The Day After The Night Before

1 bus fare = £2.00
1 burger = £6.00
1 night with good company and great conversation = priceless

Thank you for the support yesterday- I had SUCH a good time last night! Alice was so sweet and it was great to meet another blogger. We talked about all kinds of stuff- including Windows Live Writer and the "blogspot V wordpress" debate, as well as lots of pictures. I am pretty sure that the people around us though we were complete dorks very interesting people. Haha!

We met as planned at the restaurant and sat down- once Alice told me that she was disappointed they didn't offer her favourite item, we wandered off to Wannaburger. It was so much fun- it was like a New York diner and we sat in a booth drinking soda, chatting and waiting for our food.

I started with a PICKLE! I've never seen these on a menu in the UK and *had* to order one.

(anyone want to throw in a "that's what she said" worthy comment here?)

Next up: BURGER!


Grilled chicken, tomato relish, salad and pineapple on a bun. I LOVE grilled chicken- not because it's "safe", just because it's delicious when cooked properly and this place grilled it to perfection. So good. Messy, but fabulous (and pretty too, right?!)

I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about, but the complete opposite happened- I to have a tendency to babble occasionally (no s***, Sherlock!) so I hope I didn't intimidate Alice with my ramblings...hehe.

When the check came, I got my chocolate fix after all.

Peanut M & M's which we shared before heading off into the rain and walking home. We actually live really near each other so hopefully will meet again soon!

I woke up this morning in SUCH a good mood. Glorious sunshine streaming through my windows (at 5am- it gets light SO early here and stays light until after 11pm! Love it!)

Breakfast was heavenly...

Oats cooked in water, swirled with frozen blueberries, fromage frais and topped with a chunk of crumbled coconut bar.

I went to the only store in Edinburgh that stocks pumpkin and the guy there asked me why I come so often JUST for pumpkin. I mentioned some of the things I make and he has asked me to write them down to be included in their new cookbook! How cool?! The book is in the process of being compiled and all the recipes are based around canned/jarred products they sell.

Lunch included this amazing wrap.

Red pepper hummus, paprika, alfalfa + radish sprouts, tomato, mushrooms and spinach. Mmmmmm...

Random story- when I was in the store yesterday buying some things (hummus, mushrooms, spinach, soy milk) a guy came up to me and started asking if I actually ate this kind of stuff. I said "yes" and he started rifling through my basket! Then he started asking me if I voted (um, no... I can't vote in this country) before calling me a "damn hippy" and wandering off. Some strange people out there!

Well, I do believe that this is the closest I have ever come to doing a 'proper' food post (ie, without too much of my inane ramblings!)

Question: when was the last time you ate at a restaurant and what did you get?

Have a great weekend!

Stepping Outside Of The 'Recovery Bubble'

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts on yesterday's post. I love hearing everyone's different opinions so don't apologise for lengthy comments- the more you guys say, the more I think and learn so keep your ideas coming!

Just to clarify after a couple of comments/emails, my post wasn't necessarily about the job/issue of being 'green' itself, but more an example of a tendency *I* have to 'go for gold' at any cost, often losing myself along the way. One one hand, you've got to do what you've got to do in order to pay rent, etc, and that often does mean compromising on principles/values especially when you are new at a company and haven't worked your way up to a level where you have the safety and security of putting your foot down.

I've been trying to keep my posts broader than just eating disorders and this is likely to be rambly/boring, so feel free to scroll down to the food discussion while I attempt to organise my thoughts!

I was thinking about yesterday's post and the whole difficulty in finding a balance between 'staying true to yourself' versus what is actually practical in the real world. I've spent a lot of time in intensive treatment, having it ingrained into my brain the important aspects of recovery: to honour your feelings, to eat intuitively, to be true to your inner self, etc. I agree with ALL of this. In theory. But the real world isn't based around that- sitting with feelings and accepting them is all great but at some point, there comes a time when I need to act "as if" in order to get through the day. I don't have therapists around me 24/7 to support me- I have a job to go to, bills to pay. Living outside of hospital demands a level of functioning that I don't think treatment ever really taught me. Granted, it's not something you can learn in a group therapy session- you learn by DOING which is what I am doing now, I guess?

Other aspects of recovery come into this category too of "stuff people tell me is 'normal' but isn't easy to apply in the real world". Intuitive eating is something that I am striving for, but again- NOT always practical. When I am working, I need to eat when I am given a lunch break because the other option is to just...not eat. This kind of goes against the whole concept of intuitive eating, but is very much in-line with how 'life' operates. I might have packed a turkey sandwich, but if my body is asking for a veggie burger? Eh. Nothing I can do about that.

Kind of reminds me of high school. I was in the top French class when I was 12 and did well in the classroom. When I actually went to France, it was a whole different story. Being able to ask for directions to 'La Discothèque' got me good marks on my pop quiz, but wasn't really what I needed in order to survive several weeks in France! Nothing wrong with discos (!), but learning how to ask for a first-aid kit or directions to a bank might have been more useful.

I guess my issue right now is finding a balance between the tools/skills needed for recovery, versus what is actually realistic for how the world operates. I think it comes down to having the ability and strength to be able to hold onto the basics of staying healthy, whilst also allowing for flexibility and acceptance of change- seeing it as an opportunity to grow, rather than a huge obstacle that blocks your every movement.

sometimes being in control means just accepting a lack of control over situations

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More interesting stuff, yes?

All day yesterday, I was craving peas. I don't even LIKE peas very much- they remind me of school lunches, served luke warm having been boiled to the point where they were nothing but a gloopy green mush on my plate. I didn't make gloopy mush.

Broccoli and pea crustless quiche, vegetarian baked beans (British baked beans are completely different from American ones) with roasted mushrooms, onions and steamed spinach.

What is the difference between a crustless quiche and a frittata? I thought the whole point of a 'quiche' was the crust itself?

I decided not to order muesli online because I had an insomnia induced online shopping spree and now have mounds of wraps and bars taking over my kitchen I wanted to try something a little different.

This is a regular muesli mix (oats, dried fruit) but with bran twigs in it and a higher percentage of fruit.

Muesli is ugly, no doubt about it. It was delicious though! It's hard to tell from the picture, but there was a LOT of dried apricots in this which I loved and it was much sweeter than my other muesli (which has dried berries and more of a 'tang'). This one was cheaper AND better tasting. Plus much easier for me to get.

Heehee...

Peanut butter fix came later on.

PB pretzel MOJO bar = *love* I think this is now one of my favourite bars- probably a good thing since I now have a whole case. I wonder if I can make sculptures out of them to at least make the pictures a little more interesting?

In other news: I am having dinner with another Edinburgh blogger on Thursday (YAY!) What would you get from this menu?

You Say, "JUMP", I Ask, "How High?"

Thank you for your advice on yesterday's post- I did go to high school in this city so do know a few people that I keep in touch with on Facebook. I sent out a few messages last night to see if anyone would be up for coffee- it's really weird when I still think of these people as 12 years old (when I left school) and seeing their photos of the weddings and babies!

I was flicking through my daily planner from last summer after reading Olga's post about her new job. This time last year, I was working as a temp in New York in between interviewing for permanent jobs. Between interviews, I did various things- mostly reception work but the jobs varied a LOT between one company and another, and I never really knew exactly what lay in store for me when the agency gave me the company name/address/time to show up. Some of the jobs were pretty cool, some were fun, some were boring beyond belief, but none lasted more than a couple of weeks max so it wasn't a big deal if I hated it.

Exactly a year ago today, I was in the middle of a 3 day assignment at a fairly well known company. They had called in for a temp because the director had decided that the 14 years worth of files on their computer system should be printed off onto hard copies and filed in their library. It was not my position to question my role, but something about this didn't seem quite right. 14 years worth of information from a large worldwide organisation is a LOT of sheets of paper. I didn't mind the mundane aspect of "ctrl + p" (x 10000000000), but I didn't understand the logic behind it.

I am definitely not the most environmentally conscious of people. I recycle when I can, I use energy saving light bulbs and I reuse plastic bags- that's pretty much as far as I go on a day-to-day basis. But now and again I come up against something that just doesn't seem 'right' to me in an environmental sense.

Despite how uncomfortable it made me feel, I couldn't turn this job down. I needed the money, and I needed to maintain a good relationship with the temp agency. If I was in the same position now, I would do it again. I KNOW I talk a lot about staying true to *you* and keeping things in line with your own beliefs and morals, it's not always possible to transfer that to the 'real world'. Bills need paid, there are responsibilities, rules and regulations. I am not afraid of hard work or responsibilties- I like the challenges that being an adult brings (for the most part!) but when it comes to compromising who I am or what I believe in... I hate it. I want to be able to stand up for what I believe is right and risk being wrong. I want to speak out if I think something is cruel or unjust, I want tohave the confidence to say what I think and do what *I* think is the right thing to do...but the reality is, it's not always possible to DO that in real life. The temp assignment wasn't a HUGE deal- 3 day assignment, 3 days worth of wages. I did it and moved on to the next job. But it did make me think.

What are your thoughts on staying true to yourself versus compromising for the 'real world'?

As much as I want to say "NO", I don't think it's that straightforward. A lot of the jobs I was applying for were at advertising agencies, and when I was in studying advertising, we had some great discussions going about ethics/morals and how they might come into play (ie, if you were asked to be involved in a sexist/anti-something campaign). As passionate as I am about certain subjects, I don't know if there is ANYTHING I would put my dream job on the line for (especially in this economy) and I don't know if that's common sense of sheer stupidity.

Anyway. Enough rambling for a Monday!

Munchables...

Last night's dinner was provided by Amy's Kitchen. I still stand by my theory that they purposely make their meals as un-photogenic as possible so that nobody can pass them off as their own cooking!

Vegetable lasagne with roasted mushrooms and onions (LOVE) on a bed of spinach. Ugly, but oh-so good! I am so excited about the new range of Amy's meals due to hit the shelves here in July!

For breakfast this morning, I wanted to try a twist on "PBJ oats"...

In the mix: cooked oats, Fage cherry twin pot, blueberries and almond butter.

I don't know why I thought this would taste like "PBJ" considering that it contained neither peanut butter OR jelly (!) but it was still good.

Yesterday's bland lunch called for the return of my 'burrito bowl'- MORE than making up for my lack of condiments yesterday!

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and SALSA with spinach and sprouts (and yes, there was some ketchup underneath too...Ketchup Anonymous, anyone?)

Have a great Monday and go check out Jenny's amaaaaaazing giveaway! (or not...I kind of want to win this one :P )

Let's Talk 'Fundamentals'

Today's Estimated Scale Of Awesomeness: 7/10
Today's Actual Scale Of Awesomeness: 2/10

Eh, c'est la vie. I have high hopes for tomorrow- an estimated scale of awesomeness coming in around 8.5.

Okay, scrap the title of this post. I mean FUNDAMENTALS. Better? I think so.

So onto the FUN stuff, cause sometimes I just need to kick back and have a good time. So more of THAT, yes?

I got a GREAT package in the mail today from Aisha over at Bambi's Fat Loss which cheered me up immensely!

• almond butter (YAY!)
• 2 packs of muesli (banana chocolate and tropical fruit)
• lots of awesome looking bars
• ferreror rocher
• green tea
• lip balm
• hand sanitiser

I am SO excited to try all of these things- especially the almond butter and muesli! Thanks so much Aisha! And thank you to Megan for organising the secret exchange!

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MUNCHABLES! (It's been too many days since that word was used).

Last night's dinner was no pot-luck- this was frozen in the packet. I like to at least pretend I am organised sometimes...hehe.

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with tomato basil sauce, and steamed spinach. This is one of my favourite meals, but every single time, half-way through eating I suddenly get very bored. So weird! This doesn't happen with anything else I eat- ketchup and Parmesan came to the rescue.

This morning kicked off at the lovely hour of 4am. Seriously. I blame the fact that we are having a heat wave (a 'Scottish' heat wave which really isn't a 'heat wave' at all), and the fact that I only have fleecy pyjamas and a special duvet that is actually equivalent to 3 duvets in one (talking 'togs' whatever the heck they are).

My breakfast however, was a bowl of sunshine.

Bran flakes, mashed banana and cheesecake Fage cherry twin pot. Love it.

I promised a 'certain someone' (you know who you are!) that I would do a review of one of the few protein bars readily available in the UK.

Also comes in chocolate flavour, but the white chocolate coating and hint of coconut is amazing. (UK guys: £1.50 at Holland and Barrett). Around 200 cals and 15g protein (?), but check this out:

91% of the RDA of calcium! JACKPOT. I have no idea how 'safe' it actually is to consume high levels of vitamins/minerals in one go considering I also take multivitamins/supplements, but am guessing that now and again is fine- and I couldn't afford to eat these more than 'now and again'. They are good though and WAY better than any other 'power bar' products I have tried.

Lunch was the last batch of my tuna/bean/salsa mix and last of my sprouts. I wasn't going to post yet another picture of it since I have this all the time, but I think it's kind of pretty. Plus it includes extra of last week's BSI ingredient and this corn wanted a chance to shine!

Final note: in reference to yesterday's oh-so-creative post title (heh), I will never talk about financial matters on this blog. Unless I have no money to buy yogurt, in which case I might start using said blog to auction off bodily organs.

Investments and Savings

I know, SUCH an eye-catching title for a Monday :P

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with somebody about 'opening a bank account'. Not a regular bank account: a HAPPINESS bank account. The theory was/is that for every positive experience you have, you savour it while it lasts and then stash away the memory in this bank account. Over time, the 'capital' builds and then when the chips are down in life, you can head to the 'bank', pull out some of those happy times and relive the memories of when things get brighter.

I used to think that my 'bad' days were unique to me- it's only been pretty recently that I've realised that EVERYONE has crappy days. Everyone has days where everything seems to go wrong, or something bad happens or just a general "blah" feeling for no tangible reason. I'd love to be one of those people who are happy all the time and take everything in their stride- but I'm not. I over analyse things, I worry too much about stuff outwith my control and I take things very personally. I think this 'bank account' concept is such a great idea because on the inevitable crappy days, it's hard to remember that it's JUST a 'bad' day and it happens to most people. Some more frequently than others, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and occasional rainfalls are just part and parcel of being human.

So now my question: what good stuff has happened to you lately that you would want to put in your happiness account?

Heh, sometimes I feel like I think/talk too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep things lighter and write about...shoes? Interior design? Spaghetti?

Yes, food talk is good. So lets get to that...

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Last night's dinner turned into a 'pot luck'-type event. I pulled a container out of the freezer yesterday morning- I could identify red stuff (tomato sauce), white chunks which I thought were beans and green stuff which I thought was mould herbs. Bean stew?

PASTA! I was secretly very happy to discover this lay inside the icy box... This was made a while ago (containing a tomato herb sauce with melted laughing cow cheese, chopped up quorn filllet, broccoli and pasta) and I completely forgot I had some left. I should start labelling my tupperware (or just having fun with the surprises that come out of my freezer!) Where my beans have gone too, I have no idea...

Breakfast this morning was a K-inspired parfait...

Chopped apple, Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. This glass is this biggest one I own, but I think I need a proper parfait glass. I ended up throwing this into a bowl so I could mix it up properly...this picture is much prettier though so I won't show you the bowl-shot!

Money-shot of a snack...

Caramel peanut nougat Atkins bar. I am *not* an Atkins 'fan' by any means, but I like anything with chocolate and caramel high-protein snacks. The ingredient list kind of made me feel like I was in a chemistry lab, but hey...it tasted good.

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

The Waiting Game

Thank you so much for your feedback on my thoughts about perfectionism. I am aware that it's gotten to a point where I NEED to find a way to ease up a bit- I am at a stage where I am reluctant to even attempt to do anything because the fear of not being 'good enough' is so horrifying.

Having said that, I finished the article last night and emailed it in. Waiting nervously for some kind of response and trying to be patient since yesterday was a bank holiday and there is a 7-8 hour time difference.

Onto today...

Oy vey. This lack of sleep is catching up on me. I can barely move today! I think it's the 'crash' I tend to get after running on adrenaline for a few days- when I was 18 and sitting some exams, I worked really hard in the lead up to them, then slept for a solid 4 days after! Having sent the email and no longer have it in my hands to edit/redo, there is a sense of relief and I just want to sleep all day.

So it's done and all I can do is wait nervously patiently...

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Last night I heated up leftovers from the freezer- I need to clean it out and it's currently crammed full!

Quorn in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage + spring onion mashed potato, roasted mushrooms and steamed broccoli.

I don't know what possessed me to make this- I have decided that I really don't LIKE potatoes! They went well with the quorn and sauce though so it's all good. I used chicken last time I had this, but prefer the texture (and price) of quorn...oh, economy- sort it out!

My laziness is definitely reflected in today's meals!

Breakfast this morning was a standard...


Bran flakes, microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot. I'm not kidding when I say this tastes like cheesecake!

I bummed around for most of the morning- went out for some 'mystery shopping' (hehe...). Snack...


I now only have one pumpkin spice Clif to use up- I LOVE Clif bars but am seriously burned out on this flavour. I have a pretty big stash of maple nut waiting... I have been looking at the protein bars available here recently and there is such a small selection here! Pureprotein bars (my favourite) used to be readily available in limited flavours (and only the really big ones) but they have vanished. I would have thought there is a market here for protein bars...apparently not?

Lunch was a burrito bowl repeat due to 1) feeling lazy, 2) feeling very uncreative and 3) wanting an excuse to eat lots of salsa.

That's all I've got for today...off to catch up on some blogs, sleep, facebook, check my emails a zillion times, sleep, eat dinner...did I mention sleep? Also playing around with the great 'bar builder' Heather is doing a giveaway from- check it OUT!

Learning From The Start

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on intuitive eating- seems to be something a lot of us struggle with. I wonder how many people truly eat intuitively? I think kids set a great example of knowing when they are hungry/full, and making it clear what they like and don't like.
What was your experience with food when you were growing up?

I was brought up eating a pretty healthy and varied diet- all the kids at school would bring chips/cookies for break time, and I would have tubs of dried fruit and mushrooms! We all sat down to meals at home together and were expected to finish what we were given without any arguments complaints about what was served. This was good because it meant I tried a lot of things most kids probably don't eat regularly (snails!), but on the other hand, I think it makes it harder now because eating intuitively/according to what my body asks for has never been encouraged.

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Last night I cooked!


Quorn fillets chopped up in tomato sauce with laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta. My obsession with quorn is growing... There are so many things you can do with this stuff! I love that it's high in protein, but soy free, and so much cheaper than meat/fish. It has more flavour itself than tofu, but also takes on the taste of whatever it is cooked with.

This morning's breakfast was...a challenge.


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with skimmed milk and sliced banana.

Looks ugly innocent enough, and was certainly 'safe'- the challenge refers to yesterday's post about my fear of being hungry. I usually make sure to get a decent amount of protein and fiber, along with a little fat at breakfast- just what seems to work best for me. This meal was much more "carb" based and I was really scared of a repeat of yesterday morning's horrible empty feeling (I have no issues with consuming carbohydrates, I just prefer my meals to be more balanced). The verdict? I need to trust my body more! I really liked this breakfast and was just as comfortable afterwards as my other breakfasts: moral of the story? Some days different nutrients are required for different purposes. Today this worked.

Lunch was a protein packed FIESTA!


I have decided to call this a 'burrito bowl'. For no other reason than that it contains salsa. It isn't in a bowl, and although I've never been, doubt very much that it's anything LIKE what Chipotle serve...good nonetheless. In the mix: tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- what have you got planned for Memorial Day?

Solid Ground

I woke up this morning at 5am like I do every other morning.
I turned on my laptop like I do every other morning.
I weighed myself like I do every other morning.

My weight had increased slightly from yesterday- I stood and looked at the number waiting for the usual feelings of anxiety and despair to flood over me. I watched the number flicker as the scales switched off. I waited. I breathed. I didn't care. It was a number. Nothing more, nothing less. I walked through to the kitchen, put on the kettle and lit a cigarette. I didn't think again about the scale or my weight- I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast. I did laundry and went for a walk- I spent a while in little gift shops looking for birthday cards. I came home and opened my mail- a letter that would usually trigger all kinds of anxiety was opened, read and placed on my coffee table to deal with later.

I made lunch.
I had a cup of tea.

I'm sitting here now and this all feels...bizarre. Foreign. Where did barrage of negative thoughts go? Where is the anxiety that usually fuels my exercise and daily rituals? Where did this feeling of calmness come from? I feel like I am standing on solid ground. Not in a manic frenzy of feeling like I can take on the world, but a sense of internal strength that I can handle this moment. I'm not thinking about this evening or tomorrow or next week. Each moment that comes my way can be dealt with. Maybe all this talk of acceptance has sunk in and I am finally embracing what 'is' rather than focusing on what was or what will be...

Breathing. Staying calm. Staying focused. Taking it as it comes.

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Breakfast this morning was the return of an old favourite.


Cooked apple, bran berry muesli and fage.

Another new snack- these have been in my bar stash for almost a year and I had no interest in trying them. I tried the cookies 'n' cream flavour at the same time as buying these and they were disgusting...


...but these were really good. They definitely had that strange protein bar taste/texture (I love it, but just a heads-up if chalkiness isn't your 'thing'!)


Returning to Katies challenge, I picked up a yellow courgette/zuchinni to try.

Mini quorn sausage rolls (LOVE THESE!) with baked zuchinni 'fries' and steamed spinach + broccoli. The verdict? The zuchinni was awesome. It had a slightly sweeter taste than the green variety and I really liked it. I have only seen the yellow ones in one store, and they are far more expensive so I probably won't be eating them frequently, but it was a nice change and fun to try something a little different (and who doesn't love a splash of yellow on their plate? Sunshine food!)

Hope everybody is having a happy hump-day!

A New Week

Thank you for your feedback yesterday- I don't know why I thought I was the only one who had a difficult relationship with their parents. I have always imagined families to be loving and caring environments like they are on TV- I *know* life isn't like that, but I still cling rather childishly to the idea that my family should be picture-perfect and then get upset when I realise it's far from it. I guess all families have their ups and downs...human nature, and all that!

Onto today...

I used to set goals pretty frequently and haven't done that for a while- Sunday seems as good a day as any to set some aims for the coming week...

• do 1 social thing: I bumped into a friend today whom I haven't seen since I was 15. We chatted for 10 mins and exchanged numbers- this week's goal is to call her and arrange to meet.
• try 2 new meals: I have been doing better in expanding my food choices lately, but want to kick it up a notch and try something completely different. I've bought the food so there's no backing out now!
• don't buy anymore food: I NEED to stop buying groceries... I seem to go every day to a store and rarely leave empty handed. The result is an over-stuffed freezer and feeling anxious that there is so much food around to be used up (plus it's getting unnecessarily expensive!) I have everything I need for the week so there is NO reason to buy more right now.
• start reading for 20 minutes a day: I was doing this, but seem to have stopped over the last couple of weeks. I miss it!
• go to bed by 10pm every night: I am still having a lot of trouble falling and staying asleep- I seem to wake up around 5 regardless of what time I DO go to bed so I want to make sure I give myself enough time to get a decent night's rest.

"Be not afraid of moving forward- only of standing still"

Anyone want to join me on setting some goals for the week?

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Breakfast was bran flakes mixed with microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot.



Mmmm...cheesecake!

This is kind of random, but I have noticed that the days I have peanut butter for breakfast, I crave SALT all day long- to the point where I can literally taste it on my lips. Does anyone else find this with peanut butter? It seems kind of strange!

As part of Katie's challenge to try new foods, I picked up some large flat mushrooms. I LOVE mushrooms but have never had the bigger ones before.


I made a filling with diced mushroom, garlic, Italian herbs and laughing cow cheese- spread the mushroom with tomato chutney, added the filling, sprinkled with parmesan and baked for 30 mins. It was really good! I very rarely cook and it's even more rare that I 1) last minute impulsively buy something to incorporate into a meal that I had planned, and 2) that I make up a recipe as I go along without spending hours calculating the nutritional content. Yeah, kind of proud of myself for this one (even if it isn't the prettiest of meals!)

This was just an 'extra'/side dish/appetiser for the main event:


Chicken in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage and spring onion mashed potato, with steamed vegetables. Ready made meal that I bought last weekend- was pretty good for prepackaged food. With 30g protein, I had been won over before I tasted it :P

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!

Pull Out An Umbrella? Or, Dance In The Rain?

My mood crashed last night as it does most evenings. I usually wake up feeling more refreshed and energized, but I woke up feeling like there was a cloud hanging over my head. I wanted to force it away, to 'pull myself together' and get on with what I had planned for the day but I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that seems to have taken over my brain during the night. Nothing is really 'wrong'- I just feel down. It's hard when there is no trigger for an emotion- you can' rationalise it or think it through. It's just THERE, permeating every breath, every muscle, every thought, every moment.

My normal way to handle this would be to exercise- walk until I was too tired to think or feel anymore. Bury my head in notepads making meal plans and force my brain to focus on micro nutrients rather than face up to how bad I felt.

I didn't do either today. I went for a walk, taking my cloud with me. We explored a new area of town and bought a jar of peanut butter (finally found PB and Co again!). We went to TK Max to look for a spring jacket. We had a long shower and cleaned the apartment. Me and the cloud. It's still there. I still feel sad. But I'm just accepting that for now, this cloud is present. I don't have to run away from it or block it out- I can just see it for what it is, and wait for it to move on.

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Some food?

I couldn't resist buying these when I saw them the other day in the store.


Sausage rolls (do you guys call them something else?) always remind me of picnics and birthday parties when I was really little. I didn't know if I'd still like them, but they were delicious and a nice trip down memory lane.


With roasted asparagus and steamed green beans. Still no luck hunting down Amy's meals, but Quorn products are quickly becoming a staple in my diet.

Breakfast was cheesecake mashed/melted banana mixed with bran flakes and Fage cherry twin pot, mixed together and soaked overnight. I KNOW it looks gross, but trust me- it's AMAZING!


Snack:


Served warm... I like the cinnamon roll flavour much better, but there is something awesome about the texture of these bars. It's kind of like a half-baked cookie and so fun to eat!

Happy Hump Day everyone! (Nobody in the UK says 'hump day' and my mom always thinks I am being rude, haha...)

Elements Of Choice

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the element of choice when it comes to eating disorders. It seems we are all in agreement that nobody CHOOSES to develop an eating disorder- things happen, consequences occur. Whatever the reasons behind developing an eating disorder (or ANY kind of illness), bottom line is that nobody opted to get into this situation. I have often wondered, "why me?" but that doesn't get me far- stuff happened and I dealt with it as best as I could. I didn't make a conscious decision to develop anorexia, the same way people don't choose to get sick for other reasons, but I think eating disorders are different in that you can choose recovery. Not easily- wanting it doesn't make it suddenly any easier. I feel like I am having to choose recovery over anorexia several times a day- I hope it gets easier until there is no internal battle going on and healthy choices come more naturally, but right now it's a constant "anorexia V recovery" battle going on in my head.

Something that is helping me right now is seeing the difference between "can't" and "won't". For YEARS I have avoided doing things because I felt I "couldn't"- there was no question about it. It just wasn't something I could manage doing. Changing the wording to "won't" feels empowering because all of a sudden, I am back in the driving seat- I am CHOOSING not to, which immediately gives me the option of choosing TO do whatever it is. "I can't eat suchandsuch a food/can't do X without doing Y"- switching it to, "I WON'T do xxx" then forces me to question what's stopping me, and making me question/challenge what it is I am choosing to do/not to do.

Thoughts on this?..

Onto food...

I CHOSE to cook last night :)


Butter beans in tomato sauce with mashed potato and steamed spinach. This was a recipe given to me years ago in treatment for when I went on a home visit for the weekend- I 've made it a lot over the years and it seems to be something I gravitate towards when I've been struggling but feel ready to take on the challenge of making a "proper" home-cooked meal. I LOVE beans in any way/shape/form- anyone got some easy bean recipes they would recommend?

Except with breakfast, because I love my breakfast foods :)

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, on top of frozen blueberries and white chocolate wonder peanut butter. Left to defrost/soak overnight and mixed together this morning. I'll spare you the picture of the 'mess' that greeted me this morning, but rest assured it tasted great!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

When Will This End?

"How many deaths will it take till we know

that too many people have died?.."

Not long after posting yesterday's post, I logged in to an eating disorders message board that I frequent to learn that another girl had passed away. It's been a year of what feels like a lot of losses. Five of my friends have died this year- I know, statistically speaking, that with the sheer volume of people I know who are battling this disease, as time goes on...the number of people who lose their fight is going to rise. It's a sobering thought that I am 26 years old and I am losing so many of my friends.

I am still struggling to come to terms with each and every loss that I have encountered. I am just so incredibly sad. That these amazing people who had so much to offer, so much potential, so much LIFE in them could no longer see a future for themselves. What hits me the hardest about all of this is that I can understand why they made the choices they did, having been in that situation of a despair words can't articulate, but from an outsiders point of view, still struggle to grasp WHY they couldn't see what others see in themselves.

I guess the real tragedy of suicide is that everyone is able to see alternatives aside from the person suffering.

It's making me more determined to fight. More determined to carve a life for myself- however painful or pointless it might seem at times. I don't see suicide as a selfish act at ALL- in my blackest periods, people have asked me if I had considered the impact on my friends and family if I were to go ahead with it. My answer was always an emphatic 'YES'- I had thought about it and honestly believed I was making the best decision for all those around me. I don't see it that way at all. Whether or not I think people like me/want to spend time with me/care about me, it's heartbreaking to hear of ANYONE is such an intolerable amount of pain that they could not face another day of it. It's human nature to care, to be concerned, to want to help any way they can. I feel a lot of the time like I am just a burden to people- that I am a disappointment, a failure, the "black sheep" of the family. A lot of my relatives don't want to hear from me anymore because of what I've put them all through with my illness- but that doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't mean they wouldn't be upset if something happened to me. I think it's more along the lines of what I am now doing with a lot of my friends- stepping back, because caring so deeply about someone who is in so much pain and not able to do a damn thing...it's just too much. It's too much for them and it's too much for me.

I feel selfish for even thinking this, let alone writing it. But I don't have the strength to watch more and more of my friends lose the wars they are waging. The battles just to be at peace with themselves. If I thought I could do more, I WOULD- I am not in a place right now where it's triggering me in any way, I just feel sad. Helpless. frustrated. I want to reach out to everyone and hold their hand and tell them that it's GOING TO BE OKAY. To just hold on...and hold on...and keep holding on because one day things might feel less threatening/hopeless. I don't know if things will change but I would say it anyway because I feel so passionately that there is always some possibility that life will get better, more manageable, more bearable, more pleasant.
I don't know what else to say. I didn't mean for this post to go on for so long... It's hard for me to sum everything up in a short and sweet message when I feel so strongly about something.

For anyone out there reading this who is struggling with thoughts about hurting themselves- PLEASE, reach out for help. Call a friend, a relative, a helpline. Go to the nearest ER and talk to someone. Pray. Read. Distract yourself, draw a picture, write a poem...do something, ANYTHING except give into the darkness engulfing you.

"Don't give up five minutes before the miracle..."

*******

Onto some lighter things...

Dinner last night featured a typical British dish:

From Wikipedia: Toad in the hole is a traditional English dish comprising sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with vegetables and onion gravy.
The origin of the name "Toad-in-the-Hole" is vague. Most suggestions are that the dish's resemblance to a toad sticking its little head out of a hole provide the dish with its somewhat unusual name.An 1861 recipe by Charles Elme Francatelli does not mention sausages, instead including as an ingredient "6d. or 1s. worth of bits and pieces of any kind of meat, which are to be had cheapest at night when the day's sale is over."

I think Yorkshire Pudding is essentially the same as what they call Popovers in the US?..


Vegetarian "toad-in-the-hole" with vegetarian gravy and steamed vegetables. My mom is American and NEVER made this when I was growing up so there is no 'nostalgia' attached to this, but it's typically classed as "comfort food" here in the UK (presumably because it reminds people of childhood?)

What are some of the dishes your area is known for?

Breakfast this morning was one of my favourites (who am I kidding? I love all my breakfasts!):

Oats, plain fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and almonds soaked together overnight.


Nothing like a big purple mess to greet you at 6am!