Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Not Waving, But Drowning

To say that I'm struggling would be an understatement. I'm flailing. Rather wildly. I don't quite know what's wrong, or how to fix it. I'm overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the coming months. There is a deep sense of loss over what I am leaving behind here in New York. There is the oh-so-seductive urge to self-destruct completely. Because that solves everything. Obviously.

I want, so desperately, for things to be different. I am learning (slowly!) that what I really want is for ME to be different. I want to be "normal", whatever that means. I want to be able to choose where I live, to have a job I am good at/that I enjoy, to be free from this obsession with food/weight/exercise. I want to go out with friends and not worry about what they are thinking about me, where we will go, what we will eat. I want to make plans with people without having to get up at 4am so that I have time to squeeze in my mandatory walking hours so that I "earn" the right to relax and have fun. I want freedom. I want to be peaceful.

All the things that I do to manage my anxiety/depression are making things worse and taking me further and further away from the things I want. The more despairing I feel about where I am going to live, work, etc, the more weight I lose, and the more weight I lose, the more things spiral out of control.

I say that I am trying to get a grip on things. That is partly true. I am trying to get a grip on the feelings that drive my behaviour. I am trying to get a grip on the urges to lash out at myself. I say I am trying, but my definition of trying is to choose the lesser of two evils- should I walk 12 miles or take a handful of sleeping pills? Should I skip lunch or should I walk in front of a car?

I justify my actions because obviously I am making the "healthier" choice. Healthier, yet not healthy.

Should I just suck it up, follow my meal plan, exercise a normal amount, do my therapy homework and hope that somewhere along the line I acquire the desire to actually take care of myself? Be...*gasps* self-sufficient? How dull. How self-indulgent. I can't do that. I don't know HOW. I can do it when I am locked up in a treatment center, but can't quite bring myself to save MYSELF from MYSELF. After so much therapy/treatment, I should have answers by now. I have yet to see/hear/read anything that makes it seem a more doable task.

How did this get so damn complicated?

People think I have yet to recover because I don't want it enough. They are wrong. I want it enough. I just don't think I am capable of it, or deserving of it. I don't know how to function like a non-eating disordered person. I don't know how to deal with the mood swings, depression and anxiety that my behaviour keeps a handle on. I don't know how to live...or if I even want to.

1 comment:

Sheila said...

I was kind of like that in a way when I was in college. I had this obsessive way about me in which everything had to be done routinely: I would have to wake up at a certain time, practice for 2-3 hours and then go to this class, eat only at this time and then practice, practice adn practice. Any spare time I had, I HAD TO practice. It was a mental addiction, just like any other drug and if for some reason something would come up and I wuold deviate from the schedule, I would actually FEEL my blood itch and I would be pissy. My practicing controlled me more than I controlled it...and I thought I was getting better, but the more control I gave over my body and mind, the less happy I was and the less good of a violinist I was.

This obsessive - compulsive behavior translated into everything I did. Everything in my room had a place...and God forbid if anything was moved even the tiniest bit, I would lose my mind. I finally realized I had a problem when one time I was moving adn my father helped me out by packing my boxes and moving them for me. When I saw this I went BALLISTIC. After a few hours, I thought, waht just happened here?

I realized when I got out of college that I missed so much on life. I missed fun and the experience. I decided then, that the next stage of my life, I wouldn't be entirely career driven adn obsesssive and that I was going to have a balance. It was a state of mind that I had instilled...

I believe you when you say that you want it badly. I think the question you need to ask yourself is, "how badly do I want it?" I used to ask myeslf all the time "how bad do you want to be good?" After you assess that,I think you need to say, "how can I change myself such that i can get XXXX result?" You have to WANT to change though and you haev to WANT to have that result. Set your mind to it, and you will realize that so much of the things that you obsess about are meaning less....and the less you try to excel, teh better you become, b/c as i read it once "It's impossible to be great at something, but possible to be very good. And you become great as soon as you stop trying to be"

Take Care