I do sometimes feel like I am living in a soap opera. I'm in an awkward relationship- actually, several. Several that are held together by the one thing pulling them apart, and I watch on in horror as if it's somebody else's life unfolding before my eyes- the whole "will they? won't they?", going around in circles, back and forth, to and fro...is it ever going to end? Who knows. The cycle is painfully pathetic to watch. The common theme in all of these relationships is ME. An analyst might say that I put myself in these situations out of low self-esteem/self-hatred/whatever. I think I do it purely because it's all that I know HOW to do. I remain pulled towards something that I know is not healthy for me, yet remain convinced on some level that the relationship has something to offer me.
I cling to hope.
I believe the lies.
I believe that it will all work out well in the end.
All evidence suggests that it most definitely isn't going to work out as I hope- yet I stay stuck, working away, hoping that this episode will have a happy ending. Is there such a thing? Really? This is real life. Not a soap opera. I'm writing the script- the same storyline played out in various scenarios. Where do I find some new material? This is starting to get old.
Fast forward 3/6/9 months and I've moved on to something else. Yet I remain watchful of that old flame which still flickers. I can't let it die out- not yet. As long as there is a glimmer of light, there's a chance that now is the right time to rush in and rekindle it. Ouch. Again, I've gotten burned, and I sit surrounded by ashes berating myself for making the same mistake again, and again, and again.
I want it to be over. REALLY over. I hate feeling that I *need* this. I hate feeling dependant. I hate feeling like my whole existence is based upon my expectations of someone/something else. It's so hard to walk away- I don't know if I can. Or how. Or where I would end up. At least with this, I can predict what is going to happen, as miserable as it may be.
eleven months old.
4 weeks ago