When Your Body Says, "Enough"

Really, I probably shouldn't be surprised. I treat my body like crap for years, then get incredibly angry and frustrated when all of a sudden, it says, "whoa... I'm not taking this anymore". It seems, I don't know. Irritating. I feel like it's MY body and it should damn well behave how I want it to, do what I expect it to. Not turn around and slap me in the face like a wet fish. Lol. Sorry- not funny. true, but not funny.

The has been prompted by a mystery "virus" that I have now had for almost two weeks. I should point out, that eating disorder aside, I never get sick. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, cough, stomach bug or anything. Then all of a sudden, two weeks ago, I start sleeping for an extra 3-4 hours a day, joints aching, nausea, stomach pains. I attributed it to my sudden (though not drastic by any means) change in my diet. I was actually feeling on top of things and increasing my intake/variety in foods, and thought that perhaps my body was just getting accustomed to a new routine.

Fast forward to the past weekend and I figure, "hey- I'm just lying around in bed...maybe I should cut back on my food a little, go back to what I was having and see if I feel any better". That lasted a total of 3 days before I ended up in the emergency room, hooked up to oxygen and fluids, with dangerously low blood pressure and pulse rate.

I don't know if I DO have a virus and just lack the immune system to fight it off properly. Or if my body is finally trying to put a stop to the hell I have been putting it through. Or WHAT''S going on. My blood tests aren't showing up any kind of infection warranting antibiotics or "treatment". I've been told to rest and return if symptoms don't improve.

Part of me feels like this should be an epiphany moment- an "aha- the human body is remarkable, I'm so sorry, let me repent and I'll do good from here forward", and the other part is like, "WTF BODY? I'll change in my OWN time".

I am changing. I am making progress. I feel more of a pull towards recovery than anorexia right now. But I know me and I know that I am going to be mighty pissed if I put in loads of effort to eat better, gain weight, do all the stuff they told me in my nutrition groups and am STILL completely unable to stay awake for more than 3 hours, or walk to Starbucks.

I feel like I have to do the emotional work before I do the physical work. I don't think it's as simple as that since they are so entwined, but... I don't know. I can't DO the physical aspect without working on the mental stuff, and the mental issues? I don't even know where to begin. It's such a catch-22.

Anyone got advice about where to start?.. :/

(not so) creative writing

Slowly, she starts to eat. She tastes nothing but bitterness as she forces her food downwards, fighting the waves of anger that ripple upwards from her solar plexus. The food threatens to choke her as she struggles to swallow, her throat constricted, crying out in rage. It sits in her stomach like a brick. She feels nauseaus, dizzy, afraid. It is not just the food, but the swallowed emotions that seem to brew within her, bubbling up as if they might errupt.