Wednesday, 28 January 2009

"Breathe Through The Pain"

Wise words from my dance teacher. She was referring to stretching into splits, gently pushing a little further each time. It has applied to many situations since then- particularly right now.

My thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour- I hate sounding all dramatic, but I can literally feel poisoned arrows of negativity flying at me. I'm shaking, my heart is pounding. My mom is going away on Friday for 2 weeks- I've been looking forward to having my own space, just having some quiet time. It suddenly dawned on me this evening that I haven't been by myself for more than a few hours since my suicide attempt in November.

This all started spiralling this morning when I stopped in the grocery store to pick up a couple of things and my mind drifted to the weeks ahead and what I will do for meals. I prepare my own foods right now and usually eat by myself anyway so there isn't really any change, but my mind went blank and I couldn't remember what I usually eat, what I like, what I would need to buy. I wandered up and down the aisles looking at the possibilities- vaguely remembering stuff I have tried, stuff I was eating this time last year, but the last few months? Completely blank in my mind. I spent over an hour in the store before rushing home, panicking. I've been trying all afternoon to literally *push* the thoughts out of my brain. I had a shower, heated up leftovers from yesterday for dinner, caught up on blogs. My mom called on her way to meet friends- I didn't want to SAY I am worried. I want her to enjoy her vacation without worrying about me, but it all spilled out and ended up with me crying and rambling on for 15 minutes before saying I had to go and hanging up.

Another suicide attempt is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm not thinking about food in a "what can I cut out?" way, just a, "what the hell do I EAT?" way. Cooking causes me so much anxiety, prepackaged foods cause me anxiety, spending money on food causes me anxiety, figuring out what I like/want/am comfortable with causes anxiety. Basically if it's related to me eating, I get anxious. I'm fighting it and am 99% sure I'll feel better tomorrow after a decent night's really is a matter or riding out the storm and remembering that "this too shall pass". Accepting the thoughts without feeling the need to act on them. I don't NEED to worry about next week's dinners right now. I don't need to buy food right now. I don't need to do ANYTHING right now except relax, crash out and watch TV.

And of course, breathe.

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