The Fine Line Between Love and hate

For as long as I can remember, I've had this intense fear that something horrible will happen to my mom. I have memories of sitting in the back of the car when I was 3/4, making symmetrical patterns with my fingertips to calm myself down, believing that if I made perfect patterns, I'd somehow be protecting her from harm. I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I went to sleep every night pleading with 'God' to keep my mom safe. I should point out that I've never had justification for this fear and I have no idea where it comes from.

Over the last few years, our relationship has changed. I still very much have the same fears about something happening to her, but my reaction is different- I distance myself, pick fights over stupid things, keep myself away from her. I guess on some level I think that the more time we spend apart, the easier it will be to bear the brunt if something DOES happen to her.

Saturday's are now the day we seem to get together- we meet for coffee early in the morning before she goes to shul. This morning I set off to meet her- as much as I love my mom, it's REALLY hard for me to be around her. Something just switches in my head and I become irritable, whiny, needy. She called me half an hour before we were to meet to ask me what the weather was like. Coming from anyone else, this would not have been a big deal. Her phone call, as do most of hers, made me feel like ripping my skin off. I was suddenly agitated, angry and just wanted to turn around and go home. I slammed my cellphone shut and kept walking and met my mom as planned. It was 'okay'. I put on my fake smile, pretended to have a good time and silently counted down the minutes until she would have to leave to go to shul.

I feel horrible for this. I LOVE my mom. I have a lot of respect for her as a person and am so grateful for everything that she has done for me over the years and everything that she has put up with. I can't even imagine the pain she has gone through watching me do the things I have done over the years...but on some level, I hate her. I can't explain why because I don't KNOW. Something about being around her triggers all kinds of wild and crazy emotions. Anxiety, anger, rage, fear. I don't know where it comes from or why it is so hard to be with her and at the same time, be away from her. I manage my eating disorder far better when we have distance- physical distance. But she is the first person I reach out to when things are hard because she 'gets' it. We think the same way and react the same way to a lot of situations- I'm wondering if part of the intensity of my feelings when I am with her is to do with the fact that I see so much of myself reflected in her. I can't help but feel jealous of people who do fun things with their families, because mine evoke such strong emotions in me and our time spent together is fraught with tension. Oh, to live with The Brady Bunch :P

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Breakfast this morning, at the lovely hour of 5am. Yay insomnia!

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, with blueberries and almonds. Need to sort out my sleep pattern ASAP! I don't know why I am suddenly having so much trouble falling/staying sleep these days.

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on seeded wholewheat bread.

New snack!

First time trying this flavour, and I LOVED it! This and the Peanut Butter Cookie larabar are my top 2. I've only ever had cashew nuts in stir-fries before and forgot how much I loved them.

Question of the day: How often do you talk to/see your parents? I talk to my mom several times a day (!) and my dad maybe once every couple of months. He lives abroad so most of our communication is via email.

Conflict

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

Looking Through Different Eyes

Yesterday's anxiety spiralled into a frenzy last night. I knew I should just call it a night and go to bed, but I stayed awake, curled up on the sofa writing in my "meal planner" book, throwing out food, sticking abusive notes to myself all over my apartment. I woke up this morning feeling like a different person- went to the fridge to get my overnight muesli, only to remember that in last night's rampage, I had covered the entire thing with washing-up liquid.

I walked around slowly, pulling down the notes, cleaning up and starting my week afresh.

I spent a lot of time last night looking at blog entries from a year ago when I was in New York. I noted two things:-

1. This time last year, I was writing very similar posts: the same frustrations about not being able to let go of my eating disorder and move forward once and for all- recognising baby steps, but not really making any significant changes
2. I WAS happier overall being in New York, but I wrote a lot about the anxiety and depression I was dealing with, the loneliness, rejection, stress about finding/keeping a job, health care, etc. It wasn't all as happy and wonderful as I continue to picture it to be.

So where does that leave things? I don't want to be writing the same posts a year from now. I thought I would want to be living in New York, but having re-read how I really felt/managed whilst I was there, I'm not so sure.

I am so frustrated right now- I feel like I have no goals in mind, nothing to aim for and am just drifting along for no real reason. That was the thinking behind last night's 'episode'- I figured that if I can't be normal/recovered/living a "real" life, then why even bother trying to fight this at all?..

I AM feeling better this morning. Not because I woke up having discovered my true calling in life and suddenly have goals/purpose/passions to pursue, but because I need to believe that somehow, sometime this will get easier. It's not always going to be like this- though part of my brain is screaming as I write this that things really AREN'T going to change dramatically. But that is such a defeatist attitude, such a cop-out. As long as I am around, I have a chance to change things- I guess although I am having a lot of the same thoughts as last night, instead of using it to fall head-first back into heavy ED behaviours, I'm trying to use it to propel me forward...

Before I forget, head on over to Meg's site to read a great post about living life to the fullest!

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With today's breakfast sabotaged, I kind of panicked. I didn't want to eat the breakfast I planned last night when I was in such an emotional state, so scrounged around to make up my usual calorie quota with what was lying around...

Bran flakes with Fage honey twin pot and raisins. Where would I be without Fage?! I actually found this sickeningly sweet- I love honey, but there was a LOT of it in this yogurt. I think I'll stick to the cheesecake fruit twin pots.

And BIG NEWS! My oven is FIXED! Of course, I had to test it out...

I made a sauce for the kidney beans using melted laughing cow cheese, pesto and mushrooms. With baked sweet potato half-moons. It's all about the ha-hee-hey-ho sweet po-ta-to... I forgot how much I love pesto- I find it a bit strong by itself, but combined with the creamy laughing cow cheese was delicious. This is the closest thing I have come to "cooking" in a really long time- and definitely a first time for me "experimenting" and making up some sort of recipe as I went along. Loved it :)

Question: I finally found an all natural non-soy protein powder (it's pea protein). Stellar nutritional stats, but it's unflavoured. I don't have a blender so smoothies are out- anyone got ideas for how to use it? I am wary about buying it if it's going to be gross, but open to suggestions for jazzing it up!

Are We There Yet?

I was discharged from the Intensive Home Treatment Team today- my initial thought was, "does that mean I am fine now?" I don't feel much different to how I did a month ago, 2 months, 3 months ago- but that doesn't mean that how I felt then was "wrong" in some way. Maybe I am already at the place I need to be?

This is all rather confusing. I guess my point is, how do we know if we have recovered or not? I've talked before about recovery, in my head, as being this magical sparkly wonderful happy place. I know that place doesn't exist. Which means I have to define recovery for myself- which makes me wonder if I am already there. I'm not in the same "place" that a lot of people (non-eating disordered/recovered) are, but I don't think I ever WILL be. Because I am not them and my life will be shaped by MY thoughts/feelings/ideas/goals and nobody else's. I haven't achieved my goals in life yet, but hell- I'm 26. I have a lot of time ahead of me to be reaching my goals. That's what life is all about, right? Constantly changing, growing, maturing. There IS no final destination. You just carry on making sense of things as best as you can, accepting the things you don't understand, forming relationships, doing new things/getting better at old things, making mistakes and getting back on your feet. C'est la vie.

This train of thought was prompted not just by my discharge from the IHTT, but also when it struck me how bored I am. Bored of anorexia, YES (my god- how many hours can I obsess over the size of a banana before I realise how freaking DULL it is?!) but also bored of recovery. NOT bored of the idea of recovery, but bored of the grey in between area between sick and well. I'm tired of thinking the same thoughts (whether they are ED/recovery), tired of the same dilemmas/decisions (blueberries or raspberries? distraction or CBT? acceptance or pushing for change?). I am just starting to feel like this is all losing any meaning- none of it seems important right now.

I feel like I did when I was 10- I had osgood schlatters disease (when the muscle in your knee grows faster than the bone) and spent the summer on crutches. I wanted to go to the tennis camp I went to every year. Instead I sat in a bean bag reading for the entire summer...losing myself in stories about people who were out playing hockey, horseback riding, ice skating. I wanted more than ANYTHING to be running around with my friends but my body wasn't co-operating. (My parents did console me by letting me get my ears pierced- thanks guys!)

I kind of feel like this now.

Yet there is nothing concrete/tangible that I can *see* to stop me. Depression, anxiety, ED thoughts- they don't show up on x-rays or scans. There is nothing I can point to and say, "okay- I'll fix this" because I'm not quite sure what is wrong. Or if there even IS something wrong. Which leads me back to my original paragraph.

Maybe this is "normal" after all...

or maybe I just need to believe it's normal because it's driving me insane and I don't know how to fix it

What Do I Do With All This Space?..

...I'm talking head space here.

If my therapist is right (and she has yet to be wrong- this woman is amazing) then the preoccupation with food is partially to block out depression/anxiety. It is, no doubt, partly related to weight/behaviours (anyone read the Minnesota Study?) , but I think she is right with her idea as to why it's gotten so much worse lately.

I've noticed since the day when I decided I don't need to be so black/white in my thinking about my meal plan, my anxiety has lessened and I am spending far less time thinking about food. Instead, my thoughts have drifted back into a hole of despair and negativity. I honestly don't know what else TO think about.

I have been trying to distract myself with reading (yay chic lit!), music, making collages, but it all feels kind of...meaningless. I am very aware of the fact that I am doing these things, not necessarily because I ENJOY them, but because I know I need to drag my thoughts away from where they will wander if I don't make a conscious effort to direct them somewhere.

I don't want to spend my life feeling like I am just going through motions to kill time so I don't go insane. I've written before about how I do things 100%- whether it's my eating disorder or work, it's very much full-on 'don't-think-don't-feel' mode.

Maybe this is normal? I have no idea. I don't KNOW what people think about on a day-to-day basis. I have ideas about how they fill their time, but just little things...waiting for the bus, standing in line in a store. What are they thinking about? I'm not asking because I'm nosy- I just can't seem to even contemplate the idea that there ARE things worth thinking about other than food/weight.

I take away the eating disorder thoughts, the depression thoughts...then what? My mind goes completely blank...

Who To Trust?

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

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The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

• go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
• ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
• be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

Hard Travellin'

I woke up at 5 am this morning, and proceeded with my routine:

1. take vitamins
2. turn computer on
3. weigh myself
4. boil kettle
5. smoke cigarette
6. make coffee and drink whilst reading 3 specific blogs
7. eat breakfast
8. prepare food for dinner
9. smoke another cigarette

All of that went the same as it does pretty much any other day. 15 minutes later, I was huddled up against the wall, the floor around me scattered with paper, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt like my brain was literally being hacked into a thousand little pieces. I kind of lost track of time amidst crying/writing/calculating/smoking. Needless to say, by 7am I had worked myself up into quite a state. I threw on the clothes I wore yesterday, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.

More time was lost.

Somewhere along my walk I decided I should buy pasta sauce. Not just ANY pasta sauce, but a single serving of plain tomato pasta sauce. I had remembered that I had 1 portion of tortellini in the freezer and suddenly decided that it would make a perfect dinner for tomorrow. I went into about 4 different supermarkets- in each one, I found the sauce and waited in line to pay. When it was my turn, I left the queue, put the sauce back on the shelf and darted out the store with thoughts literally crashing around in my head. I cranked the volume up on my iPod and carried on walking. With hundreds of reasons to BUY the sauce and eat pasta tomorrow, and hundreds of reasons NOT to.

I don't know why this is such a bug deal. It's one meal- my dinner is the exact same thing every night at the moment and ONE night of something different is not going to have any dramatic effect on my weight, my life, the world. Yet it felt like a HUGE deal to even be contemplating eating something different. Even if the "different" thing was a regular feature in my diet 6 weeks ago.

I went back and forth in my head about last night's post- old plan, new plan, scrap the plan...fruitarian? vegan? high protein? sodium? fibre? money? I couldn't step back and see the wood for the trees. I vaguely remember sending panicky texts to my mom, then ignoring my phone when she tried to call. I remember listening to Pete Seeger singing "Hard Travelling" at full blast. I eventually answered my phone, but when my mom started to get frustrated and yelling, the noise was too much combined with the noise in my head and I hung up.

Walking, smoking, walking, smoking.

Then it hit me. I don't NEED to give up my old plan, and I don't need to leap straight into the new plan. I can gradually work towards the new plan over the coming weeks- slowly phase out my "safe" foods whilst reintroducing new ones. It seems so damn obvious now. It's only taken me 4 days to realise that it doesn't HAVE to be so black and white/all or nothing.

I feel really stupid now.

I bought the pasta sauce, came home, tidied up the masses of paper around my apartment- pulled out a new notebook and planned the next couple of weeks out. They make sense. Suddenly my world stopped spinning wildly, my heart stopped pounding and I sat on the sofa staring out the window for over an hour. Just silent, sitting, breathing.

I started having thoughts of why I need to change the plan I have right now- why it even MATTERS even more. I feel like for years I had all these great motivating goals- as time has gone by and my recovery has been up and down, I've tried out all these goals. None of them worked out or felt as good as I hoped they would. I don't really have any concrete reason to change things, to keep working towards recovery, to keep fighting the anorexic voice in my head.

Nothing 'concrete' like a specific thing I want to be able to do (move to New York, dance, etc).

I do however have this: if the sheer hell of the past few days has been caused by anorexia, then that is reason enough for me to want to break free from this once and for all.

Up and Down and Round Again

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up

roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 left...so by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!

A Brain, Obsessed

I have mentioned a few times about how my eating is fairly repetitive- part of why I don't post pictures more frequently is because my lunches and dinners tend to be the same every day. I haven't been in this habit for a really long time (several years)- sure, I have gone through phases where certain foods make a more regular appearance, but since I was 19 (worst stage of my ED- basically was eating exactly the same foods every day which gradually got cut back as I ran out/stores weren't stocking the *exact* size/shape/brand I 'needed') I have made a VERY concerted effort to have some variety in there...

This has taken different forms over the years- from times where I would rotate the same two dinners, to times in New York when I ate out almost every meal and tried several new things every single day. For the most part, it's been somewhere in between- having food/meals that I eat a few times a week, but trying new things a few times a week.

Since moving into my apartment almost 6 weeks ago, I have pretty much stuck to a "weekly schedule". I have a few breakfasts I rotate, flexibility around snacks (within certain limits/criteria) but my lunches and dinners have been exactly the same. Aside from 1 allotted meal a week that I have something "new", though the past 3 weeks this "new" meal has just been repeated.

Obviously this is problematic. I can't go over to my mom's house for dinner, can't even contemplate the notion of a trip to NY right now...am bored to tears at the thought of eating this same thing one.more.time.

I decided on Wednesday night that I was going to switch things up and reintroduce some of my old fall-back meals into my diet. I ended up spending almost 3 hours writing lists, doing calculations, racking my brains for combinations that met criteria for meals in a healthy sense whilst being "safe" in an ED sense (note to self: the 2 aren't compatible). I sat, curled up on my sofa with 3 notepads, a calculator, old food diaries. Eventually I planned a week's worth of meals that I felt okay with. It was a rather awesome moment- a true "EUREKA", as if I had found the answer to world peace. I went to bed happy and relaxed- only to wake up a couple of hours later FREAKING out because I suddenly realised there were major flaws in my plan. Because god forbid I should be so daring as to get my protein from cottage cheese rather than yogurt, or tofu rather than tuna. I honestly feel like my world is held together by the exact breakdown of my nutritional intake- obviously I know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

So, I curled up on the sofa once again- notepads, calculator, etc, and got back to work.

I must have done this at least 10 times since Wednesday night. Suddenly nothing feels safe, nothing seems to make sense. Laws of science and nutrition, never mind LOGIC don't apply. The foods I DO eat were selected for a very particular reason (coincidentally, one of my meals happens to be the exact same meal I ate when i was 19), and to change it feels so incredibly overwhelming and threatening. So much information conflicting in my brain- everything I have ever read about nutrition/diet (eat soy/don't eat soy, eat dairy/don't eat dairy. eat healthy fats/avoid any fat, vegetarian? vegan? raw? nooooooooo!)

I'm trying to fight these thoughts with just plain common sense. I was eating different foods for 7 years with no major trauma. It's not physically possible to gain 10lbs overnight just by eating a different dinner. It's OKAY if some meals are a little lower in protein or a little higher in fat- in time, it balances out. I KNOW this on an intellectual level, but as soon as I talk myself round and feel okay with the idea of change, my brain starts throwing up roadblocks and "worst case scenarios" which I can't seem to shake off.

Every time I try to distract myself by reading/watching TV/cleaning, all of a sudden a thought will come into my head (more "EUREKA" moments!) and I have to stop, write it down, analyze it, tear it up, give up, go back to reading/TV/cleaning until 5 minutes later it happens again.

I don't know why I am writing this. I feel ridiculous. My mom and my therapist know I obsess about this stuff, but I've never quite shared the extent to which I worry about it. Or quite to what extent things have gotten to with both my intake and thought processes lately.

I feel like the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind- the horrible depression, followed by 2 days of BLISS, followed by this incapacitating thinking. I'm also wondering if due to the depression/psychotic reaction, I really let my guard down on the ED front and focused on the immediate problem- meanwhile, ED has crept in and oh-so-kindly taken care of the food front.

One part of me thinks I can't continue. The other part is saying, "eh- why not? what does it even matter at this point?" I guess depression is still lurking there too. The part of me lacking the motivation to do anything about this is, admittedly, the part that just wants to say "screw it". The part of me that I can't tell whether is depressed of sensible- the part of me that knows that all the goals I had about moving back to New York, work, etc...just aren't going to happen. So why bother trying to fight through barriers when I don't care if I make it to the other side?

Why?

Well the other part of me thinks that 1) of COURSE New York/work/all that "life" stuff isn't going to be an option in the current situation, but 2) I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION.

I'm just not sure HOW. I am beyond exhausted right now. I've had such good intentions to change my meals over the coming days/weeks and the obsessing over it so much is draining beyond words.

This has been long and jumbled and probably not making much sense so I'll end now. I just wanted to try and put into words where I am at right now.

Hope all of you are enjoying Passover or Easter or whatever you are celebrating this weekend.

Aaaand...HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIME!

Rejoining The Human Race

The past couple of days have been 'different'. I am still experiencing waves of depression, but they are WAVES and in between them, I am experiencing something I don't ever remember feeling before. I don't even know how to describe it.

• peace
• acceptance
• serenity
• bliss
• safe

It's not a manic rush of happiness and elation, but periods of stillness where I feel in tune with my core, at ease with myself and the world around me. I haven't analyzed it too much and neither do I want to. I'm just enjoying these moments, and riding out the waves of depression that come because...what's the alternative? Fighting them doesn't work. Resenting them doesn't work. Lying down and letting them wash over me without struggle seems to be all that I CAN do, but these moments in between when things feel "okay" are making it worth it.

I don't know if this is partly due to me FINALLY taking my therapist's advice and cutting down the amount of diet pills I am taking by half. When I saw her Friday and literally begged for ANYTHING I could do that might change things, this was the one thing that I have managed. And despite my fears that I would turn into a hungry and sleepy zombie, the opposite has come true. I almost feel like I am floating without the jolt of chemicals at 6am. Everything feels less urgent, less frantic, less chaotic. The need to control and organise and be productive 24/7 has subsided and I am happy to just be. To just exist and make the most of each moment, recognising that each moment is a chance to lay the foundations for the next moment, but there is no pressure to think beyond the hours ahead of me.

One step at a time.

I hope this doesn't sound too wacky/crazy. This has definitely been a roller-coaster few weeks and despite the ongoing difficulties I am having with depression, the ride seems to be slowing down. Finally.

Still internet issues going on, but as of next Friday, will have a new service provider so will have free reign to take photos, comment, etc. I can't WAIT! I am going to try to get to the library this week because I do have some photos for you guys :)

Take Hold Of Your Mind

Thank you SO much for the support you all gave me with yesterday's post. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to say, "I've been there too" to make things feel less overwhelming and paralysing.

I had therapy today- was VERY tempted to cancel, but decided that I can't afford to skip sessions right now and I think it's the first time I went, completely willing to be 100% honest and get as much out of my 50 minute session as possible.

I was scared of being labelled as psychotic or crazy, or brushed off as being dramatic or attention-seeking. I've had a pretty rocky relationship with my therapist and have found it hard to adjust to her way of working, but as I have grown accustomed to her methods, I have found it to be more and more helpful. I tend to forget that in the lead-up to appointments and am always pretty wary of how she'll respond to me.

I basically told her exactly what I wrote last night about what's been going on. She said that she thought that life is definitely worth living, but that my current situation is likely contributing to me feeling otherwise. There is great benefits to talking to someone who has known me for a long time, knows my patterns, my history- she thought that perhaps the intrusive thoughts I am having may be serving a similar purpose to that which anorexia provides. Distraction from the very real obstacles (isolation, lack of structure, loneliness, adapting to living on my own). We talked about how I have had similar experiences in the past and I often brushed it off saying, "if only I lived by myself...", thus avoiding doing much about the situation except looking to an external solution.

We also talked about applying DBT to this and how a lot of things I am doing to "cope" are making things a lot worse for me. She set out some very clear goals to hopefully help me right now. I sensed an urgency when she spoke, and almost felt threatened, but I guess it's a good thing that she feels the same way about this not being allowed to continue spiralling.

The first ones are around food and weight. We don't generally discuss this in my sessions- her theory being that I have spent so much time talking about it in treatment and read so much about it that further discussion is pointless. I pretty much agree so was surprised when she stated, point-blank, that I need to get a grip on this. Now. There is no doubt in my mind that she is right, but I'm not sure exactly what to do about my intake right now- what to change/add. I have no doubt that it's necessary, and I am willing to do *anything* at this point to regain some semblance of sanity, but am struggling to keep my intake consistent as it is, never mind add in more food. I've cut down on caffeine and liquids to help with the constant nausea I've had this week (anxiety/depression I am guessing) but not sure how else to manage this. I'll give it some thought (ideas welcome!)

The other one was about taking hold of my mind. I've learned about this in DBT, and basically it involves staying in the present moment and not getting swallowed up my anxieties or memories. Staying in the "here and now"- we talked about grounding techniques and things I can do before I am transported to some other dimension. We also discussed pushing away thoughts and delaying actions- none of the urges I have need to be acted on *immediately*. It's okay to just BE. Put worrying on tomorrow's "to do" list- take each moment as it comes, focus on what is going on around me...the smell of my pot-pourri, the fluffy carpet under my feet, the warm cup of coffee in my hand.

How do you stay in the present moment when your thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour?

Lara left me a great comment on yesterday's post which I wanted to highlight:

I know from experience that sometimes when you really really struggle like this,
you are actually breaking through to a point of healing and getting better. I
hope that is what this is for you- the storm before the sun rises.

I was thinking about this after therapy and think it's definitely true. Like I said, it was the first time I went into a session ready and willing to take on board WHATEVER advice my therapist had to offer.

Here's to a great weekend!

Does The Past Dictate The Future?

Thank you so much for your support with yesterday's post- I am so amazed by how the blogging community has so much wisdom and advice...you guys are beyond great :)

*potentially triggering post- mentions behaviours*

I thought more about what I had written as your comments landed in my inbox. I think I am just a little disheartened right now. Between the ages of 12 and 19, I pretty much lived in hospital. I fell into a pattern of either eating disorder behaviours, or self-harming and suicide attempts. NEVER both at the same time.

Between the ages of 19 and 25, my eating disorder was at the forefront of my behaviours and self-harming completely vanished. I guess I hoped, when I signed myself into the inpatient program in New York KNOWING I would be giving up my eating disorder, that I would have somehow "grown out" of the mood swings and impulsivity I dealt with as a teenager. I hadn't, and once again, was...ah... I can't even describe. Unstable, to put it nicely! So it's not something I say lightly when I voice concerns about that becoming an issue at higher weights- I was all for trying again as an adult, to recover 100%, but it almost seems like I NEED my eating disorder to stay on somewhat of an even keel.

Over the last year or so, the lines have grown closer together and it doesn't feel so much like an "either or" choice. The mood swings and impulsivity have become a rather prominent feature again, despite my eating disorder still pretty much running rampant.

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I've never DEALT with the two combined. It's been one or the other. Now I feel really trapped- the only thing that helps my mood slightly is losing weight, and that is becoming shorter-lived by the day, before the depression kicks back in and my thoughts wander off again. Food and weight only distracts me for minutes before my mind drifts back to other urges.

I know my family and treatment team have always been almost 'reassured' when I am at a lower weight because they don't need to worry about self-harm or overdosing. Everyone, myself included, was pretty taken aback after the suicide attempts in October and November, and I am still trying to make sense of where that came from/why NOW/why is my eating disorder not "working" anymore.

I guess the problem comes from seeking a solution in something that can never really bring true contentment, and as long as I do little more than mask the original feelings, they will manifest in all kinds of ways.

The other concern I expressed was about how little support there is when I appear to be "healthy" and that is not just my perception. Eating disorder treatment is really hard to get in the UK in general, more so in Scotland. At a healthy weight, the little services there are will put you at the bottom of the 2 year waiting list, then offer nothing more than 6-8 CBT sessions. There is a total of 9 inpatient beds in the country for eating disorders and those are reserved for people at life-threatening low weights, who have not had the opportunity to receive inpatient treatment before. The ones the National Health Service deem "saveable", and by their definition, based on my history, I'm not.

I don't personally buy it. I preach that full recovery is possible for EVERYONE- regardless of history, circumstances, what treatment they have or haven't had. I say it and I believe it. And I don't think that ANYONE is a write-off or destined to live forever in the clutches of anorexia (or die from it) but at the same time, I feel like I have run out of options. When it comes to therapy, medication, alternative treatments, self-help... I don't know. I don't know exactly what answer I am hoping to find, or there even is an answer. Maybe my belief in recovery is as false as the weird beliefs I hold about my body or food. Maybe it just isn't on the cards for me.

But then what makes ME so different that *I* can't recover whilst everyone else is capable? To that, I have no answer. Except I look at the last 14 years, the things I have tried, the things that have helped, the things that haven't, and I don't know what conclusion to come up with.

This is all kind of doom and gloom, and it's a Friday night so I'm going to stop here (*huge sighs of relief all round*) lol. Still no photos- can you believe that my internet has cost me almost $200 since I maxed out my limit?! Criminal, I'm telling you. I can't WAIT for April 3rd when my contract kicks back in.

Oh, and the flat-out wrap was delicious! My wrapping skills remain a "work in progress", but it tasted great and that's what counts, right? :P

E-Day

= endoscopy day!

I mentioned previously about how self-harm has become a complete "non-issue" for me. I don't think about it, talk about it and definitely don't consider it. Quite the opposite. It's left me with a literal phobia of pain in any way, shape or form What most people might describe as a "minor headache" is unbearable for me. I will call my mom up crying if I stub my toe- it's really bizarre coming from someone with my history. I am also noticing a similar thing with food- I have ZERO tolerance for being hungry or thirsty. I am actually terrified of it. I don't know if it's because I am scared I'll not be able to stop eating when I DO get food, or if it's the memories and associations it stirs up, but it's so freaking uncomfortable for me to NEED something I can't have at that moment. Has anyone else noticed that through recovery they completely lose the ability to tolerate hunger? The word "hangry" has become a regular part of my vocabulary! It's rare that I recognise hunger signals- I think that might be part of the problem. That by the time I DO notice that my body wants food I do feel absolutely horrible, so then I associate hunger with waiting/not eating until suchandsuchatime/not able to focus until I DO eat/horrible physical feelings so I guess it's understandable that I hate it.

Suffice to say, today wasn't my idea of fun. I had to completely fast for 12 hours before the procedure which meant skipping breakfast (throwing my whole day's schedule off- more on that later) and by 11am I was really getting unnecessarily agitated. I didn't actually feel hungry by that point, but I was so scared that it would hit me suddenly and uncontrollably. Then the endoscopy itself. I was due to be sedated but my blood pressure was too low- they gave me a tiny dose to relax me then carried out the whole thing with me fully conscious of what was happening. I don't know if he is used to doing this on knocked-out patients, or is just REALLY rough, but good lord I was in agony. Well, MY idea of agony :P All went smoothly though and I was sent home under strict instructions to avoid operating heavy machinery and signing legal documents for 24 hours. So no house buying/getting married until tomorrow night at least. Haha :)

Enough of my whining. The sedation didn't kick in for the procedure but am pretty wiped out this afternoon. So YAY for having internet access/being able to blog, but BOO to wanting to just go to bed!

I do, as promised, have some pictures...

In anticipation of long wait after endoscopy, I came prepared with snacks galore! Then grabbed more food from the hospital cafe whilst waiting for my appointment.

First time trying a Clif Nectar bar- it was AWESOME! I was sent one in a bar exchange and have been wary of it, but it was delicious. Another thing to add to my list of "must-buys" when I am in the US next! The sandwich (cheese, pickled onion chutney, celery, apple and lettuce) is made by "Cranks". They were I think one of the first vegetarian restaurants in the UK- now closed, but their cookbooks are great. This was a "Ploughmans" sandwich- it's a Brit thing, yo! Usually it's cheese, pickle (chutney/relish-style, not like a cucumber pickle), salad and occasionally meat. Designed for farmers coming in for lunch straight off their ploughs!

Another bar I have had lying around for ages, wary of trying. It looked like something I would LOVE, but had a horrible texture. Hard to describe, but very VERY chewy, though not in a Clif-bar-good-chewy way. Just like shoe leather! I like their British ones better (vanilla coconut...mmm). I wouldn't eat this again, but it did it's job for today and helping me to make up for my missed breakfast!


Dinner tonight, since 1) it's different from my usual and 2) I am at my mom's so have use of an oven that works and doesn't look like it's about to grow legs and start walking around...


Vegetable kiev- kidney beans, petite pois, mushrooms and some other veg stuffed with some kind of cream cheese filling and coated in breadcrumbs. Not homemade, though I DID put it on a baking tray myself. Impressive, no? This is a photo I took of the box. They never look as pretty once they are cooked/plated up!

And some more pictures from the last few days...

Hospital menu which they so thoughtfully filled out for me...


I don't eat red meat so traded the roast beef for cigarettes (lol- the joys of psychiatric units) and waited for my mom to visit...


...bringing a Starbucks low-fat muffin. No vitatops in this country, but these are really good! And something else my mom stuffed into the bag of clothes she brought in:


Thought of you veggiegirl! (I did a whole photo shoot and took about 25 pictures of this because I was so bored!)

Essential reading material:


Just for clarification since a couple people have asked, I want to explain a little more about why I was in hospital. Basically it was a brief psychotic episode which they originally THOUGHT was just anxiety, but are now convinced it is due to the diet pills I have been taking. I never thought diet pills could DO that, but apparently they can. I have been taking these for almost 2 years and only take half a dose- quite easily manage if I miss a few days and not quite sure why I have continued taking them. I guess it felt like some kind of...I don't know. Something I wasn't quite ready to let go of yet. I'm working hard on this now though since I cannot afford for another episode like this to happen! So please, if you DO take OTC diet aids and suffer from anxiety anyway, don't assume you are "getting away with it". I'm not going to preach about dangers or why you should stop, but just know that there are things going on in your body that you can't always see.

Stepping Back In

I've been trying to formulate a coherent post since I was discharged yesterday afternoon. I'm still trying to piece together what happened or how I actually ended up spending the weekend at the local psychiatric hospital. Needless to say, I haven't been doing as well as I like to let myself think.

Much of Friday and Saturday are a blur- I don't remember being admitted to hospital or what events occured leading up to it. It scares me that my memory of the past few days is so hazy, and that I sit here now feeling dazed and confused and trying to piece things together in a way that makes some sort of "sense". I guess things don't always make sense in a conventional meaning of the word when it comes to eating disorders, anxiety, depression, etc.

I am home, I am safe and I have more support right now than I think I have ever had, even during inpatient admissions. I have been discharged to the care of the "Intensive Home Treatment Team" who are visiting me in my apartment daily (twice today) as well as my therapist and housing support worker.

I feel like my brain has been run over by a steam-roller and feel really shaken up- living minute to minute and seem to have lost sight of the bigger picture of "recovery" right now. NOT because I have given up, but this "crisis" (for lack of a better word) is taking priority right now.

So I am back in the real world, back to my usual routine and trying to keep a lid on my anxieties and fears, and waiting until this storm passes.

My internet IS running, though until April, it's at an extortionate rate (hence lack of comments/pictures!) I am staying with my mom tomorrow night after my endoscopy (more on that another day) so I'll try to get up a more visually pleasing post :)

Sounds Of Silence

Today has been a very strange day. Not because anything particularly out of the ordinary has happened, quite the opposite- today has been a typical weekday for me. Strange because I am feeling lazy. Not 'lazy' as in an "I can't be bothered to do anything" way, but as in an "I can't be bothered to think about this right now" way.

Every time my usual anxieties and worries have barged into my brain, they have been met with an almost reflex reaction of, "I'm not GOING there today". Thoughts about food, weight, worrying about stuff that I don't actually NEED to worry about right now have been flying at me in their usual fashion, but I have had no desire to even consider them. The things that would usually irritate me or stress me out, I have shoved violently aside. "I don't have the energy for this crap right now".

I don't know if I am tired, or if something in my brain has actually shifted, or if this is too good to be true, but it's been so peaceful. A silent stillness that feels more serene than the creepy stillness that feels more like the "calm before the storm". It's WEIRD, but it's nice.

I don't know why I am posting this. I'm not really saying anything- merely observing silence and that's not much to blog about. But maybe that's okay. Life isn't always filled with drama and laughter or crisis after crisis. Nor is it composed of victory after victory, trophies and awards piling up, mountains being conquered, Nobel prizes being won. Sometimes it's just the mundane business of doing what needs done, going through motions with not much thought/feeling behind it. Just getting on with this living business that people rate so highly (lol)- I guess as long as there are peaks and troughs in between the periods of quiet, it all balances out into some hodge-podge picture of "normality"?..

"This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes... There is, in the end, the letting go."

- Marya Hornbacher

Growing Up

As much as I want the FREEDOM I talked about in yesterday's post, there is obviously something holding me back. I don't know quite what it is that makes it so difficult to give up my eating disorder, as much as I want to, but there must be SOME kind of pay-off to being sick.

Perhaps it's partly habit- in terms of eating, exercise, food choices, etc. I have been stuck in patterns for so long that breaking out of the pattern feels strange and almost unnecessary (ie, why would I eat more when I am comfortable with my current intake/why would I gain weight when I am *just* accepting of the size I am now?)

But I am pretty sure there is more.

Something about facing up to life, to myself, to the world, without hiding behind my behaviours or appearance is terrifying. Life confuses me. The unpredictability, the constant changes and need to adapt, the whirlwind of emotions in everyday life, never mind the extra turmoil that major events cause. Seemingly small stresses overwhelm me- a part-time job, going out for lunch, paying bills. I feel like I am still the same 12 year old I was when this all started. As if the hands of time stopped in my internal world, leaving my completely unable to "just deal".

Of course, restricting, overexercising, bouncing in and out of hospital, etc hasn't helped the situation. The less I eat, the more overwhelmed I get, the narrower my vision gets, the less capable I am of coping with day to day life.

I know this. And yet I continue to retreat into what is familiar and predictable as soon as life gets "too much" (by "too much", I mean I stop hiding and face up to the responsibilities of adulthood and realise, I don't know what the hell I am doing- I think a lot of people probably feel the same and make it up as they go along...at least, that's what I tell myself!)

There is also the very real fear of being just as screwed up emotionally/mentally at a healthier weight, but due to looking "normal", not getting any support/help with it. The times I HAVE been at a healthier weight have been when my mood swings have been out of control, my urges to self-harm have been through the roof, and barring the suicide attempt I made last year, all the others have been when, to the outside world, I looked "healthy".

Remaining in my anorexic body is, in a way, how I can communicate and say, "I'm not doing so well". But on the other hand, I cope with things so much better when I have the starvation-induced numbness. Because I don't feel so deeply. I don't have to think about what I want to do with my life, worry about the world/my place in it/how it all comes together because all I care about is food/eating/weight.

I want a bigger life? I need to buy some bigger jeans.

So do I *want* a bigger life? Yes. Without a doubt. I want the freedom back that I wrote about yesterday, I want to sparkle and shine and have a true purpose and meaning to my days beyond that false satisfaction and security that anorexia gives me.

It's just so complicated. I don't know HOW to actually change things. How to literally scrap the life I have created for myself where there are a zillion rules and regulations, habits and compulsions, rituals and obsessions. How to create a life worth living, how to deal with life the way people my age do. How to eat properly regardless of what size jeans I am wearing, how to exercise in an appropriate way, how to fill my time, how to be ME, in a world where I have experienced all but a few months of adulthood as a patient/anorexic/crazy person.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anais Nin

Butter me Up, Baby!

What a way to start the day! Oatmeal that gives you a big smile first thing!


I was looking at the list of "fear foods" that Sam and I compiled over the weekend, and realised what all the foods had in common- NOT the calorie or fat content, but the fact that I enjoy them. I don't trust myself around the foods I really like because I have this intense fear that once I start eating them, I won't be able to stop. I should point out that I have no evidence whatsoever to support this belief, but there is this very real fear that I won't be able to control myself if I give myself unconditional permission to eat these foods.


And so I stick to the same old things, occasionally trying something new (different flavour, different combination, different brand) but for the most part, rarely branch out from the things I trust myself to eat in a controlled way.


There is also something to be said for the level of guilt I have when I DO enjoy what I have eaten. I have come a long way in managing to eat beyond the minimal amounts I ate during my lowest points, but I still struggle with the idea that food is more than just a life-sustaining substance. That it can and should be enjoyed. That it's okay to want things- let alone, need things. I go back and forth in my head about whether or not I really NEED something and it's virtually impossible for me to even contemplate wants without any valid reasoning behind it.


I can justify eating my "safe" foods because for the most part, they fulfill a certain criteria- either a decent whack of protein or fibre, a hefty dose of vitamins or minerals. It's hard to eat something with a lower nutritional value purely because it tastes better. I'll pay double the price for a yogurt that I hate, just because it has 5 calories less and 3g more of protein than the one I really want.

It's absurd and although a lot of the time it makes eating easier (less anxiety/more predictable), it's not how I want to live my life.

From social occasions to every day life, food IS essential for survival, but it's more than that. It's a way to let your body know that you respect it, that you deserve to be healthy and nourished through both all the chemical reactions that take place when you digest food to your taste buds. Food is more than just fuel. I have accepted the fact that NOT eating is not an option. Now I want to learn how to enjoy food and see it as a source of fuel, energy, LIFE- but also pleasure.


So that's a goal to keep in mind.


Anyway, back to the list Sam and I made. A couple of days ago, we took on the "liquid calorie" challenge. Today was BUTTER.


I think it's a pretty British thing- if you order a turkey sandwich here, it's pretty much guaranteed to come with butter as opposed to the US where mayonnaise is standard. In hospital, toast was always served with butter (in the US, we had peanut butter, cream cheese or butter). Even burgers are served with butter instead of mayonnaise half the time! It's something I have never really eaten- growing up with a mom on a never-ending diet, it was never on our sandwiches at home and I guess I always saw it as somewhat unnecessary. But I have to admit, I DO like it. Not in huge quantities, certainly not on peanut butter sandwiches (which yes- is pretty common here!) but on toast with honey? Or on a turkey sandwich? Hell yes.


So today was the day Sam and I did our butter challenge together...


I think malt loaf is a British thing too? I never saw it in the US. It's kind of a cross between raisin bread and fruit cake. And yes, it's good with butter! I have never bought a tub of butter in my life (!) and didn't want to go there today, but this met challenge criteria.






It was REALLY good! The malt loaf is dense and chewy, and I microwaved it to melt the butter in...mmmm... Great snack. Do i feel guilty? Kind of. My brain is tied up in knots trying to figure out what the purpose was of eating it. Being my schedule "snack time" isn't cutting it- so am going to hold onto my earlier ramblings about food that tastes good is also okay to eat. Not every snack has to have 50000g of protein or 800g fibre (owch- that one might hurt :P ). Taste is now coming into the decision making process when I choose my foods and this tastes awesome. So a good enough reason, right? (uh...little reassurance here?)


What are some of your favourite tasting foods/meals? (BONUS POINTS if it's something I can manage to cook without burning my apartment down/giving myself food poisoning!)

Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Nin, Anaise

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.



More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.

**************

This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!


I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?


This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

• 1/3 cup oats
• skim milk
• banana
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!

A Week In Review

Thank you so much for your feedback on yesterday's post- I was worried about offending people. I have a LOT of respect for all the bloggers out there and am glad that I have your support in keeping the focus of this blog on *me* and my recovery.

So it's been a week since I moved into my apartment. It definitely feels like "home", but to be perfectly honest, I am really struggling with a few things and am surprised to look back at quite how much has changed in the past week.

I have a lot of trouble with OCD-like rituals and routines. I don't HAVE OCD, and when I am at a healthier weight, my symptoms pretty much disappear. At lower weights, they become more and more entrenched. Part of why it was so hard for me living with family was due to the fact that my obsessions and purely focused around food/drink (timings, what I do when I eat/drink, my plates/food/blah blah). It threw up a lot of challenges being with other people and the occasional disruption to my routines.

Being by myself, there ARE no disruptions. I have free reign, or at least, anorexia does. I've fallen into a very rigid structure that I didn't quite realise until last night when my mom suggested meeting for coffee on Wednesday (cue: panic/terror/"can't drink coffee at suchandsuch a place at suchandsuch a time"). I sat with the anxiety for a couple of hours, my head spinning, thoughts racing about how I would manage, how it would affect the rest of my day, etc, and eventually decided it was too much for me to deal with.

Two weeks ago, with a little notice, I could have quite easily shifted things around and gone out at a time that isn't normal for me, and now? I can't even fathom the idea of breaking my routine. I usually see my therapist on Tuesday mornings- this week it happens to be an afternoon appointment so I cancelled. I cancelled the meeting to discuss my craziness due to my craziness.

Alarm bells are going off in my head- I went on a "spree" this afternoon and cancelled my dentist appointment, the scheduled endoscopy I have next week, officially let my tutor know I am not coming back to class. Then carried on my day with my usual...

• 3pm- xxx
• 3:15- yyy
• 3:25- zzz
• 3:27- cigarette (yes, I have set times for cigarettes too)

This is just...surreal. I didn't even notice this was happening, and now am back in the rigid structure that inevitably interferes with any hope I have of branching out and doing new things. I've also (trigger warning) lost what I guess is a "considerable" amount of weight given that it's only been a week. I'm not quite sure HOW (unless cheese is some miracle weight loss food?), but there is no doubt in my mind that the rigidity correlates with the weight loss. I feel so trapped right now. Terrified to break the routines I have set up, terrified to change what I am eating, terrified to let this carry on any longer. Now that I am aware of it, I feel obligated to CHANGE it. Because it's crazy and soul-destroying and making my "home" feel more like a prison. But at the same time, I'm not even sure how this happened so have no idea where to start unravelling it. I feel like anorexia has tied me up and is hitting me with a stick right now.

I think a lot of the initial anxiety stems from being alone in an new area. I have a lot of bad memories of this city and it's been really stressful for me to be by myself in an area that I don't know- I don't know how safe it really is, I don't know who lives around here and I am not yet familiar with the buses/"escape routes". I have no reason to believe that this IS an unsafe area, but I have no proof to the contrary. Oh, ever the optimist, eh?

For those of you who have asked about where I live: it is, by definition, "supported housing". What that means is my apartment is owned by a charity (rather than landlord) and they offer support with practical (and supposedly emotional) issues. In practice, this means that a support worker comes to see me a couple of times a week and check that I am okay/point me in the direction of community activities/sort out any repairs that need done in the apartment. It's a one bedroom furnished place in a residential block.

So that's my ramble/update on where things are right now. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point- hope that in time the anxiety lessens/I feel safer and can make some changes? Set some small goals? To be honest, I am bored to tears at the thought of "baby steps". I'm tempted to just rip up the mental schedule I have and say, "to hell with it" but I'm not sure that's the most effective approach.

Ack.

I do believe that awareness is the first step to change, and at least now I see what is happening (oh awareness, how I love you- if only you were ENOUGH!)

On to more fun stuff.

I am a firm believer that if you have a specific craving, it's because your body needs some sort of nutrient. Today I had a random craving for raisins. I generally crave non-typical things: top of my list are mushrooms, dried fruit and yogurt. I can live with that.

So back to raisins. I really wanted to mix raisins with strawberry yogurt, but was waiting for my bus and didn't have much time so grabbed something new for today's snack:

I've seen these but never looked too closely because I figured if I want dried fruit, I'll incorporate it into breakfast. If I want a bar, I want some protein power. But cravings are cravings and on closer inspection, aside from the chocolate, the ingredients were just dried fruit and flax seeds.



Photogenic, no? Lol. It was "okay". I think it would be good in oatmeal or something- sickeningly sweet. And trust me- coming from the girl who puts 12 sweeteners in her coffee, that says something! Or maybe I am just used to artificial sweeteners and not so much "natural" sugar (each little finger was classed as one bar- tiny, but essentially pure dried fruit). Am I glad I tried it? Yes. Would I buy it again? Unlikely. Raisins and yogurt would have been a better choice! Edited to say: maybe it's two fingers because one bar is enough sweetness?

I did want to title this post "Ch-easy Like Monday Morning", but this was actually dinner (I told you I can't cook!) It has been in every post- I can't do cheese at breakfast! Need me some FAGE/fay-eh (or whatever it's called) in the morning.

Yes, I did it again. I think I can confidently say that I am kind of bored with this now. I stuck the rest of my bag of cheese in the freezer- assuming it will be okay? My mom freezes her kosher cheese (presumably made by milk that comes from from matzoh ball fed cows) so I think I relax in the knowledge that cheesy apple oats are in my future.

Apologies for weird formatting- blogspot is giving me no end of trouble tonight!