It's been a really long time since I have written. A lot has happened, a lot has changed...and yet despite the drastic changes, so much remains the same.
Since my last entries, I have moved to New York. I've started seeing friends again (and developed an intense phobia of being alone after several long months in complete isolation back in the UK). I've restarted therapy. I've been working. I've been having fun. I've been trying desperately to appear "normal"- happy, carefree, conscientious, hardworking, sociable.
At night, after work, I come home exhausted and broken. I feel broken. Something still feels very wrong, and I'm not sure what. Of course, I am blaming everything else around me- my apartment, my job, the heat, the city itself...anything to avoid looking inside of myself and questioning what it is that makes me feel so empty and desperate.
Don't get me wrong. I am happier in New York. I am happy that I am doing all the things I have been doing. Yet some stuff remains so unchanged. My rituals, routines, my oatmeal-for-dinner habit, the constant weighing/measuring/checking...just to make sure I am not taking up more space than I deserve.
I have flashes of inspiration. Moments where I feel like I have everything now, and it's finally okay to let my eating disorder go...then moments so bleak when I cling to the darkness because it keeps me safe from everything around me.
I am confused.
I am conflicted.
I don't have the time anymore to give either recovery or relapse much thought. My eating disorder is in the background, running it's course, and I am ignoring it because, dammit, I have bills to pay, meetings to go to, work to do. I can't afford the luxury of indulging either the healthy or sick parts that exist within me.. Which of course becomes and excuse to fall further into my disorder. "I'm too busy to eat/I don't have time to cook/I don't have money to eat out/I can't take time off work to see a doctor". All of which is TRUE. To an extent. But I wonder how long the current status quo is sustainable for. Whether it is going to come crashing down around me like the past few years in New York, or if somehow, this is going to fix itself (I am really rather lazy when it comes to putting in effort to more than one thing, and my current focus is on being able to pay my rent!). I also can't afford the luxury of considering whether my current situation is even worth thinking through- because if I realise/decide I am not doing well, then I am obligated to do something about it. And I don't want to. Yes I do. No I don't/
Like I said, I am conflicted.
A few things I have realised since coming back though;-
- I am very easily influenced by what goes on around me
- if I don't make a conscious effort to take care of basic needs like eating/sleeping, I just...don't
- I need to spend more time around healthy people
- I am a really good liar (especially to myself)
- people who stand in line at Starbucks for 15 mins, then STILL haven't decided what they want by the time they get to the register are REALLY ANNOYING
- people who charge $150 to tell you that you should start painting and "all will be well" are also REALLY ANNOYING