Learning From The Start

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on intuitive eating- seems to be something a lot of us struggle with. I wonder how many people truly eat intuitively? I think kids set a great example of knowing when they are hungry/full, and making it clear what they like and don't like.
What was your experience with food when you were growing up?

I was brought up eating a pretty healthy and varied diet- all the kids at school would bring chips/cookies for break time, and I would have tubs of dried fruit and mushrooms! We all sat down to meals at home together and were expected to finish what we were given without any arguments complaints about what was served. This was good because it meant I tried a lot of things most kids probably don't eat regularly (snails!), but on the other hand, I think it makes it harder now because eating intuitively/according to what my body asks for has never been encouraged.

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Last night I cooked!


Quorn fillets chopped up in tomato sauce with laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta. My obsession with quorn is growing... There are so many things you can do with this stuff! I love that it's high in protein, but soy free, and so much cheaper than meat/fish. It has more flavour itself than tofu, but also takes on the taste of whatever it is cooked with.

This morning's breakfast was...a challenge.


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with skimmed milk and sliced banana.

Looks ugly innocent enough, and was certainly 'safe'- the challenge refers to yesterday's post about my fear of being hungry. I usually make sure to get a decent amount of protein and fiber, along with a little fat at breakfast- just what seems to work best for me. This meal was much more "carb" based and I was really scared of a repeat of yesterday morning's horrible empty feeling (I have no issues with consuming carbohydrates, I just prefer my meals to be more balanced). The verdict? I need to trust my body more! I really liked this breakfast and was just as comfortable afterwards as my other breakfasts: moral of the story? Some days different nutrients are required for different purposes. Today this worked.

Lunch was a protein packed FIESTA!


I have decided to call this a 'burrito bowl'. For no other reason than that it contains salsa. It isn't in a bowl, and although I've never been, doubt very much that it's anything LIKE what Chipotle serve...good nonetheless. In the mix: tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- what have you got planned for Memorial Day?

A New Week

Thank you for your feedback yesterday- I don't know why I thought I was the only one who had a difficult relationship with their parents. I have always imagined families to be loving and caring environments like they are on TV- I *know* life isn't like that, but I still cling rather childishly to the idea that my family should be picture-perfect and then get upset when I realise it's far from it. I guess all families have their ups and downs...human nature, and all that!

Onto today...

I used to set goals pretty frequently and haven't done that for a while- Sunday seems as good a day as any to set some aims for the coming week...

• do 1 social thing: I bumped into a friend today whom I haven't seen since I was 15. We chatted for 10 mins and exchanged numbers- this week's goal is to call her and arrange to meet.
• try 2 new meals: I have been doing better in expanding my food choices lately, but want to kick it up a notch and try something completely different. I've bought the food so there's no backing out now!
• don't buy anymore food: I NEED to stop buying groceries... I seem to go every day to a store and rarely leave empty handed. The result is an over-stuffed freezer and feeling anxious that there is so much food around to be used up (plus it's getting unnecessarily expensive!) I have everything I need for the week so there is NO reason to buy more right now.
• start reading for 20 minutes a day: I was doing this, but seem to have stopped over the last couple of weeks. I miss it!
• go to bed by 10pm every night: I am still having a lot of trouble falling and staying asleep- I seem to wake up around 5 regardless of what time I DO go to bed so I want to make sure I give myself enough time to get a decent night's rest.

"Be not afraid of moving forward- only of standing still"

Anyone want to join me on setting some goals for the week?

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Breakfast was bran flakes mixed with microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot.



Mmmm...cheesecake!

This is kind of random, but I have noticed that the days I have peanut butter for breakfast, I crave SALT all day long- to the point where I can literally taste it on my lips. Does anyone else find this with peanut butter? It seems kind of strange!

As part of Katie's challenge to try new foods, I picked up some large flat mushrooms. I LOVE mushrooms but have never had the bigger ones before.


I made a filling with diced mushroom, garlic, Italian herbs and laughing cow cheese- spread the mushroom with tomato chutney, added the filling, sprinkled with parmesan and baked for 30 mins. It was really good! I very rarely cook and it's even more rare that I 1) last minute impulsively buy something to incorporate into a meal that I had planned, and 2) that I make up a recipe as I go along without spending hours calculating the nutritional content. Yeah, kind of proud of myself for this one (even if it isn't the prettiest of meals!)

This was just an 'extra'/side dish/appetiser for the main event:


Chicken in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage and spring onion mashed potato, with steamed vegetables. Ready made meal that I bought last weekend- was pretty good for prepackaged food. With 30g protein, I had been won over before I tasted it :P

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!

I Don't Want To Be A Loser

I've spoken before about how I find it hard to believe in weight loss- how as long as I'm not gaining weight, I think I am maintaining. To avoid the weight gain I fear, I err on the side of caution and end up losing. I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the fact that I want to REALLY maintain- ie, NOT lose, and just hold my weight where it is. I weigh myself every day to check that I haven't magically gained Xlbs overnight, one part of me secretly hoping the number will be lower than yesterday. Lately it's hovered around the same number and there is always an initial disappointment (along with the relief that I haven't gained) that I am the same weight as the few days before. I have to keep reminding myself: that's now what I want anymore.

This is completely new to me. I am used to losing weight and I am used to refeeding/gaining weight. Maintaining is not something that comes easily to me- to be honest, I'm not sure HOW to maintain. It's more complex than losing/gaining (both of which take quite big jumps calorie-wise in one direction or another). To just stay as things are is a 'novelty'- one I worry that I am going to get bored of. To grasp the concept of never losing weight again seems... I don't know. So final. I don't WANT the life that losing weight is going to give me- I want so many other things that don't mix with the energy I would need to devote to restricting, but the idea of NEVER going back down that path again feels terrifying right now. It feels like I am maintaining for now. That I am delaying the inevitable and meanwhile seeing what other things I might accomplish. I guess my hope is that during this "experiment" I'll find enough things I enjoy/am passionate about that losing weight/relapsing would be primarily inconvenient if nothing else.

I don't want to DO that anymore.

I don't want my life to shrink to nothing more than number and calories. I don't want to eat the exact same things at every meal. I don't want my days to revolve around exercising and grocery shopping. I don't want to lie awake all night, too hungry and cold to sleep. I don't want to feel that gnarling emptiness in my stomach that aches, my muscles aching as they struggle to perform the little tasks required like climbing up the stairs to my apartment or brushing my hair. I don't want my hands and feet to contort into painful spasms.

I want to have energy to jump out of bed each morning ready for the day ahead. I want to sleep peacefully at night. I want to eat a variety of food and enjoy it, then move on- not immediately start watching the clock until the next "allowed" meal/snack.

I don't want to go down the road of my previous attempts at "maintenance" because I inevitably get hooked on the ensuing weight loss and just carry on down that path. Because it's so easily done. It comes so naturally, it's so familiar, it's so predictable, it's so addictive...and it's so horrific.

I don't want that anymore. I need to somehow get my head around the choice I am making to commit, unconditionally, to never starve my body again. To give it the fuel it needs for the life I so desperately want. I still have yet to figure out what that life entails exactly, but I need to keep reminding myself that a REAL life is only going to be an option for me if my body and mind are nourished properly...

It feels like a loss of 'purpose' in a lot of ways- so much time and energy has been dedicated to either visibly shrinking or visibly recovering...who am I if not a relapsing/recovering anorexic? Obviously this is false and recovery is far more about what's going on inside, but for someone so used to using my body to articulate what my words never will, this is terrifying to me. It's hard to switch from the default mode you have been in for more than half of your life.

Hard, but I don't think it's impossible.

Defaults can be changed the same way beliefs or ideas can be changed- as we learn and we grow, we change and our thoughts and actions follow.

"You change for two reasons- either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough to have to..."

...or in some cases, a bit of both.

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Onto some food, right?

I actually cooked a "proper" meal last night!

Quorn fillets in homemade tomato sauce w/ laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta shells and baby broccoli trees so I can pretend I am a giant (kidding- these were at the bottom of my bag of frozen veg and I thought they were cute!). Yes mom, I COOKED! I don't know if it was partly psychological, but this meal (although calorie-wise equivalent to my usual dinners) was incredibly filling. In a NICE way- an "I'm satisfied/content" way as opposed to "OMG I just ate 3 lbs of broccoli and my stomach is about to burst" way.

I had set a goal a while back to read for 30 mins each evening, and last night after dinner, I curled up with a new book and read solidly for almost three hours. That is a RECORD for me in recent years. I used to spend entire days reading when I was little, but my concentration/focus has made that impossible lately. Proper food = decent brain functioning?..

I slept really well and started off my Sunday with a delicious breakfast...


Bran flakes, cheesecake fage cherry twin pot and raisins.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

Looking Through Different Eyes

Yesterday's anxiety spiralled into a frenzy last night. I knew I should just call it a night and go to bed, but I stayed awake, curled up on the sofa writing in my "meal planner" book, throwing out food, sticking abusive notes to myself all over my apartment. I woke up this morning feeling like a different person- went to the fridge to get my overnight muesli, only to remember that in last night's rampage, I had covered the entire thing with washing-up liquid.

I walked around slowly, pulling down the notes, cleaning up and starting my week afresh.

I spent a lot of time last night looking at blog entries from a year ago when I was in New York. I noted two things:-

1. This time last year, I was writing very similar posts: the same frustrations about not being able to let go of my eating disorder and move forward once and for all- recognising baby steps, but not really making any significant changes
2. I WAS happier overall being in New York, but I wrote a lot about the anxiety and depression I was dealing with, the loneliness, rejection, stress about finding/keeping a job, health care, etc. It wasn't all as happy and wonderful as I continue to picture it to be.

So where does that leave things? I don't want to be writing the same posts a year from now. I thought I would want to be living in New York, but having re-read how I really felt/managed whilst I was there, I'm not so sure.

I am so frustrated right now- I feel like I have no goals in mind, nothing to aim for and am just drifting along for no real reason. That was the thinking behind last night's 'episode'- I figured that if I can't be normal/recovered/living a "real" life, then why even bother trying to fight this at all?..

I AM feeling better this morning. Not because I woke up having discovered my true calling in life and suddenly have goals/purpose/passions to pursue, but because I need to believe that somehow, sometime this will get easier. It's not always going to be like this- though part of my brain is screaming as I write this that things really AREN'T going to change dramatically. But that is such a defeatist attitude, such a cop-out. As long as I am around, I have a chance to change things- I guess although I am having a lot of the same thoughts as last night, instead of using it to fall head-first back into heavy ED behaviours, I'm trying to use it to propel me forward...

Before I forget, head on over to Meg's site to read a great post about living life to the fullest!

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With today's breakfast sabotaged, I kind of panicked. I didn't want to eat the breakfast I planned last night when I was in such an emotional state, so scrounged around to make up my usual calorie quota with what was lying around...

Bran flakes with Fage honey twin pot and raisins. Where would I be without Fage?! I actually found this sickeningly sweet- I love honey, but there was a LOT of it in this yogurt. I think I'll stick to the cheesecake fruit twin pots.

And BIG NEWS! My oven is FIXED! Of course, I had to test it out...

I made a sauce for the kidney beans using melted laughing cow cheese, pesto and mushrooms. With baked sweet potato half-moons. It's all about the ha-hee-hey-ho sweet po-ta-to... I forgot how much I love pesto- I find it a bit strong by itself, but combined with the creamy laughing cow cheese was delicious. This is the closest thing I have come to "cooking" in a really long time- and definitely a first time for me "experimenting" and making up some sort of recipe as I went along. Loved it :)

Question: I finally found an all natural non-soy protein powder (it's pea protein). Stellar nutritional stats, but it's unflavoured. I don't have a blender so smoothies are out- anyone got ideas for how to use it? I am wary about buying it if it's going to be gross, but open to suggestions for jazzing it up!

Stepping Up To the Plate

Thank you for the great feedback and support on yesterday's post. I was hesitant again to post because I felt kind of stupid writing a whole long entry about a fear of cheese. At the risk of offending all the cheese fanatics out there, I'm going to say this: I don't have the time or energy to waste thinking about one particular food item. Cheese is great, but not worth spending an entire day obsessing over!

Lexi's video post yesterday got me thinking about what recovery means to me on the whole. There is SO much I want to say about this and I'm not going to even skim the surface in this post because it is such a huge topic and I have so many thoughts and goals around it. I pretty much agree with most of what Lexi said- it's NOT about just eating a cake or "eating normally". BUT, for me at least, food is an issue that needs to be addressed. I went years going to therapy and talking about my difficulties, not mentioning food, and thinking I was doing really well. It's a pretty dangerous approach if you are heavily engaging in eating disordered behaviours whilst doing that because a lot of physical damage can be done before any significant changes take place.

So I am going to talk a little more about the food aspect because it is something that I can't really afford to be ignoring right now. I have been thinking more and more about the foods I eat, the foods I avoid, the rut I am stuck in. Also about how I can talk and talk until I am blue in the face about the bigger picture of recovery and life without anorexia, but there is a limit to how much progress I can and will make as long as I stay so entrenched in my behaviours and routines.

To be completely honest, I've been struggling a lot since moving on Monday. Not so much in terms of restricting, but some of my other difficulties- eating the same things every day, hoarding food (I have a habit of stocking up on "safe foods" and this week has been spent literally packing my fridge and cupboards full of one particular item I eat for lunch every day). I'd been doing much better with variety in my diet and I'm not sure why it's become so hard again- I justify it by thinking about the cost of food: it's balanced, nutritious, pretty cheap to buy. But really? I think I am scared about moving/being independent and reverting back to what is familiar and safe.

This move is NO DOUBT a fabulous thing for me, but is definitely throwing up challenges. It's not even been a week so now is a good time for me to really look at how things have been going and what needs to change. Obviously the eating aspect is part of it. Yes it feels safe to eat the same foods every day. Yes I can then budget well, plan, etc. It's not how I want to live forever. The list of foods I feel "okay" eating is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I am not okay with that. I'm not going to lie down and let anorexia stamp all over me.

It's time to walk the walk, and start making real and concrete changes before this gets out of hand.

I took on board what you all suggested in terms of introducing fear foods back into diet, and now also have the task of adding recent staples back in- the lovely Sam suggested that her and I each make lists of some foods we avoid and set weekly goals together so I am working on that.

I'm 26 and it's time I start being an active participant in LIFE instead of wittering away my time bouncing in and out of hospital and avoiding people/situations/the world because I am afraid of what food may/may not be available.

So the tasks at hand...

• incorporate some of my recent foods back into my diet- just because I have moved apartments doesn't mean I abandon the progress I had made
• make a list of my "fear foods" and set my goals with Sam
• report back in my blog about what specific food goal I set each week and how it goes (remembering that I don't need to eat XYZ every single day, but I don't want to feel controlled by the FEAR of it)
• to not buy any more of this staple lunch item: I kid you not, I have over a month's supply, by which point, I *will* be eating a wider variety and ready for a new lunch challenge!

Anyone else want in on this weekly food goal challenge?

Now onto actual food/culinary goodness since I have pretty pictures to share :)

Breakfast today featured this cereal:

For anyone in the UK, this is great. It's little bran flakes with dried blueberries and strawberries. I'd written to the company recently and they sent me 6 boxes of me beloved cereal- THANK YOU Alex at Alara! I mixed it with chopped/microwaved apple and fage- the picture does not do the size of this justice. The apple was humongous and it was a pretty hefty cereal serving (we don't have serving sizes on most UK nutritional labels so I have free reign with no mind-twisting government guidelines to abide by!):

Snack was inspired by Lee's post about non-bar snacks- this was one of my suggestions and since I have always loved rice pudding, caught my eye in the store. I wouldn't class it as a "major" fear, but the only kinds I've had over the last few years have been low-fat/diet varieties. Still taste great (some of them do anyway!), but this looked like a good alternative to my usual snacks...

Wow. Move over diet food desserts, there's a new kid in town... This was, hands down, the best rice pudding I have ever eaten. Calorie-wise, was equivalent to most of the bars/other snacks I eat, so wasn't hugely anxiety-provoking, but I am SO glad I tried this. Sweet, creamy, vanilla-y...mmmm....what's not to like? Can't wait to check out more of this company's products!

Close-up of creamy goodness:

And just for kicks, am posting my dinner. I don't usually post my lunches and dinners because they tend to be pretty repetitive. I am, as I think I've mentioned, a terrible cook. But I can cook pasta sauce so you can bet your bottom dollar that if I *do* branch out from the norm and cook something from scratch, you guys are going to see it!

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with steamed runner beans- yes, a repeat of last week's dinner, but like I said, it's all I can cook :P