Cheerleaders?

Someone once told me that if somebody annoys you, it’s because you see parts of yourself reflected in them. I definitely agree with this. Lately I’ve been finding it harder and harder to keep in touch with a lot of my friends because I know they are going through a hard time and as selfish as this might sound, it’s not something that I can handle right now ('survival mechanism'?). I’ve stopped talking so much on my blog the last couple of weeks about the day-to-day ups and downs and I’m finding it really useful to write through the eyes I am trying to see through rather than through the dark sunglasses I often wear. I got bored of my own thoughts and bored of writing them down. It wasn’t changing anything. The changes in my own state of being have only taken place when I have shifted the focus from ‘what’s wrong' to ‘how to create the life I want to live’. I think there is a lot to be said for our visions/perceptions creating our worlds- there is definitely times where it is important to address current issues/difficulties, but I’m not willing to do that right now. I want to be around positive people. I am very easily influenced by what goes on around me and I attribute my progress lately to surrounding myself by people I look up to. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who tell me I won’t/can’t cope. We all need cheerleaders at times in our lives, and at this point, I need people around me who believe in me, who will push me that extra mile and who will shine a light when my own candle burns out.

It’s only natural to have a bunch of different people in our lives who all bring out different qualities in us- some of my friends and I get together and do the craziest random things and have days filled with laughter and bizarre shenanigans. Other friends and I sit huddled over coffee in Starbucks having serious discussions and debates. I enjoy BOTH, but at the moment I am finding that I am drawn more and more away from the ‘serious’ aspect and just…want to have some fun. Partly because of what’s going on for me right now and just a need to switch off, have a good time and remember the fun side of life. But partly because I want to ignore and deny the struggles I AM having and as long as I am not laughing/joking around, it all seems too real. I’d rather just ignore it.

I think my biggest ‘personal cheerleader’ is my dad. I grew up with him telling me constantly that I could do WHATEVER I put my mind to. It makes such a huge difference to have that knowledge that despite whatever crap is going on, there is someone out there who believes that you’ll make it through somehow.

Who are your personal cheerleaders?

I wasn’t going to post much today but deleted my draft and what do you know? A long rambling babble came out!

Before I forget, I need to mention Janetha for her comment yesterday about the pickle:

“daaang that thing is huge! I wonder how you got your mouth around it?”

I am just playing around this afternoon pretending I know what I am doing with the Live Writer I downloaded yesterday. If this post actually makes it onto my blog, that means I have figured it out *pats self on back* (gotta give yourself some props sometimes! ) So far, am liking it- thanks Alice!

Munchables!

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage twin pot- I am going to call this 'Sunshine Cheesecake' from now on.

Since yesterday’s breakfast, I have had crazy cravings for coconut. I LOVE the flavour of coconut but hate having the pieces stuck in my teeth for weeks until I brush them. Though it does make for an easily accessible snack later on...

For anyone in the UK, the Pureprotein bars often raved about on blogs are now available in Holland and Barrett. YEAH! Though I do love the white chocolate coconutty taste of this bar…

I went for a long walk this morning to do a few things (read: stock up on hummus and falafel) and also went to my mom’s house and now have FULL custody of my George Foreman grill. Which could only mean one thing…

Red pepper hummus and cheddar cheese. There are no words. For anyone yet to jump on the ‘crack wrap’ bandwagon, please do…your life will change forever. Unless you don’t like hummus. In which case you are crazy should dip it in ketchup.

Question: are there any foods you love the taste of but avoid because of the texture? For me it would be avocado and coconut. Avocado is mushy in a BAD way (mushy cereal = a good mushy) and coconut just gets stuck in my teeth. Love the taste, but can’t get past the textures.

Okay...the upload from Live Writer didn't work so I had to copy/paste and upload pictures again directly onto Blogspot. It said the server forbid it? Anyone able to help me out with this?

I Believe...

• that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is only to teach us something
• that putting all your eggs in one basket might seem practical but it's a big risk to take
• that some risks are worth taking
• that it's on the darkest nights that the stars shine most brightly
• that actions speak louder than words
• that you can wait forever for an apology that will never come
• that time you enjoy is not wasted time
• that 'sorry' is the hardest word to say
• that every moment we have is a gift
• that everyone is doing their best with the tools they have available to them
• that sometimes you only find the answer when you stop looking
• that people will die trying to use their bodies to say what their voices can't
• that when you face the things you are most scared of, you find you had the courage all along
• that when your mind throws up road blocks, you can drive straight through them
• that some rules are meant to be broken
• that everyone deserves to be loved
• that a good night's sleep and a great breakfast gives you a great advantage for any challenges that come your way during the day
• that everyone needs a little help sometimes
• that sometimes the only available means of transportation is a leap of faith
• that laughter is the best medicine
• that time doesn't heal everything, but compassion and forgiveness can go a long way
• that we have more power and strength than we realise
• that everyone is special in their own way

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Munchables!

I wanted to try the muesli that Aisha sent me in the 'blogger exchange' this morning.

With pumpkin and fromage frais...

The flavour kind of got lost in the pumpkin, but every now and again I got a little chunk of chocolate- winning start to my day!

There was some more chocolate needed later on.

I think this was a "Carbrite Raspberry Chocolate" bar (20g protein- woooo!) but will forever be known in my head as "Bizarre Bar". It was...weird. I LOVED the texture, but it had the strangest taste to it- anyone tried these? Maybe it had gone bad or something...it didn't taste gross, it was just strange. Chalky and chewy (which I like) but just really sweet with a strange hint of what I assume is *supposed* to be raspberry.. These have no sugar and no artificial sweeteners so I have no idea what crazy chemicals ingredients I just ingested...

Lunch included my last sandwich thin- which means that 1) I have LOTS of room in my freezer now, and 2) next week WRAPS are back on the menu. You know how I roll!

Ham, tomato chutney, laughing cow cheese and pineapple. Love it.

Have a great weekend guys! Hope you all have some fun things planned!

Click for a summer giveaway!

Let's Talk 'Fundamentals'

Today's Estimated Scale Of Awesomeness: 7/10
Today's Actual Scale Of Awesomeness: 2/10

Eh, c'est la vie. I have high hopes for tomorrow- an estimated scale of awesomeness coming in around 8.5.

Okay, scrap the title of this post. I mean FUNDAMENTALS. Better? I think so.

So onto the FUN stuff, cause sometimes I just need to kick back and have a good time. So more of THAT, yes?

I got a GREAT package in the mail today from Aisha over at Bambi's Fat Loss which cheered me up immensely!

• almond butter (YAY!)
• 2 packs of muesli (banana chocolate and tropical fruit)
• lots of awesome looking bars
• ferreror rocher
• green tea
• lip balm
• hand sanitiser

I am SO excited to try all of these things- especially the almond butter and muesli! Thanks so much Aisha! And thank you to Megan for organising the secret exchange!

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MUNCHABLES! (It's been too many days since that word was used).

Last night's dinner was no pot-luck- this was frozen in the packet. I like to at least pretend I am organised sometimes...hehe.

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with tomato basil sauce, and steamed spinach. This is one of my favourite meals, but every single time, half-way through eating I suddenly get very bored. So weird! This doesn't happen with anything else I eat- ketchup and Parmesan came to the rescue.

This morning kicked off at the lovely hour of 4am. Seriously. I blame the fact that we are having a heat wave (a 'Scottish' heat wave which really isn't a 'heat wave' at all), and the fact that I only have fleecy pyjamas and a special duvet that is actually equivalent to 3 duvets in one (talking 'togs' whatever the heck they are).

My breakfast however, was a bowl of sunshine.

Bran flakes, mashed banana and cheesecake Fage cherry twin pot. Love it.

I promised a 'certain someone' (you know who you are!) that I would do a review of one of the few protein bars readily available in the UK.

Also comes in chocolate flavour, but the white chocolate coating and hint of coconut is amazing. (UK guys: £1.50 at Holland and Barrett). Around 200 cals and 15g protein (?), but check this out:

91% of the RDA of calcium! JACKPOT. I have no idea how 'safe' it actually is to consume high levels of vitamins/minerals in one go considering I also take multivitamins/supplements, but am guessing that now and again is fine- and I couldn't afford to eat these more than 'now and again'. They are good though and WAY better than any other 'power bar' products I have tried.

Lunch was the last batch of my tuna/bean/salsa mix and last of my sprouts. I wasn't going to post yet another picture of it since I have this all the time, but I think it's kind of pretty. Plus it includes extra of last week's BSI ingredient and this corn wanted a chance to shine!

Final note: in reference to yesterday's oh-so-creative post title (heh), I will never talk about financial matters on this blog. Unless I have no money to buy yogurt, in which case I might start using said blog to auction off bodily organs.

Investments and Savings

I know, SUCH an eye-catching title for a Monday :P

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with somebody about 'opening a bank account'. Not a regular bank account: a HAPPINESS bank account. The theory was/is that for every positive experience you have, you savour it while it lasts and then stash away the memory in this bank account. Over time, the 'capital' builds and then when the chips are down in life, you can head to the 'bank', pull out some of those happy times and relive the memories of when things get brighter.

I used to think that my 'bad' days were unique to me- it's only been pretty recently that I've realised that EVERYONE has crappy days. Everyone has days where everything seems to go wrong, or something bad happens or just a general "blah" feeling for no tangible reason. I'd love to be one of those people who are happy all the time and take everything in their stride- but I'm not. I over analyse things, I worry too much about stuff outwith my control and I take things very personally. I think this 'bank account' concept is such a great idea because on the inevitable crappy days, it's hard to remember that it's JUST a 'bad' day and it happens to most people. Some more frequently than others, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and occasional rainfalls are just part and parcel of being human.

So now my question: what good stuff has happened to you lately that you would want to put in your happiness account?

Heh, sometimes I feel like I think/talk too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll keep things lighter and write about...shoes? Interior design? Spaghetti?

Yes, food talk is good. So lets get to that...

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Last night's dinner turned into a 'pot luck'-type event. I pulled a container out of the freezer yesterday morning- I could identify red stuff (tomato sauce), white chunks which I thought were beans and green stuff which I thought was mould herbs. Bean stew?

PASTA! I was secretly very happy to discover this lay inside the icy box... This was made a while ago (containing a tomato herb sauce with melted laughing cow cheese, chopped up quorn filllet, broccoli and pasta) and I completely forgot I had some left. I should start labelling my tupperware (or just having fun with the surprises that come out of my freezer!) Where my beans have gone too, I have no idea...

Breakfast this morning was a K-inspired parfait...

Chopped apple, Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. This glass is this biggest one I own, but I think I need a proper parfait glass. I ended up throwing this into a bowl so I could mix it up properly...this picture is much prettier though so I won't show you the bowl-shot!

Money-shot of a snack...

Caramel peanut nougat Atkins bar. I am *not* an Atkins 'fan' by any means, but I like anything with chocolate and caramel high-protein snacks. The ingredient list kind of made me feel like I was in a chemistry lab, but hey...it tasted good.

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

The Waiting Game

Thank you so much for your feedback on my thoughts about perfectionism. I am aware that it's gotten to a point where I NEED to find a way to ease up a bit- I am at a stage where I am reluctant to even attempt to do anything because the fear of not being 'good enough' is so horrifying.

Having said that, I finished the article last night and emailed it in. Waiting nervously for some kind of response and trying to be patient since yesterday was a bank holiday and there is a 7-8 hour time difference.

Onto today...

Oy vey. This lack of sleep is catching up on me. I can barely move today! I think it's the 'crash' I tend to get after running on adrenaline for a few days- when I was 18 and sitting some exams, I worked really hard in the lead up to them, then slept for a solid 4 days after! Having sent the email and no longer have it in my hands to edit/redo, there is a sense of relief and I just want to sleep all day.

So it's done and all I can do is wait nervously patiently...

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Last night I heated up leftovers from the freezer- I need to clean it out and it's currently crammed full!

Quorn in red wine and mushroom sauce with cabbage + spring onion mashed potato, roasted mushrooms and steamed broccoli.

I don't know what possessed me to make this- I have decided that I really don't LIKE potatoes! They went well with the quorn and sauce though so it's all good. I used chicken last time I had this, but prefer the texture (and price) of quorn...oh, economy- sort it out!

My laziness is definitely reflected in today's meals!

Breakfast this morning was a standard...


Bran flakes, microwaved banana and Fage cherry twin pot. I'm not kidding when I say this tastes like cheesecake!

I bummed around for most of the morning- went out for some 'mystery shopping' (hehe...). Snack...


I now only have one pumpkin spice Clif to use up- I LOVE Clif bars but am seriously burned out on this flavour. I have a pretty big stash of maple nut waiting... I have been looking at the protein bars available here recently and there is such a small selection here! Pureprotein bars (my favourite) used to be readily available in limited flavours (and only the really big ones) but they have vanished. I would have thought there is a market here for protein bars...apparently not?

Lunch was a burrito bowl repeat due to 1) feeling lazy, 2) feeling very uncreative and 3) wanting an excuse to eat lots of salsa.

That's all I've got for today...off to catch up on some blogs, sleep, facebook, check my emails a zillion times, sleep, eat dinner...did I mention sleep? Also playing around with the great 'bar builder' Heather is doing a giveaway from- check it OUT!

Solid Ground

I woke up this morning at 5am like I do every other morning.
I turned on my laptop like I do every other morning.
I weighed myself like I do every other morning.

My weight had increased slightly from yesterday- I stood and looked at the number waiting for the usual feelings of anxiety and despair to flood over me. I watched the number flicker as the scales switched off. I waited. I breathed. I didn't care. It was a number. Nothing more, nothing less. I walked through to the kitchen, put on the kettle and lit a cigarette. I didn't think again about the scale or my weight- I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast. I did laundry and went for a walk- I spent a while in little gift shops looking for birthday cards. I came home and opened my mail- a letter that would usually trigger all kinds of anxiety was opened, read and placed on my coffee table to deal with later.

I made lunch.
I had a cup of tea.

I'm sitting here now and this all feels...bizarre. Foreign. Where did barrage of negative thoughts go? Where is the anxiety that usually fuels my exercise and daily rituals? Where did this feeling of calmness come from? I feel like I am standing on solid ground. Not in a manic frenzy of feeling like I can take on the world, but a sense of internal strength that I can handle this moment. I'm not thinking about this evening or tomorrow or next week. Each moment that comes my way can be dealt with. Maybe all this talk of acceptance has sunk in and I am finally embracing what 'is' rather than focusing on what was or what will be...

Breathing. Staying calm. Staying focused. Taking it as it comes.

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Breakfast this morning was the return of an old favourite.


Cooked apple, bran berry muesli and fage.

Another new snack- these have been in my bar stash for almost a year and I had no interest in trying them. I tried the cookies 'n' cream flavour at the same time as buying these and they were disgusting...


...but these were really good. They definitely had that strange protein bar taste/texture (I love it, but just a heads-up if chalkiness isn't your 'thing'!)


Returning to Katies challenge, I picked up a yellow courgette/zuchinni to try.

Mini quorn sausage rolls (LOVE THESE!) with baked zuchinni 'fries' and steamed spinach + broccoli. The verdict? The zuchinni was awesome. It had a slightly sweeter taste than the green variety and I really liked it. I have only seen the yellow ones in one store, and they are far more expensive so I probably won't be eating them frequently, but it was a nice change and fun to try something a little different (and who doesn't love a splash of yellow on their plate? Sunshine food!)

Hope everybody is having a happy hump-day!

Manic Monday

I just got the phone call to say that I have been accepted into the supported housing project, and am moving in next Monday! I am so excited/nervous/happy. I won't see my apartment until I move in (eeek!) but I am sure it will be fine... Time will tell!

I have been playing around with my camera a little more- still trying to figure it out, but am getting there...

Copying the "bag tag" thing floating around blogosphere lately, this is the bag I use every day:


Contents include iPod, phone, wallet, house keys, buss pass and random scraps of paper! It's a Kathy Van Zeeland bag that I got it in Macy's after my beloved Urban Outfitters bag literally fell apart on the street when I was visiting NY in November!

More of my New York purchases! I am a HUGE protein bar fan, and there is a very limited selection here in the UK so I stock up whenever I visit! This is only part of my stash, but includes pureprotein bars, Clif (and mini Clifs!), cookie dough balance bars, mini promax bars, an Odwalla bar, keribars, larabars and hot 'n' healthy squares.


This is another place mat I have- I made it in treatment when I was 20 and it's covered with inspirational quotes/pictures. Not unlike Jaime's vision board- it was a great addition to the inpatient dining table for me!


And finally, a picture of my oh-so-pretty lunch! I'm not planning on posting all my meals and snacks, but a few won't hurt ;) This is low-fat egg salad on a wholewheat English muffin (made in Scotland- does it still count as "English"?) and salad with honey mustard dressing.

I have never really made eggs except in baking or occasional recipes and always think I don't like them much- then am surprised when I *do* eat them, quite how much I enjoy them!

Also, please check out Lindsay's post- she's been doing daily posts with the theme of "loving yourself" and today's summary/wrap up makes great reading!