ED: you are eating too much, not exercising enough- once mom goes away next week, it's the perfect opportunity to restrict
ED: there is NO point in eating right now- you don't "need" energy to go to a 2 hour class each week...who CARES if you drop weight, get sick? It doesn't MATTER anymore
Me: good point...
ED: *insert thousands upon thousands of food ideas/"meal" ideas*
Me: K, I'll go get some coffee then go to the store then sort something...
ED: NO. You'll do the FULL walk that you did last Sunday, then throw away all the food you have, THEN you will go home and fill another notepad with the new plan
Me: okay...but first...
ED: NO. Do it NOW. It's 7am- you have time to walk until the store opens at 10, then the house will be empty and you can go. *insert millions of racing thoughts about food/weight/calories*
Me: WAIT. Who the HELL are you to be telling me what to do? Maybe I am NOT doing amazing and wonderful things right now, and maybe I don't have an immediate plan to move back to New York, but it's an option IN THE FUTURE if I lay the foundations NOW
ED: listen up bitch. There is NOTHING for you. New York will never be an option- you'll never get a job, never KEEP a job. ALL that you have and will EVER have is me
ME: and where exactly is that going to get me? back in hospital? losing more friends? YOU said you would make me happy, give me life meaning. I literally have NOTHING else to lose- why would I listen to you NOW when you keep feeding me bull****?
ED: because you know I am right. You don't need friends, don't need family, don't need New York and most definitely do NOT need to be healthy...your options are 1) be fat and miserable, or 2) be absorbed with my plan and not CARE about friends/family/life
ME: or, 3) keep doing as my therapist suggests, get back on my feet and move back to New York... I HAVE a job offer, have friends and I am SO happy there. I'm not going to let you destroy the possibilities for me
ED: yes you will...cause you always do. You know you aren't like the others that fight back and WIN. You'll never win because you know as well as I do, you were never like them to begin with. You NEED me.
Me: I need SOMETHING, but it certainly isn't you. just because I haven't beaten you yet, doesn't mean I never WILL. I'm not "different" to people who have recovered- the only difference is that I am still listening to you
ED: because you know I am right
Me: I have been listening to you because you kept making promises that you have NEVER kept and I'm not listening anymore
ED: you need me- you KNOW this. You'll never HAVE this fantasy life you build up in your head. You are a f***-up and you aren't even good at following my orders
Me: I have done EVERYTHING you have suggested and it's gotten me NOWHERE. I have never been so unhappy, never had so little in my life as I have had when I have been following your lead
ED: well here's the new plan...
Me: BITE ME, B****
And so I went home, baked my felafel and ate my lunch. And a snack. And dinner.
ten months old.
4 weeks ago