I must have written and rewritten this post about fifteen times by now.
I received news yesterday that a friend from treatment passed away yesterday. I'm not ready to talk about it at this moment, but I did feel a need to say something.
I know most of my readers are waging their own wars against their eating disorders right now. I beg you, to KEEP on battling. To carry on with this fight for your life, because if you don't- who will? We don't need to do this alone, but ultimately, the demons are within us. It's up to us to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and make the choices necessary to move beyond this horrible illness. The results of listening to that voice in your head is beyond tragic- either ending in death, or a tortured existence. Nobody deserves to be trapped in an eating disordered life. Nobody chooses to be afflicted with an eating disorder- but we, as sufferers, CAN fight our way out of this. Hell, I don't know right now if I even believe this. There are so many unanswered questions in my head right now and I don't know if I am making sense right now.
All I know is the statistics. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition. 20% of sufferers I die. I look around my friends who struggle with eating disorders, and thought of losing anyone, is heart wrenching. I have lost too many friends to this, and I can't even contemplate the thought of losing more. I doubt these people ever realised quite how much they meant to their friends and family... I question my own value to MY friends and family.
Right now I am questioning whether death is inevitable, whether recovery is even possible, whether this is all that there really is.
Deep down, I know that what I *really* believe is that nobody is destined to lose the battle they are facing. Everyone has a fighting chance, and if you grab it and FIGHT LIKE HELL, the odds of winning are in your favour. So I ask this of you, of ALL of you, to never back down. To fight and fight and fight until your eating disorder is obliterated. Face fear in the face and LAUGH. Acknowledge that voice in your head telling you to restrict/purge/exercise and IGNORE IT. Set challenges each and every day- take every opportunity you get to leap towards a life free from this hell.
Why?
Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to be free.
Just checking in
5 years ago
1 comment:
to ellie and all of ellie's readers.
like ellie i've typed and retyped this and decided just to write...
i am totally inspired (and a tad relieved in some sense) to hear you writing this ellie; sometimes, awfully, it takes a loss to spur you on - to realise that ED is a liar. loosing a mere 1 pound can make the difference between living (and surviving to FIGHT LIKE FUCK AND STRIVE FOR RECOVERY.. then recover and party like nothing on earth!!!!!) or.... be small and loose that fight..
this sounds harsh, but i came within inches of ED. im not one of those mild Edisorder characters. i gave up and let it consumer me... other people had to fight for me and their will was stronger.
somehow.. somehow i have a beautiful son! going with your instincts and your body's needs goes a long way.
the TRUTH? hear this, and read it several times over:
you will NEVER be small enough. YOU WILL NEVER BE SMALL ENOUGH
you will not get to that ultimate weight because everytime you do the goalposts will be moved. ED implies death or death. yeah then you will be gorgeous. but none of you friends and family who love you so so much will be able to see you.
ellie, god, babe, i am so so sorry that you lost lorrie. i didn;t know her but hell im sure if she was a friend of yours she was a character! that she fought like hell and was still fighting when she lost. she is not far away.
have utter hate and distaste for her ED, and as a result, yours, and shove two fingers up to it for the hurt and pain it has just caused you. take courage and strength and the energy lorrie emitted as a person and use it to get well. to GAIN some weight so your body can function and work WITH you, not against you, so you can smile and laugh and FEEL it inside, rather than smile with your mouth. eat shit girl, take life and live it because hell, im not going to another ed friend's funeral.
to everyone: if you have fought this long, and are still alive....? time to question why.. because you are a fighter. do it and come laugh!
am waiting to party xxxxx KALI
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