Monday, 8 September 2008

You Can Never Go Home Anymore

It’s a difficult thing to comprehend right now. My head isn’t in a place where I can think rationally about finding somewhere to live, figuring out how to pay for it, then all the stuff to do once I move- little things like changing my address for my bank, etc. It’s just so draining. I feel like I am drowning in unfamiliar waters, and it’s sink or swim time… I can’t swim, and drowning seems to be my fallback.

I’m feeling really lonely here too. Strange, since I definitely have far more connections in London than I did in Scotland, but I’m lacking the professional support I have been used to.

There isn’t an actual urgency to sort everything out at this point. Part of me thinks I should give it another few weeks, get settled into college so I at least have SOME concrete “roots” and structure, but then there is this Achilles heel part of me that wants to do everything immediately. Slow and steady would be the logical course here, but I am frantic and scared and just want everything to be sorted out logistically, and I’ll figure the rest out later.

I feel guilty for expecting help with this. I feel guilty for not just being NORMAL. I should have a job, share an apartment, have a 4-wheel drive, 2.4 kids. Instead my life revolves around food and weight and little else. I am hoping school broadens this a little- this could potentially be the start of something that will turn things around for me once and for all. Or it could be, like in the past, the key that sets the wheels in motion for another full-blown relapse.

Time will tell. Hopefully I have learned from my past experiences. I think I have...we'll see.

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