs. The ones that HAVE stuck around feel obligated to do so because of parental obligations or moral duties of care. Friends? Relatives? Colleagues? They don't want to watch you play this childlike game anymore. It's boring, it's self-centred and it's not getting you anywhere you want to be going.

If you want change, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Let go of the stupid irrational fears and anxieties. Stop obsessing over numbers. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else around you- accept what you ARE because you just ARE WHAT YOU ARE. Whether you like it or not, you are always going to be YOU. Deal with it. Yeah, the economy sucks, a job might suck, people might still hate you/be angry with you. The world, on the whole, can be a crappy, lonely and stressful place. Everyone else just sucks it up and deals with it, taking the good with the bad- what is so different about YOU that if it's not 100% perfect, you don't want any part of it? It's such an immature way of viewing situations. You act like a spoilt brat- things don't go your way? "Oh yeah...let's see how much weight I can lose then I'll somehow become a valuable person again." Seriously. Buck up.

Whatever point you were originally trying to prove has been proven a LONG time ago- do you even remember what it was? Didn't think so. Likely that there never was a real 'point' to be made and somehow things happened and you fell into a habit of self-destructing anytime things get rough and never actually bothered to try handling things differently.

Starving isn't the answer. Exercising isn't the answer. Diet pills aren't the answer. Hospital isn't the answer. The answer doesn't lie in behaviours or interventions from doctors- you don't even know what the damn question is anymore so how will you know when you HAVE the answer? Maybe you had it all along.

Stop complaining that everyone has moved on with their lives and that you feel left behind. Did you expect them to wait forever? People grow up and move on. It's time you did the same. Pull your thoughts away from obsessing over what weight you are/want to be and see the truth: none of that is important. Friends, family, job, travelling, LIFE- that is what's important. Not how much/how little you eat. Life shrinks and expands in proportion to courage- you say that all the time. yet you complain how 'small' your world is, how you never do the things you dream of... It's up to YOU to make the dreams a reality rather than wallowing in misery and obsessions and never actually taking action.

Get over yourself. You are sick of this and you know it. And everyone around you is sick of it too.
the real ellie x

*******

Some pictures?..

Breakfast this morning was more pumpkin...

Banana oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, cinnamon, mashed banana) with pumpkin, topped with white chocolate wonder peanut butter.

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday:


"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and spinach on a wholewheat roll. I am so in love with quorn products right now- I like the "ham" slices better than these though. Much less 'fake' tasting. (And yes, the weather is still inspiring fall/winter foods. Someone send me some sunshine!)

Snack today was dictated by my sore throat and cold...


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with milk, soaked for a while to go mushy! This cereal is great- it's not sweet at all aside from the chocolate chips and raisins (though it is lacking in the raisin department- next time I'll add my own!)

Usual disclaimer: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

I'm really upset that all the stores in Edinburgh seem to have stopped selling Amy's burritos. I can still get a few of the meals, but I LOVE the burritos and they are nowhere to be found. So sad. I ended up rather impulsively buying a bunch of ready-made entrees today. I don't know quite what the appeal was at the time and shoved them in the freezer as soon as I got home. I guess it will force me to branch out from my usual foods and have some new stuff, but seriously... I need to stop buying food. I have plenty to use up! So pictures over the next couple of weeks will hopefully be repetitive (boring for you guys- good for my wallet :P)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Like Riding A Bike

I am kind of embarrassed about yesterday's post. I feel like I shouldn't be having these struggles anymore- that having made the commitment to recovery that these thoughts should just go away. That this should somehow be easier than it is. I feel like I am constantly fighting this stupid barrage of negative thoughts (which often seem perfectly rational) and giving myself pep-talks every waking hour. I guess it was a little unrealistic of me to expect things to miraculously change, but it's frustrating nonetheless to still be bombarded by anorexia's daggers.

Something that has been on my mind the past couple of days was something I read in the book I mentioned the other day. She talked about an event that occurred several years into recovery which she classed as a "defining moment". It wasn't a milestone in a 'recovery' sense, but it was a time when she suddenly realised that she was past the stage of anorexia.

This struck a chord with me because I see my moves to New York as something I hope will BE that "defining moment"- when I am able to think, "I've made it". To look back and realise that anorexia is no longer infiltrating my everyday life and I am living the normal life I have been striving for. What I've failed to grasp, until now, is that there is a process leading up to that defining moment. Things don't change by moving locations- yes, one day, I hope to move back to New York and will look back and see how far I have come in my journey, but I need to have more patience and tolerance for the steps between now and then.

I think it's kind of like riding a bike. You start with stabilisers- you wobble, you fall. You get back on and start pedaling again- sometimes you veer into hedges or don't brake in time. After a while, the stabilisers come off- again, you wobble and tumble and crash. It gets easier with practice and patience until you slowly pick up momentum, going faster and faster and then realise that you are DOING it. You are pedalling along, picking up speed, the wind blowing in your hair. You weave in and out of obstacles without any major upset. You are now a proficient rider and free to go wherever the path leads, knowing that you have the skills and expertise to manage the hills, the rocks, the sharp turns.

That's my deep thought for the day :P

***********

Some pictures? I think so!

Breakfast this morning featured an individual pack of a new cereal I was given:


With pumpkin, fage, cinnamon and peanut butter:


This was my first time trying peanut butter on cold cereal, and I LOVED it. I mixed it all up and every few bites would get a little peanut butter and cereal 'sandwich'. I might have to buy a bix box of this cereal- it was delicious with the pumpkin/peanut butter combination.

Today's lunch was inspired by the horrendous weather we are having- seriously, it's like winter here. I should not need a down-stuffed coat in MAY!


"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn slices, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and fresh spinach on a wholewheat roll. Perfect Thanksgiving 'summer' lunch.

Anyone got anything exciting planned for the weekend? I am planning to rest as much as possible and get rid of this cold in time for work on Monday! (and try to hunt down season 8 of Scrubs on DVD!)

Finding Balance

First of all, I just want to say how relieved I am to not be alone in my inability to walk in high heels! I am already far shorter than my friends- so me, in my flats, with them towering above me in their skyscraper shoes makes me feel like a gnome! Though I don't need to worry about running for buses!

I feel like I have reached some kind of internal compromise this week between standing still and moving forward. I talk a lot about my plans to move to New York and the frustration around working towards that too slowly. Often I feel like the fear around making big changes in the long-term paralyses me, leaving me unable to make the small changes necessary to lay the foundations for bigger changes to take place.

Starting work this week has been great. I feel like I am doing something of purpose- both in terms of giving back/helping others, but also (selfishly) having something concrete on my resume and building up experience for when I do eventually move. I've had a lot of thoughts/guilt around not doing more, moving faster, etc, but for the most part this feels like a manageable and realistic plan, whilst all the while becoming stronger and working towards my bigger plans. It's really HARD for me to take things slowly- I have a tendency to either jump headfirst into things, or avoid the world altogether. This is a strange but pleasant balance and I feel good about it right now.

I've also noticed old feelings surfacing that I hadn't experienced since I was working full-time- the cutting back on sleep, disinterest in food/eating, feelings of panic about running out of time/too much to do/generally being overwhelmed. I am trying to pace myself and stay present- this is ONLY a few hours a week and is definitely not "too much". I

am aware, on a rational level, that this feeling or urgency/no time to sleep or eat is coming from an internal drive but it's a little unnerving to think about how I will cope with working 40+ hours a week when 2 mornings a week is proving harder than I thought. I guess that's why taking it slow for now and building up my hours in the future is a good plan.

I am still VERY excited about my trip to New York- October feels like a long time away but I think that the time is going to fly by now that my weeks have more structure. I'd like to set up some things to look forward to in the meantime though- what are you all looking forward to in the coming months?

Onto some food...

I kicked off the weekend with a delicious breakfast.

Chopped/microwaved apple topped with Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. I think I could pretty much live off this combination- it's.so.freaking.good.

Lunch was another quorn "ham"/spinach/tomato chutney sandwich- this time with cheddar cheese instead of laughing cow. I promise I'll switch this up soon- you must be bored of the same old sandwiches each day!

I think I actually prefer the laughing cow for this sandwich, but a little oozy cheese will never go unappreciated in MY house again.

Later came this...

I have been saving these since my trip to NY in November...then suddenly realised that they need used before June.

Close-up of warm brownie healthy snack:

Today's theme apparently has been "melting". I am A-OK with that!

I have been eating a lot of bars recently after discovering quite how many I actually have in my apartment needing used up. I ate them daily for years, but more recently have been having all kinds of snacks and I think I definitely prefer non-bar snacks. These ARE convenient/portable, but I'd rather be having more variety than just bars all the time. What are some of your favourite snacks?

TMI!

I have been tagged by both Sheena and Katie to do the list of 25 random facts making it's way around blogosphere. I feel like I have blurted out a lot of random weirdness in my posts lately so I'll try to keep to things I haven't yet revealed.

1. I worked very briefly at Starbucks in New York and one day was holding a tray of cupcakes- they literally JUMPED out of my hands and cakes went flying all over the store.
2. I can't walk in high heels and I never wear make-up (then I wonder why people ask me for ID)
3. Every summer I buy a bunch of cheap tank tops and paint them with my own slogans. And am continuously amazed by how many comments I get about them!
4. I have never made a boiled egg- I don't think I would even know how. I don't eat eggs much so I can live with this.
5. I have 2 brothers and 2 half-brothers. When I was little, I thought I was really smart to figure out that if two half's made a whole, I really had 3 brothers!
6. I am obsessed with "Scrubs" and have a whole bunch of clips downloaded as MP3's onto my iPod. I can fit a Dr Cox quote into almost every conversation.
7. I am also obsessed with soundtracks from musicals- when I was really young, I was obsessed with 'Annie'. I must have seen it over a hundred times!
8. Aside from my obsession with musicals, I very rarely watch movies. I have never seen Jurrasic Park or Dirty Dancing, and don't know the names of any actors/actresses. They could be sitting next to me in a restaurant and I would never recognise them, let alone know their names and what movies they have been in.
9. I have a tattoo of a rose on my stomach that I got when I was 15.
10. The month before my mom got remarried when I was 16, I had my hair dyed black with bright red streaks and got my eyebrow, lip and nose pierced.
11. I took swimming lessons for 8 years and still can't swim more than about 3 feet.
12. My dream job would be eith at an advertising agency or owning my own t-shirt designing business.
13. I feel more at home in New York than anywhere else I have lived: I love the buzz, the atmosphere, the frenzy, but most of all, I love who I become when I am there.
14. I panic every time I get an email or my phone rings in case I am in "trouble" for something!
15. I can't remember the last time I slept past 6:30am. I am usually awake LONG before then (and go to bed around 9:30!)
16. I haven't taken a ballet class when I was 3- as soon as I mention dancing, people seem to think I mean ballet. The classes I have taken since I "officially" began dancing have been hip-hop, street and breakdancing.
17. I hate citrus fruits and anything citrus flavoured.
18. I worry a lot about what people think of me- I have this notion that everyone is watching me and judging me and am petrified to make contact with a lot of my family because I am so scared of disappointing them.
19. I have never had a cavity/filling.
20. I have a phobia of bees and wasps. This means I do not open windows in my apartment. Ever. It also means that my bathroom is now the "smoking room" (it has an extractor fan). Plus side of this is my apartment doesn't smell of smoke. Word of advice: you may want to pee before you come over. It's a little smoky in there...
21. I could eat deli-made chicken salad wraps for lunch every day and never get tired of them.
22. I am secretly obsessed with other people's careers. I could listen to people talk all day about their jobs... I don't know why it interests me so much, but I am beyond intrigued. Part of why I love reading blogs is because I am so fascinated by how other people spend their time- what they do, what they think about, what they eat. Not in an eating disordered way, I am just so curious about how other people experience the world around them.
23. I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was 20 and ever since then, have been unable to eat crunchy foods. It's like I have 'phantom teeth' and when I try to bite into stuff, it hurts a LOT where the teeth used to be. You'd think I would be used to it by now (6 years!) but I avoid any hard/crunchy foods.
24. I have a pretty dry sense of humour- people often look at me funnily and can't figure out if I am being serious or joking. Chances are, if I am talking, I am joking. I find it VERY difficult to have serious conversations- the urge to crack a joke/lighten things up is just too tempting.
25. I have never eaten a blondie, guacamole, a burrito (aside from Amy's!) or a hot fudge sundae though am 110% sure I would love them all. Aside from guacamole, none of these are easy to find in the UK but are on my list of things I want to do when I am next in NY!

So now you have lots of unnecessary useful information about me (no black-mailing, thanks!) Any questions, ask away!

Onto the good stuff...

I fueled up for day 2 of work with one of my favourite (and blog-inspired!) breakfasts.

Banana pumpkin oats (oats, milk, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana and pumpkin) topped with peanut butter. Pumpkin (and peanut butter for that matter) are so under-appreciated in the UK. I never understand why- both are just hands-down amazingly delicious and nutritious.

Work was pretty good- definitely less exhausting than yesterday now that I know what to expect. The office was much quieter today since half the staff were on an "away day" (quite what that entails, I do not know!) so I had more of a chance to get to know the few people that were there...and had less people to ask for help when I couldn't figure out what to do :P

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday- why fix what ain't broke, right?

Quorn "ham" (which I am pretty sure IS Kosher when manufactured in the UK. Quite a few of the quorn products are- check your 'Kosher Food Guide' if it's a concern for you!) with laughing cow love cheese, spinach and tomato chutney.

New snack:
I didn't really like this flavour much. So far have tried this one, coconut cream pie and PB cookie. The peanut butter is amazing, but I haven't liked the other two much. This is one of the flavours that IS readily available in the UK though so I might try it again at some point.

Hope everyone's week is tying up nicely so you can relax and enjoy the weekend- what have you got planned?

Fresh Starts

Thank you SO much for the support and encouragement you gave me on last night's post. I'm feeling pretty good about the goals I have set- they feel realistic and achievable at this point. Onwards and upwards!

Today was my first day of my volunteer placement. I LOVED IT! The organisation works with homeless and vulnerable people to help them find accommodation, provides training and helps them back into employment. I am working on the administration side of things- it was a much more fast-paced environment than I was expecting and there was a lot of information to take in and things to learn. After my 3 hours, I was exhausted! In a good way though- I didn't have a single thought about food/weight the entire time which is GREAT and it felt amazing o be doing something worthwhile with my time. The people were all really friendly- it felt SO good to be around people, chatting, socialising, learning again. I've missed interacting with "peers" because that has been seriously lacking since returning to the UK. I was originally to only work one morning a week, but they have started a new project this week and are really overstretched so I am planning on doing 2-3 mornings a week.

In other news, I talked a lot with my mom last night about New York- we decided it's best that I postpone my trip until a bit later this year (October). I am a little disappointed because I was really looking forward to some summer sunshine and getting back to NY sooner, but I think it's for the best to delay things- this way I have a decent chunk of time to get established in a work routine and have a bit more time to improve my own circumstances and get the most out of my trip when I DO go. So although it's not as soon as I hoped, I think time is going to fly by now that I have more structure to my week. Plus this way I have longer to enjoy looking forward to it, right?!

Onto some food...

I started today with some muesli:

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract and sweetener- topped with frozen blueberries and left to soak overnight. I usually add almonds to this but had a crazy banana craving this morning...

I was so busy all morning at work that I had zero appetite when I got home- this has been a downfall of mine when I have worked/been in school full-time before. I completely lose my appetite when I am busy or stressed! Anyone else find this? How do you make sure you get adequate nutrition? It just doesn't come naturally to me to make time for food if I am busy doing other things...good thing I planned ahead.

Lunch was a delicious sandwich:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, tomato relish and spinach on wholewheat bread. This bread is delicious- the slices are small but packed full of seeds/flavour. I am LOVING the quorn "ham" these days! I had never tried laughing cow cheese until recently, but having seen it on so many blogs, wanted to try it. I've been missing out all this time! The creaminess is delicious with the "ham" and the chutney/spinach round out the sandwich perfectly.

I don't have much planned for the rest of the day...catching up on blogs, emails, etc then my support worker is coming by later.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Whilst I remember, check out Missy's great giveaway!

The Shape Of Things To Come

I was going through some of my unpacked boxes last night and found a folder of worksheets from treatment. Included was on of the assignments we did in "Motivational Enhancement Therapy"- two letters we had to write to ourselves, 5 years from now, one as if we had recovered and one as if we hadn't. They were both rather chilling to read- I wrote these almost exactly five years ago and BOTH seem to have come true.

The letter I wrote as if I hadn't recovered was pretty much the same advice I would want to give to myself back then. I had written that I still had yet to find some true meaning/purpose to my days, my social life was still very limited and physical consequences of my behaviour were still a prominent feature in every day life. I wrote about my world still revolving around food, rituals and obsessions- about living from one hospital appointment to the next, one crisis to the next. Loneliness, depression, pain.

The letter I wrote as if I HAD recovered talked about having moved to New York, work, friends, hobbies. About being healthy and LOVING feeling strong (both mentally and physically), and being comfortable with a healthy/strong body. I wrote about how I was seeing my family again, eating my mom's cooking, the birthday cakes I had eaten...how I was an active participant in a world I had created for myself, that included food/diet, my certainly didn't revolve around it.

I look back on the last five years and can see periods of both wellness and sickness- the ups and downs have been in stark contrast...the downs more so probably because of the "ups" in between. Good days/weeks and bad- I guess they balance out somehow.

What it really made me realise is how quickly time does go by, and how easy it is to delay making changes/recovery for "just a little longer" when the reality is that the world doesn't stop turning- things keep changing and moving and I can only ignore it to a certain extent. As long as I stay stuck in my "anorexic bubble", I pretty much block-out the outside world, live in my head and continue to miss out on the LIFE around me- not to mention the life within me that I starve/exercise away because it scares me. It scares me to try in case I fail. In case it isn't what I hoped it would be, in case my eating disorder is the lesser of two evils and that I am better off somehow remaining "safe" with the devil I know rather than taking a risk that doesn't work out.

But I am bored of playing it safe. I know the kind of life anorexia gives me- yes it's predictable, familiar and to a certain extent, feels safe. It's also limiting, suffocating, lonely and insanely DULL.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for”

Life isn't about always playing it safe, taking the easy way out. It's about branching out, doing new things, exploring, discovering, making mistakes, falling down and getting back up again. Daring to dream, daring to dream BIG and taking the risk to see if those dreams can come true.

And that's my shpiel for the day :P

Onto some food!

Breakfast: overnight blueberry almond muesli...

• oats


• unsweetened fromage frais (Greek yoghurt's runny twin sister)


• vanilla extract


• sweetener


• frozen blueberries


• almonds

Left to soak overnight, then mixed together to eat...

I love this- it's so refreshing and would be perfect on a hot day. Too bad Scotland doesn't have many "hot days"!

Lunch was another Mexican bean pate sandwich. Still unspreadable, still delicious- loved the addition of alfalfa sprouts! I bet this would be great on a baked sweet potato...

The Amazing Healing Power Of Sleep

I woke up feeling much better today. Never underestimate the healing powers of sleep (+ proper food!). I am always amazed by the impact physical state has on emotional state- anyone else noticed this? When I am getting adequate nutrition and rest, my thoughts are so much clearer and mood so much brighter. It's a vicious cycle when I start restricting because inevitably my sleep patterns become more disrupted leading to deeper depression/fuzzier thinking leading to falling back into old coping skills (more restricting)...it's definitely something that is easier to prevent in the first place than pull myself out of!

Work induction went well. Everyone seems really nice and am all set to start next week. There are a couple new projects starting up so it's going to be really busy- I'll just be there one morning a week initially doing admin work, then I'll increase my hours and be working more in the marketing/PR department.

In EXCITING NEWS (!), I am planning my trip to New York and can't WAIT. I am beyond excited. Dates yet to be confirmed, but I'm looking at the last week in August and first two weeks in September. Blogger meet-up anyone?

And some other oh-so-exciting stuff (who am I kidding? :P )-

Breakfast:

Banana oatmeal (oats, vanilla, mashed banana, milk) with frozen raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter. I missed my pumpkin oats- these raspberries were REALLY sour, despite the sweetness of the banana and peanut butter. I think breakfast is my favourite meal of the day- most people I know eat the same stuff for breakfasts most days (cereal and/or toast) but for me it's when I am most creative and try lots of new combinations. I also eat really early (wake up around 5:30, drink coffee then eat) so I am usually calm and the outside world is quiet and peaceful. What's your favourite meal of the day and why?

Snack:

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar spread with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Peanut butter twice in one day? Why not?!

Lunch:

Mexican bean pate and tomato sandwich. A new find! The pate was really good but somewhat unspreadable and stayed in a big slab despite my efforts to mush it around. Tasted great though! I just noticed that almost all my meals today have been BROWN. At least my sour raspberries added a splash of colour if nothing else!

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday so far- weekend is almost here! What have you got planned?

More Than My Emotions

I slept for a total of about 4 hours last night so much of today has been spent in a kind of daze. I'm tired, but not "sleepy" tired- I feel flat, hopeless, sad. Those are my signals that I need rest and it's hard sometimes to see them as signs of being tired rather than taking them at face-value and thinking that I AM hopeless/depressed. I'm just tired. I need to keep reminding myself of that today and make sure I get a decent night's sleep (first day of work tomorrow!) and hold onto the knowledge that I WILL feel much better once I am refreshed.

My dad always says, "don't make any major decisions when you are tired or hungry"- I struggle with this and tend to leap into whatever my emotions lead me to, but not tonight. I'm tired and not going to make any rash or impulsive decisions. Nothing is so urgent it needs dealt with tonight- I declare Wednesday evenings "mid-week weekend"!

I did clean my entire apartment at 5am so at least something productive comes out of insomnia :P

And of course, today has involved food...

Since my pumpkin breakfast cookie was a disaster, I tried something different:


Quaker instant raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I usually like plain oats with my own mix-ins, but this flavour is awesome- I swear it tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled!) topped with mashed banana and Fage. Delicious!

A new (to me) lunch:

Tofu marinaded in BBQ sauce (pan-fried due to oven situation!) with a little cheddar cheese on Arnold's sandwich thin. This was my first time cooking tofu and I loved it! (Though everything tastes good with melted cheese!)

I definitely have a tendency to over-stuff my sandwiches! When I was in New York, I was amazed by how much filling they cram in between two slices of bread. In the UK, a turkey sandwich generally consists of bread, butter, 2 thin slices of turkey and a leaf of limp lettuce. I prefer my NY style sandwiches!

Snack:

I'm not generally a fan of Luna bars- the texture throws me a bit because it's more light/crispy than my usual favourites (Clif, Pureprotein). This flavour tastes like a rice crispie treat though so matches well with the texture.

I just want to say how much strength and motivation I am taking from reading everyone's blogs. I don't always comment, but it's been so helpful to me to read about everyone's journeys with all their ups and downs, share in the peaks and troughs of recovery/life (I read a lot of non-ED blogs). The blogging community has become such a huge part of my life and although this sounds really cheesy, I just wanted to say thank-you!

Pssst...check out the awesome Holey Donut giveaway !