What Do I Do With All This Space?..

...I'm talking head space here.

If my therapist is right (and she has yet to be wrong- this woman is amazing) then the preoccupation with food is partially to block out depression/anxiety. It is, no doubt, partly related to weight/behaviours (anyone read the Minnesota Study?) , but I think she is right with her idea as to why it's gotten so much worse lately.

I've noticed since the day when I decided I don't need to be so black/white in my thinking about my meal plan, my anxiety has lessened and I am spending far less time thinking about food. Instead, my thoughts have drifted back into a hole of despair and negativity. I honestly don't know what else TO think about.

I have been trying to distract myself with reading (yay chic lit!), music, making collages, but it all feels kind of...meaningless. I am very aware of the fact that I am doing these things, not necessarily because I ENJOY them, but because I know I need to drag my thoughts away from where they will wander if I don't make a conscious effort to direct them somewhere.

I don't want to spend my life feeling like I am just going through motions to kill time so I don't go insane. I've written before about how I do things 100%- whether it's my eating disorder or work, it's very much full-on 'don't-think-don't-feel' mode.

Maybe this is normal? I have no idea. I don't KNOW what people think about on a day-to-day basis. I have ideas about how they fill their time, but just little things...waiting for the bus, standing in line in a store. What are they thinking about? I'm not asking because I'm nosy- I just can't seem to even contemplate the idea that there ARE things worth thinking about other than food/weight.

I take away the eating disorder thoughts, the depression thoughts...then what? My mind goes completely blank...

Who To Trust?

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

**********

The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

• go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
• ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
• be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

Take Hold Of Your Mind

Thank you SO much for the support you all gave me with yesterday's post. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to say, "I've been there too" to make things feel less overwhelming and paralysing.

I had therapy today- was VERY tempted to cancel, but decided that I can't afford to skip sessions right now and I think it's the first time I went, completely willing to be 100% honest and get as much out of my 50 minute session as possible.

I was scared of being labelled as psychotic or crazy, or brushed off as being dramatic or attention-seeking. I've had a pretty rocky relationship with my therapist and have found it hard to adjust to her way of working, but as I have grown accustomed to her methods, I have found it to be more and more helpful. I tend to forget that in the lead-up to appointments and am always pretty wary of how she'll respond to me.

I basically told her exactly what I wrote last night about what's been going on. She said that she thought that life is definitely worth living, but that my current situation is likely contributing to me feeling otherwise. There is great benefits to talking to someone who has known me for a long time, knows my patterns, my history- she thought that perhaps the intrusive thoughts I am having may be serving a similar purpose to that which anorexia provides. Distraction from the very real obstacles (isolation, lack of structure, loneliness, adapting to living on my own). We talked about how I have had similar experiences in the past and I often brushed it off saying, "if only I lived by myself...", thus avoiding doing much about the situation except looking to an external solution.

We also talked about applying DBT to this and how a lot of things I am doing to "cope" are making things a lot worse for me. She set out some very clear goals to hopefully help me right now. I sensed an urgency when she spoke, and almost felt threatened, but I guess it's a good thing that she feels the same way about this not being allowed to continue spiralling.

The first ones are around food and weight. We don't generally discuss this in my sessions- her theory being that I have spent so much time talking about it in treatment and read so much about it that further discussion is pointless. I pretty much agree so was surprised when she stated, point-blank, that I need to get a grip on this. Now. There is no doubt in my mind that she is right, but I'm not sure exactly what to do about my intake right now- what to change/add. I have no doubt that it's necessary, and I am willing to do *anything* at this point to regain some semblance of sanity, but am struggling to keep my intake consistent as it is, never mind add in more food. I've cut down on caffeine and liquids to help with the constant nausea I've had this week (anxiety/depression I am guessing) but not sure how else to manage this. I'll give it some thought (ideas welcome!)

The other one was about taking hold of my mind. I've learned about this in DBT, and basically it involves staying in the present moment and not getting swallowed up my anxieties or memories. Staying in the "here and now"- we talked about grounding techniques and things I can do before I am transported to some other dimension. We also discussed pushing away thoughts and delaying actions- none of the urges I have need to be acted on *immediately*. It's okay to just BE. Put worrying on tomorrow's "to do" list- take each moment as it comes, focus on what is going on around me...the smell of my pot-pourri, the fluffy carpet under my feet, the warm cup of coffee in my hand.

How do you stay in the present moment when your thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour?

Lara left me a great comment on yesterday's post which I wanted to highlight:

I know from experience that sometimes when you really really struggle like this,
you are actually breaking through to a point of healing and getting better. I
hope that is what this is for you- the storm before the sun rises.

I was thinking about this after therapy and think it's definitely true. Like I said, it was the first time I went into a session ready and willing to take on board WHATEVER advice my therapist had to offer.

Here's to a great weekend!

Why Hello Body- what are you saying?

Therapy went well. More often than not, we talk about issues other than *me* and today we ended up talking about the law that was passed in NY state regarding nutritional information being printed on menus. This lead into her bringing up the subject of intuition (M- are you reading my blog?! :P ) and body cues, the practical aspect of "listening to your body" (ie, you may feel like cooking a roast chicken at 8am but have to rush to work).

I spoke about yesterday's entry and what my thoughts on intuitive eating were and where I stand with that. She agreed that now probably isn't a good time for me to completely stray away from my plan, but we talked a lot about how I feel after eating certain foods. I explained that I had noticed a difference in satiety and energy since switching things around a little (helloooo peanut butter- where have you been all these years?!) and how certain foods seem to leave me feeling kind of drained/dizzy a few hours later (I have blood sugar issues).

She also told me about a study that was done with children under the age of 5, monkeys and rats: basically, for 1 week, they were allowed to eat as much or as little of any kind of foods they wanted. The children, for the first 2-3 days, ate nothing more than sugary snack foods. After the first few days, they veered towards much more balanced meals and snacks. Over the course of the week, their diets were completely balanced and included all food groups. Point being, that yes- initially you may want lots of the things you generally don't eat much off/see as "forbidden"/restrict, but if you listen to your body, it will soon tell you what it wants/needs.

So, I have decided, not to completely "free style" with my meal plan, but to stop planning what I am going to have for my afternoon snack. This is pretty big for me. I have been switching things up a little bit, but still sticking to certain "requirements" (calories, protein...all that lovely stuff my body loves). BUT, my overall diet is balanced enough to allow some flexibility with this one snack. It sounds really small when I write it down, but it's going to be an experiment with me listening to what *I* want to eat- taste, texture, etc, without obsessing for 2 hours about how much of xxx I need to make my jigsaw of a meal plan add up to exactly what my brain says is "okay".

Today's choice: a pumpkin spice Clif bar

Good call, body...good call.

Edited to add: I am still having trouble trying to post comments on your blogs- not sure what is going on, but rest assured I am reading and thinking of you all! Normal responses will resume when the technical side of blogosphere is restored to it's usual state.

Who Would Have Thought That Therapy Could Be Helpful?!

"set shifting": the ability to move back and forth between tasks,
operations, or mental sets, which is a function primarily linked to the
prefrontal cortex.

I was talking to my therapist on Tuesday about the difficulty I have breaking out of patterns. How I eat the same foods every day because I can't seem to comprehend the availability of other options. How I go for the same walks each day because a different route feels too complex to consider as an option. How this course I have started ('philosophy of religion' for those who asked!) is throwing up many challenges, aside from the workload itself, in terms of challenging my rituals, disturbing my routine, etc. She explained to me the link between set-shifting and anorexia which results in a sort of tunnel-vision way of living. She explained that *this* is why I get so stuck in routines and patterns- it's something which ANYONE struggles with at low weights/in states of starvation, but she said the research shows that people with anorexia have always had this, and continue to do so even after weight restoration.

It's not necessarily a BAD thing. It means a lot of drive, an ability to really focus on the task at hand- hell, if you are doing a PHD, the ability to focus 100% would work wonders. Problem I am dealing with is adapting to real-life, sans PHD (!). Looking back, it has come and gone in waves. It is definitely worse when I am deep in anorexic behaviours. The inability to shift into another mode drives the behaviour, the behaviour itself fuels the fire.

We talked about this in some depth as I tried to figure out a way to break out of the tunnel-vision, see more options and make more CHOICES rather than repeating the same things because I don't *see* any other choices to choose between. She said I can't reprogram the way my brain works, but what I CAN do is recognise what is going on, step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective ("what would someone else do right now?")

I've surprised myself by actually managing to do this since our session. Not in huge measures, but definitely moving in the right direction. It sounds small and stupid, but I'm actually really proud of myself for the choices I have been making with food/meals since Tuesday. Talking to my therapist, and for the first time ever, actually saying out loud *exactly* what was going on in my head without worrying about being judged/punished has really enabled me to GET advice and USE the advice.

Wow. Sounds so obvious now- that's why professionals are there, right?.. Who would have thought I might actually BENEFIT from treatment?.. (kidding- kind of...this current therapist and I have had an on/off relationship for a few years and I've not quite trusted her until recently so not been able to open up completely, and other therapists have had the "it's not about food so we won't talk about food" mentality- helpful, yes, but it's not something that can really be ignored with treatment of anorexia...)

So yeah. This is kind of new for me, and kind of exciting. It feels really good to be making some concrete changes that I can see/measure in terms of improving my situation. Often I've spent months in therapy and although I may have made some progress mentally, at the end of 6/8/12 months, nothing has REALLY changed in any way. Ha- I'm so excited that since Tuesday, I haven't eaten the same thing more than once. Wooo! (Yes, I know it's only Thursday but this is HUGE for me!)

I'm still really struggling with the feelings of guilt about not doing more/not achieving more/not saving the world right now. Nighttime is hardest- I've been watching TV to distract myself and falling asleep as the credits go up on 'Friends', but I wake up at 3-4am, tears soaking my pillow, my thoughts racing about applying for jobs/courses, moving, going back to New York.

It's hard to hold onto the thought that right here, right now, I am doing *exactly* what I need to be doing to shape my future. I can't change the past and I can't rush through the present. It's a process and there aren't the short-cuts I find myself rushing to find.

Issues On The Horizon (With Nothing On The Horizon)

Almost a week into my therapist's challenge. It's up and down- at times I feel relieved that there aren't expectations of me beyond taking one class a week and not rushing into more. The rest of the time I am left feeling empty, hopeless and guilty for not moving faster towards bigger goals. "Baby steps" is all fine and well, but it is incredibly frustrating. It's been hard to feel optimistic, to find reasons to eat, to look forward to things because I don't feel like any immediate goals are on the horizon.

Today was the first day of my class- I was very tempted to not go. To be honest, I contemplated lying to my family and saying I had enrolled but doing something different entirely. When I left the house this morning, I wasn't sure if I would make it or if I'd just go for a walk instead. I went, and am glad I did. It was a REAL struggle to concentrate- it's pretty heavy going for what I thought would be just "interesting". I think I'll enjoy it- the challenge will be to accept my limits, accept that I don't know anything about the subject, accept that it's OKAY to not understand everything 100% straight off the bat, and most importantly of all...to accept the class at face value. It's 2 hours a week for 11 weeks. I don't need to take it to degree level, make a career out of it. I can just go to class, take in what I can, read up as much/little as I want and see if my interest and understanding grows or fades.

The other issue is the depression aspect. This challenge aside, the past week has really highlighted that there is NOTHING right now that I am looking forward to, excited about, planning for. That has been a big downfall for me in the past in terms of my eating habits- there's no concrete reason to eat, so why bother? I need to figure out how I make self-care an independent thing. NOT conditional on a job, a move, a relationship. How I do it for ME because *I* believe I am worth it.

I'm not sure how to get to that point, but I can see the patterns of struggling, restricting, placing hopes on something external, doing better, finding out that the external factor isn't what I hoped, stopping eating, giving up on the "dream" and falling back to square one. Time after time after time.

I NEED to change things. I need to find a way to give myself permission to eat, to be healthy. Without conditions on that. It's such a difficult concept to grasp, and honestly? I find it hard to fathom how other people do it. I honestly do not understand how people justify it to themselves...or how they do it automatically without questioning whether or not they "deserve" to do something so basic as EAT.

My Inner Child

A therapist once suggested to me that I think of my own needs as those of a child. That I get in touch with the younger version of myself- nurture her, take care of her, help her. I thought it was a nice idea in theory. But really? I hate her. I hate her whining, her neediness, her constant wanting. Wanting food, attention, love, affection. I hate that she exists, and demands the things that I don't want to give her. I hear her crying out for something and I want to turn away and ignore her. I see her tears, I watch her starve, I feel her hands reaching out to me... I don't want her to exist.

I can't feed her.
I can't listen to her.
I can't help her.
I can't be around her.

Why not? She irritates me. She is demanding things that to me, are a luxury. Not a right. Love, attention, friendship, relationships, happiness, food- none of it is a given. For me, it needs to be earned. I wasn't born with the right to be taken care of, and I sure as hell haven't earned that right.

This child is me. Begging, pleading, screaming. And being ignored. She's worthless. Useless. Stupid. Overly demanding. Selfish. She cries that this is unfair- she is lonely, tired, hungry, scared, sad. I don't care. I hate her.

I want her to go away with her hopes and dreams and fairytale life she has fantasised about. I want her to leave me alone and accept that I will never give her what she wants. I want her to disappear without trace, as if she was never even here to begin with.

Fade away. Until nothing is left.

Epiphanies All Round...

I realized tonight that I base my entire self-worth on other people's opinions of me. Do you think I am good enough to do xxx job? Do you think I am the best harpist in this competition? Do you think my life is worth saving? I put myself into situations, not consciously, but time and time again, purely to see how other people perceive me.

My self-esteem is non-existent, and I rely on others to validate me.

Am I a good enough person to be given that award/medal/job/prize? Is my existence valuable enough that you are willing to step in and stop me from killing myself? Then I resent either outcome. I don't get the job/prize/whatever, and it further fuels my destructiveness. "I KNEW I wasn't good enough". If I DO get what I really want, then it just screws with my head. "They made a mistake/they have ulterior motives/they don't see me for what I really am".

Will I ever feel good enough? Not likely. I aim for perfection and discover it's a moving target. I keep moving the target. Okay, I won X competition, but now I need to win Y. I lost Xlbs, now I need to lose XXlbs. I'll never be good enough to meet my own standards.

It's a losing battle. The more I achieve, the more I strive, and the more I strive, the more I set myself up to fail. The more I fail, the more destructive I become and the cycle feeds off itself.

I KNOW this rationally.

What I don't know is how to change it.

How to lower my expectations/standards. How to accept myself for how I am. How to be happy with what I've got. How to value myself enough to not rely on others to determine what I'm worth.

emotional mind, yo...

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) operates on the basis that there are 3 states of mind one can be in:-
1) Rational Mind (disconnected, cold, detached)
2) Emotional Mind (ruled by feelings, impulsive)
3) Wise Mind (present, in touch with feelings AND the reality of the situation, collected, in control, thinking clearly/calmly- basically a combination of emotional and rational mind)

There's more to it than that, but that's enough for now.

I seem to spend the majority of my time in "emotional mind". This serves me well when it comes to creative projects (dance, art, music) but not so well when it comes to living a normal* life. When it comes to other people, situations that don't directly affect me, etc, I am perfectly capable of staying calm and "wise". With myself though, I find it impossible to disentangle myself from my high-flying emotions and handle...well...life. The smallest events trigger intense reactions. I over-react, make impuslive decisions and generally just do a lot of stuff I come to regret later. I know this about myself in theory, but IN those moments, I genuinely believe I am being completely rational/reasonable.

I'm also learning that I leave myself open to becoming overwhelmed. I don't get enough sleep, I consume insane amounts of caffeine, my diet is pretty appalling, I exercise far too much considering my diet/health status- just overall don't take care of myself properly because something inside makes me think that those ways of handling situations are what helps me hold things together. It's a viscious cycle (and one that I'm not quite sure I know how to break, though you'd think after godknowshowmanyhours of therapy, I'd have some answers?.)

Note To Emotional Self from Rational Self: look after yourself better and stop winding up in this same situation, again, and again, and again...


* I'm not entirely sure what "normal" is