Monday, 3 March 2008

Whose Life Is This Anyway?..

"Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm."

I want to say that things are going really well. That life's great, my job is amazing, my social life has never been better and my creativity is soaring high, taking me to places I only ever dreamed of. None of that would be true. It seems that whilst things are going well on one level, on another, they are falling apart. I'm not sure exactly how one feeds into the other- whether or not there is some kind of correlation between things going well/me starting to crumble. My guess is that there are a hundred therapists out there that would like to say that I like to suffer and therefore "punish" myself when my life is not overly messy for once. My theory is that I am a terrible multitasker. Plain and simple. I can't do too many things at once. I can focus 100% on something and do it amazingly well, using my powers (A-HA!) for good or evil (for lack of a better word!) but as soon as I take on more than one thing, my focus switches onto my new/exciting project and I forget about the other balls I am juggling.

Example: When I've been in hospital and had nothing else to focus on but recovery, I do really well. I work hard, I do my affirmations, I eat properly, sleep well- basically become a master or everything which does not come second nature to me (for some unknown reason). Then I leave, and think, "okay- back in the real world, I'll get a job!". Fine in theory, oh-so-much harder in practice. Immediately my focus switches. MUST.EXCEL.AT.WORK. I work 24/7, go the extra mile, rush into the office 2 hours early, stay up late doing additional work. I stop sleeping ("I don't have TIME anymore") I stop eating ("far too busy to think about food"*) and eventually I wind up in a situation where I have to quit working and go back to basics. How To Eat 101.

I wonder how people do actually manage to *live*- to juggle work, social life, hobbies, relationships, responsibilities, etc, whilst also managing to get a decent amount of sleep, food, air. I feel rather dysfunctional in comparison. How they deal with the ups and downs of life without calling into work sick and walking until they crack bones in their ankles. How they deal with the hum-drum mundaneness that is so often *life* without daydreaming about starving themselves to death. How do people function? Or do they just NOT function in a slightly less obvious way?

Whose to say what's normal?

Maybe what I am doing is the same as everybody else. Maybe everyone else also feels the same inadequacies, inability to cope, utter panic and overwhelming anxiety at the future ahead of them. Maybe they just deal with it differently?.. Or maybe they don't deal with it at all? Maybe they just hope that things will work out? Maybe they are happy deep down with who they are and so nothing else really shakes them to their core.

Maybe my problem really is just that I base my entire self-worth on external aspects of life and believe that I cannot afford to do anything less than 100%- I don't matter as a person so if I stop eating/sleeping, it's not a big deal. Screwing up at work? THAT'S a big deal. Hurt somebody's feelings? DISASTER. My life really isn't about *me* at all.

* the irony is, as anyone who is familiar with the
Minnesota Starvation Study will know, a starving body/mind thinks of nothing BUT food

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