For a really long time, whenever anybody asked me to tell them about myself, I immediately referenced dancing. It had been years since I'd touched my harp, years since I had done anything remotely interesting- nothing that could define me in a somewhat-positive light (yes, I have self-esteem issues!) Without dance, what is there? It's really hard to define yourself when you base your own self-worth on external activities/acheivements. Because nothing external is guaranteed.
So now, I find myself thinking about who I am inside. Take away dance, music, illness. Who am I? I have absolutely no idea.
I am passionate. I am determined. I stand up for what I think is right. I am creative. I like to be in control. I have unrealistically high expectations of myself. I spend a lot of time daydreaming- creating elaborate plans which I attempt to follow through, then realise I didn't really plan it all that well. I like to run away from things. Life scares me. Responsibility scares me. I think of my world as a juggling act, and all-too-often the balance gets tipped and things fall apart. I'm sensitive. Highly critical of myself, but (too?) accepting of others. I often jump to conclusions. I like to plan things in advance. I like adventures- adrenaline. I like short-term fixes. I am impatient. I love to make people laugh. I love to explore things, understand, learn. I get confused easily, frustrated easily and bored easily. I am scared of being tied down to any one thing/person. Anything which requires commitment is immediately on my "no-go" list (which is why I like the "one day at a time" idea... I can really only function if my goal is to get through that one day/hour/moment). My priorities change at the drop of a hat and have a habit of turning themselves on their heads.
I am more than an ex-dancer. I am more than an illness. I am more than the words I write/think. I am more than my emotions. I am a whole person- whether I believe that or not is irrelevant right now. At this very second, I can see that I am a human being who is starting to look beyond the surface and discover what lies inside.
four years old.
4 weeks ago