Inside I'm Still Dancing: clothes

I reread earlier's post and realised that I have been saying the same exact thing since starting my blog. That I WANT recovery, "but"... and there is always a BUT. I don't know why there is so much ambivalence. Tonight, stepping back, it's clear: recovery does NOT guarantee happiness, health, a stable job, a safe and comfortable place to live, Independence, a social life. But anorexia DOES guarantee that none of that will be possible (I know some of you manage to juggle school/work/life on some level, etc- it doesn't work for me). I guess that recovery is just one huge leap of faith, and holding onto the fact that anorexia leads down a road to nowhere, but recovery at least opens up the doors to new things.

I don't want to be writing this same post in 6 months/ a year/5 years. I don't want to be living in supported housing, reliant on a treatment team to tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to be obsessing over the size of my apples when I turn 27 later this year. I want to go for it. Having weighed up the pros and cons for what seems like forever, having tried (and failed) to juggle an eating disorder with the "normal" life I crave, having tried time after time to RECOVER without doing XYZ. I make a big song and dance when I do challenge myself or step out of my comfort zone- because it's damn hard for me to do it. But at the same time, I do it once and don't do it again. I don't sustain any changes I make because I have these ideas that "eh, done it once, don't need to do it again" so fall into my old patterns.

I'm hunting through my stuff to find my old meal plans, my treatment hand outs, looking into volunteering a few days a week since I can't work at the moment (and seriously, sitting around with no structure to the day EVERY day is enough to pull anyone down into depression).

I need to change and I know it. I need to buckle down and start MAKING these changes instead of talking about them, thinking about them, analysing them.

Nike-style: Just Do It

Aaaand... I have pictures. cause I know you like them :P

Breakfast is my favourite time of the day, and every time I eat this combination, I wonder why I even bother with other breakfasts (oh yeah- pumpkin is in limited supply! Doh!)