When Your Body Says, "Enough"

Really, I probably shouldn't be surprised. I treat my body like crap for years, then get incredibly angry and frustrated when all of a sudden, it says, "whoa... I'm not taking this anymore". It seems, I don't know. Irritating. I feel like it's MY body and it should damn well behave how I want it to, do what I expect it to. Not turn around and slap me in the face like a wet fish. Lol. Sorry- not funny. true, but not funny.

The has been prompted by a mystery "virus" that I have now had for almost two weeks. I should point out, that eating disorder aside, I never get sick. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, cough, stomach bug or anything. Then all of a sudden, two weeks ago, I start sleeping for an extra 3-4 hours a day, joints aching, nausea, stomach pains. I attributed it to my sudden (though not drastic by any means) change in my diet. I was actually feeling on top of things and increasing my intake/variety in foods, and thought that perhaps my body was just getting accustomed to a new routine.

Fast forward to the past weekend and I figure, "hey- I'm just lying around in bed...maybe I should cut back on my food a little, go back to what I was having and see if I feel any better". That lasted a total of 3 days before I ended up in the emergency room, hooked up to oxygen and fluids, with dangerously low blood pressure and pulse rate.

I don't know if I DO have a virus and just lack the immune system to fight it off properly. Or if my body is finally trying to put a stop to the hell I have been putting it through. Or WHAT''S going on. My blood tests aren't showing up any kind of infection warranting antibiotics or "treatment". I've been told to rest and return if symptoms don't improve.

Part of me feels like this should be an epiphany moment- an "aha- the human body is remarkable, I'm so sorry, let me repent and I'll do good from here forward", and the other part is like, "WTF BODY? I'll change in my OWN time".

I am changing. I am making progress. I feel more of a pull towards recovery than anorexia right now. But I know me and I know that I am going to be mighty pissed if I put in loads of effort to eat better, gain weight, do all the stuff they told me in my nutrition groups and am STILL completely unable to stay awake for more than 3 hours, or walk to Starbucks.

I feel like I have to do the emotional work before I do the physical work. I don't think it's as simple as that since they are so entwined, but... I don't know. I can't DO the physical aspect without working on the mental stuff, and the mental issues? I don't even know where to begin. It's such a catch-22.

Anyone got advice about where to start?.. :/

Not Waving, But Drowning

To say that I'm struggling would be an understatement. I'm flailing. Rather wildly. I don't quite know what's wrong, or how to fix it. I'm overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the coming months. There is a deep sense of loss over what I am leaving behind here in New York. There is the oh-so-seductive urge to self-destruct completely. Because that solves everything. Obviously.

I want, so desperately, for things to be different. I am learning (slowly!) that what I really want is for ME to be different. I want to be "normal", whatever that means. I want to be able to choose where I live, to have a job I am good at/that I enjoy, to be free from this obsession with food/weight/exercise. I want to go out with friends and not worry about what they are thinking about me, where we will go, what we will eat. I want to make plans with people without having to get up at 4am so that I have time to squeeze in my mandatory walking hours so that I "earn" the right to relax and have fun. I want freedom. I want to be peaceful.

All the things that I do to manage my anxiety/depression are making things worse and taking me further and further away from the things I want. The more despairing I feel about where I am going to live, work, etc, the more weight I lose, and the more weight I lose, the more things spiral out of control.

I say that I am trying to get a grip on things. That is partly true. I am trying to get a grip on the feelings that drive my behaviour. I am trying to get a grip on the urges to lash out at myself. I say I am trying, but my definition of trying is to choose the lesser of two evils- should I walk 12 miles or take a handful of sleeping pills? Should I skip lunch or should I walk in front of a car?

I justify my actions because obviously I am making the "healthier" choice. Healthier, yet not healthy.

Should I just suck it up, follow my meal plan, exercise a normal amount, do my therapy homework and hope that somewhere along the line I acquire the desire to actually take care of myself? Be...*gasps* self-sufficient? How dull. How self-indulgent. I can't do that. I don't know HOW. I can do it when I am locked up in a treatment center, but can't quite bring myself to save MYSELF from MYSELF. After so much therapy/treatment, I should have answers by now. I have yet to see/hear/read anything that makes it seem a more doable task.

How did this get so damn complicated?

People think I have yet to recover because I don't want it enough. They are wrong. I want it enough. I just don't think I am capable of it, or deserving of it. I don't know how to function like a non-eating disordered person. I don't know how to deal with the mood swings, depression and anxiety that my behaviour keeps a handle on. I don't know how to live...or if I even want to.

Epiphanies All Round...

I realized tonight that I base my entire self-worth on other people's opinions of me. Do you think I am good enough to do xxx job? Do you think I am the best harpist in this competition? Do you think my life is worth saving? I put myself into situations, not consciously, but time and time again, purely to see how other people perceive me.

My self-esteem is non-existent, and I rely on others to validate me.

Am I a good enough person to be given that award/medal/job/prize? Is my existence valuable enough that you are willing to step in and stop me from killing myself? Then I resent either outcome. I don't get the job/prize/whatever, and it further fuels my destructiveness. "I KNEW I wasn't good enough". If I DO get what I really want, then it just screws with my head. "They made a mistake/they have ulterior motives/they don't see me for what I really am".

Will I ever feel good enough? Not likely. I aim for perfection and discover it's a moving target. I keep moving the target. Okay, I won X competition, but now I need to win Y. I lost Xlbs, now I need to lose XXlbs. I'll never be good enough to meet my own standards.

It's a losing battle. The more I achieve, the more I strive, and the more I strive, the more I set myself up to fail. The more I fail, the more destructive I become and the cycle feeds off itself.

I KNOW this rationally.

What I don't know is how to change it.

How to lower my expectations/standards. How to accept myself for how I am. How to be happy with what I've got. How to value myself enough to not rely on others to determine what I'm worth.