Saturday, 9 February 2008

an introduction...

It's been 5 years since I was first diagnosed with osteoporosis. I've lived much of that time in denial- what I couldn't see/feel, I could ignore. I took my calcium supplements alongside my morning multivitamin, and really didn't give it a second thought.

It wasn't really until this time last year (after cracking a bone in my ankle just walking along the street) that I started to think about it- and now, it's been confirmed by x-rays/scans, that my bones are continueing to deteriorate. I can feel pain, and therefore can no longer deny that my body is suffering.

I swing back and forth depending on the day- between denial ("I'm absolutely fine- I'm just imagining this all"), anger ("WTF? This isn't FAIR! Nobody WARNED me!"), depression ("what is the point in anything? I'll never be normal and it's only going to get worse..."), and acceptance ("what's happened has happened...I'll just take each day as it comes and address this as I go along").

I like denial best. I like to pretend I'm fine. I'm just like everybody else. I can go to a dance class, run for the bus in heels, ice-skate, horse-ride, plan my abseil down Ayers Rock. I don't WANT to accept this. I want to stamp my feet and cry and have somebody tell me that everything is going to be just fine, but really...acceptance is the only option I have. I can't change what's happened. Resentment/anger isn't going to get me anywhere, and denial...well, so far that's earned me several more stress fractures and not a lot else to show for it.

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