Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Nin, Anaise

Scrapping "Plan B"

Every time I start to make progress, I have these niggling thoughts in the back of my mind of restricting at some point in the future. It's really hard for me to grasp the idea of never starving myself again. It's always *there*- I can do my grocery shopping for a week and plan my meals out and it's all good, but I can't seem to get my head around the idea of carrying on for longer than a few days at a time.

I am going to be moving into my own place soon, and although I am 100% responsible for buying/preparing my meals at the moment, and usually eat by myself, my thoughts are drifting to what I will have the freedom to do once I am on my own.

There is a small part of me that doesn't want to let this go. The identity that I have, the support I get now, the body, the whole kit and caboodle. Of course, on many more levels I DESPISE my eating disorder and am desperate to be 100% free, but there is this grey in-between area where it would be so easy/is so tempting to slip backwards into the shadows of anorexia.

I had an appointment today about accommodation (the plan is to move into supported housing, where I'll have my own place but have someone come visit a few hours a week) and whilst I was on the bus there, I started making my "new" meal plan, shopping list, etc.

I can't seem to grasp the concept that I don't need to do this anymore.

I still buy a lot of diet products- I argue with myself in the store ("why are you buying that one just because it's X cals less than the one you really want? you don't NEED to be stressing over such a minimal amount"). I still weigh myself daily hoping that the number will be less than the day before. I feel like my brain is splitting in two- the part of me that is talking the talk and making big efforts to change the way I think and act, then the lingering habits and romanticised notions of losing more weight, packing in the idea of "recovery".

I don't know if it's because I am scared of what recovery would really mean, or if I don't believe it's possible for me or if it's simply (ha- not "simply") the nature of anorexia itself to dig it's claws in every opportunity it gets.

Does anyone else find themselves doing this?

I am a little apprehensive of posting this. I don't want this to be construed as me NOT wanting recovery- I guess I am just struggling to get to grips with giving up my eating disorder. For many reasons. I think I had kind of hoped that having made the decision to get well no matter WHAT it took, it would somehow be easier.

I have to admit that this train of thought was prompted by me weighing myself this morning and seeing a significant change from yesterday which completely freaked me out.

Moving right now is a REALLY good thing for me and would be a GREAT opportunity for me to start afresh with the progress I've made recently and the support I'll have, yet my mind immediately jumps to how I will have the freedom to let anorexia run riot with no intervention.

(Possibly partly the idea that I will be by myself for the most part, and it's easier to give into my thoughts/urges than admit how scared I am that I'm going to fall apart without any type of accountability).

Lesson Learned

It's been a few hours since I posted- feels longer, but yeah...about 3hours.

Thank you SO much for your comments. I was wary about posting- I'm trying to keep this post really focused on recovery and doing well which is helping ME to find the positives/hope amidst the muddle and thought that tonight's posting was... I don't know. Something I didn't want to really put into words.

BUT, 3 hours later and I am feeling better. Not great, but definitely more on top of things.

I sat for a while, read some blogs (love you guys!), googled some random quotes from my favourite TV show (any Scrubs fans out there?) and now, 3 hours later, am back to myself.

It's so strange thinking back now- had I acted on the feelings/urges I was so tempted to do, right now? I'd be feeling horrible. I'd feel physically unwell, upset that I gave in and just annoyed that I didn't push harder to fight the urges. In the moment, all I wanted was some "quick fix" to make things better right then and there.

I'm SO glad I waited. Literally one moment at a time, and it DID pass. It wasn't fun by any means, but the consequences of acting on impulse far outweigh the consequences of NOT acting.

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing you can do.

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their day!

Can't Fight The Feeling

I'm having one of those moments when everything feels wrong/too much/overwhelming. One of those times when I don't know whether to start throwing things and screaming, or curl up and hide. Nothing is "wrong", I'm just anxious, irritable, angry, confused. It's one of those times when literally every coping skill listed on those handouts feels pathetic and undermining. I feel like I am drowning beneath waves of hate and despair.

It's hard to hold on to what I *know* to be the "right" thing to do, when every ounce of my body and brain is telling me to do otherwise.

You know what? I'm not going to do anything.

Diddly-squat.

I'm not going to paint pretty pictures or light candles. I'm not going to have a bubbly bath or do some deep breathing exercises. Neither am I going to exercise/tear up my meal plan/engage in any eating disordered behaviour.

I'm going to stay here and sit. And wait. For however long it takes, for the storm to pass. I don't have the energy to FIGHT this feeling, but I can wait, one second at a time, for it to pass.

Because it will.

It doesn't feel like it's going to end- if anything, it feels like it's growing stronger and stronger by the second. But it CAN'T last forever. Why? Because nothing ever does.

I can sit. I can wait. I can hold on. And hold on, and hold on, and hold on. Tell myself, "it's going to be okay" over and over and over again until finally, it is.

Frustration, Fear, Freedom

I'm still in hospital, still unsure about what is happening, still swinging wildly between optimism and despair. Throwing myself into the mundane routine that life on a hospital ward provides and doing everything I can to avoid, avoid, avoid.

Avoid the emptiness. Avoid the pain. Avoid the anger, the hurt, the loneliness. Avoid the choices. Avoid the constant barrage of impulses, compulsions.

I want so much and yet so little. I'm seen as "weird" here (ha- being called "weird" by someone who spends more time talking to her coffee mug than she does to people is rather amusing). Weird because I don't WANT this life. I don't want to rely on other people for money, for help, to take care of me. I don't want to have a future that is filled with hospitals and pain and torment and rituals. I want so much more- well, not "more", just different. I want to feel useful. I want to feel cared for. I want to be content. I want to be earning enough money to get by, without wearing myself into the ground. I want stability. I want to sleep through the night, live through the day. I want to laugh, to have friends. I want to be back in New York. I want to go to bed each night feeling like I did something worthwhile that day, not praying that I don't wake up.

And yet it's so difficult. My rituals and compulsions are filling my time in hospital. The routine itself has changed slightly, but the underlying rigidity and obsession remains untouched. Just with the added stress of having to fit my craziness around the schedules of the most chaotic people I have come across. I want so much to be free from this. THAT was where the suicide attempt came in. I didn't see an alternative at that point. At this point. I still see no alternative that I haven't already tried.

I'm telling myself to hold on. Just hold on and hold on and hold on at some point, it may get easier. It's a fight. Every damn minute that passes is a struggle. It's a fight one part of me believes in, is determined to win. Then the other part that is tired of fighting without actually getting anywhere.

I WANT to move forward but I really don't know how. It's not as simple as just eating, or just gaining weight, or just taking a pill each morning/finding a new hobby/reciting affirmations. Anorexia consumes every minute of my life and there is no easy way THROUGH to a life without it. Easy way OUT, but that isn't going to take me to the place I want to be in 6/12/18 months time. I want so badly to be well. And yet I *need* this. It's like oxygen to me and I don't know if or how I could exist in this world without it.

I'm stuck.

Stuck between the happiness of moving forward and the heartache of letting go.

Holding On... Letting Go...

I'm wondering, at which point, holding on becomes more painful than letting go. My specific situation is irrelevant- this is applicable to so many things. Clinging to something, desperately wanting it to work out the way you envisioned it, unable to accept the reality that it's NOT working, and letting go (a "strategical retreat" as my dad calls it) is the only thing you have left to do.

So why is it so hard? I make it sound so easy, so simple. It's not working, cut your losses and try something different.

There has been so much time, energy and hope invested in this. There is so much meaning behind holding on/letting go. It's far from easy, far from simple. Oh-so-easy to say...so much harder to actually do.

I refuse to let go. On an intellectual level, I KNOW that this is never going to work. On an emotional level, I desperately need it to work. Or maybe I just believe that I need it to work? Maybe it was never right to begin with. Maybe I am walking down the wrong path altogether...or maybe a miracle will occur and suddenly everything will be.just.fine.

I don't know.

I'm facing lots of decisions right now. Well technically, that's not true. The decisions have been made. Some by myself (not by choice- I didn't/still don't see alternatives), and some have been dictated by others.

Where does this leave me? I feel lost. Heartbroken. Scared. Lonely.

I am so incredibly hurt by everything that's happened over the last few months in New York. I put on this facade that I am happy it didn't all end as badly as previous stays here, but really...this feels different. This isn't my doing. This isn't something I had control over. And that's what hurts the most. There has been so much rejection and pain and betrayal that I'm wondering if coming back was a mistake. I wasn't prepared for this. How could I be? I, perhaps naively, didn't see this coming.

I'm going home, once again, broken. Words fail me at times like this.

I'm hurting. I'm angry. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared of what lies ahead, and scared of what I've left behind. I'm scared of the can of worms that has been opened, and scared that things can never go back to how they were.

I just want someone, hell ANYONE, to tell me that it's going to be okay. Instead of the countless number of people that have said it's NOT okay. I am not okay. There's something wrong that they don't want to deal with. I need people right now. I need to hear that you know that I tried, that I pushed myself as hard as I could, and that maybe it wasn't the right thing at the right time.

Guys- I struggle with this more than I will ever tell you, more than you will ever know. I can completely understand that you don't know how to deal with it, or that it's not your problem. You're right. It's not. I'm sorry for all that I put you through, the things I ask of you, the things I need from you. I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be. I'm not who I want to be either. Trust me- whatever you think of me, or the negativity you throw my way...it's nothing I don't already do to myself. And I punch harder than you ever could.