The Life I Want To Remember

I re-read yesterday's post this morning (thank you for your comments- I love checking my mail in the morning and seeing your responses!) and it got me thinking about the kind of life I *want* to remember.

I'm doing okay at the moment in terms of managing my eating disorder, slowly making progress, but kind of feeling like that's my full-time occupation right now. An investment in the future for SURE, but I don't buy into the train of thought that you are always in recovery/just one step away from a full-blown relapse.

Perhaps I am being naive and overly-optimistic, but I want MY life to have purpose and meaning. NOT on the scale of winning Nobel prizes (lol) but I do want to feel like am making a difference somewhere. Go to bed each night knowing that I have helped changed things for the better- more than just the satisfaction that anorexia gave me ("only ate xxx today") and more than I am doing now ("I resisted the urge to do yyy today").

Just general musings on having a life worth living.

I don't know what shape or form this is going to take. I've drifted from one job to another, from one class to another, trying to figure out where I belong, what I want to DO with my life. I think as long as I feel so aimless, relapses are far more likely because I honestly don't know where else to feel like I am achieving something, working towards something.

This leaves me in a difficult position- having written off anorexia as *ever* giving my life any substantial meaning...all that seems left is a huge blank canvas and I'm not sure what to paint on it.

So my question for all you beautiful people out there today, is: what gives YOUR life purpose and meaning?

The Real Ellie

Most of this blog has been about my struggles with my eating disorder/recovery, but, inspired by fellow bloggers, I wanted to take some time to think about who *I am, outside of my illness.

So, who am I?..

I am a huge music fan- I grew up playing the harp, but don't play much anymore. I LOVE soundtracks to musicals and have about a hundred on my iPod! I also love Pete Seeger, Peter, Paul and Mary, Pink and Katy Melua.

I am obsessed with the TV show "Scrubs"- at the age of 3, I wanted to be a doctor and although no longer interested in studying medicine, I love medical related humor! I really enjoy most American sitcoms, and have recently discovered a hilarious general knowledge show called "QI".

I am really interested in diet and nutrition- eating disorder aside, I think my interest stems from earlier interest in medicine. I love trying new foods but am a self-confessed terrible cook...but hey, microwaves and sandwiches are good substitutes! Haha!

I have pierced ears and long hair- I never change my earrings and I never do anything with my hair except tie it back in the same messy bun every day! I don't wear a watch despite my obsession with punctuality so if you spend more than half an hour with me, I am guaranteed to ask you the time at least once (or twice...).

I love making people laugh and I love being made to laugh. People generally don't "get" my sense of humor initially which has lead to some awkward beginnings- which have then flourished into amazing friendships. I make jokes when I'm nervous/anxious/upset (don't try this in group therapy- doesn't go down well!). I laugh at really inappropriate times, taking things FAR too lightly...then the "light" stuff hits me hard.

I live in jeans and sweatshirts and collect school sweatshirts and t-shirts with funky slogans- I usually buy a few plain tank tops in summer and make my own. I have dressier clothes that I LOVE but rarely wear- what can I say? I can't walk in heels, and my Urban Outfitters skirts and dresses just look strange with sneakers!

I love making inspirational collages with random words, pictures and quotes I find in magazines. I also love collecting random items (magnets, jewellery, etc) with inspirational quotes on them.

I have been wanting to work in advertising and took a class at NYU in "advertising copywriting" which I loved. Kind of gave up on that after working as a receptionist at various agencies in New York and seeing the pressure involved! I'm not sure what the future holds study/work-wise, but I love learning and exploring options. One day I'll grow up and get a real job!

I think about moving a LOT. I love looking at Craigslist at different places and dreaming about what it would be like to live there... I've always wanted to visit Australia and California, but New York is my favorite place in the world, and where I class as "home".

I am more than anorexia. I am more than a patient. I am more than my emotions, my thoughts, my weight, my meals. I am ELLIE- hear me ROAR!

The Importance Of Belonging

I have decided, that no matter what, I need to make sure that I am *okay*. Not in a selfish "it's all about ME" way, but that despite the chaos and negativity going on around me at home/with my treatment, I am able to take care of myself. I am in the process of cutting off contact with certain people- they ones who mean well, but have too many of their own issues for me to be a part of their everyday lives.

Anorexia provides me with the security/predictability that my home life never has and it's only now that I am realising how important it is to have some kind of "family", whether they are blood-related or not. To be a part of a caring and nurturing environment is what I want (and need) if I am going to heal. Maybe I'll find it in friendship. Maybe religion. Maybe living in a small close-knit community. But *somewhere* there is a place where I will be unconditionally accepted.

It's okay to want this. It's okay to need this. It's okay to belong- to find my own niche in life where I am in the company of others walking the same path. I need to figure out who *I* am, beyond the identity that anorexia gives me, and then find a place to finally call "home".

Reality is a difficult concept to grasp

I have a rather nasty habit of setting goals, without giving much thought to what happens once I achieve them. This in itself isn't a problem. The problem is that I focus so much on obtaining what I want, that there is, without fail, a huge anti-climax once I get to the point I have been striving towards. An anti-climax for me means I fall apart*.

I think that the key to lifting my depression has been by setting goals. Without anything to aim for, I flail wildly, not sure what to do with myself. Then I pin all my hopes on that one thing that is going to give my life meaning. It works. For a while. Then I work my ass off to get there before realising that maybe, it wasn't quite what I wanted after all. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't as I'd planned. It didn't live up to my expectations. I spent so long fantasising about how wonderful everything would be, that it didn't occur to me that maybe my expectations verged on unrealistic.

For several years I lived and breathed for the chance to live in New York. I did *everything* to make it happen- then got there and my world came crashing down. My job was a nightmare, my apartment was hell, the city itself made me manic, and I returned home a quivering heartbroken wreck. Spent a month in bed, angry and frustrated with myself, the situation, before deciding that I had tried. I made it happen- I had a goal and I achieved it. I told myself that was a GOOD thing, and for the most part, I still believe that. I swore that I would return to New York, better prepared, and THIS time would be different. That happened too. I went back and it was different. I was different. My job was different. My apartment was different. The experience was different. Better? In some ways. Definitely not how I planned it, and that year in the big apple was disastrous on oh-so-many levels, and again, I returned, angry, frustrated and heartbroken.

I'm writing this now because I am planning on returning to New York in April. Third time lucky (or so I've been telling myself). Each time I've gone, I've learned SOMETHING. maybe this time it'll work out? And yet all day I've been planning for when it all falls apart and what self-destructive path I can then walk down. I've mentioned before that I live for external achievements. The qualification, the perfect weight, the right job, the best apartment...which goes against everything I stand for as a person. Those things don't matter to *me* and yet I have no other way to define myself. And the more I feed into the whole mindset, the more I set myself up to come crashing down again.

Reality is never going to match up to my fantasies, and that's a bitter pill to swallow. I want everything to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I just don't quite know how to define perfection.


* seems I spend a lot of my time "falling apart"... Superglue, anyone?

Who Am I?

For a really long time, whenever anybody asked me to tell them about myself, I immediately referenced dancing. It had been years since I'd touched my harp, years since I had done anything remotely interesting- nothing that could define me in a somewhat-positive light (yes, I have self-esteem issues!) Without dance, what is there? It's really hard to define yourself when you base your own self-worth on external activities/acheivements. Because nothing external is guaranteed.

So now, I find myself thinking about who I am inside. Take away dance, music, illness. Who am I? I have absolutely no idea.

I am passionate. I am determined. I stand up for what I think is right. I am creative. I like to be in control. I have unrealistically high expectations of myself. I spend a lot of time daydreaming- creating elaborate plans which I attempt to follow through, then realise I didn't really plan it all that well. I like to run away from things. Life scares me. Responsibility scares me. I think of my world as a juggling act, and all-too-often the balance gets tipped and things fall apart. I'm sensitive. Highly critical of myself, but (too?) accepting of others. I often jump to conclusions. I like to plan things in advance. I like adventures- adrenaline. I like short-term fixes. I am impatient. I love to make people laugh. I love to explore things, understand, learn. I get confused easily, frustrated easily and bored easily. I am scared of being tied down to any one thing/person. Anything which requires commitment is immediately on my "no-go" list (which is why I like the "one day at a time" idea... I can really only function if my goal is to get through that one day/hour/moment). My priorities change at the drop of a hat and have a habit of turning themselves on their heads.

I am more than an ex-dancer. I am more than an illness. I am more than the words I write/think. I am more than my emotions. I am a whole person- whether I believe that or not is irrelevant right now. At this very second, I can see that I am a human being who is starting to look beyond the surface and discover what lies inside.