Growing Up

As much as I want the FREEDOM I talked about in yesterday's post, there is obviously something holding me back. I don't know quite what it is that makes it so difficult to give up my eating disorder, as much as I want to, but there must be SOME kind of pay-off to being sick.

Perhaps it's partly habit- in terms of eating, exercise, food choices, etc. I have been stuck in patterns for so long that breaking out of the pattern feels strange and almost unnecessary (ie, why would I eat more when I am comfortable with my current intake/why would I gain weight when I am *just* accepting of the size I am now?)

But I am pretty sure there is more.

Something about facing up to life, to myself, to the world, without hiding behind my behaviours or appearance is terrifying. Life confuses me. The unpredictability, the constant changes and need to adapt, the whirlwind of emotions in everyday life, never mind the extra turmoil that major events cause. Seemingly small stresses overwhelm me- a part-time job, going out for lunch, paying bills. I feel like I am still the same 12 year old I was when this all started. As if the hands of time stopped in my internal world, leaving my completely unable to "just deal".

Of course, restricting, overexercising, bouncing in and out of hospital, etc hasn't helped the situation. The less I eat, the more overwhelmed I get, the narrower my vision gets, the less capable I am of coping with day to day life.

I know this. And yet I continue to retreat into what is familiar and predictable as soon as life gets "too much" (by "too much", I mean I stop hiding and face up to the responsibilities of adulthood and realise, I don't know what the hell I am doing- I think a lot of people probably feel the same and make it up as they go along...at least, that's what I tell myself!)

There is also the very real fear of being just as screwed up emotionally/mentally at a healthier weight, but due to looking "normal", not getting any support/help with it. The times I HAVE been at a healthier weight have been when my mood swings have been out of control, my urges to self-harm have been through the roof, and barring the suicide attempt I made last year, all the others have been when, to the outside world, I looked "healthy".

Remaining in my anorexic body is, in a way, how I can communicate and say, "I'm not doing so well". But on the other hand, I cope with things so much better when I have the starvation-induced numbness. Because I don't feel so deeply. I don't have to think about what I want to do with my life, worry about the world/my place in it/how it all comes together because all I care about is food/eating/weight.

I want a bigger life? I need to buy some bigger jeans.

So do I *want* a bigger life? Yes. Without a doubt. I want the freedom back that I wrote about yesterday, I want to sparkle and shine and have a true purpose and meaning to my days beyond that false satisfaction and security that anorexia gives me.

It's just so complicated. I don't know HOW to actually change things. How to literally scrap the life I have created for myself where there are a zillion rules and regulations, habits and compulsions, rituals and obsessions. How to create a life worth living, how to deal with life the way people my age do. How to eat properly regardless of what size jeans I am wearing, how to exercise in an appropriate way, how to fill my time, how to be ME, in a world where I have experienced all but a few months of adulthood as a patient/anorexic/crazy person.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anais Nin

Stay True To You

...easier said than done when you don't really know who you are.

Just when I thought I had nothing to say, I have the urge, once again, to spill my thoughts onto virtual paper.

I've been thinking more and more about the post I wrote a few days ago- how I want, so badly, to fit in. I feel like a complete misfit most of the time. I don't fit in with "normal" people, I don't fit in with "sick" people. I'm somewhere in between starting recovery and being solidly in recovery, and it's lonely as hell.

Part of this is prompted by the pictures I have been taking of my food. I really want to have a food blog one day, and I'm not sure why. For a LONG time, I've been reading some of the food blogs that have been around for a couple of years and I really look up to these people as role models for what a "non-eating disordered" person eats in a day. Perhaps morbid curiosity, perhaps malnutrition-induced food obsession, or perhaps I just have a genuine passion about food/nutrition/life. I don't know at this point.

This is not a food blog.

As much as that is what I *want* one day, I'm not there yet. And I'm not going to pretend to be. I don't WANT to be viewed forever as "the anorexic who eats". I used to have major struggled with self-harm- it's NOT a part of my life anymore. I don't think about it, I don't read about it, my ears don't prick up when it's mentioned/brought up. It's a complete non-issue for me. I don't think I'll ever be that with with food and eating because there is no way around food in everyday life, but also because I've always been interested in food/eating/nutrition/cooking. My family love to eat, my parents love to cook. There has been a strong emphasis on food for my entire life, and I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Anorexia ISN'T, and this blog is about my journey towards recovery. It won't turn into a food blog- when I am at the stage where I am doing well and have a healthy relationship with food, I'll start a new blog.

I look up to a lot of the bloggers as role models- rarely comment on their blogs, but love hearing about their attitudes to their meals and their lives, the ups and downs that EVERYONE has, whether they have some emotional issues or not. Life is life, with all it's ups and downs. I've started commenting more on these blogs because that's what I am striving for: balance, moderation, a level of self-acceptance that I am okay with, a way to juggle the trials and tribulations that the world brings.

I am SO grateful for the people who take the time to read my blog and comment- you guys are great and I can't tell you how much it means that you have read and commented about the journey I am on, and to those of you who are travelling alongside me.

I spoke a few days ago about how I was feeling like I am relying too much on "blogosphere" for some kind of...i don't know. Something it can't be, because it's not fair to any bloggers and it's not fair to me. My blog is about my journey from "sick" to "well" and I need to keep reminding myself that it's NOT about how many responses I get/how much feedback I get/who has or hasn't commented. This isn't about any of YOU GUYS, it's about my own head twisting things around and turning my sole source of uninterrupted (by ED) place to talk openly and I can't let anorexia take over this space too.

I have received a few hurtful comments over the last few weeks here and that's kind of what's prompted this. the entire focus of my blog has changed over the last few months- a GOOD thing because it was more a kind of "woe is me/life is crappy/pity party" before and now I am really spilling my thoughts into good ol' blogspot. But I can't let it change into something I don't want it to BE. I can write for an audience (hell, it's what my jobs have been) but my blog isn't work. My blog is the thoughts and feelings and events that shape MY life, and I need to keep it that way.

I am still going to post pictures- probably food, maybe some other stuff. I am still going to read the same blogs, comment on the same ones I have been. I just wanted to write *something* to remind MYSELF what the purpose of my blog is, and I hope you DO continue reading and commenting because this is a lonely road and I know I'm not the only one walking down it.

Early Morning Philosophy

In class on Monday we were discussing "logical positivism". Basically, the idea that a statement is only true (and therefore meaningful) if it can be tested and proven. Also that falsification is the only valuable way to test things- that it is far easier to prove that things are FALSE than that they are true. Say, for example, you are testing whether or not there is a gravitational pull towards the earth. You decide to test it by dropping a ball. You can do this infinite times, and it may well keep dropping- but you NEVER KNOW if the *next* time will be the time it doesn't fall. All it takes is a single time when it DOESN'T fall for your theory about gravity to be completely trashed.

What has this got to do with eating disorders, you ask? Well, it kind of got me thinking about the beliefs I hold, that I am sure other sufferers hold, that WE believe to be true, and if just one trusted person came along and said, "hey... you know that's not exactly accurate" then would our beliefs be dismissed? A little simplistic, perhaps- our beliefs aren't necessarily based on evidence. In fact, I'm willing to bet that they are, for the most part, belief systems built over years on an array of emotions and the way in which we interpret the world/events around us, but NOT based on scientific evidence. If they were scientific, it would be as simple as, "okay- I'm now at such-and-such a weight, I'll now need XXX to maintain this healthy weight", no strings attached. That doesn't work in the case of eating disorders.

So, where do we find this trusted person to challenge our thoughts and beliefs? Maybe initially, a family member, a friend, a therapist, a religious leader. But at some point, we need to find it in ourselves. Deep down, in our cores, we KNOW what is best for us. That inner voice that has been ignored and shot down for all these years- it's still there. Look for it, nurture it, and most importantly- separate it from the eating disorder's voice, and listen to it.

Follow your heart...

Have a good day guys!

Tell Me What I'm Worth

Yes, you. The pieces of plastic, wires and metal welded together, placed oh-so-carefully at the foot of my bed. Tell me if I am good enough, worthy of eating, worthy of having fun, worthy of sitting and watching TV instead of exercising. Tell me if I am taking up too much space, tell me if I should skip a snack later. Tell me if it's okay to put dressing on my salad, milk in my cereal. Tell me if I am safe, tell me if it's going to be a good.

While you are at it, can you predict Saturday night's lottery numbers? Perhaps the weather for tomorrow? Can you tell me what the score for the game on Sunday will be?

What's that? A "no"? You can't predict the future? Oh, I get it. You can only measure ME. My worth, my value, my place in this world. You can only tell me the stuff I can figure out myself or with the help from my friends and family.

Yes, yes, I hear what you are saying. I need to know, every day, the second I wake up, what you have to say about the day ahead. How you see it panning out. I need your flashing number embedded in my brain as I go about my day. Or do I?

************

Why do we give so much power to something so worthless? Sure, scales can be helpful. I can't bake muffins without them. They can measure, in a limited capacity, health. But not really. They don't tell you if you have lost 5lbs of water weight or if someone yanked out your spleen during the night. Just that there is a 5lb difference. They can't tell me if my heart and kidneys have grown stronger or if that 2lb difference is due to the soda I just drank. They are really very limited indeed. And yet, every.damn.morning, I stand tenderly on the surface. Scared of what it will tell me, scared of how the information will be interpreted in my head, scared of the shape my day will take if the number is "wrong" (note to self: it's always wrong, because there IS no "right").

Heh. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow is a scale-free day. I'm not going to abandon you forever, but I'm going to try a day without your input. No, I won't magically balloon up in one day without your shadow cast over me for one day. The world won't end, my day won't be chaotic and crazy and out of control. I'll be exactly the same, just with a little more peace of mind.

The Importance Of Belonging

I have decided, that no matter what, I need to make sure that I am *okay*. Not in a selfish "it's all about ME" way, but that despite the chaos and negativity going on around me at home/with my treatment, I am able to take care of myself. I am in the process of cutting off contact with certain people- they ones who mean well, but have too many of their own issues for me to be a part of their everyday lives.

Anorexia provides me with the security/predictability that my home life never has and it's only now that I am realising how important it is to have some kind of "family", whether they are blood-related or not. To be a part of a caring and nurturing environment is what I want (and need) if I am going to heal. Maybe I'll find it in friendship. Maybe religion. Maybe living in a small close-knit community. But *somewhere* there is a place where I will be unconditionally accepted.

It's okay to want this. It's okay to need this. It's okay to belong- to find my own niche in life where I am in the company of others walking the same path. I need to figure out who *I* am, beyond the identity that anorexia gives me, and then find a place to finally call "home".

Whose Life Is This Anyway?..

"Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm."

I want to say that things are going really well. That life's great, my job is amazing, my social life has never been better and my creativity is soaring high, taking me to places I only ever dreamed of. None of that would be true. It seems that whilst things are going well on one level, on another, they are falling apart. I'm not sure exactly how one feeds into the other- whether or not there is some kind of correlation between things going well/me starting to crumble. My guess is that there are a hundred therapists out there that would like to say that I like to suffer and therefore "punish" myself when my life is not overly messy for once. My theory is that I am a terrible multitasker. Plain and simple. I can't do too many things at once. I can focus 100% on something and do it amazingly well, using my powers (A-HA!) for good or evil (for lack of a better word!) but as soon as I take on more than one thing, my focus switches onto my new/exciting project and I forget about the other balls I am juggling.

Example: When I've been in hospital and had nothing else to focus on but recovery, I do really well. I work hard, I do my affirmations, I eat properly, sleep well- basically become a master or everything which does not come second nature to me (for some unknown reason). Then I leave, and think, "okay- back in the real world, I'll get a job!". Fine in theory, oh-so-much harder in practice. Immediately my focus switches. MUST.EXCEL.AT.WORK. I work 24/7, go the extra mile, rush into the office 2 hours early, stay up late doing additional work. I stop sleeping ("I don't have TIME anymore") I stop eating ("far too busy to think about food"*) and eventually I wind up in a situation where I have to quit working and go back to basics. How To Eat 101.

I wonder how people do actually manage to *live*- to juggle work, social life, hobbies, relationships, responsibilities, etc, whilst also managing to get a decent amount of sleep, food, air. I feel rather dysfunctional in comparison. How they deal with the ups and downs of life without calling into work sick and walking until they crack bones in their ankles. How they deal with the hum-drum mundaneness that is so often *life* without daydreaming about starving themselves to death. How do people function? Or do they just NOT function in a slightly less obvious way?

Whose to say what's normal?

Maybe what I am doing is the same as everybody else. Maybe everyone else also feels the same inadequacies, inability to cope, utter panic and overwhelming anxiety at the future ahead of them. Maybe they just deal with it differently?.. Or maybe they don't deal with it at all? Maybe they just hope that things will work out? Maybe they are happy deep down with who they are and so nothing else really shakes them to their core.

Maybe my problem really is just that I base my entire self-worth on external aspects of life and believe that I cannot afford to do anything less than 100%- I don't matter as a person so if I stop eating/sleeping, it's not a big deal. Screwing up at work? THAT'S a big deal. Hurt somebody's feelings? DISASTER. My life really isn't about *me* at all.


* the irony is, as anyone who is familiar with the Minnesota Starvation Study will know, a starving body/mind thinks of nothing BUT food