Who Would Have Thought That Therapy Could Be Helpful?!

"set shifting": the ability to move back and forth between tasks,
operations, or mental sets, which is a function primarily linked to the
prefrontal cortex.

I was talking to my therapist on Tuesday about the difficulty I have breaking out of patterns. How I eat the same foods every day because I can't seem to comprehend the availability of other options. How I go for the same walks each day because a different route feels too complex to consider as an option. How this course I have started ('philosophy of religion' for those who asked!) is throwing up many challenges, aside from the workload itself, in terms of challenging my rituals, disturbing my routine, etc. She explained to me the link between set-shifting and anorexia which results in a sort of tunnel-vision way of living. She explained that *this* is why I get so stuck in routines and patterns- it's something which ANYONE struggles with at low weights/in states of starvation, but she said the research shows that people with anorexia have always had this, and continue to do so even after weight restoration.

It's not necessarily a BAD thing. It means a lot of drive, an ability to really focus on the task at hand- hell, if you are doing a PHD, the ability to focus 100% would work wonders. Problem I am dealing with is adapting to real-life, sans PHD (!). Looking back, it has come and gone in waves. It is definitely worse when I am deep in anorexic behaviours. The inability to shift into another mode drives the behaviour, the behaviour itself fuels the fire.

We talked about this in some depth as I tried to figure out a way to break out of the tunnel-vision, see more options and make more CHOICES rather than repeating the same things because I don't *see* any other choices to choose between. She said I can't reprogram the way my brain works, but what I CAN do is recognise what is going on, step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective ("what would someone else do right now?")

I've surprised myself by actually managing to do this since our session. Not in huge measures, but definitely moving in the right direction. It sounds small and stupid, but I'm actually really proud of myself for the choices I have been making with food/meals since Tuesday. Talking to my therapist, and for the first time ever, actually saying out loud *exactly* what was going on in my head without worrying about being judged/punished has really enabled me to GET advice and USE the advice.

Wow. Sounds so obvious now- that's why professionals are there, right?.. Who would have thought I might actually BENEFIT from treatment?.. (kidding- kind of...this current therapist and I have had an on/off relationship for a few years and I've not quite trusted her until recently so not been able to open up completely, and other therapists have had the "it's not about food so we won't talk about food" mentality- helpful, yes, but it's not something that can really be ignored with treatment of anorexia...)

So yeah. This is kind of new for me, and kind of exciting. It feels really good to be making some concrete changes that I can see/measure in terms of improving my situation. Often I've spent months in therapy and although I may have made some progress mentally, at the end of 6/8/12 months, nothing has REALLY changed in any way. Ha- I'm so excited that since Tuesday, I haven't eaten the same thing more than once. Wooo! (Yes, I know it's only Thursday but this is HUGE for me!)

I'm still really struggling with the feelings of guilt about not doing more/not achieving more/not saving the world right now. Nighttime is hardest- I've been watching TV to distract myself and falling asleep as the credits go up on 'Friends', but I wake up at 3-4am, tears soaking my pillow, my thoughts racing about applying for jobs/courses, moving, going back to New York.

It's hard to hold onto the thought that right here, right now, I am doing *exactly* what I need to be doing to shape my future. I can't change the past and I can't rush through the present. It's a process and there aren't the short-cuts I find myself rushing to find.

New Year, New Start

I've been impressed reading people's new year's resolutions on their blogs. I'm not one for making resolutions at the start of a new year- I tend to set goals as I go along, and continuously reassess if they are working, and what tweaks need to be made.

Apparently that is my problem.

Always switching gears, changing direction. Ploughing forward with one thing, fumbling, giving up/burning myself into the ground, falling flat on my face and retreating into the shadows once more. I never really thought about it like this. I always viewed it as a personal failure- evidence of my own sheer inadequacy, rather than perhaps considering that I have bitten off more than I can chew ('scuse the pun!). Time after time, I plunge forward then wonder why I lose my footing- why *I* can't cope with what other people can.

I had therapy today and I think it has been the most productive as yet. I've been seeing this therapist on and off for about 3 years now. The "on and off" has been due to me coming back to Scotland for just a few months at a time before setting off on a new adventure. She's seen the ups and downs, the plunges and falls, the building up and crumbling down. Today we looked back and I saw it too. The pattern of starting slowly, then as soon as I feel slightly more stable, feeling guilty that I am not doing more/achieving more...hell, BEING more. The perfectionist in me leaps out and I run to the next thing. I can do voluntary work for 4 hours a week? Okay- after a month I'll move to a different country and work 60 hours a week. I can make a balanced breakfast without support? Okay- I'll move into my own place and take on the world.

Seriously. This seems to be how I work.

The challenge now, having recognised it, is to change this pattern. Commit to take things slow. Assess, with my therapist, how it's going. To bitch and whine about the "itchy feet". To recognise the need to strive for more (and more and more and more) without acting on it. To ignore the thoughts about other people judging me, thinking I am lazy/stupid/crazy/useless. Ignore the assumption that everyone expects me to move out and get a job and do all the things *I* feel I should be doing right now.

It's day 1 and I am already struggling. I feel guilty for flicking through facebook when I could be filling out job application forms. I feel guilty for watching TV when I should be house hunting. I feel guilty listening to my therapist and following her advice because I'm worried that I am using it as an excuse to be lazy, to do too little. I want to move out, to get a job, to just be NORMAL and it's painful to think that *this* might be the way to DO just that, in a sustainable way.

It's quite the challenge. Sounded easy in her office, but oy...just a few hours later and I'm climbing the walls.

On My Own

Last night ended rather disastrously. I don't know what triggered the surge of emotions, or why I didn't even fight the urges I was having. It seems that as I give up some behaviours, others crop up- hitting hard, with me, unprepared to adequately fight them.

In hindsight, I was tired. I hadn't slept well for a few days. I'm incredibly lonely here in Scotland, becoming increasingly frustrated at the conflict that arises from wanting to *be* well, and not sure if the steps I am taking are the "right" ones. I'm tired of fighting myself. Tired of fighting the constant barrage of obsessions and compulsions, and tired of...well to be honest, the overwhelming desire to recover. If there was no WANTS involved, I'd surrender to the thoughts and the conflict wouldn't arise in the first place. It's the in-between stage of wanting to be sick/wanting to be well that provides the breeding ground for any kind of negativity.

BUT...

Today is a new day. I got up and ate breakfast. I've been trying to increase my intake over the last few days and for the most part, have been successful. It's causing a lot of anxiety for me, but I am pushing forward and hoping it gets easier. Nobody KNOWS I am doing this (well, anyone reading this does!) and it's hard without support, but I've come to realise that people, for the most part, don't actually care anymore.

It's not about them anymore.

It's not about who has answers, who can help me, who can support me, who can love me.

I'm on my own now. I'm terrified and lonely and spend a lot of time fighting the urge to SCREAM or CRY or just reach out and hug someone (ha- sure that would go down well, lol) but it's the reality I am facing.

Perhaps it will feel more empowering in the future- to know that *I* did this. That *I* created a life for myself, got back on my feet and said a big "F*** you" to the people who have caused more of a hindrance than anything else. In the future. For now, it hurts like hell.

The Importance Of Belonging

I have decided, that no matter what, I need to make sure that I am *okay*. Not in a selfish "it's all about ME" way, but that despite the chaos and negativity going on around me at home/with my treatment, I am able to take care of myself. I am in the process of cutting off contact with certain people- they ones who mean well, but have too many of their own issues for me to be a part of their everyday lives.

Anorexia provides me with the security/predictability that my home life never has and it's only now that I am realising how important it is to have some kind of "family", whether they are blood-related or not. To be a part of a caring and nurturing environment is what I want (and need) if I am going to heal. Maybe I'll find it in friendship. Maybe religion. Maybe living in a small close-knit community. But *somewhere* there is a place where I will be unconditionally accepted.

It's okay to want this. It's okay to need this. It's okay to belong- to find my own niche in life where I am in the company of others walking the same path. I need to figure out who *I* am, beyond the identity that anorexia gives me, and then find a place to finally call "home".