More Than My Emotions

I slept for a total of about 4 hours last night so much of today has been spent in a kind of daze. I'm tired, but not "sleepy" tired- I feel flat, hopeless, sad. Those are my signals that I need rest and it's hard sometimes to see them as signs of being tired rather than taking them at face-value and thinking that I AM hopeless/depressed. I'm just tired. I need to keep reminding myself of that today and make sure I get a decent night's sleep (first day of work tomorrow!) and hold onto the knowledge that I WILL feel much better once I am refreshed.

My dad always says, "don't make any major decisions when you are tired or hungry"- I struggle with this and tend to leap into whatever my emotions lead me to, but not tonight. I'm tired and not going to make any rash or impulsive decisions. Nothing is so urgent it needs dealt with tonight- I declare Wednesday evenings "mid-week weekend"!

I did clean my entire apartment at 5am so at least something productive comes out of insomnia :P

And of course, today has involved food...

Since my pumpkin breakfast cookie was a disaster, I tried something different:


Quaker instant raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I usually like plain oats with my own mix-ins, but this flavour is awesome- I swear it tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled!) topped with mashed banana and Fage. Delicious!

A new (to me) lunch:

Tofu marinaded in BBQ sauce (pan-fried due to oven situation!) with a little cheddar cheese on Arnold's sandwich thin. This was my first time cooking tofu and I loved it! (Though everything tastes good with melted cheese!)

I definitely have a tendency to over-stuff my sandwiches! When I was in New York, I was amazed by how much filling they cram in between two slices of bread. In the UK, a turkey sandwich generally consists of bread, butter, 2 thin slices of turkey and a leaf of limp lettuce. I prefer my NY style sandwiches!

Snack:

I'm not generally a fan of Luna bars- the texture throws me a bit because it's more light/crispy than my usual favourites (Clif, Pureprotein). This flavour tastes like a rice crispie treat though so matches well with the texture.

I just want to say how much strength and motivation I am taking from reading everyone's blogs. I don't always comment, but it's been so helpful to me to read about everyone's journeys with all their ups and downs, share in the peaks and troughs of recovery/life (I read a lot of non-ED blogs). The blogging community has become such a huge part of my life and although this sounds really cheesy, I just wanted to say thank-you!

Pssst...check out the awesome Holey Donut giveaway !

What's In A Year?

It's was exactly one year ago today that I boarded the plane to New York. I remember how excited I was as the plane took off- naively believing that I was leaving what I've come to discover the inescapable behind. Inescapable at least until I have faced up to it and changed it myself. Running away doesn't work. I remember being full of hope that *this* time, it would work- I had somewhere to live, job interviews lined up, social plans made. I was so happy to be going back to where I consider "home".

I remember opening the door to my new bedroom, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The sunlight shone brightly through the huge window- a welcome change from the cold dampness I'd left behind in Scotland.

The weeks that followed were filled with job interview after job interview. Nobody seemed to be actually hiring, and I drifted from one company to the next- portfolio clutched closely to my chest. My motivation waned. I spent time with friends, i went to therapy, I tried my hardest to hold things together. I struggled to pay my rent, struggled to keep my eating disorder under control as I was rejected time and time again from one job to the next. I picked up pieces of temp work in between- answering phones, faxing, Xeroxing. The summer heat started to feel more suffocating than welcoming as I grew more and more hopeless and defeated. I sat in my room each night drinking warm diet cream soda, applying for jobs, hunting for somewhere cheaper to live.

My therapist was pressing for me to see a doctor- everyone I spoke to said I needed to go into an inpatient program. I could barely afford my rent with the little work I was managing to get, never mind take several weeks off for treatment. By July, I had given up trying and made arrangements to fly back to the UK. It was okay- i was going to move to London and build a life THERE. It was going to be great. I got a place for college, found somewhere to live...everything was planned out.

One minor detail overlooked: the problem wasn't where i was living or what I was doing- the problem was how I interpreted it all and how I turned on myself when things felt chaotic/disappointing/overwhelming.

I still want, more than anything, to move back to New York. Do I want it badly enough to make it happen? I'm not sure. Last year i really thought, "third time lucky"- I guess I have learned stuff each time I have moved, even if it hasn't always had the end result that I was looking for. I'm not sure how to go about planning another move at this stage- if there is another move, it's going to be the last.

At least I know now that my difficulties come with me wherever I go, and nothing external is going to change things until I have changed what's going on inside of me...

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Onto more fun stuff. I finally found it!

I have been hunting for this because I thought I would LOVE it. I was pretty disappointed. I found the flavour to be bland, but overly sweet- not much coconutty taste at all, just a weird sugary taste that i couldn't quite place. I didn't like the peanut butter cookie one though initially so might need to try this again at some point- though only if it's given to me for free!

Last night I attempted to make one of the breakfast cookies I've seen all over blogosphere lately. Using leftover pumpkin and a sample pack of muesli, I came up with this...


I overestimated the absorption ability of oats a little! Pumpkin : Oat ratio = wrong-o!

Yogurt to the rescue...


And that is how the cookie crumbles!!!

Talked The Talk...Put On Your Walking Shoes!

I reread earlier's post and realised that I have been saying the same exact thing since starting my blog. That I WANT recovery, "but"... and there is always a BUT. I don't know why there is so much ambivalence. Tonight, stepping back, it's clear: recovery does NOT guarantee happiness, health, a stable job, a safe and comfortable place to live, Independence, a social life. But anorexia DOES guarantee that none of that will be possible (I know some of you manage to juggle school/work/life on some level, etc- it doesn't work for me). I guess that recovery is just one huge leap of faith, and holding onto the fact that anorexia leads down a road to nowhere, but recovery at least opens up the doors to new things.

I don't want to be writing this same post in 6 months/ a year/5 years. I don't want to be living in supported housing, reliant on a treatment team to tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to be obsessing over the size of my apples when I turn 27 later this year. I want to go for it. Having weighed up the pros and cons for what seems like forever, having tried (and failed) to juggle an eating disorder with the "normal" life I crave, having tried time after time to RECOVER without doing XYZ. I make a big song and dance when I do challenge myself or step out of my comfort zone- because it's damn hard for me to do it. But at the same time, I do it once and don't do it again. I don't sustain any changes I make because I have these ideas that "eh, done it once, don't need to do it again" so fall into my old patterns.

I'm hunting through my stuff to find my old meal plans, my treatment hand outs, looking into volunteering a few days a week since I can't work at the moment (and seriously, sitting around with no structure to the day EVERY day is enough to pull anyone down into depression).

I need to change and I know it. I need to buckle down and start MAKING these changes instead of talking about them, thinking about them, analysing them.

Nike-style: Just Do It

Aaaand... I have pictures. cause I know you like them :P

Breakfast is my favourite time of the day, and every time I eat this combination, I wonder why I even bother with other breakfasts (oh yeah- pumpkin is in limited supply! Doh!)

• pumpkin
• oats
• banana
• milk
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter

Food of kings I tell you, food of KINGS!

Second favourite breakfast:

• apple (microwaved)
• bare naked fruit and nut granola (love it!)
• fage

And what's that? Non-food pics?..

I pretty much live in jeans and sweatshirts. My mom got me this at the weekend!

And my all-time favourite t-shirt. Ignore the wrinkles- it's been crumpled in a drawer all winter!

Let's see if it ever actually gets warm enough to wear a t-shirt in Edinburgh...

Stepping Up To the Plate

Thank you for the great feedback and support on yesterday's post. I was hesitant again to post because I felt kind of stupid writing a whole long entry about a fear of cheese. At the risk of offending all the cheese fanatics out there, I'm going to say this: I don't have the time or energy to waste thinking about one particular food item. Cheese is great, but not worth spending an entire day obsessing over!

Lexi's video post yesterday got me thinking about what recovery means to me on the whole. There is SO much I want to say about this and I'm not going to even skim the surface in this post because it is such a huge topic and I have so many thoughts and goals around it. I pretty much agree with most of what Lexi said- it's NOT about just eating a cake or "eating normally". BUT, for me at least, food is an issue that needs to be addressed. I went years going to therapy and talking about my difficulties, not mentioning food, and thinking I was doing really well. It's a pretty dangerous approach if you are heavily engaging in eating disordered behaviours whilst doing that because a lot of physical damage can be done before any significant changes take place.

So I am going to talk a little more about the food aspect because it is something that I can't really afford to be ignoring right now. I have been thinking more and more about the foods I eat, the foods I avoid, the rut I am stuck in. Also about how I can talk and talk until I am blue in the face about the bigger picture of recovery and life without anorexia, but there is a limit to how much progress I can and will make as long as I stay so entrenched in my behaviours and routines.

To be completely honest, I've been struggling a lot since moving on Monday. Not so much in terms of restricting, but some of my other difficulties- eating the same things every day, hoarding food (I have a habit of stocking up on "safe foods" and this week has been spent literally packing my fridge and cupboards full of one particular item I eat for lunch every day). I'd been doing much better with variety in my diet and I'm not sure why it's become so hard again- I justify it by thinking about the cost of food: it's balanced, nutritious, pretty cheap to buy. But really? I think I am scared about moving/being independent and reverting back to what is familiar and safe.

This move is NO DOUBT a fabulous thing for me, but is definitely throwing up challenges. It's not even been a week so now is a good time for me to really look at how things have been going and what needs to change. Obviously the eating aspect is part of it. Yes it feels safe to eat the same foods every day. Yes I can then budget well, plan, etc. It's not how I want to live forever. The list of foods I feel "okay" eating is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I am not okay with that. I'm not going to lie down and let anorexia stamp all over me.

It's time to walk the walk, and start making real and concrete changes before this gets out of hand.

I took on board what you all suggested in terms of introducing fear foods back into diet, and now also have the task of adding recent staples back in- the lovely Sam suggested that her and I each make lists of some foods we avoid and set weekly goals together so I am working on that.

I'm 26 and it's time I start being an active participant in LIFE instead of wittering away my time bouncing in and out of hospital and avoiding people/situations/the world because I am afraid of what food may/may not be available.

So the tasks at hand...

• incorporate some of my recent foods back into my diet- just because I have moved apartments doesn't mean I abandon the progress I had made
• make a list of my "fear foods" and set my goals with Sam
• report back in my blog about what specific food goal I set each week and how it goes (remembering that I don't need to eat XYZ every single day, but I don't want to feel controlled by the FEAR of it)
• to not buy any more of this staple lunch item: I kid you not, I have over a month's supply, by which point, I *will* be eating a wider variety and ready for a new lunch challenge!

Anyone else want in on this weekly food goal challenge?

Now onto actual food/culinary goodness since I have pretty pictures to share :)

Breakfast today featured this cereal:

For anyone in the UK, this is great. It's little bran flakes with dried blueberries and strawberries. I'd written to the company recently and they sent me 6 boxes of me beloved cereal- THANK YOU Alex at Alara! I mixed it with chopped/microwaved apple and fage- the picture does not do the size of this justice. The apple was humongous and it was a pretty hefty cereal serving (we don't have serving sizes on most UK nutritional labels so I have free reign with no mind-twisting government guidelines to abide by!):

Snack was inspired by Lee's post about non-bar snacks- this was one of my suggestions and since I have always loved rice pudding, caught my eye in the store. I wouldn't class it as a "major" fear, but the only kinds I've had over the last few years have been low-fat/diet varieties. Still taste great (some of them do anyway!), but this looked like a good alternative to my usual snacks...

Wow. Move over diet food desserts, there's a new kid in town... This was, hands down, the best rice pudding I have ever eaten. Calorie-wise, was equivalent to most of the bars/other snacks I eat, so wasn't hugely anxiety-provoking, but I am SO glad I tried this. Sweet, creamy, vanilla-y...mmmm....what's not to like? Can't wait to check out more of this company's products!

Close-up of creamy goodness:

And just for kicks, am posting my dinner. I don't usually post my lunches and dinners because they tend to be pretty repetitive. I am, as I think I've mentioned, a terrible cook. But I can cook pasta sauce so you can bet your bottom dollar that if I *do* branch out from the norm and cook something from scratch, you guys are going to see it!

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with steamed runner beans- yes, a repeat of last week's dinner, but like I said, it's all I can cook :P

Fear? Ha! I Laugh In the Face Of Fear

First of all, I want to say thank you for your supportive comment's on yesterday's post. I was reluctant to hit the "publish" button for fear of sounding like a bitch, or completely crazy. It seems I'm not the only one who struggles with these issues and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

And, WELCOME to any new readers out there- I love it when you guys comment, even just to say "hi"!

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Onto today...

I slept really well and feel a hundred times better for it. What felt like humongous stresses yesterday don't seem like such a big deal today- it's amazing what proper rest can do for your emotional state!

Having said that, today's been filled with the obsessing/calculating stuff that hasn't been at the forefront of my mind today. The trigger? Yesterday's cheese. Yes, 1oz of cheese has my brain in a complete spin and I'm not sure why. Well, that's not entirely true. It's scaring me because I enjoyed it. *gasps in horror* What does this mean? It means I want to start including it on a regular basis. It tasted good, was a nice change from my usual foods and I want to eat it again. So WHY is this a problem?

I am scared of cheese.

When I was much younger, my mom went on a diet (she was overweight) and lost a lot of weight through a healthy meal plan. When asked how she did it, she always attributed her weight loss to cutting cheese out of her diet. I've never been a huge cheese-lover, but it's stayed ingrained in my mind that cheese is something to be avoided, that it's not a food to be eaten on a regular basis.

The truth? Cheese is a source of calcium and protein. It adds great flavour and a funky gooey texture when it melts. It's not something I love enough to WANT to eat every day, but I don't want to avoid it forever.

I think I am more scared of the fact that it tasted good. I struggle to acknowledge that there are foods I like, particularly ones that are "scary"- but that's crazy. Food isn't scary or safe or good or bad or ANY of the labels I attach to it. Food is food. Nothing more, nothing less. Some tastes better than other, some is prettier than others, some is more expensive than others. But at the end of the day, there is nothing to be scared of.

Will I eat it again? Yes. The very fact that today's turmoil has been so pertinent is a clear sign to me that I need to be facing my fears head on. I refuse to be controlled by anxieties over things that in the great context of LIFE, are no big deal.

I ate cheese pretty frequently in treatment, alongside a whole multitude of foods that I have been avoiding more and more. I still ate them during the months that followed, despite struggling and relapsing. it's been pretty recent that I have completely cut out certain foods, and looking back, I was so much happier when I had just that little bit more freedom around my meals. My head was clearer because I wasn't obsessing about it so much and my body was getting a wider variety of nutrients. I had more time to do enjoyable things because I wasn't (like today) spending hours writing lists/meal plans/panicking about a little piece of 'whatever' 2/3/4 days before.

When I was unpacking some of my things, I came across some of my old worksheets from treatment a couple of years ago. One of them was a list I had made as part of a "fear exposure therapy" group- we had to make a list of our top ten most challenging foods. I left soon after so never got round to doing the full group, but I have my list and am going to come up with my own "exposure therapy" plan to conquer these fears.

Anyone got tips on how to confront this list I have or want to join me in setting some goals around this? (shout out to PAM for our virtual snack yesterday!)

I don't want a life that revolves around anxiety over eating. I want to enjoy food without guilt or fear. I want to eat my meals and go on with my day. I want freedom.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
- Anais Nis

A couple of food pics from today...

Raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I swear this tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled) topped with fage and a jumbo banana:

A non-bar snack! Pumpkin spice trail mix with fromage frais. Fromage frais has been around in the UK much longer than the Greek yogurts hitting the shelves- it's much thinner/runnier, but has pretty much identical nutritional stats/taste, and is half the price. The trail mix is from Target- a friend sent me 3 bags a couple of months ago. Love it!

Sneaky, Sneaky...

I have a kind of confession to make. Actually, it's not even a confession as I didn't really realise until today what was going on. Basically, as most of you know, I made an agreement with my therapist on Tuesday to be more intuitive when it comes to choosing my afternoon snack and listen more to what I WANT to eat, rather than just what feels safe/fits into my "plan". I thought I was doing pretty well- and I HAVE been, but here's the thing: since I was IP a few years ago, I have been keeping a food log. It started innocently enough- I genuinely wanted to leave treatment knowing what to eat/what fears I had conquered and use to keep me on track. That kind of fell by the way-side, but the food log has remained. Anyway, I generally write down my day's food just before I eat my snack (can we say, rigid routine? *bangs head* ) and so have an idea of my day's intake and then pick according to what "fits" in calorie-wise to the rest of the day's meals. It IS progress on one hand- I have NOT been planning obsessively, and am basing my choice at least PARTLY on what I want (as well as what meets ED requirements) but I really need to kick things up a notch this week.

Anybody got ideas? I was thinking maybe do my food log at the END of each day. I don't know if I am quite ready to stop that altogether right now, but delaying it might solve this particular problem?

Anyway, onto food...

Any guesses what this is?..


Yup- my breakfast non-cookie again. It's really unlike me to go so many days in a row without regular oatmeal, but am trying to use things up before I move (tomorrow!) I swear it tastes better than it looks!


Snack- all these realisations with the food log, etc came when I was writing it, and it took me a moment to just say, "shut up- let ME choose what I WANT" and what did I want? OATMEAL. I've missed you baby! I usually eat plain oats and add my own mix-ins, but keep the flavoured ones around for snacks. Found a chocolate chip pack when I was packing and decided that topping it with Fage was what I really wanted!


And I have to show you a photo of my dinner since tomato sauce is quite literally the only thing I can cook! Served with spinach and ricotta tortellini. A recent discovery and I LOVE it. So quick and easy, not to mention delicious!


And a few of another placemate I made in treatment a few years ago...

Keeping It In Perspective

I'm glad that you guys also found it helpful to think about all the amazing things our bodies are doing that we don't necessarily see or feel. Of course, a properly fueled car doesn't run and neither does a malnourished body- but really, our bodies don't care as much as our minds might lead us to believe whether we pick a meal one day that is ever-so-slightly more/less or one thing or another than our norm. I definitely preach that all foods are absolutely 'A-okay' in moderation, I just sometimes need to remind myself that this applies to me too! A slightly lower protein snack one day, or a slightly higher fat breakfast another day? It's all good. Our bodies benefit greatly from having a wide variety of foods and I am thinking that it's most definitely a GOOD thing to be branching out and broadening my horizon's a bit.

So in what form did that take today? I have pictures! PLEASE NOTE: this is NOT an all-inclusive list of my entire day's eats...just some of the things I ate whilst trying to listen to what I "wanted" more than selecting foods based on their nutritional profile!

A "breakfast cookie" a la ellie! Chopped and microwaved apple mixed with Branberry Muesli and Fage, and left to set in the fridge.


I'd planned to have an Amy's burrito for lunch, but last-minute executive decision resulted in a veggie burger (and yes, the bagel was as stale as it looks- am out of my usual bread and still attempting to use up food before I move on Monday!)


And as for how "plan not to plan" went, today's pick was...


As Veggiegirl would say, HOLY YUM! I love these bars- this is my favourite flavour, chocolate deluxe being a close second. I noticed a few other bloggers ate this yesterday too- great minds, people!

For those who asked about the baked oatmeal yesterday, Kath bakes hers in a round pan as far as I know, but I use a square one since our round ones aren't deep enough!