Are We There Yet? (part 2)

I wanted to say more about yesterday's post. I think that a lot of my frustration stems from "recovery" being REALLY hard to define or put into words. I want something I can hold up and say, "look- all better now". A healthy body would be one sign, but a healthy mind? How do you prove that? (which begs the question, to whom exactly do I want to prove it to?) All the things that I had originally clung to as indicators of "normality" (a job, etc), I've disqualified as nothing more than external achievements which don't really prove anything, let alone stability/wellness/recovery.

Oy vey. Back to the drawing board I guess? I feel like I am going in circles with all of this, when perhaps I should be focusing more on the small everyday goals/accomplishments rather than spending so much energy focusing on what recovery is/isn't, what's normal/abnormal.

Anyway, my internet is FIXED! I am excited beyond words- my new connection is much faster, I can view/post pictures and so far, is much more reliable. *touches wood*

So, onto more fun stuff :)

Breakfast this morning:


Chopped/microwaved apple topped with fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Love this granola so much! This is one of my favourite breakfasts- apple cobbler at 6am? Heck yes!

Afternoon "snack" (Katie- I hate that word too!)

Pumpkin spice Clif bar- love the frosting and chunks of raisins in this. I ordered a box in December which I am slowly getting through then have a giant stash of maple nut to work on. Clif burn-out in the foreseeable future I think!

And, I COOKED! I tried to bake something on Saturday and realised that my oven doesn't work. I was right not to trust it- it's seriously in need of some industrial strength cleaner, but I thought I should try it. After 20 minutes of sticking my head and hands in mounds of smelly grease, I gave up. Hob and microwave will do!

Quorn mince in tomato sauce with spaghetti + parmesan cheese and steamed spinach.

I could eat spinach all day long- raw, cooked...love it. Though have yet to brave it in a fruit smoothie! One day maybe ;)

Usual disclaimer: everything that is pictured has been eaten, not everything eaten has been pictured.

Danielle tagged me to do the "survey of 8's" that's making it's way through blogosphere...

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

1. a long hot shower tonight
2. starting work on Thursday
3. more summer sunshine
4. my amazon order arriving
5. my TV being fixed
6. catching up on blogs tonight (so happy about my internet!)
7. seeing my mom this weekend
8. my trip to New York in August (woo!)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. stocked up on chewing gum
2. had a meeting about photography group
3. cleaned my kitchen and bathroom
4. doctors appointment
5. finished my book
6. had my first iced coffee of the year (!)
7. grocery shopping
8. played with my camera

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. get a copywriting job at an advertising agency in New York
2. move back to New York (without having to worry about work/money so much)
3. go to Australia
4. go to California
5. write a book
6. start my own t-shirt designing business
7. become fluent in another language
8. learn to walk in high heels

8 Shows I Watch:

1. QI
2. Scrubs
3. Mock The Week
4. 8 out of 10 Cats
5. Everybody Loves Raymond
6. Badeil and Skinner Unplanned
7. Sex and The City
8. Sabrina The Teenage Witch (and I am NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT :P )

So now I am to tag 8 people- apologies if you have been tagged already!

1. Katie
2. Sam
3. Lexi
4. Leiba
5. Sophia
6. Stef
7. Emily
8. Pam

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

What's Normal Anyway?..

This has been on my mind for quite some time, more so the last few weeks...

As the title of my blog suggests, and as I explained in my introductory post, I was very into dancing at one point. I started when I was 20- initially to accompany a friend who was too shy to go herself, and I fell in love. Over the few years that followed, my passion grew and I attended more and more classes. It was hard to define what was healthy for *me*- it gave me a reason to nourish my body, maintain some semblance of "health" and let me see my body in a new light (in terms of what it was capable of, as opposed to merely what it looked like). There were definitely periods when it was more an anorexia-driven compulsion- I would "let" myself eat if I danced. I worked with my treatment team to try to keep up with dancing as it was the first "hobby" I had had...double-edged sword and they also had a hard time figuring out when it was a good idea for me to dance, and when it wasn't.

I sustained a few injuries when I relapsed pretty badly in 2006. My muscles weren't strong enough to support my bones, and the classes became too exhausting and definitely weren't for fun anymore. I pretty much stopped dancing completely as my health declined. I don't know if NOT dancing made things worse for me, but I was too depressed/deep in anorexia to feed the creative part of me that loved dancing so much.

Since then, my health has been up and down. I've taken a few classes as I've moved around, but never 1) found a studio/class that I really enjoyed, and 2) never managed to find that love of dancing that was once there.

(I am rambling, but am getting to my point!)

Anyway, about 2 years ago I stumbled across a food blog. For those of you not familiar with them, there are bloggers out there who show photos/post recipes of what they eat. The first one I found was a registered dietitian and this blog was part of her job. It FASCINATED me to see what "normal" people eat. Part of this is, no doubt, my obsession with food/nutrition. The other part is definitely sheer curiosity of how someone without an eating disorder fuels their body whilst going about living their life. Over time, these blogs have grown more and more widespread and my obsession has grown. They have been real eye-openers to read- I've spent so much time obsessing over my own food intake, or in hospital on "prescribed" diets that I really had no concept of what is normal in a world outwith my anorexic bubble. I now have about 40 blogs bookmarked, over half of which I read daily. I know the ins and outs of their every day lives. I know about the "barney butter" obsessions, the oatmeal creations, the holiday eats, the family occasions. It has helped me to widen my food choices, try new things- I do THINK about these blogs when I am making my meals/snacks and I do add/change/try ideas I would never have the courage to do without knowing there was someone out there doing the same thing.

A common theme on the majority of these blogs is exercise. I generally skim over the working out parts- I don't belong to a gym, I've never gone running and I don't think I could even identify an elliptical machine in a line up :P It wasn't until recently that I noticed quite how much exercise these people do, and quite how often. Working out for 2 hours a day? Running 7-10 miles a day? Woah. I don't know anyone in "real" life who does this. I get chastised for my long power-walks, but these people get admiration (so they should- hell, I can't lift 30lb weights and do 3 spinning classes in a day!)

But now I am wondering what is normal after all, and I am really confused. Does everyone do this much exercise? Do these bloggers eat the amounts they do ONLY because they exercise, or does their love of exercise fuel their desire to be healthy? Do they enjoy it? Do they even consider whether or not they enjoy it?..

I know if I joined a gym, I would do what I always do and give it 110%, setting crazy goals for myself and either giving up completely too soon to achieve them, or run myself into the ground (literally) and relapsing.

How do these people manage eating, exercise and their jobs/work/relaxation stuff on top of everything else? How do they keep it all balanced?

Or, is it not balanced/"normal" at all?..