Tuesday, 25 November 2008

I Don't Want To Grow Old (With Anorexia)

Do you ever think about the future? Stupid question, perhaps- everyone thinks about the future in some way. Whether it's planning dinner or picturing a wedding, the fact that time doesn't *stop* is one thing that is certain in life. I mean, do you ever think about when you are older, say 30 or 40 years from now, and you are looking back at your life?..

It hit me this evening that I am terrified of growing old, spending my years like the recent few. I am terrified of reaching the age of 80 having not eaten my own birthday cake since I was 11, of not eating my mom's cooking when I had the chance, of not eaten a piece of pie at Thanksgiving. I'm scared that time is moving too fast- that I'm going to wake up and my life could be over. Having never had a real job for any length of time, never had a meaningful relationship, never had a day where I didn't obsess about food/weight.

I'm TERRIFIED, not that I will die as a direct result of my eating disorder, but that I will live my life in the grips of an eating disorder. If you can call it living.

I remember when I was diagnosed, at the age of 12, with anorexia. It never occurred to me that I would be dealing with this for more than a few months. I didn't think it was POSSIBLE to struggle with this well into my 20's. I am now 26, which means that over half of my life has been consumed by this disease. The thought of another year is bad enough- the thought of a lifetime of this? A "lifetime" is a long-ass time!

I want to change. I need to change. There MUST be another way. There MUST be more than this.


DaftDragon said...

This is huge. Seriously. Wanting to change and having the resolve to do so is one of the biggest parts of coming out of this. It absolutely can be done. I was first diagnosed at 13 and it came and went, but now, at 20, I am coming out again. But htis time feels different, this time is for real. There is so much love and purpose in this world that you can find as you lose your ED and gain yourself. (For the record I am absolutely not religious, thought I'd mention since I think the post sounded that way).

All I'm saying is it CAN be done. and the thoughts you are mentioning have definitely occurred to me.

Good luck! Sending good karma...

ellie said...

Thanks- I am glad you are coming out the other side... :) I definitely agree about losing ED/gaining yourself- true identities get completely swallowed (pardon the pun) with an eating disorder!

seeleelive (for the love of peanut butter) said...

I think there is another way. I really do. People do get better. It comes from within. There is no pill to recover from a son of a bitch like Ed. It's all brain power. It's determination. It's knowledge. Honestly. Perseverance. Patience. Forgiveness. Perspective.

ellie said...

Thanks Lee- I agree. There is another way. And yeah, lots of work involved, but I am a great believer that recover is a real possibility for *anyone* with an eating disorder (not a train of thought shared with me by the professionals in the UK). Thank you for the reminder...it's very easy to get caught up in day-to-day struggles and lose sight of the fact that people can, and DO, move beyond this.