Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner!

I am not known for being a pushover. I am not outspoken in any way, but I generally say what I think, with as much tact as possible. I stand up for what I believe in and will leap into conversations to stick up for people/things I am passionate about. I am not a disobedient person- on the contrary, I like having rules and order, but I need to know why the rules are in place if I am going to follow them. I question things a lot- not in a confrontational way but I am, by nature, a curious person and like to understand why people say/do the things they do. I hate arguments and fighting but will quite happily sit and debate something for 3 hours to understand where you are coming from and put my point of view forward.

Yet when it comes to anorexia ordering me around, I cower in the corner. I don't question the rules laid down- I just follow them. I don't challenge the statements yelled out at me- I take them to heart and hold them to be true.

So why is it different when it comes from anorexia rather than from another person? If a "friend" told me I didn't deserve to eat/should lose Xlbs/should skip my snack, I'd tell them where to go. No holds barred. My body, my life. Yet when it comes from anorexia, it's a whole different story. Maybe because it is so hard to separate anorexic thoughts from my own thoughts? I find that the times I CAN separate the two, I am able to fight back. But when the two merge together and it's hard to prise them apart, it's impossible to bring a logical argument into the equation. The real "ellie" gets lost amidst the whispers and roars of anorexia and I find myself doing things that I later question- this is NOT who I am. This is NOT what *I* believe to be right/important. Measuring out peanut butter and spending 5 minutes levelling off the teaspoon? Spending several hours working out the exact calories/protein/fiber in my breakfast? Meh. If I liked numbers, I'd be a mathematician.

I am not what anorexia makes me. Perfectionist, yes. Likes control? Oh-so-cliche, but oh-so-true. But obsessive to the point where I can barely string together a coherent sentence because my thoughts are so jumbled? NO.

I am a creative person. I love to dance around my room pretending my hairbrush is a microphone. I love curling up on the sofa watching "Scrubs". I could spend all day in a bookstore hunting out books with funny titles and taking photos of me and my friend holding them. I love exploring new areas, travelling, working. I love writing- all kinds of stuff. For a long time I have wanted to be a copywriter for an advertising agency (DREAM JOB!). I LOOOOOOOVE New York- the 24/7 buzz, the people, the atmosphere... I love who I am when I am there: outgoing, confident, driven, focused, healthy. I never wear make-up because I always forget I have it on and end up with mascara smeared all over my face. I laugh when I am uncomfortable and have a very dry sense of humour. I love going out for dinner with my friends in New York. I love learning random facts that will probably never be of use to me, but are fun to know. I rarely answer my phone- despite the months I spent working in call centres/receptions, I HATE picking up the phone knowing someone on the other side needs to talk to me about something. I am very impatient- I like things done immediately. I am not afraid of hard work, but if I am not seeing some kind of immediate results, I start to question the point of it all. I don't like making small decisions, but have NO problem making life-changing decisions. I then throw myself into my next adventure, only to get bored 3 months later and change gears. I can't walk in flip-flops of high heels- I can live with that. I wear my hair the same way every day- pulled back in a messy bun that inevitable falls out countless times during the day. I could spend a month in Wholefoods and never get bored. I love food: talking about it, reading about it, thinking about it, and yes- eating it. I never have music on at home, but my iPod is switched on as soon as I step outside my door- I wake up every morning with a song in my head, and that's the first one I listen to when I leave each morning. My play lists are categorised by feelings- whether I am angry, upset, happy, I have a whole bunch of songs right there to match my mood. I don't wear a watch and am always asking what time it is. I am terrified of ALL animals and will never have a pet for this reason. I don't mind spiders that come in my apartment, but if a bee or wasp enters, I am moving out. Seriously. I don't follow any particular religion, but am fascinated by Eastern philosophy. I don't know how to drive or boil an egg- I do make a mean ratatouille though and can do a babyfreeze (which I often do, at very random times...though seriously, it's a kind of random thing to do full stop, outside of a break dancing arena!) I have spelt "separate" wrong everytime I do a spell-check (thank you blogspot for bringing this to my attention every.single.day!)

Point is, I feel like anorexia has taken up so much of my identity- particularly in the last few weeks between the psychotic episode and depression.

I am not anorexia. I need to keep reminding myself of that, and start paying more attention to ELLIE- investing my time in the part of me that I want to grow stonger and bolder, rather than wasting my time and energy fueling the fire I want to burn out.

Tell me some random facts about you!

Growing Up

As much as I want the FREEDOM I talked about in yesterday's post, there is obviously something holding me back. I don't know quite what it is that makes it so difficult to give up my eating disorder, as much as I want to, but there must be SOME kind of pay-off to being sick.

Perhaps it's partly habit- in terms of eating, exercise, food choices, etc. I have been stuck in patterns for so long that breaking out of the pattern feels strange and almost unnecessary (ie, why would I eat more when I am comfortable with my current intake/why would I gain weight when I am *just* accepting of the size I am now?)

But I am pretty sure there is more.

Something about facing up to life, to myself, to the world, without hiding behind my behaviours or appearance is terrifying. Life confuses me. The unpredictability, the constant changes and need to adapt, the whirlwind of emotions in everyday life, never mind the extra turmoil that major events cause. Seemingly small stresses overwhelm me- a part-time job, going out for lunch, paying bills. I feel like I am still the same 12 year old I was when this all started. As if the hands of time stopped in my internal world, leaving my completely unable to "just deal".

Of course, restricting, overexercising, bouncing in and out of hospital, etc hasn't helped the situation. The less I eat, the more overwhelmed I get, the narrower my vision gets, the less capable I am of coping with day to day life.

I know this. And yet I continue to retreat into what is familiar and predictable as soon as life gets "too much" (by "too much", I mean I stop hiding and face up to the responsibilities of adulthood and realise, I don't know what the hell I am doing- I think a lot of people probably feel the same and make it up as they go along...at least, that's what I tell myself!)

There is also the very real fear of being just as screwed up emotionally/mentally at a healthier weight, but due to looking "normal", not getting any support/help with it. The times I HAVE been at a healthier weight have been when my mood swings have been out of control, my urges to self-harm have been through the roof, and barring the suicide attempt I made last year, all the others have been when, to the outside world, I looked "healthy".

Remaining in my anorexic body is, in a way, how I can communicate and say, "I'm not doing so well". But on the other hand, I cope with things so much better when I have the starvation-induced numbness. Because I don't feel so deeply. I don't have to think about what I want to do with my life, worry about the world/my place in it/how it all comes together because all I care about is food/eating/weight.

I want a bigger life? I need to buy some bigger jeans.

So do I *want* a bigger life? Yes. Without a doubt. I want the freedom back that I wrote about yesterday, I want to sparkle and shine and have a true purpose and meaning to my days beyond that false satisfaction and security that anorexia gives me.

It's just so complicated. I don't know HOW to actually change things. How to literally scrap the life I have created for myself where there are a zillion rules and regulations, habits and compulsions, rituals and obsessions. How to create a life worth living, how to deal with life the way people my age do. How to eat properly regardless of what size jeans I am wearing, how to exercise in an appropriate way, how to fill my time, how to be ME, in a world where I have experienced all but a few months of adulthood as a patient/anorexic/crazy person.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anais Nin

Stay True To You

...easier said than done when you don't really know who you are.

Just when I thought I had nothing to say, I have the urge, once again, to spill my thoughts onto virtual paper.

I've been thinking more and more about the post I wrote a few days ago- how I want, so badly, to fit in. I feel like a complete misfit most of the time. I don't fit in with "normal" people, I don't fit in with "sick" people. I'm somewhere in between starting recovery and being solidly in recovery, and it's lonely as hell.

Part of this is prompted by the pictures I have been taking of my food. I really want to have a food blog one day, and I'm not sure why. For a LONG time, I've been reading some of the food blogs that have been around for a couple of years and I really look up to these people as role models for what a "non-eating disordered" person eats in a day. Perhaps morbid curiosity, perhaps malnutrition-induced food obsession, or perhaps I just have a genuine passion about food/nutrition/life. I don't know at this point.

This is not a food blog.

As much as that is what I *want* one day, I'm not there yet. And I'm not going to pretend to be. I don't WANT to be viewed forever as "the anorexic who eats". I used to have major struggled with self-harm- it's NOT a part of my life anymore. I don't think about it, I don't read about it, my ears don't prick up when it's mentioned/brought up. It's a complete non-issue for me. I don't think I'll ever be that with with food and eating because there is no way around food in everyday life, but also because I've always been interested in food/eating/nutrition/cooking. My family love to eat, my parents love to cook. There has been a strong emphasis on food for my entire life, and I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Anorexia ISN'T, and this blog is about my journey towards recovery. It won't turn into a food blog- when I am at the stage where I am doing well and have a healthy relationship with food, I'll start a new blog.

I look up to a lot of the bloggers as role models- rarely comment on their blogs, but love hearing about their attitudes to their meals and their lives, the ups and downs that EVERYONE has, whether they have some emotional issues or not. Life is life, with all it's ups and downs. I've started commenting more on these blogs because that's what I am striving for: balance, moderation, a level of self-acceptance that I am okay with, a way to juggle the trials and tribulations that the world brings.

I am SO grateful for the people who take the time to read my blog and comment- you guys are great and I can't tell you how much it means that you have read and commented about the journey I am on, and to those of you who are travelling alongside me.

I spoke a few days ago about how I was feeling like I am relying too much on "blogosphere" for some kind of...i don't know. Something it can't be, because it's not fair to any bloggers and it's not fair to me. My blog is about my journey from "sick" to "well" and I need to keep reminding myself that it's NOT about how many responses I get/how much feedback I get/who has or hasn't commented. This isn't about any of YOU GUYS, it's about my own head twisting things around and turning my sole source of uninterrupted (by ED) place to talk openly and I can't let anorexia take over this space too.

I have received a few hurtful comments over the last few weeks here and that's kind of what's prompted this. the entire focus of my blog has changed over the last few months- a GOOD thing because it was more a kind of "woe is me/life is crappy/pity party" before and now I am really spilling my thoughts into good ol' blogspot. But I can't let it change into something I don't want it to BE. I can write for an audience (hell, it's what my jobs have been) but my blog isn't work. My blog is the thoughts and feelings and events that shape MY life, and I need to keep it that way.

I am still going to post pictures- probably food, maybe some other stuff. I am still going to read the same blogs, comment on the same ones I have been. I just wanted to write *something* to remind MYSELF what the purpose of my blog is, and I hope you DO continue reading and commenting because this is a lonely road and I know I'm not the only one walking down it.

Pushing Limits and Setting Boundaries

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was annoyed with myself for a few reasons, and worried about friends and that I had stepped on people's toes yesterday.

I got up around 5am and sat smoking and drinking coffee and thinking. I was reading my old posts from when I was very active in eating disorders message boards where there are a lot of people not even contemplating recovery, and the shift in focus on my blog when my attention was drawn to the more recovery orientated blogging community.

I guess I am scared that I look to blogs a little too much for support and motivation, and I am worried that MY recovery is going to be dependant on other people's. Of course, that will never work- I need to OWN my recovery and be doing it for ME. Doing it for myself isn't the same as doing it by myself and I need to figure out a way to set some boundaries with myself regarding where I draw the line between using support whilst still remaining independently recovering. Does that make any sense?..

This is definitely an issue I have struggled with in the past- doing what everyone around me is doing because...well, if they can do it, so can I. It's hard for me to separate myself from anyone/everyone around me, and do what is right for ME- especially when I am struggling and either looking for justification for my behaviour, or reason to change. It's also been hard for me to feel good about myself/where I am when I go down the road of comparing myself to people who I was at school with and are now doctors/lawyers/architects, married, happy.

Essentially I think the problem is that I have no idea who I am, what I want or where I am going and I'm trying too hard to fit in where I perhaps don't really belong. Part of this is the huge ambivalence I apparently have towards recovery- don't get me wrong, I WANT to be free from anorexia, but struggle a lot with giving up the behaviours. for this reason, I don't fit in with the friends I have that don't want to get well, and I don't fit in with the friends I have who are actively making changes because I'm somewhere in between.

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and give myself permission to eat/stop exercising/do XYZ because that is what my role models do and I really struggle to stay focused on my recovery when I see that the people I look up to are human too. And that's perfectly OKAY- the problem isn't THEM, it's my perception. I am fully aware of this.

This is not a criticism of anyone in particular, except myself- not even criticism so PLEASE don't see it that way. Merely an observance of my own thoughts, feelings, actions and a look at where I am right now. Food and weight issues aside, there is a hell of a lot of work I need to be doing with regards to recovery.

Anyway, onto my fun stuff...


Cheese is a bit of a "fear food" for me, so I decided I was going to incorporate it somehow into today's food. What did I come up with?

Apple cheddar oatmeal.

In the mix:

• 1/3 cup oats cooked in water
• apple
• cinnamon
• 1oz cheddar

I've never had apples with cheese before, but heard it was good- and it WAS! Love sweet + savoury combinations! Close up of the mixed-up cheesy goodness...


And due to Clif-burnout, a new snack :)



And finally, a quote I came across this morning...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

The Life I Want To Remember

I re-read yesterday's post this morning (thank you for your comments- I love checking my mail in the morning and seeing your responses!) and it got me thinking about the kind of life I *want* to remember.

I'm doing okay at the moment in terms of managing my eating disorder, slowly making progress, but kind of feeling like that's my full-time occupation right now. An investment in the future for SURE, but I don't buy into the train of thought that you are always in recovery/just one step away from a full-blown relapse.

Perhaps I am being naive and overly-optimistic, but I want MY life to have purpose and meaning. NOT on the scale of winning Nobel prizes (lol) but I do want to feel like am making a difference somewhere. Go to bed each night knowing that I have helped changed things for the better- more than just the satisfaction that anorexia gave me ("only ate xxx today") and more than I am doing now ("I resisted the urge to do yyy today").

Just general musings on having a life worth living.

I don't know what shape or form this is going to take. I've drifted from one job to another, from one class to another, trying to figure out where I belong, what I want to DO with my life. I think as long as I feel so aimless, relapses are far more likely because I honestly don't know where else to feel like I am achieving something, working towards something.

This leaves me in a difficult position- having written off anorexia as *ever* giving my life any substantial meaning...all that seems left is a huge blank canvas and I'm not sure what to paint on it.

So my question for all you beautiful people out there today, is: what gives YOUR life purpose and meaning?

The Real Ellie

Most of this blog has been about my struggles with my eating disorder/recovery, but, inspired by fellow bloggers, I wanted to take some time to think about who *I am, outside of my illness.

So, who am I?..

I am a huge music fan- I grew up playing the harp, but don't play much anymore. I LOVE soundtracks to musicals and have about a hundred on my iPod! I also love Pete Seeger, Peter, Paul and Mary, Pink and Katy Melua.

I am obsessed with the TV show "Scrubs"- at the age of 3, I wanted to be a doctor and although no longer interested in studying medicine, I love medical related humor! I really enjoy most American sitcoms, and have recently discovered a hilarious general knowledge show called "QI".

I am really interested in diet and nutrition- eating disorder aside, I think my interest stems from earlier interest in medicine. I love trying new foods but am a self-confessed terrible cook...but hey, microwaves and sandwiches are good substitutes! Haha!

I have pierced ears and long hair- I never change my earrings and I never do anything with my hair except tie it back in the same messy bun every day! I don't wear a watch despite my obsession with punctuality so if you spend more than half an hour with me, I am guaranteed to ask you the time at least once (or twice...).

I love making people laugh and I love being made to laugh. People generally don't "get" my sense of humor initially which has lead to some awkward beginnings- which have then flourished into amazing friendships. I make jokes when I'm nervous/anxious/upset (don't try this in group therapy- doesn't go down well!). I laugh at really inappropriate times, taking things FAR too lightly...then the "light" stuff hits me hard.

I live in jeans and sweatshirts and collect school sweatshirts and t-shirts with funky slogans- I usually buy a few plain tank tops in summer and make my own. I have dressier clothes that I LOVE but rarely wear- what can I say? I can't walk in heels, and my Urban Outfitters skirts and dresses just look strange with sneakers!

I love making inspirational collages with random words, pictures and quotes I find in magazines. I also love collecting random items (magnets, jewellery, etc) with inspirational quotes on them.

I have been wanting to work in advertising and took a class at NYU in "advertising copywriting" which I loved. Kind of gave up on that after working as a receptionist at various agencies in New York and seeing the pressure involved! I'm not sure what the future holds study/work-wise, but I love learning and exploring options. One day I'll grow up and get a real job!

I think about moving a LOT. I love looking at Craigslist at different places and dreaming about what it would be like to live there... I've always wanted to visit Australia and California, but New York is my favorite place in the world, and where I class as "home".

I am more than anorexia. I am more than a patient. I am more than my emotions, my thoughts, my weight, my meals. I am ELLIE- hear me ROAR!

Finding my passions...

It was suggested to me today that I think about all of the things that I love doing. The idea being, that if you follow your heart, everything else falls into place. So often our lives are dictated by other people's expectations, pressures from society, etc and we lose a sense of who we are deep down inside.

So, without further ado, the things I really love:

• my early morning coffee routine
• long walks with my iPod on
• watching Scrubs
• reading anything related to nutrition
• dancing
• getting my coffee from Starbucks, "to go" and taking it into a grocery store to look at food (how sad...)
• making collages of inspirational quotes/pictures
• making lists (obviously- haha!)
• listening to people talk about their careers
• giving diet/nutrition advice
• copywriting
• planning relocations that may/may not ever happen
• soundtracks from Broadway shows
• bopping around New York
• sitting in Starbucks with friends, talking about the meaning of life
• thinking up cool slogans for t-shirts
• talking to people
• feeling like I am making a difference
• feeling like I am important to somebody
• playing my harp
• eating with friends at my favourite diner in New York
• Ellen's Stardust Diner
• being independant
• life coaching articles
• designing ad campaigns

What do YOU love?..

Who Am I?

For a really long time, whenever anybody asked me to tell them about myself, I immediately referenced dancing. It had been years since I'd touched my harp, years since I had done anything remotely interesting- nothing that could define me in a somewhat-positive light (yes, I have self-esteem issues!) Without dance, what is there? It's really hard to define yourself when you base your own self-worth on external activities/acheivements. Because nothing external is guaranteed.

So now, I find myself thinking about who I am inside. Take away dance, music, illness. Who am I? I have absolutely no idea.

I am passionate. I am determined. I stand up for what I think is right. I am creative. I like to be in control. I have unrealistically high expectations of myself. I spend a lot of time daydreaming- creating elaborate plans which I attempt to follow through, then realise I didn't really plan it all that well. I like to run away from things. Life scares me. Responsibility scares me. I think of my world as a juggling act, and all-too-often the balance gets tipped and things fall apart. I'm sensitive. Highly critical of myself, but (too?) accepting of others. I often jump to conclusions. I like to plan things in advance. I like adventures- adrenaline. I like short-term fixes. I am impatient. I love to make people laugh. I love to explore things, understand, learn. I get confused easily, frustrated easily and bored easily. I am scared of being tied down to any one thing/person. Anything which requires commitment is immediately on my "no-go" list (which is why I like the "one day at a time" idea... I can really only function if my goal is to get through that one day/hour/moment). My priorities change at the drop of a hat and have a habit of turning themselves on their heads.

I am more than an ex-dancer. I am more than an illness. I am more than the words I write/think. I am more than my emotions. I am a whole person- whether I believe that or not is irrelevant right now. At this very second, I can see that I am a human being who is starting to look beyond the surface and discover what lies inside.