Monday, 18 February 2008

grateful to be alive

I don't know quite how or when this happened. I spent much of last year too depressed to make any rational decisions, my head to foggy to form coherent sentences, my heart too heavy to see anything beyond the pain and despair I felt in that moment. I tried medications, hospitals, therapy. Tried sleeping, meditations, relaxation, exercise. Tried everything that was suggested, but at the back of my mind I really thought I was going to end up killing myself in the not-so-distant future.

I don't know when that changed. I don't know HOW it changed. I don't quite know why it started in the first place, or if it could happen again.

What I DO know is that I realised today that not only am I getting through each day, I am enjoying things again. I'm not going to sleep at night praying that I won't wake up. I'm not being awoken each morning to the sounds of my own cries. I'm worried about the future and what it may hold, but it's not consuming me- I'm taking pleasure in the things I have NOW and worrying less about what lies ahead. I figure, if I take care of the current moment, the next moment will take care of itself. So far it seems to be working.

Life certainly isn't all "ha ha hee hee"- a lot of what I'm doing is plain and simple avoidance. I'm avoiding opening up the can of worms I opened last summer. I'm avoiding situations/people, I'm avoiding giving up the mechanisms I have used to keep a lid on my depression for the last few years.

But something feels different. I feel light. I feel peaceful. I feel free.

I have some important decisions to make over the next few days which I'm struggling with- it's a matter of weighing up pros and cons, taking risks. I'm content right NOW, and not sure if it's a worthwhile gamble to shake things up again and just hope that I end up content in the long-run. Every choice has a consequence- living moment by moment is serving me well right now, but at some point...well...I do need to step up to the plate and make some decisions.

Seems I start to write with one intention, and end up off on some tangent... I had felt an urge to write some cheesy entry thanking the various people who have stepped in over the last few years and (quite literally) saved my life. No matter how much I fought them or tried to run away. No matter how much I screamed and lashed out, I am here today simply because for the last X years, there have been a whole bunch of people who have kept me alive. Often I resent that.

Today I am grateful.

Thanks guys- I've got it covered for now...

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