Up and Down and Round Again

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up

roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 left...so by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!

Pushing Limits and Setting Boundaries

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was annoyed with myself for a few reasons, and worried about friends and that I had stepped on people's toes yesterday.

I got up around 5am and sat smoking and drinking coffee and thinking. I was reading my old posts from when I was very active in eating disorders message boards where there are a lot of people not even contemplating recovery, and the shift in focus on my blog when my attention was drawn to the more recovery orientated blogging community.

I guess I am scared that I look to blogs a little too much for support and motivation, and I am worried that MY recovery is going to be dependant on other people's. Of course, that will never work- I need to OWN my recovery and be doing it for ME. Doing it for myself isn't the same as doing it by myself and I need to figure out a way to set some boundaries with myself regarding where I draw the line between using support whilst still remaining independently recovering. Does that make any sense?..

This is definitely an issue I have struggled with in the past- doing what everyone around me is doing because...well, if they can do it, so can I. It's hard for me to separate myself from anyone/everyone around me, and do what is right for ME- especially when I am struggling and either looking for justification for my behaviour, or reason to change. It's also been hard for me to feel good about myself/where I am when I go down the road of comparing myself to people who I was at school with and are now doctors/lawyers/architects, married, happy.

Essentially I think the problem is that I have no idea who I am, what I want or where I am going and I'm trying too hard to fit in where I perhaps don't really belong. Part of this is the huge ambivalence I apparently have towards recovery- don't get me wrong, I WANT to be free from anorexia, but struggle a lot with giving up the behaviours. for this reason, I don't fit in with the friends I have that don't want to get well, and I don't fit in with the friends I have who are actively making changes because I'm somewhere in between.

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and give myself permission to eat/stop exercising/do XYZ because that is what my role models do and I really struggle to stay focused on my recovery when I see that the people I look up to are human too. And that's perfectly OKAY- the problem isn't THEM, it's my perception. I am fully aware of this.

This is not a criticism of anyone in particular, except myself- not even criticism so PLEASE don't see it that way. Merely an observance of my own thoughts, feelings, actions and a look at where I am right now. Food and weight issues aside, there is a hell of a lot of work I need to be doing with regards to recovery.

Anyway, onto my fun stuff...


Cheese is a bit of a "fear food" for me, so I decided I was going to incorporate it somehow into today's food. What did I come up with?

Apple cheddar oatmeal.

In the mix:

• 1/3 cup oats cooked in water
• apple
• cinnamon
• 1oz cheddar

I've never had apples with cheese before, but heard it was good- and it WAS! Love sweet + savoury combinations! Close up of the mixed-up cheesy goodness...


And due to Clif-burnout, a new snack :)



And finally, a quote I came across this morning...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

The Right Path

Thank you SO much for the encouragement you gave me regarding my anxieties about moving. I am SO excited to have my own place and I *know* that restricting/relapsing is going to wind up with me miserable and not able to make the most of the opportunities that I have in the coming months.

I need to stay on track for ME- why? Because I have had enough of anorexia. I have had enough of the endless thoughts about food and weight, the obsessing over minimal amounts of calories and balancing nutrients. I know where anorexia leads me, and it's not a path I want to keep going down... It's hard enough to stay on the right path without making it harder for myself by straying every chance I get.

I want freedom to LIVE in this world, not just exist from one doctor's appointment to the next, one medical crisis to the next. I want to eat peanut butter in my oatmeal and grab a sandwich when I am out with friends.

I want to smash down the walls that anorexia has built around me- yes, the voice can be seductive at times, but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it.

I want a healthy mind and I want a healthy body. I want to feel and act my age instead of shrivelling down into a child-sized body. I want to take up the space in this world that is ME sized, not the size anorexia leads me to believe is all I am worth.

When anorexia is digging it's claws in, that's when I need to fight for what I know, deep down, is what the "real ellie" wants. Health, happiness, freedom. Giving into temptation once or twice? Not okay. It just makes it easier to carry on down that road and the time has come to break away and focus on the direction I want to be heading.

I may not have someone around my new apartment to be accountable for, but it doesn't matter. I am accountable to ME ultimately. I know whether I am eating enough, exercising enough. I know what constitutes a meal, what a healthy amount of exercise is. And more importantly, I know that there are far more interesting things to be focusing on than a number on a scale.

Fear Of Failure

Yesterday's post reminded me of the quote, "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

I've talked before about how much of a perfectionist I am, how I set myself up for "failure" by striving towards standards I can never meet, how I never feel good "enough".

When I was younger, I worked hard at school and my music and would interpret it as a major catastrophe if I didn't excel...even 100% wasn't enough. I always felt I could have done better. Since my eating disorder became a major issue in my life, aside from the perfectionistic drive towards food/weight goals, things have changed. I'm now almost scared to TRY because I *know* I won't meet the standards I set. The thought of not being good enough has prevented me from doing countless things- applying for jobs, going back to school, etc. The times I HAVE taken on jobs or returned to studying, regardless of how well I am doing, the fear that I'll be "caught out" as some kind of fraud who is deep down completely useless, is paralysing. My anorexia has flourished during these times- it just seems easier to have to quit the job/drop out of school because I am sick rather than wait for a time when I have to face the fact that I am too stupid/lazy/useless. I should point out that I've never waited very long- I can be getting 100% on every test, but it feels false, like NEXT time I'll fail, and it hasn't been a risk I've wanted to take. By retreating into the shadow of anorexia, I have a valid excuse to not go any further and avoid the risk of failure.

I'm not quite sure how to get over this hurdle. I need to figure out a way to stop worrying so much- it doesn't MATTER if I am not absolutely perfect. Nobody IS! So easy to say, yet so much harder to believe and accept. I need to find a way to value myself outside of external achievements...to know that I deserve to eat, be healthy and happy, regardless of what position I hold/what awards I have won. To take pleasure in the things I do, and like I mentioned recently, ENJOY THE RIDE without so much anxiety over the ultimate results.

Question of the day: What have you done recently that you were scared of even attempting in case it didn't go to plan?..

Goooooood Mornin' Blogosphere!

First of all, I want to say a HUGE thank-you to the people who commented and emailed me after yesterday's post. Seems like I am definitely far from alone in feeling unworthy/undeserving.

I was thinking about this more last night, and wondering if it all goes in a circle- I know when I am not taking care of myself, it reinforces the feelings and thoughts that I don't deserve to be taken care of, and so the circle goes round and round.

My dad always used to say, "fake it till you make it" and I'm wondering if that might be worth a shot...

So, today I have decided to act "AS IF". As if I DO deserve to be kind to myself. I didn't have anything concrete planned, but I am going to go relax in Starbucks, relax in a bookstore and do some window shopping. No big deal, perhaps, but things I don't normally let myself do.

What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today?..(and if ED asks you why? The response: "because I'm worth it")

I Think I'll Just Eat Worms

Day 2 of no over-walking and I'm going strong, guys! My ankles are feeling a little better thankfully. Aaaaaaand, the world is still turning, my clothes still fit and nothing majorly disastrous has happened as a result of me.slowing.down. 'Tis all good on that front.

Today's actually been a pretty good day. I'm just feeling more on top of things, more at ease with the present moment, more "okay" with just *being*, and accepting things as they are right now. Still aware of progress to be made, but not quite as frustrated with how long that takes/ready to pack it in because it's too hard. Kinda rollin' with the punches.

Something I am struggling with at the moment is the feeling of being invisible, of not being special, important, good- a good friend, a good student, a good patient, a good sister, a good "recoverer", a "good" anorexic (I know there is no such thing, but ya know what I mean!)

This has been something I've really struggled with for...uh...forever. Not so much a need to stand out, but the need to feel like I am a worthwhile person. My eating disorder definitely came into this because it gave me a focus, something I was good at, something that didn't need other people to give me credit for. A stumbling block I have come up against time and time again in recovery has been loving ME for being ME. Being able to take care of myself because I'm worth it. NOT because I won a competition or got good grades, or because I was invited to a party or because someone told me I am loved. Just doing it because I value myself enough to not care so much about what's going on around me.

I've been to self-esteem group therapy, read the handouts, recited my affirmations. But honestly? Deep down I feel like it doesn't apply to ME. Yes, others, I can see that. But I feel like the reason I don't have self-esteem is because I genuinely am not worth it.

I never really paid attention in therapy to self-esteem groups or books or anything because I felt like I didn't have self-esteem because I knew a truth about myself that others didn't see!

This isn't a shameless plug for people to say I rock (lol), but has anyone else dealt with this and managed to find a way to at least LIKE themselves?

I feel kind of stupid even asking, because I read your blogs and think you are all amazing, but was curious if it is just me.

Tell Me What I'm Worth

Yes, you. The pieces of plastic, wires and metal welded together, placed oh-so-carefully at the foot of my bed. Tell me if I am good enough, worthy of eating, worthy of having fun, worthy of sitting and watching TV instead of exercising. Tell me if I am taking up too much space, tell me if I should skip a snack later. Tell me if it's okay to put dressing on my salad, milk in my cereal. Tell me if I am safe, tell me if it's going to be a good.

While you are at it, can you predict Saturday night's lottery numbers? Perhaps the weather for tomorrow? Can you tell me what the score for the game on Sunday will be?

What's that? A "no"? You can't predict the future? Oh, I get it. You can only measure ME. My worth, my value, my place in this world. You can only tell me the stuff I can figure out myself or with the help from my friends and family.

Yes, yes, I hear what you are saying. I need to know, every day, the second I wake up, what you have to say about the day ahead. How you see it panning out. I need your flashing number embedded in my brain as I go about my day. Or do I?

************

Why do we give so much power to something so worthless? Sure, scales can be helpful. I can't bake muffins without them. They can measure, in a limited capacity, health. But not really. They don't tell you if you have lost 5lbs of water weight or if someone yanked out your spleen during the night. Just that there is a 5lb difference. They can't tell me if my heart and kidneys have grown stronger or if that 2lb difference is due to the soda I just drank. They are really very limited indeed. And yet, every.damn.morning, I stand tenderly on the surface. Scared of what it will tell me, scared of how the information will be interpreted in my head, scared of the shape my day will take if the number is "wrong" (note to self: it's always wrong, because there IS no "right").

Heh. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow is a scale-free day. I'm not going to abandon you forever, but I'm going to try a day without your input. No, I won't magically balloon up in one day without your shadow cast over me for one day. The world won't end, my day won't be chaotic and crazy and out of control. I'll be exactly the same, just with a little more peace of mind.

Issues On The Horizon (With Nothing On The Horizon)

Almost a week into my therapist's challenge. It's up and down- at times I feel relieved that there aren't expectations of me beyond taking one class a week and not rushing into more. The rest of the time I am left feeling empty, hopeless and guilty for not moving faster towards bigger goals. "Baby steps" is all fine and well, but it is incredibly frustrating. It's been hard to feel optimistic, to find reasons to eat, to look forward to things because I don't feel like any immediate goals are on the horizon.

Today was the first day of my class- I was very tempted to not go. To be honest, I contemplated lying to my family and saying I had enrolled but doing something different entirely. When I left the house this morning, I wasn't sure if I would make it or if I'd just go for a walk instead. I went, and am glad I did. It was a REAL struggle to concentrate- it's pretty heavy going for what I thought would be just "interesting". I think I'll enjoy it- the challenge will be to accept my limits, accept that I don't know anything about the subject, accept that it's OKAY to not understand everything 100% straight off the bat, and most importantly of all...to accept the class at face value. It's 2 hours a week for 11 weeks. I don't need to take it to degree level, make a career out of it. I can just go to class, take in what I can, read up as much/little as I want and see if my interest and understanding grows or fades.

The other issue is the depression aspect. This challenge aside, the past week has really highlighted that there is NOTHING right now that I am looking forward to, excited about, planning for. That has been a big downfall for me in the past in terms of my eating habits- there's no concrete reason to eat, so why bother? I need to figure out how I make self-care an independent thing. NOT conditional on a job, a move, a relationship. How I do it for ME because *I* believe I am worth it.

I'm not sure how to get to that point, but I can see the patterns of struggling, restricting, placing hopes on something external, doing better, finding out that the external factor isn't what I hoped, stopping eating, giving up on the "dream" and falling back to square one. Time after time after time.

I NEED to change things. I need to find a way to give myself permission to eat, to be healthy. Without conditions on that. It's such a difficult concept to grasp, and honestly? I find it hard to fathom how other people do it. I honestly do not understand how people justify it to themselves...or how they do it automatically without questioning whether or not they "deserve" to do something so basic as EAT.

Epiphanies All Round...

I realized tonight that I base my entire self-worth on other people's opinions of me. Do you think I am good enough to do xxx job? Do you think I am the best harpist in this competition? Do you think my life is worth saving? I put myself into situations, not consciously, but time and time again, purely to see how other people perceive me.

My self-esteem is non-existent, and I rely on others to validate me.

Am I a good enough person to be given that award/medal/job/prize? Is my existence valuable enough that you are willing to step in and stop me from killing myself? Then I resent either outcome. I don't get the job/prize/whatever, and it further fuels my destructiveness. "I KNEW I wasn't good enough". If I DO get what I really want, then it just screws with my head. "They made a mistake/they have ulterior motives/they don't see me for what I really am".

Will I ever feel good enough? Not likely. I aim for perfection and discover it's a moving target. I keep moving the target. Okay, I won X competition, but now I need to win Y. I lost Xlbs, now I need to lose XXlbs. I'll never be good enough to meet my own standards.

It's a losing battle. The more I achieve, the more I strive, and the more I strive, the more I set myself up to fail. The more I fail, the more destructive I become and the cycle feeds off itself.

I KNOW this rationally.

What I don't know is how to change it.

How to lower my expectations/standards. How to accept myself for how I am. How to be happy with what I've got. How to value myself enough to not rely on others to determine what I'm worth.

Whose Life Is This Anyway?..

"Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm."

I want to say that things are going really well. That life's great, my job is amazing, my social life has never been better and my creativity is soaring high, taking me to places I only ever dreamed of. None of that would be true. It seems that whilst things are going well on one level, on another, they are falling apart. I'm not sure exactly how one feeds into the other- whether or not there is some kind of correlation between things going well/me starting to crumble. My guess is that there are a hundred therapists out there that would like to say that I like to suffer and therefore "punish" myself when my life is not overly messy for once. My theory is that I am a terrible multitasker. Plain and simple. I can't do too many things at once. I can focus 100% on something and do it amazingly well, using my powers (A-HA!) for good or evil (for lack of a better word!) but as soon as I take on more than one thing, my focus switches onto my new/exciting project and I forget about the other balls I am juggling.

Example: When I've been in hospital and had nothing else to focus on but recovery, I do really well. I work hard, I do my affirmations, I eat properly, sleep well- basically become a master or everything which does not come second nature to me (for some unknown reason). Then I leave, and think, "okay- back in the real world, I'll get a job!". Fine in theory, oh-so-much harder in practice. Immediately my focus switches. MUST.EXCEL.AT.WORK. I work 24/7, go the extra mile, rush into the office 2 hours early, stay up late doing additional work. I stop sleeping ("I don't have TIME anymore") I stop eating ("far too busy to think about food"*) and eventually I wind up in a situation where I have to quit working and go back to basics. How To Eat 101.

I wonder how people do actually manage to *live*- to juggle work, social life, hobbies, relationships, responsibilities, etc, whilst also managing to get a decent amount of sleep, food, air. I feel rather dysfunctional in comparison. How they deal with the ups and downs of life without calling into work sick and walking until they crack bones in their ankles. How they deal with the hum-drum mundaneness that is so often *life* without daydreaming about starving themselves to death. How do people function? Or do they just NOT function in a slightly less obvious way?

Whose to say what's normal?

Maybe what I am doing is the same as everybody else. Maybe everyone else also feels the same inadequacies, inability to cope, utter panic and overwhelming anxiety at the future ahead of them. Maybe they just deal with it differently?.. Or maybe they don't deal with it at all? Maybe they just hope that things will work out? Maybe they are happy deep down with who they are and so nothing else really shakes them to their core.

Maybe my problem really is just that I base my entire self-worth on external aspects of life and believe that I cannot afford to do anything less than 100%- I don't matter as a person so if I stop eating/sleeping, it's not a big deal. Screwing up at work? THAT'S a big deal. Hurt somebody's feelings? DISASTER. My life really isn't about *me* at all.


* the irony is, as anyone who is familiar with the Minnesota Starvation Study will know, a starving body/mind thinks of nothing BUT food