Investments and Savings

I know, SUCH an eye-catching title for a Monday :P

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with somebody about 'opening a bank account'. Not a regular bank account: a HAPPINESS bank account. The theory was/is that for every positive experience you have, you savour it while it lasts and then stash away the memory in this bank account. Over time, the 'capital' builds and then when the chips are down in life, you can head to the 'bank', pull out some of those happy times and relive the memories of when things get brighter.

I used to think that my 'bad' days were unique to me- it's only been pretty recently that I've realised that EVERYONE has crappy days. Everyone has days where everything seems to go wrong, or something bad happens or just a general "blah" feeling for no tangible reason. I'd love to be one of those people who are happy all the time and take everything in their stride- but I'm not. I over analyse things, I worry too much about stuff outwith my control and I take things very personally. I think this 'bank account' concept is such a great idea because on the inevitable crappy days, it's hard to remember that it's JUST a 'bad' day and it happens to most people. Some more frequently than others, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and occasional rainfalls are just part and parcel of being human.

So now my question: what good stuff has happened to you lately that you would want to put in your happiness account?

Heh, sometimes I feel like I think/talk too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep things lighter and write about...shoes? Interior design? Spaghetti?

Yes, food talk is good. So lets get to that...

*********

Last night's dinner turned into a 'pot luck'-type event. I pulled a container out of the freezer yesterday morning- I could identify red stuff (tomato sauce), white chunks which I thought were beans and green stuff which I thought was mould herbs. Bean stew?

PASTA! I was secretly very happy to discover this lay inside the icy box... This was made a while ago (containing a tomato herb sauce with melted laughing cow cheese, chopped up quorn filllet, broccoli and pasta) and I completely forgot I had some left. I should start labelling my tupperware (or just having fun with the surprises that come out of my freezer!) Where my beans have gone too, I have no idea...

Breakfast this morning was a K-inspired parfait...

Chopped apple, Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. This glass is this biggest one I own, but I think I need a proper parfait glass. I ended up throwing this into a bowl so I could mix it up properly...this picture is much prettier though so I won't show you the bowl-shot!

Money-shot of a snack...

Caramel peanut nougat Atkins bar. I am *not* an Atkins 'fan' by any means, but I like anything with chocolate and caramel high-protein snacks. The ingredient list kind of made me feel like I was in a chemistry lab, but hey...it tasted good.

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

I Don't Want To Be A Loser

I've spoken before about how I find it hard to believe in weight loss- how as long as I'm not gaining weight, I think I am maintaining. To avoid the weight gain I fear, I err on the side of caution and end up losing. I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the fact that I want to REALLY maintain- ie, NOT lose, and just hold my weight where it is. I weigh myself every day to check that I haven't magically gained Xlbs overnight, one part of me secretly hoping the number will be lower than yesterday. Lately it's hovered around the same number and there is always an initial disappointment (along with the relief that I haven't gained) that I am the same weight as the few days before. I have to keep reminding myself: that's now what I want anymore.

This is completely new to me. I am used to losing weight and I am used to refeeding/gaining weight. Maintaining is not something that comes easily to me- to be honest, I'm not sure HOW to maintain. It's more complex than losing/gaining (both of which take quite big jumps calorie-wise in one direction or another). To just stay as things are is a 'novelty'- one I worry that I am going to get bored of. To grasp the concept of never losing weight again seems... I don't know. So final. I don't WANT the life that losing weight is going to give me- I want so many other things that don't mix with the energy I would need to devote to restricting, but the idea of NEVER going back down that path again feels terrifying right now. It feels like I am maintaining for now. That I am delaying the inevitable and meanwhile seeing what other things I might accomplish. I guess my hope is that during this "experiment" I'll find enough things I enjoy/am passionate about that losing weight/relapsing would be primarily inconvenient if nothing else.

I don't want to DO that anymore.

I don't want my life to shrink to nothing more than number and calories. I don't want to eat the exact same things at every meal. I don't want my days to revolve around exercising and grocery shopping. I don't want to lie awake all night, too hungry and cold to sleep. I don't want to feel that gnarling emptiness in my stomach that aches, my muscles aching as they struggle to perform the little tasks required like climbing up the stairs to my apartment or brushing my hair. I don't want my hands and feet to contort into painful spasms.

I want to have energy to jump out of bed each morning ready for the day ahead. I want to sleep peacefully at night. I want to eat a variety of food and enjoy it, then move on- not immediately start watching the clock until the next "allowed" meal/snack.

I don't want to go down the road of my previous attempts at "maintenance" because I inevitably get hooked on the ensuing weight loss and just carry on down that path. Because it's so easily done. It comes so naturally, it's so familiar, it's so predictable, it's so addictive...and it's so horrific.

I don't want that anymore. I need to somehow get my head around the choice I am making to commit, unconditionally, to never starve my body again. To give it the fuel it needs for the life I so desperately want. I still have yet to figure out what that life entails exactly, but I need to keep reminding myself that a REAL life is only going to be an option for me if my body and mind are nourished properly...

It feels like a loss of 'purpose' in a lot of ways- so much time and energy has been dedicated to either visibly shrinking or visibly recovering...who am I if not a relapsing/recovering anorexic? Obviously this is false and recovery is far more about what's going on inside, but for someone so used to using my body to articulate what my words never will, this is terrifying to me. It's hard to switch from the default mode you have been in for more than half of your life.

Hard, but I don't think it's impossible.

Defaults can be changed the same way beliefs or ideas can be changed- as we learn and we grow, we change and our thoughts and actions follow.

"You change for two reasons- either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough to have to..."

...or in some cases, a bit of both.

*******

Onto some food, right?

I actually cooked a "proper" meal last night!

Quorn fillets in homemade tomato sauce w/ laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta shells and baby broccoli trees so I can pretend I am a giant (kidding- these were at the bottom of my bag of frozen veg and I thought they were cute!). Yes mom, I COOKED! I don't know if it was partly psychological, but this meal (although calorie-wise equivalent to my usual dinners) was incredibly filling. In a NICE way- an "I'm satisfied/content" way as opposed to "OMG I just ate 3 lbs of broccoli and my stomach is about to burst" way.

I had set a goal a while back to read for 30 mins each evening, and last night after dinner, I curled up with a new book and read solidly for almost three hours. That is a RECORD for me in recent years. I used to spend entire days reading when I was little, but my concentration/focus has made that impossible lately. Proper food = decent brain functioning?..

I slept really well and started off my Sunday with a delicious breakfast...


Bran flakes, cheesecake fage cherry twin pot and raisins.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

Stepping Up To the Plate

Thank you for the great feedback and support on yesterday's post. I was hesitant again to post because I felt kind of stupid writing a whole long entry about a fear of cheese. At the risk of offending all the cheese fanatics out there, I'm going to say this: I don't have the time or energy to waste thinking about one particular food item. Cheese is great, but not worth spending an entire day obsessing over!

Lexi's video post yesterday got me thinking about what recovery means to me on the whole. There is SO much I want to say about this and I'm not going to even skim the surface in this post because it is such a huge topic and I have so many thoughts and goals around it. I pretty much agree with most of what Lexi said- it's NOT about just eating a cake or "eating normally". BUT, for me at least, food is an issue that needs to be addressed. I went years going to therapy and talking about my difficulties, not mentioning food, and thinking I was doing really well. It's a pretty dangerous approach if you are heavily engaging in eating disordered behaviours whilst doing that because a lot of physical damage can be done before any significant changes take place.

So I am going to talk a little more about the food aspect because it is something that I can't really afford to be ignoring right now. I have been thinking more and more about the foods I eat, the foods I avoid, the rut I am stuck in. Also about how I can talk and talk until I am blue in the face about the bigger picture of recovery and life without anorexia, but there is a limit to how much progress I can and will make as long as I stay so entrenched in my behaviours and routines.

To be completely honest, I've been struggling a lot since moving on Monday. Not so much in terms of restricting, but some of my other difficulties- eating the same things every day, hoarding food (I have a habit of stocking up on "safe foods" and this week has been spent literally packing my fridge and cupboards full of one particular item I eat for lunch every day). I'd been doing much better with variety in my diet and I'm not sure why it's become so hard again- I justify it by thinking about the cost of food: it's balanced, nutritious, pretty cheap to buy. But really? I think I am scared about moving/being independent and reverting back to what is familiar and safe.

This move is NO DOUBT a fabulous thing for me, but is definitely throwing up challenges. It's not even been a week so now is a good time for me to really look at how things have been going and what needs to change. Obviously the eating aspect is part of it. Yes it feels safe to eat the same foods every day. Yes I can then budget well, plan, etc. It's not how I want to live forever. The list of foods I feel "okay" eating is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I am not okay with that. I'm not going to lie down and let anorexia stamp all over me.

It's time to walk the walk, and start making real and concrete changes before this gets out of hand.

I took on board what you all suggested in terms of introducing fear foods back into diet, and now also have the task of adding recent staples back in- the lovely Sam suggested that her and I each make lists of some foods we avoid and set weekly goals together so I am working on that.

I'm 26 and it's time I start being an active participant in LIFE instead of wittering away my time bouncing in and out of hospital and avoiding people/situations/the world because I am afraid of what food may/may not be available.

So the tasks at hand...

• incorporate some of my recent foods back into my diet- just because I have moved apartments doesn't mean I abandon the progress I had made
• make a list of my "fear foods" and set my goals with Sam
• report back in my blog about what specific food goal I set each week and how it goes (remembering that I don't need to eat XYZ every single day, but I don't want to feel controlled by the FEAR of it)
• to not buy any more of this staple lunch item: I kid you not, I have over a month's supply, by which point, I *will* be eating a wider variety and ready for a new lunch challenge!

Anyone else want in on this weekly food goal challenge?

Now onto actual food/culinary goodness since I have pretty pictures to share :)

Breakfast today featured this cereal:

For anyone in the UK, this is great. It's little bran flakes with dried blueberries and strawberries. I'd written to the company recently and they sent me 6 boxes of me beloved cereal- THANK YOU Alex at Alara! I mixed it with chopped/microwaved apple and fage- the picture does not do the size of this justice. The apple was humongous and it was a pretty hefty cereal serving (we don't have serving sizes on most UK nutritional labels so I have free reign with no mind-twisting government guidelines to abide by!):

Snack was inspired by Lee's post about non-bar snacks- this was one of my suggestions and since I have always loved rice pudding, caught my eye in the store. I wouldn't class it as a "major" fear, but the only kinds I've had over the last few years have been low-fat/diet varieties. Still taste great (some of them do anyway!), but this looked like a good alternative to my usual snacks...

Wow. Move over diet food desserts, there's a new kid in town... This was, hands down, the best rice pudding I have ever eaten. Calorie-wise, was equivalent to most of the bars/other snacks I eat, so wasn't hugely anxiety-provoking, but I am SO glad I tried this. Sweet, creamy, vanilla-y...mmmm....what's not to like? Can't wait to check out more of this company's products!

Close-up of creamy goodness:

And just for kicks, am posting my dinner. I don't usually post my lunches and dinners because they tend to be pretty repetitive. I am, as I think I've mentioned, a terrible cook. But I can cook pasta sauce so you can bet your bottom dollar that if I *do* branch out from the norm and cook something from scratch, you guys are going to see it!

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with steamed runner beans- yes, a repeat of last week's dinner, but like I said, it's all I can cook :P

Sneaky, Sneaky...

I have a kind of confession to make. Actually, it's not even a confession as I didn't really realise until today what was going on. Basically, as most of you know, I made an agreement with my therapist on Tuesday to be more intuitive when it comes to choosing my afternoon snack and listen more to what I WANT to eat, rather than just what feels safe/fits into my "plan". I thought I was doing pretty well- and I HAVE been, but here's the thing: since I was IP a few years ago, I have been keeping a food log. It started innocently enough- I genuinely wanted to leave treatment knowing what to eat/what fears I had conquered and use to keep me on track. That kind of fell by the way-side, but the food log has remained. Anyway, I generally write down my day's food just before I eat my snack (can we say, rigid routine? *bangs head* ) and so have an idea of my day's intake and then pick according to what "fits" in calorie-wise to the rest of the day's meals. It IS progress on one hand- I have NOT been planning obsessively, and am basing my choice at least PARTLY on what I want (as well as what meets ED requirements) but I really need to kick things up a notch this week.

Anybody got ideas? I was thinking maybe do my food log at the END of each day. I don't know if I am quite ready to stop that altogether right now, but delaying it might solve this particular problem?

Anyway, onto food...

Any guesses what this is?..


Yup- my breakfast non-cookie again. It's really unlike me to go so many days in a row without regular oatmeal, but am trying to use things up before I move (tomorrow!) I swear it tastes better than it looks!


Snack- all these realisations with the food log, etc came when I was writing it, and it took me a moment to just say, "shut up- let ME choose what I WANT" and what did I want? OATMEAL. I've missed you baby! I usually eat plain oats and add my own mix-ins, but keep the flavoured ones around for snacks. Found a chocolate chip pack when I was packing and decided that topping it with Fage was what I really wanted!


And I have to show you a photo of my dinner since tomato sauce is quite literally the only thing I can cook! Served with spinach and ricotta tortellini. A recent discovery and I LOVE it. So quick and easy, not to mention delicious!


And a few of another placemate I made in treatment a few years ago...