Investments and Savings

I know, SUCH an eye-catching title for a Monday :P

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with somebody about 'opening a bank account'. Not a regular bank account: a HAPPINESS bank account. The theory was/is that for every positive experience you have, you savour it while it lasts and then stash away the memory in this bank account. Over time, the 'capital' builds and then when the chips are down in life, you can head to the 'bank', pull out some of those happy times and relive the memories of when things get brighter.

I used to think that my 'bad' days were unique to me- it's only been pretty recently that I've realised that EVERYONE has crappy days. Everyone has days where everything seems to go wrong, or something bad happens or just a general "blah" feeling for no tangible reason. I'd love to be one of those people who are happy all the time and take everything in their stride- but I'm not. I over analyse things, I worry too much about stuff outwith my control and I take things very personally. I think this 'bank account' concept is such a great idea because on the inevitable crappy days, it's hard to remember that it's JUST a 'bad' day and it happens to most people. Some more frequently than others, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and occasional rainfalls are just part and parcel of being human.

So now my question: what good stuff has happened to you lately that you would want to put in your happiness account?

Heh, sometimes I feel like I think/talk too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep things lighter and write about...shoes? Interior design? Spaghetti?

Yes, food talk is good. So lets get to that...

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Last night's dinner turned into a 'pot luck'-type event. I pulled a container out of the freezer yesterday morning- I could identify red stuff (tomato sauce), white chunks which I thought were beans and green stuff which I thought was mould herbs. Bean stew?

PASTA! I was secretly very happy to discover this lay inside the icy box... This was made a while ago (containing a tomato herb sauce with melted laughing cow cheese, chopped up quorn filllet, broccoli and pasta) and I completely forgot I had some left. I should start labelling my tupperware (or just having fun with the surprises that come out of my freezer!) Where my beans have gone too, I have no idea...

Breakfast this morning was a K-inspired parfait...

Chopped apple, Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. This glass is this biggest one I own, but I think I need a proper parfait glass. I ended up throwing this into a bowl so I could mix it up properly...this picture is much prettier though so I won't show you the bowl-shot!

Money-shot of a snack...

Caramel peanut nougat Atkins bar. I am *not* an Atkins 'fan' by any means, but I like anything with chocolate and caramel high-protein snacks. The ingredient list kind of made me feel like I was in a chemistry lab, but hey...it tasted good.

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

Just...(not) Perfect

I was asked last week to write an article about my struggle with anorexia and recovery. I jumped at the idea, without really giving it too much thought. It's been a much harder task than I anticipated- putting something into words what doesn't really, to this day, make very much sense to me (never mind anyone who might read it). What became really apparent as my article took shape was my need to be 'perfect'. To be successful, to make something of myself. It wasn't until I started writing and looking back to when this all started that I realised quite how much of an impact my need to prove myself has had on me. The feeling of never been good enough, of never meeting my own standards, of constantly feeling judged and criticised for my flaws.

The article is pretty much finished and I can't quite bring myself to send it. I've mentioned how much trouble I am having with sleep right now and the article is a huge part of that- I wake up at 3am with something I *need* to edit it right at that moment, and before I know it, I have a big mug of coffee in my hand and am hammering away at my laptop. Clearly my desire to have everything 'perfect' is still there!

I don't think this is ever going to go away. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember- my parents were called in to meet with my teacher when I was 6 because I made a mistake on a spelling test and she didn't think that my level of distress was normal for a 6 year old. Every time I have taken a job or gone back to school, it's been a matter of days before this feeling of inadequace/incompetance creeps in and I start running myself into the ground trying to reach that elusive goal of excelling, I retreat into my default of restrtcing because I know I can do that. Having ruled that out as an option, I am left with the question, "how do I accept myself as I am?"

I know, on a rational level, that perfection isn't possible- if it was, I probably wouldn't be aiming for it. It would be nothing special. It would be 'normal'. I want it because I want to feel special, extraordinary. Not for attention or recognition, but because deep down I feel like I need to show the world that I am deserving of a place in it.

I am aware that this is absurd. Nobody is judging or criticising me (nobody whose opinion I care about anyway!). This isn't coming from anyone else, except my own deep-rooted insecurities. I'm trying to let go. To ease up on myself and remind myself that I am good enough just for who I AM- I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need some great high-flying job to define me anymore than I need an eating disorder to define me. Self-acceptance has never been unconditional to me- it's always been based on what grades I got, what awards I won, what job I got, what I weighed. I'm trying so hard to look beyond that: my personality, my sense of humour, my passions. All the things that make me unique and special just for being ME- accepting myself for who I am, not what I have done.

"When you aim for perfection, you discover that it's a moving target"

Meanwhile, the article seems disjointed, inarticulate, nonsensical. There is SO much I want to say but I am struggling to adequately express what I need to in the way I want to. I have sent it to my dad to proofread (English teacher for a father has it's perks!). As anxious as I am about throwing this out there, I am excited beyond words to have the opportunity to share my story. It's been interesting to write, and has definitely made me come to a few realisations about what steps I need to be taking right now.

Any other perfectionists out there who have found some sort of balance/way of letting go?

*******

Munchables...

Memorial Day Muesli!



Usual oats/fromage frais/vanilla/blueberries/almonds- with a dollop of raspberry jam for patriotic/visual purposes! Note to self: almonds + jam is a delicious combination (I need to try almond butter one of these days!)

Snack...


Bare Naked fruit and nut granola with Fage. I could quite happily eat Bare Naked granola all day long (mom- if you are reading this, PLEASE bring some back from NY for me!). Hands down, my favourite snack.

Lunch was another salad- despite the fact that it still feels like winter here in Scotland!


Mushrooms (in a sauce made from melted laughing cow + pesto) with kidney beans, roasted sweet potato and spinach. Pesto is so underrated- this stuff is amazing, and so packed with flavour. I have a whole jar (minus 1/2 tbsp now!) to experiment with so expect more basil parmesan delights...

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend- I thought it was a holiday here in the UK, but having been out and about all morning, don't think it's a holiday in Scotland afterall!

Out With The Old, and In With...???

I think what has triggered the past few days descent into depression has been the commitment I made to maintaining my weight. My thoughts aren't so wrapped up in what/when I am going to eat and instead of numbing everything out, the old feelings of anger/pain have resurfaced. Having ruled out the option of numbing them out through restricting/exercising, I need to find new ways to face them and deal with them- or at least manage them and ride them out and hope that they dissipate. It may just be my perception of them rather than the fact that they are as horrible as they appear to be.

I pulled out my old DBT manual to get some help with this and flicked to the section on "reducing vulnerability to negative emotions". DBT is becoming a lot more widely used in the treatment of eating disorders and I find a lot of it really helpful- what I struggle with is using/practicing the skills when I am in a 'good' frame of mind because I don't see the point- then when a crisis hits, I don't have the skills to fall back on.

Anyway, the section on stabilising emotions is pretty basic stuff in theory:-

• Treat physical illness: take care of your body. See a doctor when necessary. Take prescribed medication
• Balance eating: don't eat too much or too little. Stay away from foods that make you feel overly emotional.
• Avoid mood-altering drugs: Stay off non-prescribed drugs, including alcohol.
• Balance sleep: try to get the amount of sleep that helps you feel good. Keep to a sleep program if you are having trouble sleeping.
• Get exercise: Do some sort of exercise every day- try to build up to 20 minutes of vigorous exercise.
• Build Mastery: Do one thing a day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

These were NOT written for people with eating disorders so my adaptation of the food/exercise ones are a little different- I am definitely noticing a difference after eating certain foods in terms of energy/mood so that's a learning curve for me, and exercise is something I struggle to do in moderation but it's important for me to remember that too much is no better than too little. Balancing my intake is a work in progress but I am definitely making progress with that. I don't use alcohol or drugs but I am cutting back on my caffeine intake to avoid the energy/mood highs and lows that accompany high levels of caffeine.

On to 'mastery'. NOTHING makes me feel as good as going to bed at night feeling like I have accomplished something during the day. For years that has been very much tied into food/weight/exercise/anorexia, and is probably a huge part of the reason why I have clung to those behaviours. My voluntary job is helping, but that's only a couple of days a week. I struggle to think of things I could possibly be good at or what would be quite as satisfying as losing weight, but I need to keep reminding myself that there is NOTHING to be proud of about destroying my body. I think what's been a painful realisation the last few months is that I don't get satisfaction from that anymore. What has been such a 'purpose' for me for the last 14 years is now just an embarrassment- so I am left with the question of what WILL make me feel like I have accomplished something during the day? What is rewarding/satisfying in a healthy way for me? I think this is something a lot of people with eating disorders probably struggle with in recovery-finding something to replace what their eating disorder gave them. That's different for everyone and it's certainly a whole bunch of things for me, but one of them is definitely the feeling that it's something I am 'good' at. However maladaptive/ineffective a coping skill it WAS, it did originally serve a pupose. Not helping is the fact that I don't have a whole lot else to fall back on except my ability to lose weight. But I don't want to pursue that anymore because 1) it's boring, 2) it's not helping me feel any better anymore and 3) I want more out of life. So yeah...back to original question: how do I find things that make me feel good about myself that aren't about losing weight or exercise?..

I do have some pictures today... I am finding it really helpful to be taking photos- it kind of gives a bit extra motivation to branch out and eat different things. If it stops being helpful, I'll stop taking pictures, but for now...it's all good.

The sun is shining today (YAY!) so I made my usual lunch which I've never posted before because I have it several times a week...

Bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts topped with a mix of tuna, rice, kidney beans and salsa. Okay, a week late to pass off as a 'Cinco De Mayo' meal, but everything gets to the UK later so it's all good :P

Best snack ever:

Fage with Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Words can't describe quite how much I LOVE this granola... Thanks again, Sam!

Question: does anyone in real life know about your blog? Both my parents know about it and I know my dad reads occasionally (HI DAD!) but none of the rest of my family do.

Finding Balance

First of all, I just want to say how relieved I am to not be alone in my inability to walk in high heels! I am already far shorter than my friends- so me, in my flats, with them towering above me in their skyscraper shoes makes me feel like a gnome! Though I don't need to worry about running for buses!

I feel like I have reached some kind of internal compromise this week between standing still and moving forward. I talk a lot about my plans to move to New York and the frustration around working towards that too slowly. Often I feel like the fear around making big changes in the long-term paralyses me, leaving me unable to make the small changes necessary to lay the foundations for bigger changes to take place.

Starting work this week has been great. I feel like I am doing something of purpose- both in terms of giving back/helping others, but also (selfishly) having something concrete on my resume and building up experience for when I do eventually move. I've had a lot of thoughts/guilt around not doing more, moving faster, etc, but for the most part this feels like a manageable and realistic plan, whilst all the while becoming stronger and working towards my bigger plans. It's really HARD for me to take things slowly- I have a tendency to either jump headfirst into things, or avoid the world altogether. This is a strange but pleasant balance and I feel good about it right now.

I've also noticed old feelings surfacing that I hadn't experienced since I was working full-time- the cutting back on sleep, disinterest in food/eating, feelings of panic about running out of time/too much to do/generally being overwhelmed. I am trying to pace myself and stay present- this is ONLY a few hours a week and is definitely not "too much". I

am aware, on a rational level, that this feeling or urgency/no time to sleep or eat is coming from an internal drive but it's a little unnerving to think about how I will cope with working 40+ hours a week when 2 mornings a week is proving harder than I thought. I guess that's why taking it slow for now and building up my hours in the future is a good plan.

I am still VERY excited about my trip to New York- October feels like a long time away but I think that the time is going to fly by now that my weeks have more structure. I'd like to set up some things to look forward to in the meantime though- what are you all looking forward to in the coming months?

Onto some food...

I kicked off the weekend with a delicious breakfast.

Chopped/microwaved apple topped with Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. I think I could pretty much live off this combination- it's.so.freaking.good.

Lunch was another quorn "ham"/spinach/tomato chutney sandwich- this time with cheddar cheese instead of laughing cow. I promise I'll switch this up soon- you must be bored of the same old sandwiches each day!

I think I actually prefer the laughing cow for this sandwich, but a little oozy cheese will never go unappreciated in MY house again.

Later came this...

I have been saving these since my trip to NY in November...then suddenly realised that they need used before June.

Close-up of warm brownie healthy snack:

Today's theme apparently has been "melting". I am A-OK with that!

I have been eating a lot of bars recently after discovering quite how many I actually have in my apartment needing used up. I ate them daily for years, but more recently have been having all kinds of snacks and I think I definitely prefer non-bar snacks. These ARE convenient/portable, but I'd rather be having more variety than just bars all the time. What are some of your favourite snacks?

Are We There Yet? (part 2)

I wanted to say more about yesterday's post. I think that a lot of my frustration stems from "recovery" being REALLY hard to define or put into words. I want something I can hold up and say, "look- all better now". A healthy body would be one sign, but a healthy mind? How do you prove that? (which begs the question, to whom exactly do I want to prove it to?) All the things that I had originally clung to as indicators of "normality" (a job, etc), I've disqualified as nothing more than external achievements which don't really prove anything, let alone stability/wellness/recovery.

Oy vey. Back to the drawing board I guess? I feel like I am going in circles with all of this, when perhaps I should be focusing more on the small everyday goals/accomplishments rather than spending so much energy focusing on what recovery is/isn't, what's normal/abnormal.

Anyway, my internet is FIXED! I am excited beyond words- my new connection is much faster, I can view/post pictures and so far, is much more reliable. *touches wood*

So, onto more fun stuff :)

Breakfast this morning:


Chopped/microwaved apple topped with fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Love this granola so much! This is one of my favourite breakfasts- apple cobbler at 6am? Heck yes!

Afternoon "snack" (Katie- I hate that word too!)

Pumpkin spice Clif bar- love the frosting and chunks of raisins in this. I ordered a box in December which I am slowly getting through then have a giant stash of maple nut to work on. Clif burn-out in the foreseeable future I think!

And, I COOKED! I tried to bake something on Saturday and realised that my oven doesn't work. I was right not to trust it- it's seriously in need of some industrial strength cleaner, but I thought I should try it. After 20 minutes of sticking my head and hands in mounds of smelly grease, I gave up. Hob and microwave will do!

Quorn mince in tomato sauce with spaghetti + parmesan cheese and steamed spinach.

I could eat spinach all day long- raw, cooked...love it. Though have yet to brave it in a fruit smoothie! One day maybe ;)

Usual disclaimer: everything that is pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

Danielle tagged me to do the "survey of 8's" that's making it's way through blogosphere...

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

1. a long hot shower tonight
2. starting work on Thursday
3. more summer sunshine
4. my amazon order arriving
5. my TV being fixed
6. catching up on blogs tonight (so happy about my internet!)
7. seeing my mom this weekend
8. my trip to New York in August (woo!)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. stocked up on chewing gum
2. had a meeting about photography group
3. cleaned my kitchen and bathroom
4. doctors appointment
5. finished my book
6. had my first iced coffee of the year (!)
7. grocery shopping
8. played with my camera

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. get a copywriting job at an advertising agency in New York
2. move back to New York (without having to worry about work/money so much)
3. go to Australia
4. go to California
5. write a book
6. start my own t-shirt designing business
7. become fluent in another language
8. learn to walk in high heels

8 Shows I Watch:

1. QI
2. Scrubs
3. Mock The Week
4. 8 out of 10 Cats
5. Everybody Loves Raymond
6. Badeil and Skinner Unplanned
7. Sex and The City
8. Sabrina The Teenage Witch (and I am NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT :P )

So now I am to tag 8 people- apologies if you have been tagged already!

1. Katie
2. Sam
3. Lexi
4. Leiba
5. Sophia
6. Stef
7. Emily
8. Pam

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Talked The Talk...Put On Your Walking Shoes!

I reread earlier's post and realised that I have been saying the same exact thing since starting my blog. That I WANT recovery, "but"... and there is always a BUT. I don't know why there is so much ambivalence. Tonight, stepping back, it's clear: recovery does NOT guarantee happiness, health, a stable job, a safe and comfortable place to live, Independence, a social life. But anorexia DOES guarantee that none of that will be possible (I know some of you manage to juggle school/work/life on some level, etc- it doesn't work for me). I guess that recovery is just one huge leap of faith, and holding onto the fact that anorexia leads down a road to nowhere, but recovery at least opens up the doors to new things.

I don't want to be writing this same post in 6 months/ a year/5 years. I don't want to be living in supported housing, reliant on a treatment team to tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to be obsessing over the size of my apples when I turn 27 later this year. I want to go for it. Having weighed up the pros and cons for what seems like forever, having tried (and failed) to juggle an eating disorder with the "normal" life I crave, having tried time after time to RECOVER without doing XYZ. I make a big song and dance when I do challenge myself or step out of my comfort zone- because it's damn hard for me to do it. But at the same time, I do it once and don't do it again. I don't sustain any changes I make because I have these ideas that "eh, done it once, don't need to do it again" so fall into my old patterns.

I'm hunting through my stuff to find my old meal plans, my treatment hand outs, looking into volunteering a few days a week since I can't work at the moment (and seriously, sitting around with no structure to the day EVERY day is enough to pull anyone down into depression).

I need to change and I know it. I need to buckle down and start MAKING these changes instead of talking about them, thinking about them, analysing them.

Nike-style: Just Do It

Aaaand... I have pictures. cause I know you like them :P

Breakfast is my favourite time of the day, and every time I eat this combination, I wonder why I even bother with other breakfasts (oh yeah- pumpkin is in limited supply! Doh!)

• pumpkin
• oats
• banana
• milk
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter

Food of kings I tell you, food of KINGS!

Second favourite breakfast:

• apple (microwaved)
• bare naked fruit and nut granola (love it!)
• fage

And what's that? Non-food pics?..

I pretty much live in jeans and sweatshirts. My mom got me this at the weekend!

And my all-time favourite t-shirt. Ignore the wrinkles- it's been crumpled in a drawer all winter!

Let's see if it ever actually gets warm enough to wear a t-shirt in Edinburgh...

Choosing The Unbeaten Path

As part of my "intuitive eating" goal, I've been thinking a lot about the foods I used to eat pre-eating disorder in an attempt to get back in touch with the foods I genuinely enjoy. Of course, taste buds change over time (cold hot dogs no longer appeal!) but some of my old favourites still stand. A recent conversation with Lee also got me thinking about foods I ate in the depths of my eating disorder- not necessarily "disordered" foods per se, but in the context of my diet at the time, they certainly were. I shy away from these foods now because they remind me of a time when I was actively trying to destroy myself, and no matter how much I might still enjoy them, I can't shake off what they represent to me these days.

This has sparked a whole load of thoughts about the strong links between food and emotions, I think everyone can probably name certain foods that they see as comforting or that evoke certain memories (good or bad) and it's difficult to break away from that and see the food for all that it is, because it represents so much more.

Back to the intuitive eating goal, I am finding it really difficult to even KNOW what I enjoy eating. Taste, texture, etc- I am only now starting to rediscover my likes and dislikes and am trying to stay in the present moment and see it as "just a snack/meal" without thinking further into the last time I ate it/what else I ate that day/where I was in my disorder (or recovery) at the time. It's really HARD!

But, I think it ultimately comes down to CHOICE. I didn't choose to get sick, but I have choices now whether I push these memories aside and make new ones, whether I allow these memories/fears to dictate my choices or if I acknowledge the fear, bite the bullet and EAT IT ANYWAY. regardless of how I might feel during or after, regardless of what I ate for breakfast this time last year, regardless of whether it's raining/my ankle hurts/it's winter.

Recovery is a choice. A choice I have to consciously make, countless times every day. Each time my body sends me a signal saying it needs fuel/rest/exercise. Each time a thought pops into my head about calories, weight or the desire to fall headfirst into anorexia. I need to remind myself that I am CHOOSING to make healthy choices. It's not easy by any means and I can only hope that in time it will get easier.

I see it like this: imagine walking through a forest. You are walking down a beaten down path because it seems the obvious route. You know that it's potentially dangerous and going in the completely wrong direction, but it's the easier option that starting the arduous task of beating down your OWN path which will be hard work, but end up where you want to be going. So you start beating down your own path and start hiking. You get tired, you stray to the other a few times- but the more skilled you get at maneuvering your way through the branches and trees, the easier it gets. The thrill you then start getting from making a brand new path starts to outweigh the short-term benefit of the old path. Initially you need to really FORCE yourself to stick with your goal destination and keep ploughing down the trees...but over time, the old path holds no appeal.

So tell me: what path are you taking today, and what steps are you taking towards your destination?

On to pictures... :)



My beloved Bare Naked fruit and nut granola (I LOVE this stuff but can't get it in the UK so am rationing my sole bag for a once-a-week thing) with microwaved apple and fage...ah...




And, snackity-snack. I actually had a different bar in my hand, camera posed, then realised I wanted vanilla almond goodness! This is my LAST Luna sunrise bar- and damn, it was good! Things taste so much better when it's the specific thing you WANT!



And another collage I found whilst unpacking:



This is actually tiny (fits in my purse). I made it a few years ago when I was on a day program and struggling a lot- it opens up and on the left-hand side has a list of the "cons" of recovery and on the right-hand side is the "pros". I know it's important to focus on the "pros" but I also think it's important to recognise that anorexia has served a certain purpose for me, and it would be naive of me to just ignore that and pretend it isn't there. Because the cons DO exist (hence the ambivalence towards recovery for most sufferers at one point or another) and I think it's vital to look at and address these. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, it's all good :)