Keep The Faith

Thank you so much for your support yesterday! I woke up today still feeling really down and decided I had 2 choices- I could hide away from the world and just sit under the 'cloud' or I could force myself to act "as if" and go about the things I had planned for the day. It was a tough call! I sat for 2 hours trying to come up with an excuse for not going to work, then realised that I *did* sit with my feelings yesterday. I got through the day, but didn't feel better this morning. So time for a different tactic: I put on a happy face (and a DRESS!) and went to work. Sunshine + being around 'normal' people + feeling productive/useful = much better mood. Result!



Onto today...

I've been thinking about what feels so different this attempt at recovery because I am certainly facing different challenges than I have encountered before. The big difference is that this time I am NOT trying to recovery because of some concrete goal I have in mind- every other time my primary motivation has been because I wanted to move back to New York. A great goal, but my recovery has always been based on something not entirely within my control and the problem with that is that if/when the external world gets shaky (as it often does- it's LIFE), my recovery falls apart. This time my motivation for recovery is different- I am recovering because I am sick of my eating disorder. That doesn't make it easier- in some ways, it's harder. I can't stick up photos of New York around my apartment, I can't picture anything solid in my head when I have urges to restrict... I have to just hold on to HOPE rather than something tangible like a clear image of the life I want. Because I don't KNOW what kind of life I want- I just know that anorexia isn't it.. I need to sit with the uncertainty, accept that anorexia has put blinkers on my vision and just cling to the belief that recovery has more to offer than anorexia does. Which I do truly believe, but I still sometimes think it would be easier to justify eating/being healthy if there was something more 'solid' to give that justification.

I guess I am taking a leap of faith. Hoping and believing that recovery has more to offer even if I don't know what that 'more' is, whilst knowing that anorexia is doing nothing more than making me trapped. I don't NEED answers right now. I want answers and conclusions and everything mapped out in a nice strategic plan- it doesn't work like that. All I can do is live the questions and find the answers along the way...

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Food...


You know the drill- banana pumpkin oats with white chocolate peanut butter. This never gets old!

Lunch was one of my new wraps- which I managed it wrap without it falling apart! (Are you impressed Jaime? :P )

Curried chicken salad (with raisins + dried apricots) and spinach on Joseph's lavash flat bread. LOVED it- I am a little obsessed with wraps. I like stuff that is 'fun' to eat... textures, shapes, etc.

Snack was a mini chocolate chip Clif bar with white chocolate peanut butter.


These were to be used by May 8th- I know some of you said bars are good for a while after the 'used by' dates, but I am terrified of food poisoning so adhere pretty rigidly to dates on food. I have one more bar to be used ASAP! Do you stick to the dates on food? I usually just make sure I use things up or throw it away, but I hate wasting food and hadn't noticed the dates on these in time- this is living on the edge' for me!

Pull Out An Umbrella? Or, Dance In The Rain?

My mood crashed last night as it does most evenings. I usually wake up feeling more refreshed and energized, but I woke up feeling like there was a cloud hanging over my head. I wanted to force it away, to 'pull myself together' and get on with what I had planned for the day but I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that seems to have taken over my brain during the night. Nothing is really 'wrong'- I just feel down. It's hard when there is no trigger for an emotion- you can' rationalise it or think it through. It's just THERE, permeating every breath, every muscle, every thought, every moment.

My normal way to handle this would be to exercise- walk until I was too tired to think or feel anymore. Bury my head in notepads making meal plans and force my brain to focus on micro nutrients rather than face up to how bad I felt.

I didn't do either today. I went for a walk, taking my cloud with me. We explored a new area of town and bought a jar of peanut butter (finally found PB and Co again!). We went to TK Max to look for a spring jacket. We had a long shower and cleaned the apartment. Me and the cloud. It's still there. I still feel sad. But I'm just accepting that for now, this cloud is present. I don't have to run away from it or block it out- I can just see it for what it is, and wait for it to move on.

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Some food?

I couldn't resist buying these when I saw them the other day in the store.


Sausage rolls (do you guys call them something else?) always remind me of picnics and birthday parties when I was really little. I didn't know if I'd still like them, but they were delicious and a nice trip down memory lane.


With roasted asparagus and steamed green beans. Still no luck hunting down Amy's meals, but Quorn products are quickly becoming a staple in my diet.

Breakfast was cheesecake mashed/melted banana mixed with bran flakes and Fage cherry twin pot, mixed together and soaked overnight. I KNOW it looks gross, but trust me- it's AMAZING!


Snack:


Served warm... I like the cinnamon roll flavour much better, but there is something awesome about the texture of these bars. It's kind of like a half-baked cookie and so fun to eat!

Happy Hump Day everyone! (Nobody in the UK says 'hump day' and my mom always thinks I am being rude, haha...)

Elements Of Choice

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the element of choice when it comes to eating disorders. It seems we are all in agreement that nobody CHOOSES to develop an eating disorder- things happen, consequences occur. Whatever the reasons behind developing an eating disorder (or ANY kind of illness), bottom line is that nobody opted to get into this situation. I have often wondered, "why me?" but that doesn't get me far- stuff happened and I dealt with it as best as I could. I didn't make a conscious decision to develop anorexia, the same way people don't choose to get sick for other reasons, but I think eating disorders are different in that you can choose recovery. Not easily- wanting it doesn't make it suddenly any easier. I feel like I am having to choose recovery over anorexia several times a day- I hope it gets easier until there is no internal battle going on and healthy choices come more naturally, but right now it's a constant "anorexia V recovery" battle going on in my head.

Something that is helping me right now is seeing the difference between "can't" and "won't". For YEARS I have avoided doing things because I felt I "couldn't"- there was no question about it. It just wasn't something I could manage doing. Changing the wording to "won't" feels empowering because all of a sudden, I am back in the driving seat- I am CHOOSING not to, which immediately gives me the option of choosing TO do whatever it is. "I can't eat suchandsuch a food/can't do X without doing Y"- switching it to, "I WON'T do xxx" then forces me to question what's stopping me, and making me question/challenge what it is I am choosing to do/not to do.

Thoughts on this?..

Onto food...

I CHOSE to cook last night :)


Butter beans in tomato sauce with mashed potato and steamed spinach. This was a recipe given to me years ago in treatment for when I went on a home visit for the weekend- I 've made it a lot over the years and it seems to be something I gravitate towards when I've been struggling but feel ready to take on the challenge of making a "proper" home-cooked meal. I LOVE beans in any way/shape/form- anyone got some easy bean recipes they would recommend?

Except with breakfast, because I love my breakfast foods :)

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, on top of frozen blueberries and white chocolate wonder peanut butter. Left to defrost/soak overnight and mixed together this morning. I'll spare you the picture of the 'mess' that greeted me this morning, but rest assured it tasted great!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Out With The Old, and In With...???

I think what has triggered the past few days descent into depression has been the commitment I made to maintaining my weight. My thoughts aren't so wrapped up in what/when I am going to eat and instead of numbing everything out, the old feelings of anger/pain have resurfaced. Having ruled out the option of numbing them out through restricting/exercising, I need to find new ways to face them and deal with them- or at least manage them and ride them out and hope that they dissipate. It may just be my perception of them rather than the fact that they are as horrible as they appear to be.

I pulled out my old DBT manual to get some help with this and flicked to the section on "reducing vulnerability to negative emotions". DBT is becoming a lot more widely used in the treatment of eating disorders and I find a lot of it really helpful- what I struggle with is using/practicing the skills when I am in a 'good' frame of mind because I don't see the point- then when a crisis hits, I don't have the skills to fall back on.

Anyway, the section on stabilising emotions is pretty basic stuff in theory:-

• Treat physical illness: take care of your body. See a doctor when necessary. Take prescribed medication
• Balance eating: don't eat too much or too little. Stay away from foods that make you feel overly emotional.
• Avoid mood-altering drugs: Stay off non-prescribed drugs, including alcohol.
• Balance sleep: try to get the amount of sleep that helps you feel good. Keep to a sleep program if you are having trouble sleeping.
• Get exercise: Do some sort of exercise every day- try to build up to 20 minutes of vigorous exercise.
• Build Mastery: Do one thing a day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

These were NOT written for people with eating disorders so my adaptation of the food/exercise ones are a little different- I am definitely noticing a difference after eating certain foods in terms of energy/mood so that's a learning curve for me, and exercise is something I struggle to do in moderation but it's important for me to remember that too much is no better than too little. Balancing my intake is a work in progress but I am definitely making progress with that. I don't use alcohol or drugs but I am cutting back on my caffeine intake to avoid the energy/mood highs and lows that accompany high levels of caffeine.

On to 'mastery'. NOTHING makes me feel as good as going to bed at night feeling like I have accomplished something during the day. For years that has been very much tied into food/weight/exercise/anorexia, and is probably a huge part of the reason why I have clung to those behaviours. My voluntary job is helping, but that's only a couple of days a week. I struggle to think of things I could possibly be good at or what would be quite as satisfying as losing weight, but I need to keep reminding myself that there is NOTHING to be proud of about destroying my body. I think what's been a painful realisation the last few months is that I don't get satisfaction from that anymore. What has been such a 'purpose' for me for the last 14 years is now just an embarrassment- so I am left with the question of what WILL make me feel like I have accomplished something during the day? What is rewarding/satisfying in a healthy way for me? I think this is something a lot of people with eating disorders probably struggle with in recovery-finding something to replace what their eating disorder gave them. That's different for everyone and it's certainly a whole bunch of things for me, but one of them is definitely the feeling that it's something I am 'good' at. However maladaptive/ineffective a coping skill it WAS, it did originally serve a pupose. Not helping is the fact that I don't have a whole lot else to fall back on except my ability to lose weight. But I don't want to pursue that anymore because 1) it's boring, 2) it's not helping me feel any better anymore and 3) I want more out of life. So yeah...back to original question: how do I find things that make me feel good about myself that aren't about losing weight or exercise?..

I do have some pictures today... I am finding it really helpful to be taking photos- it kind of gives a bit extra motivation to branch out and eat different things. If it stops being helpful, I'll stop taking pictures, but for now...it's all good.

The sun is shining today (YAY!) so I made my usual lunch which I've never posted before because I have it several times a week...

Bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts topped with a mix of tuna, rice, kidney beans and salsa. Okay, a week late to pass off as a 'Cinco De Mayo' meal, but everything gets to the UK later so it's all good :P

Best snack ever:

Fage with Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Words can't describe quite how much I LOVE this granola... Thanks again, Sam!

Question: does anyone in real life know about your blog? Both my parents know about it and I know my dad reads occasionally (HI DAD!) but none of the rest of my family do.

Conflict

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

Looking Through Different Eyes

Yesterday's anxiety spiralled into a frenzy last night. I knew I should just call it a night and go to bed, but I stayed awake, curled up on the sofa writing in my "meal planner" book, throwing out food, sticking abusive notes to myself all over my apartment. I woke up this morning feeling like a different person- went to the fridge to get my overnight muesli, only to remember that in last night's rampage, I had covered the entire thing with washing-up liquid.

I walked around slowly, pulling down the notes, cleaning up and starting my week afresh.

I spent a lot of time last night looking at blog entries from a year ago when I was in New York. I noted two things:-

1. This time last year, I was writing very similar posts: the same frustrations about not being able to let go of my eating disorder and move forward once and for all- recognising baby steps, but not really making any significant changes
2. I WAS happier overall being in New York, but I wrote a lot about the anxiety and depression I was dealing with, the loneliness, rejection, stress about finding/keeping a job, health care, etc. It wasn't all as happy and wonderful as I continue to picture it to be.

So where does that leave things? I don't want to be writing the same posts a year from now. I thought I would want to be living in New York, but having re-read how I really felt/managed whilst I was there, I'm not so sure.

I am so frustrated right now- I feel like I have no goals in mind, nothing to aim for and am just drifting along for no real reason. That was the thinking behind last night's 'episode'- I figured that if I can't be normal/recovered/living a "real" life, then why even bother trying to fight this at all?..

I AM feeling better this morning. Not because I woke up having discovered my true calling in life and suddenly have goals/purpose/passions to pursue, but because I need to believe that somehow, sometime this will get easier. It's not always going to be like this- though part of my brain is screaming as I write this that things really AREN'T going to change dramatically. But that is such a defeatist attitude, such a cop-out. As long as I am around, I have a chance to change things- I guess although I am having a lot of the same thoughts as last night, instead of using it to fall head-first back into heavy ED behaviours, I'm trying to use it to propel me forward...

Before I forget, head on over to Meg's site to read a great post about living life to the fullest!

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With today's breakfast sabotaged, I kind of panicked. I didn't want to eat the breakfast I planned last night when I was in such an emotional state, so scrounged around to make up my usual calorie quota with what was lying around...

Bran flakes with Fage honey twin pot and raisins. Where would I be without Fage?! I actually found this sickeningly sweet- I love honey, but there was a LOT of it in this yogurt. I think I'll stick to the cheesecake fruit twin pots.

And BIG NEWS! My oven is FIXED! Of course, I had to test it out...

I made a sauce for the kidney beans using melted laughing cow cheese, pesto and mushrooms. With baked sweet potato half-moons. It's all about the ha-hee-hey-ho sweet po-ta-to... I forgot how much I love pesto- I find it a bit strong by itself, but combined with the creamy laughing cow cheese was delicious. This is the closest thing I have come to "cooking" in a really long time- and definitely a first time for me "experimenting" and making up some sort of recipe as I went along. Loved it :)

Question: I finally found an all natural non-soy protein powder (it's pea protein). Stellar nutritional stats, but it's unflavoured. I don't have a blender so smoothies are out- anyone got ideas for how to use it? I am wary about buying it if it's going to be gross, but open to suggestions for jazzing it up!

The Amazing Healing Power Of Sleep

I woke up feeling much better today. Never underestimate the healing powers of sleep (+ proper food!). I am always amazed by the impact physical state has on emotional state- anyone else noticed this? When I am getting adequate nutrition and rest, my thoughts are so much clearer and mood so much brighter. It's a vicious cycle when I start restricting because inevitably my sleep patterns become more disrupted leading to deeper depression/fuzzier thinking leading to falling back into old coping skills (more restricting)...it's definitely something that is easier to prevent in the first place than pull myself out of!

Work induction went well. Everyone seems really nice and am all set to start next week. There are a couple new projects starting up so it's going to be really busy- I'll just be there one morning a week initially doing admin work, then I'll increase my hours and be working more in the marketing/PR department.

In EXCITING NEWS (!), I am planning my trip to New York and can't WAIT. I am beyond excited. Dates yet to be confirmed, but I'm looking at the last week in August and first two weeks in September. Blogger meet-up anyone?

And some other oh-so-exciting stuff (who am I kidding? :P )-

Breakfast:

Banana oatmeal (oats, vanilla, mashed banana, milk) with frozen raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter. I missed my pumpkin oats- these raspberries were REALLY sour, despite the sweetness of the banana and peanut butter. I think breakfast is my favourite meal of the day- most people I know eat the same stuff for breakfasts most days (cereal and/or toast) but for me it's when I am most creative and try lots of new combinations. I also eat really early (wake up around 5:30, drink coffee then eat) so I am usually calm and the outside world is quiet and peaceful. What's your favourite meal of the day and why?

Snack:

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar spread with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Peanut butter twice in one day? Why not?!

Lunch:

Mexican bean pate and tomato sandwich. A new find! The pate was really good but somewhat unspreadable and stayed in a big slab despite my efforts to mush it around. Tasted great though! I just noticed that almost all my meals today have been BROWN. At least my sour raspberries added a splash of colour if nothing else!

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday so far- weekend is almost here! What have you got planned?

A New Week Already?

Sunday = library closed = no photos today. So sad. I do have some funky eats to show you guys so I'll let the anticipation build (it's really not very exciting at all- now if I could just give bites out through the screen, that would be something...sadly, blogspot barely does spell checks, let alone virtual dinner parties).

It's been a pretty mixed week. I've branched out with my meals/snacks a bit and put things into place so I have more structure next week. Depression and obsessional stuff is lingering in a somewhat maddening way, but I'm trying to act "as if"...kind of doing stuff even if I don't feel like it/would rather board a plane and fly away. I'm sitting still, holding tight and going through the motions of being "okay" even if I don't feel like it.

Is it just me or is this year FLYING by? I can't believe it's almost MAY already! Crazy. I'm so happy that the weather is getting warmer (YAY for lower gas bills :P )

Coming up this week...

• Monday: appointment about starting either a photography or writing course
• Tuesday: therapy
• Wednesday: internet being fixed (WOO!)
• Thursday: induction for volunteering work
• Friday: I am starting my weekend!

Hopefully a week also filled with glorious weather. A girl can dream, right? (The term "global warming" is a little misleading when it comes to Scottish weather!)

And of course, as promised, some new foods (and some old favourites brought back in- why mess with a good thing, right?)

I'm also being discharged from the Home Treatment Team this week. I have been seeing them almost daily since being discharged from hospital so it's going to be an adjusment- they come in the evenings which are my hardest time, and things have been pretty rough the days they haven't come. I'm a little apprehensive about how it's going to go, but I hope that with internet fixed (and hopefully TV soon) I'll be able to fill my time a bit more than just with cleaning/obsessing.

In other news: I have quite a lot of Clif bars at the moment- if anyone wants to do a mini trade (I have a few pumpkin spice clif bars + some British bars, and would love pureprotein bars, sandwich thins or flat-out wraps!) drop me a line!

Who To Trust?

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

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The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

• go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
• ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
• be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

Hard Travellin'

I woke up at 5 am this morning, and proceeded with my routine:

1. take vitamins
2. turn computer on
3. weigh myself
4. boil kettle
5. smoke cigarette
6. make coffee and drink whilst reading 3 specific blogs
7. eat breakfast
8. prepare food for dinner
9. smoke another cigarette

All of that went the same as it does pretty much any other day. 15 minutes later, I was huddled up against the wall, the floor around me scattered with paper, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt like my brain was literally being hacked into a thousand little pieces. I kind of lost track of time amidst crying/writing/calculating/smoking. Needless to say, by 7am I had worked myself up into quite a state. I threw on the clothes I wore yesterday, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.

More time was lost.

Somewhere along my walk I decided I should buy pasta sauce. Not just ANY pasta sauce, but a single serving of plain tomato pasta sauce. I had remembered that I had 1 portion of tortellini in the freezer and suddenly decided that it would make a perfect dinner for tomorrow. I went into about 4 different supermarkets- in each one, I found the sauce and waited in line to pay. When it was my turn, I left the queue, put the sauce back on the shelf and darted out the store with thoughts literally crashing around in my head. I cranked the volume up on my iPod and carried on walking. With hundreds of reasons to BUY the sauce and eat pasta tomorrow, and hundreds of reasons NOT to.

I don't know why this is such a bug deal. It's one meal- my dinner is the exact same thing every night at the moment and ONE night of something different is not going to have any dramatic effect on my weight, my life, the world. Yet it felt like a HUGE deal to even be contemplating eating something different. Even if the "different" thing was a regular feature in my diet 6 weeks ago.

I went back and forth in my head about last night's post- old plan, new plan, scrap the plan...fruitarian? vegan? high protein? sodium? fibre? money? I couldn't step back and see the wood for the trees. I vaguely remember sending panicky texts to my mom, then ignoring my phone when she tried to call. I remember listening to Pete Seeger singing "Hard Travelling" at full blast. I eventually answered my phone, but when my mom started to get frustrated and yelling, the noise was too much combined with the noise in my head and I hung up.

Walking, smoking, walking, smoking.

Then it hit me. I don't NEED to give up my old plan, and I don't need to leap straight into the new plan. I can gradually work towards the new plan over the coming weeks- slowly phase out my "safe" foods whilst reintroducing new ones. It seems so damn obvious now. It's only taken me 4 days to realise that it doesn't HAVE to be so black and white/all or nothing.

I feel really stupid now.

I bought the pasta sauce, came home, tidied up the masses of paper around my apartment- pulled out a new notebook and planned the next couple of weeks out. They make sense. Suddenly my world stopped spinning wildly, my heart stopped pounding and I sat on the sofa staring out the window for over an hour. Just silent, sitting, breathing.

I started having thoughts of why I need to change the plan I have right now- why it even MATTERS even more. I feel like for years I had all these great motivating goals- as time has gone by and my recovery has been up and down, I've tried out all these goals. None of them worked out or felt as good as I hoped they would. I don't really have any concrete reason to change things, to keep working towards recovery, to keep fighting the anorexic voice in my head.

Nothing 'concrete' like a specific thing I want to be able to do (move to New York, dance, etc).

I do however have this: if the sheer hell of the past few days has been caused by anorexia, then that is reason enough for me to want to break free from this once and for all.

Take Hold Of Your Mind

Thank you SO much for the support you all gave me with yesterday's post. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to say, "I've been there too" to make things feel less overwhelming and paralysing.

I had therapy today- was VERY tempted to cancel, but decided that I can't afford to skip sessions right now and I think it's the first time I went, completely willing to be 100% honest and get as much out of my 50 minute session as possible.

I was scared of being labelled as psychotic or crazy, or brushed off as being dramatic or attention-seeking. I've had a pretty rocky relationship with my therapist and have found it hard to adjust to her way of working, but as I have grown accustomed to her methods, I have found it to be more and more helpful. I tend to forget that in the lead-up to appointments and am always pretty wary of how she'll respond to me.

I basically told her exactly what I wrote last night about what's been going on. She said that she thought that life is definitely worth living, but that my current situation is likely contributing to me feeling otherwise. There is great benefits to talking to someone who has known me for a long time, knows my patterns, my history- she thought that perhaps the intrusive thoughts I am having may be serving a similar purpose to that which anorexia provides. Distraction from the very real obstacles (isolation, lack of structure, loneliness, adapting to living on my own). We talked about how I have had similar experiences in the past and I often brushed it off saying, "if only I lived by myself...", thus avoiding doing much about the situation except looking to an external solution.

We also talked about applying DBT to this and how a lot of things I am doing to "cope" are making things a lot worse for me. She set out some very clear goals to hopefully help me right now. I sensed an urgency when she spoke, and almost felt threatened, but I guess it's a good thing that she feels the same way about this not being allowed to continue spiralling.

The first ones are around food and weight. We don't generally discuss this in my sessions- her theory being that I have spent so much time talking about it in treatment and read so much about it that further discussion is pointless. I pretty much agree so was surprised when she stated, point-blank, that I need to get a grip on this. Now. There is no doubt in my mind that she is right, but I'm not sure exactly what to do about my intake right now- what to change/add. I have no doubt that it's necessary, and I am willing to do *anything* at this point to regain some semblance of sanity, but am struggling to keep my intake consistent as it is, never mind add in more food. I've cut down on caffeine and liquids to help with the constant nausea I've had this week (anxiety/depression I am guessing) but not sure how else to manage this. I'll give it some thought (ideas welcome!)

The other one was about taking hold of my mind. I've learned about this in DBT, and basically it involves staying in the present moment and not getting swallowed up my anxieties or memories. Staying in the "here and now"- we talked about grounding techniques and things I can do before I am transported to some other dimension. We also discussed pushing away thoughts and delaying actions- none of the urges I have need to be acted on *immediately*. It's okay to just BE. Put worrying on tomorrow's "to do" list- take each moment as it comes, focus on what is going on around me...the smell of my pot-pourri, the fluffy carpet under my feet, the warm cup of coffee in my hand.

How do you stay in the present moment when your thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour?

Lara left me a great comment on yesterday's post which I wanted to highlight:

I know from experience that sometimes when you really really struggle like this,
you are actually breaking through to a point of healing and getting better. I
hope that is what this is for you- the storm before the sun rises.

I was thinking about this after therapy and think it's definitely true. Like I said, it was the first time I went into a session ready and willing to take on board WHATEVER advice my therapist had to offer.

Here's to a great weekend!

C'est la Vie

I'm trying to break things down and figure out why my mood has plummeted the last couple of days. I don't know if it's been triggered by the upheaval from the endoscopy and disruption in routine, or if last week's episode has really hit me hard that things aren't going as well as I like to believe, but I honestly don't know. I've been reading old posts and trying to figure out what went wrong and where, but I think I am just over-analyzing and not really getting anywhere.

I think if you look at something long enough and hard enough, you start to notice flaws. Whether it's in a belief system that you once thought foolproof, or a relationship: if you LOOK for faults, you are pretty much guaranteed to find them. Nothing is perfect.

As a self-confessed perfectionist, that's not an easy pill to swallow. I want things to match up, to look pretty, to make nice sparkly patterns. I want sunshine and rainbows, and life doesn't WORK like that. It CAN'T work like that, because...it's life. And nothing can or ever will be perfect.

Maybe it's time to reassess what I am looking for, the outline I want my life to form, rather than the precise details I conjure up in me head which will never be a reality.

Then I can start piling up my imperfect blocks to shape some sort of meaningful existence, and not worry so much if it isn't the ideal existence I hoped to live.

What do you want to be doing 5 years from now?

Going backwards scares me. Standing still scares me (and bores me). Which leaves just one direction to go: forward. One way or another. Without a map- finding my OWN way, following my OWN path. One that is realistic for ELLIE- the "ellie" that I am still creating... Making it up as I go along, embracing uncertainty, dancing alongside the trivial and mundane parts of life, while relishing the wonderful parts and holding onto whatever strength I have through the crappy parts.

Because a life with no 'downs' would have no 'ups'.

Does The Past Dictate The Future?

Thank you so much for your support with yesterday's post- I am so amazed by how the blogging community has so much wisdom and advice...you guys are beyond great :)

*potentially triggering post- mentions behaviours*

I thought more about what I had written as your comments landed in my inbox. I think I am just a little disheartened right now. Between the ages of 12 and 19, I pretty much lived in hospital. I fell into a pattern of either eating disorder behaviours, or self-harming and suicide attempts. NEVER both at the same time.

Between the ages of 19 and 25, my eating disorder was at the forefront of my behaviours and self-harming completely vanished. I guess I hoped, when I signed myself into the inpatient program in New York KNOWING I would be giving up my eating disorder, that I would have somehow "grown out" of the mood swings and impulsivity I dealt with as a teenager. I hadn't, and once again, was...ah... I can't even describe. Unstable, to put it nicely! So it's not something I say lightly when I voice concerns about that becoming an issue at higher weights- I was all for trying again as an adult, to recover 100%, but it almost seems like I NEED my eating disorder to stay on somewhat of an even keel.

Over the last year or so, the lines have grown closer together and it doesn't feel so much like an "either or" choice. The mood swings and impulsivity have become a rather prominent feature again, despite my eating disorder still pretty much running rampant.

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I've never DEALT with the two combined. It's been one or the other. Now I feel really trapped- the only thing that helps my mood slightly is losing weight, and that is becoming shorter-lived by the day, before the depression kicks back in and my thoughts wander off again. Food and weight only distracts me for minutes before my mind drifts back to other urges.

I know my family and treatment team have always been almost 'reassured' when I am at a lower weight because they don't need to worry about self-harm or overdosing. Everyone, myself included, was pretty taken aback after the suicide attempts in October and November, and I am still trying to make sense of where that came from/why NOW/why is my eating disorder not "working" anymore.

I guess the problem comes from seeking a solution in something that can never really bring true contentment, and as long as I do little more than mask the original feelings, they will manifest in all kinds of ways.

The other concern I expressed was about how little support there is when I appear to be "healthy" and that is not just my perception. Eating disorder treatment is really hard to get in the UK in general, more so in Scotland. At a healthy weight, the little services there are will put you at the bottom of the 2 year waiting list, then offer nothing more than 6-8 CBT sessions. There is a total of 9 inpatient beds in the country for eating disorders and those are reserved for people at life-threatening low weights, who have not had the opportunity to receive inpatient treatment before. The ones the National Health Service deem "saveable", and by their definition, based on my history, I'm not.

I don't personally buy it. I preach that full recovery is possible for EVERYONE- regardless of history, circumstances, what treatment they have or haven't had. I say it and I believe it. And I don't think that ANYONE is a write-off or destined to live forever in the clutches of anorexia (or die from it) but at the same time, I feel like I have run out of options. When it comes to therapy, medication, alternative treatments, self-help... I don't know. I don't know exactly what answer I am hoping to find, or there even is an answer. Maybe my belief in recovery is as false as the weird beliefs I hold about my body or food. Maybe it just isn't on the cards for me.

But then what makes ME so different that *I* can't recover whilst everyone else is capable? To that, I have no answer. Except I look at the last 14 years, the things I have tried, the things that have helped, the things that haven't, and I don't know what conclusion to come up with.

This is all kind of doom and gloom, and it's a Friday night so I'm going to stop here (*huge sighs of relief all round*) lol. Still no photos- can you believe that my internet has cost me almost $200 since I maxed out my limit?! Criminal, I'm telling you. I can't WAIT for April 3rd when my contract kicks back in.

Oh, and the flat-out wrap was delicious! My wrapping skills remain a "work in progress", but it tasted great and that's what counts, right? :P

Stepping Back In

I've been trying to formulate a coherent post since I was discharged yesterday afternoon. I'm still trying to piece together what happened or how I actually ended up spending the weekend at the local psychiatric hospital. Needless to say, I haven't been doing as well as I like to let myself think.

Much of Friday and Saturday are a blur- I don't remember being admitted to hospital or what events occured leading up to it. It scares me that my memory of the past few days is so hazy, and that I sit here now feeling dazed and confused and trying to piece things together in a way that makes some sort of "sense". I guess things don't always make sense in a conventional meaning of the word when it comes to eating disorders, anxiety, depression, etc.

I am home, I am safe and I have more support right now than I think I have ever had, even during inpatient admissions. I have been discharged to the care of the "Intensive Home Treatment Team" who are visiting me in my apartment daily (twice today) as well as my therapist and housing support worker.

I feel like my brain has been run over by a steam-roller and feel really shaken up- living minute to minute and seem to have lost sight of the bigger picture of "recovery" right now. NOT because I have given up, but this "crisis" (for lack of a better word) is taking priority right now.

So I am back in the real world, back to my usual routine and trying to keep a lid on my anxieties and fears, and waiting until this storm passes.

My internet IS running, though until April, it's at an extortionate rate (hence lack of comments/pictures!) I am staying with my mom tomorrow night after my endoscopy (more on that another day) so I'll try to get up a more visually pleasing post :)

Pendulum Swings and Limbo

First of all, I want to say how much I appreciate your comments and kind thoughts on yesterday's post. I have been reading through them today sporadically, and it's been such a comfort to me to feel less alone with this.

Today has been a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, from one extreme to the other. I know there is no "right" way to feel right now, but I am swamped with guilt around some of the thoughts I have been having right now.

One minute I am thinking, "I wish it was me". A horrible thing to admit to- I am NOT suicidal, but I guess there is a big part of me that just wants a way out of this. I don't want to say it's the "easy way out" because I don't think anyone, my amazing friend included, would take such a decision so lightly and without thought, but having it brought 'home' somehow makes it seem like... I don't know. Not an "option" per se, but a little less of "one of those things you read about in newspapers".

Then there is this other part of me that is SO grateful to not be in that place right now. I'm stuck and I'm struggling, but I'm looking for answers, solutions, ways forward, rather than embracing the dark shadows around me. I am grateful that I didn't succeed in my last suicide attempt, grateful that I *have* what I have- ie, a chance to make things better. I don't know how or when or what that will look like, but as long as I am alive and relatively well, I have more than a fighting chance of making a life for myself.

The moments of wishing it was me are fleeting but disturbing. More disturbing due to the sheer contrast between the other thoughts about using this to really throw myself headfirst into recovery and leave this behind. Using it as fuel to fight the fire that anorexia burns, using it as momentum to swing things around and start embracing life in all it's (albeit hideous at times) glory.

Torn between darkness and light, torn between wanting to stand up and say, "Enough- I am reclaiming my LIFE" and lying down just thinking about all the people this disease claims as it's own, and wondering why I should even entertain the notion that my future won't be the same.

It's scary to think about the statistics of eating disorders- the percentage that die, the percentage that struggle for the rest of their lives. It doesn't make a pretty picture to look at the charts and tables, the graphs and results, the data, the evidence, the research studies.

But you know what? F*** it. These studies only look at small pieces of evidence. YES, eating disorders kill. Either directly as a result of the behaviour, or more subtly by eroding the soul until suicide seems like the only viable option. And I don't believe it's just a choice of recovery/sickness. I really think people make the best choice they have, based on the options they see in front of them.

So what do I see?

I see a blank canvas. I have dreams of living back in New York one day. As soon as possible. It will always be where I call "home" and it's heartbreaking for me to not be there- but it's one of my main motivations for recovery and I'm not going to get dragged down by the fact that I am NOT there, because that blocks me from taking the steps to get there.

What else do I want?

I want freedom from my rituals and obsessions. I want to be spontaneous- to grab dinner somewhere just because I am hungry and need to eat on my way to do something. I want to have friends I can meet for brunch, go to comedy clubs with, go to bookstores with, wander around and take goofy photos with. I want to go to people's houses for dinner, take day trips to the beach. I want a regular-houred office job that I LIKE (or at least, not hate), but that doesn't define who *I* am. No more "Devil Wears Prada" scenarios, but something I feel good about doing, something that interests me, something that pays enough to not have to work 16 hour days and still barely cover my rent. I want to discover what it means to me to be close to someone, to share my time and thoughts with someone who is interested in me as more than a client/patient. Someone who makes me laugh but can take me seriously when I need them to. Someone who likes falling asleep at night watching "Scrubs" and looks forward to a big cup of hazelnut coffee in the morning. I want to go on bike rides on Sunday mornings, visit farmers markets, go to swing parks and night and rock back and forth looking at the stars. I want to go camping and fall over in muddy puddles, walk in the rain and gather round a campfire at night drinking hot chocolate.

I want so much more than what anorexia will ever give me, but ultimately it comes down to this: do I want all of that more than I want to be thin?

Yes. The problem I have is believing that by giving up the body/weight control, I'll have a chance at creating the life I want. It's NOT possible to have it both ways. To "not have the cake and not eat it either" :P There is this horrible limbo period at the start of recovery, when it feels as though you are giving up the "good" parts of the eating disorder, but yet to reap any of the benefits of recovery. They come later. Much later.

How do I hold onto the bigger dreams I have for my life, whilst living through the limbo?..

Growing Up

As much as I want the FREEDOM I talked about in yesterday's post, there is obviously something holding me back. I don't know quite what it is that makes it so difficult to give up my eating disorder, as much as I want to, but there must be SOME kind of pay-off to being sick.

Perhaps it's partly habit- in terms of eating, exercise, food choices, etc. I have been stuck in patterns for so long that breaking out of the pattern feels strange and almost unnecessary (ie, why would I eat more when I am comfortable with my current intake/why would I gain weight when I am *just* accepting of the size I am now?)

But I am pretty sure there is more.

Something about facing up to life, to myself, to the world, without hiding behind my behaviours or appearance is terrifying. Life confuses me. The unpredictability, the constant changes and need to adapt, the whirlwind of emotions in everyday life, never mind the extra turmoil that major events cause. Seemingly small stresses overwhelm me- a part-time job, going out for lunch, paying bills. I feel like I am still the same 12 year old I was when this all started. As if the hands of time stopped in my internal world, leaving my completely unable to "just deal".

Of course, restricting, overexercising, bouncing in and out of hospital, etc hasn't helped the situation. The less I eat, the more overwhelmed I get, the narrower my vision gets, the less capable I am of coping with day to day life.

I know this. And yet I continue to retreat into what is familiar and predictable as soon as life gets "too much" (by "too much", I mean I stop hiding and face up to the responsibilities of adulthood and realise, I don't know what the hell I am doing- I think a lot of people probably feel the same and make it up as they go along...at least, that's what I tell myself!)

There is also the very real fear of being just as screwed up emotionally/mentally at a healthier weight, but due to looking "normal", not getting any support/help with it. The times I HAVE been at a healthier weight have been when my mood swings have been out of control, my urges to self-harm have been through the roof, and barring the suicide attempt I made last year, all the others have been when, to the outside world, I looked "healthy".

Remaining in my anorexic body is, in a way, how I can communicate and say, "I'm not doing so well". But on the other hand, I cope with things so much better when I have the starvation-induced numbness. Because I don't feel so deeply. I don't have to think about what I want to do with my life, worry about the world/my place in it/how it all comes together because all I care about is food/eating/weight.

I want a bigger life? I need to buy some bigger jeans.

So do I *want* a bigger life? Yes. Without a doubt. I want the freedom back that I wrote about yesterday, I want to sparkle and shine and have a true purpose and meaning to my days beyond that false satisfaction and security that anorexia gives me.

It's just so complicated. I don't know HOW to actually change things. How to literally scrap the life I have created for myself where there are a zillion rules and regulations, habits and compulsions, rituals and obsessions. How to create a life worth living, how to deal with life the way people my age do. How to eat properly regardless of what size jeans I am wearing, how to exercise in an appropriate way, how to fill my time, how to be ME, in a world where I have experienced all but a few months of adulthood as a patient/anorexic/crazy person.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anais Nin

Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Nin, Anaise

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.



More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.

**************

This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!


I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?


This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

• 1/3 cup oats
• skim milk
• banana
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!

A Week In Review

Thank you so much for your feedback on yesterday's post- I was worried about offending people. I have a LOT of respect for all the bloggers out there and am glad that I have your support in keeping the focus of this blog on *me* and my recovery.

So it's been a week since I moved into my apartment. It definitely feels like "home", but to be perfectly honest, I am really struggling with a few things and am surprised to look back at quite how much has changed in the past week.

I have a lot of trouble with OCD-like rituals and routines. I don't HAVE OCD, and when I am at a healthier weight, my symptoms pretty much disappear. At lower weights, they become more and more entrenched. Part of why it was so hard for me living with family was due to the fact that my obsessions and purely focused around food/drink (timings, what I do when I eat/drink, my plates/food/blah blah). It threw up a lot of challenges being with other people and the occasional disruption to my routines.

Being by myself, there ARE no disruptions. I have free reign, or at least, anorexia does. I've fallen into a very rigid structure that I didn't quite realise until last night when my mom suggested meeting for coffee on Wednesday (cue: panic/terror/"can't drink coffee at suchandsuch a place at suchandsuch a time"). I sat with the anxiety for a couple of hours, my head spinning, thoughts racing about how I would manage, how it would affect the rest of my day, etc, and eventually decided it was too much for me to deal with.

Two weeks ago, with a little notice, I could have quite easily shifted things around and gone out at a time that isn't normal for me, and now? I can't even fathom the idea of breaking my routine. I usually see my therapist on Tuesday mornings- this week it happens to be an afternoon appointment so I cancelled. I cancelled the meeting to discuss my craziness due to my craziness.

Alarm bells are going off in my head- I went on a "spree" this afternoon and cancelled my dentist appointment, the scheduled endoscopy I have next week, officially let my tutor know I am not coming back to class. Then carried on my day with my usual...

• 3pm- xxx
• 3:15- yyy
• 3:25- zzz
• 3:27- cigarette (yes, I have set times for cigarettes too)

This is just...surreal. I didn't even notice this was happening, and now am back in the rigid structure that inevitably interferes with any hope I have of branching out and doing new things. I've also (trigger warning) lost what I guess is a "considerable" amount of weight given that it's only been a week. I'm not quite sure HOW (unless cheese is some miracle weight loss food?), but there is no doubt in my mind that the rigidity correlates with the weight loss. I feel so trapped right now. Terrified to break the routines I have set up, terrified to change what I am eating, terrified to let this carry on any longer. Now that I am aware of it, I feel obligated to CHANGE it. Because it's crazy and soul-destroying and making my "home" feel more like a prison. But at the same time, I'm not even sure how this happened so have no idea where to start unravelling it. I feel like anorexia has tied me up and is hitting me with a stick right now.

I think a lot of the initial anxiety stems from being alone in an new area. I have a lot of bad memories of this city and it's been really stressful for me to be by myself in an area that I don't know- I don't know how safe it really is, I don't know who lives around here and I am not yet familiar with the buses/"escape routes". I have no reason to believe that this IS an unsafe area, but I have no proof to the contrary. Oh, ever the optimist, eh?

For those of you who have asked about where I live: it is, by definition, "supported housing". What that means is my apartment is owned by a charity (rather than landlord) and they offer support with practical (and supposedly emotional) issues. In practice, this means that a support worker comes to see me a couple of times a week and check that I am okay/point me in the direction of community activities/sort out any repairs that need done in the apartment. It's a one bedroom furnished place in a residential block.

So that's my ramble/update on where things are right now. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point- hope that in time the anxiety lessens/I feel safer and can make some changes? Set some small goals? To be honest, I am bored to tears at the thought of "baby steps". I'm tempted to just rip up the mental schedule I have and say, "to hell with it" but I'm not sure that's the most effective approach.

Ack.

I do believe that awareness is the first step to change, and at least now I see what is happening (oh awareness, how I love you- if only you were ENOUGH!)

On to more fun stuff.

I am a firm believer that if you have a specific craving, it's because your body needs some sort of nutrient. Today I had a random craving for raisins. I generally crave non-typical things: top of my list are mushrooms, dried fruit and yogurt. I can live with that.

So back to raisins. I really wanted to mix raisins with strawberry yogurt, but was waiting for my bus and didn't have much time so grabbed something new for today's snack:

I've seen these but never looked too closely because I figured if I want dried fruit, I'll incorporate it into breakfast. If I want a bar, I want some protein power. But cravings are cravings and on closer inspection, aside from the chocolate, the ingredients were just dried fruit and flax seeds.



Photogenic, no? Lol. It was "okay". I think it would be good in oatmeal or something- sickeningly sweet. And trust me- coming from the girl who puts 12 sweeteners in her coffee, that says something! Or maybe I am just used to artificial sweeteners and not so much "natural" sugar (each little finger was classed as one bar- tiny, but essentially pure dried fruit). Am I glad I tried it? Yes. Would I buy it again? Unlikely. Raisins and yogurt would have been a better choice! Edited to say: maybe it's two fingers because one bar is enough sweetness?

I did want to title this post "Ch-easy Like Monday Morning", but this was actually dinner (I told you I can't cook!) It has been in every post- I can't do cheese at breakfast! Need me some FAGE/fay-eh (or whatever it's called) in the morning.

Yes, I did it again. I think I can confidently say that I am kind of bored with this now. I stuck the rest of my bag of cheese in the freezer- assuming it will be okay? My mom freezes her kosher cheese (presumably made by milk that comes from from matzoh ball fed cows) so I think I relax in the knowledge that cheesy apple oats are in my future.

Apologies for weird formatting- blogspot is giving me no end of trouble tonight!

Choosing The Unbeaten Path

As part of my "intuitive eating" goal, I've been thinking a lot about the foods I used to eat pre-eating disorder in an attempt to get back in touch with the foods I genuinely enjoy. Of course, taste buds change over time (cold hot dogs no longer appeal!) but some of my old favourites still stand. A recent conversation with Lee also got me thinking about foods I ate in the depths of my eating disorder- not necessarily "disordered" foods per se, but in the context of my diet at the time, they certainly were. I shy away from these foods now because they remind me of a time when I was actively trying to destroy myself, and no matter how much I might still enjoy them, I can't shake off what they represent to me these days.

This has sparked a whole load of thoughts about the strong links between food and emotions, I think everyone can probably name certain foods that they see as comforting or that evoke certain memories (good or bad) and it's difficult to break away from that and see the food for all that it is, because it represents so much more.

Back to the intuitive eating goal, I am finding it really difficult to even KNOW what I enjoy eating. Taste, texture, etc- I am only now starting to rediscover my likes and dislikes and am trying to stay in the present moment and see it as "just a snack/meal" without thinking further into the last time I ate it/what else I ate that day/where I was in my disorder (or recovery) at the time. It's really HARD!

But, I think it ultimately comes down to CHOICE. I didn't choose to get sick, but I have choices now whether I push these memories aside and make new ones, whether I allow these memories/fears to dictate my choices or if I acknowledge the fear, bite the bullet and EAT IT ANYWAY. regardless of how I might feel during or after, regardless of what I ate for breakfast this time last year, regardless of whether it's raining/my ankle hurts/it's winter.

Recovery is a choice. A choice I have to consciously make, countless times every day. Each time my body sends me a signal saying it needs fuel/rest/exercise. Each time a thought pops into my head about calories, weight or the desire to fall headfirst into anorexia. I need to remind myself that I am CHOOSING to make healthy choices. It's not easy by any means and I can only hope that in time it will get easier.

I see it like this: imagine walking through a forest. You are walking down a beaten down path because it seems the obvious route. You know that it's potentially dangerous and going in the completely wrong direction, but it's the easier option that starting the arduous task of beating down your OWN path which will be hard work, but end up where you want to be going. So you start beating down your own path and start hiking. You get tired, you stray to the other a few times- but the more skilled you get at maneuvering your way through the branches and trees, the easier it gets. The thrill you then start getting from making a brand new path starts to outweigh the short-term benefit of the old path. Initially you need to really FORCE yourself to stick with your goal destination and keep ploughing down the trees...but over time, the old path holds no appeal.

So tell me: what path are you taking today, and what steps are you taking towards your destination?

On to pictures... :)



My beloved Bare Naked fruit and nut granola (I LOVE this stuff but can't get it in the UK so am rationing my sole bag for a once-a-week thing) with microwaved apple and fage...ah...




And, snackity-snack. I actually had a different bar in my hand, camera posed, then realised I wanted vanilla almond goodness! This is my LAST Luna sunrise bar- and damn, it was good! Things taste so much better when it's the specific thing you WANT!



And another collage I found whilst unpacking:



This is actually tiny (fits in my purse). I made it a few years ago when I was on a day program and struggling a lot- it opens up and on the left-hand side has a list of the "cons" of recovery and on the right-hand side is the "pros". I know it's important to focus on the "pros" but I also think it's important to recognise that anorexia has served a certain purpose for me, and it would be naive of me to just ignore that and pretend it isn't there. Because the cons DO exist (hence the ambivalence towards recovery for most sufferers at one point or another) and I think it's vital to look at and address these. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, it's all good :)