Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Nin, Anaise

A Whole Extra Year!

First of all, thank you for the support and feedback on breaking rituals. I talked a bit about this in therapy today and we are going to start setting very concrete/specific goals to tackle this :)

Okay, now don't laugh at me for this...

For the last few weeks, I have been starting to feel really anxious about my age, getting "older", the connotations of being a "real" adult, etc. All that hoopla. Yesterday I had to give my date of birth for something, and I realised that I am actually a year younger than I had thought.

*cue laughter*

Age has NEVER been a big deal for me at all, and it's only recently that I've been having these panicky moments about suddenly being older. It's strangely liberating to feel like I have had an extra year added onto my life! Haha...

Question: Imagine you were given an "extra" year to do whatever you wanted in, with no repercussions (financial, physical, emotional, etc). Kind of like going to an alternate reality exactly like this one, for one year- 12 months from now, you come right back to *this moment* with no evidence whatsoever of what you did on your "extra" year...What would you do with the 365 days? What about that time would be different from how you will be spending the coming year? And of course, WHY?

My answer: I'd go travelling. I've always wanted to tour around America and would love to go to Australia. Money wouldn't be an issue because all my debts would be cleared! I'd definitely go to lots of restaurants and try foods I otherwise avoid*. I would definitely take a lot of dance classes- breakdancing, to be precise... I can't do that now due to my osteoporosis, but if I knew that regardless of what I did, a year from now things would be as they stand today, I'd definitely go for it, also paragliding! I'd love to spend some time living in a Buddhist community doing volunteer work. I am fascinated by Eastern philosophy and would love to learn hands-on more about it. I'd probably be a lot more honest and open with people if I knew that they wouldn't remember it- practice for the years that followed in developing assertiveness! In short, I think I'd throw myself headfirst into LIFE and really find out what *I* am all about, without any kind of anxiety/fear that I might have otherwise.

This has kind of made me realise the things I WANT to do, but don't. Money and practical issues are valid, but so many of the things I have always wanted to do, I haven't due to my eating disorder.

* I am going to write a list of these and start working through them and facing my fears head on. Anyone want to join me in this?