Cheerleaders?

Someone once told me that if somebody annoys you, it’s because you see parts of yourself reflected in them. I definitely agree with this. Lately I’ve been finding it harder and harder to keep in touch with a lot of my friends because I know they are going through a hard time and as selfish as this might sound, it’s not something that I can handle right now ('survival mechanism'?). I’ve stopped talking so much on my blog the last couple of weeks about the day-to-day ups and downs and I’m finding it really useful to write through the eyes I am trying to see through rather than through the dark sunglasses I often wear. I got bored of my own thoughts and bored of writing them down. It wasn’t changing anything. The changes in my own state of being have only taken place when I have shifted the focus from ‘what’s wrong' to ‘how to create the life I want to live’. I think there is a lot to be said for our visions/perceptions creating our worlds- there is definitely times where it is important to address current issues/difficulties, but I’m not willing to do that right now. I want to be around positive people. I am very easily influenced by what goes on around me and I attribute my progress lately to surrounding myself by people I look up to. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who tell me I won’t/can’t cope. We all need cheerleaders at times in our lives, and at this point, I need people around me who believe in me, who will push me that extra mile and who will shine a light when my own candle burns out.

It’s only natural to have a bunch of different people in our lives who all bring out different qualities in us- some of my friends and I get together and do the craziest random things and have days filled with laughter and bizarre shenanigans. Other friends and I sit huddled over coffee in Starbucks having serious discussions and debates. I enjoy BOTH, but at the moment I am finding that I am drawn more and more away from the ‘serious’ aspect and just…want to have some fun. Partly because of what’s going on for me right now and just a need to switch off, have a good time and remember the fun side of life. But partly because I want to ignore and deny the struggles I AM having and as long as I am not laughing/joking around, it all seems too real. I’d rather just ignore it.

I think my biggest ‘personal cheerleader’ is my dad. I grew up with him telling me constantly that I could do WHATEVER I put my mind to. It makes such a huge difference to have that knowledge that despite whatever crap is going on, there is someone out there who believes that you’ll make it through somehow.

Who are your personal cheerleaders?

I wasn’t going to post much today but deleted my draft and what do you know? A long rambling babble came out!

Before I forget, I need to mention Janetha for her comment yesterday about the pickle:

“daaang that thing is huge! I wonder how you got your mouth around it?”

I am just playing around this afternoon pretending I know what I am doing with the Live Writer I downloaded yesterday. If this post actually makes it onto my blog, that means I have figured it out *pats self on back* (gotta give yourself some props sometimes! ) So far, am liking it- thanks Alice!

Munchables!

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage twin pot- I am going to call this 'Sunshine Cheesecake' from now on.

Since yesterday’s breakfast, I have had crazy cravings for coconut. I LOVE the flavour of coconut but hate having the pieces stuck in my teeth for weeks until I brush them. Though it does make for an easily accessible snack later on...

For anyone in the UK, the Pureprotein bars often raved about on blogs are now available in Holland and Barrett. YEAH! Though I do love the white chocolate coconutty taste of this bar…

I went for a long walk this morning to do a few things (read: stock up on hummus and falafel) and also went to my mom’s house and now have FULL custody of my George Foreman grill. Which could only mean one thing…

Red pepper hummus and cheddar cheese. There are no words. For anyone yet to jump on the ‘crack wrap’ bandwagon, please do…your life will change forever. Unless you don’t like hummus. In which case you are crazy should dip it in ketchup.

Question: are there any foods you love the taste of but avoid because of the texture? For me it would be avocado and coconut. Avocado is mushy in a BAD way (mushy cereal = a good mushy) and coconut just gets stuck in my teeth. Love the taste, but can’t get past the textures.

Okay...the upload from Live Writer didn't work so I had to copy/paste and upload pictures again directly onto Blogspot. It said the server forbid it? Anyone able to help me out with this?

The Fine Line Between Love and hate

For as long as I can remember, I've had this intense fear that something horrible will happen to my mom. I have memories of sitting in the back of the car when I was 3/4, making symmetrical patterns with my fingertips to calm myself down, believing that if I made perfect patterns, I'd somehow be protecting her from harm. I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I went to sleep every night pleading with 'God' to keep my mom safe. I should point out that I've never had justification for this fear and I have no idea where it comes from.

Over the last few years, our relationship has changed. I still very much have the same fears about something happening to her, but my reaction is different- I distance myself, pick fights over stupid things, keep myself away from her. I guess on some level I think that the more time we spend apart, the easier it will be to bear the brunt if something DOES happen to her.

Saturday's are now the day we seem to get together- we meet for coffee early in the morning before she goes to shul. This morning I set off to meet her- as much as I love my mom, it's REALLY hard for me to be around her. Something just switches in my head and I become irritable, whiny, needy. She called me half an hour before we were to meet to ask me what the weather was like. Coming from anyone else, this would not have been a big deal. Her phone call, as do most of hers, made me feel like ripping my skin off. I was suddenly agitated, angry and just wanted to turn around and go home. I slammed my cellphone shut and kept walking and met my mom as planned. It was 'okay'. I put on my fake smile, pretended to have a good time and silently counted down the minutes until she would have to leave to go to shul.

I feel horrible for this. I LOVE my mom. I have a lot of respect for her as a person and am so grateful for everything that she has done for me over the years and everything that she has put up with. I can't even imagine the pain she has gone through watching me do the things I have done over the years...but on some level, I hate her. I can't explain why because I don't KNOW. Something about being around her triggers all kinds of wild and crazy emotions. Anxiety, anger, rage, fear. I don't know where it comes from or why it is so hard to be with her and at the same time, be away from her. I manage my eating disorder far better when we have distance- physical distance. But she is the first person I reach out to when things are hard because she 'gets' it. We think the same way and react the same way to a lot of situations- I'm wondering if part of the intensity of my feelings when I am with her is to do with the fact that I see so much of myself reflected in her. I can't help but feel jealous of people who do fun things with their families, because mine evoke such strong emotions in me and our time spent together is fraught with tension. Oh, to live with The Brady Bunch :P

*********

Breakfast this morning, at the lovely hour of 5am. Yay insomnia!

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, with blueberries and almonds. Need to sort out my sleep pattern ASAP! I don't know why I am suddenly having so much trouble falling/staying sleep these days.

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on seeded wholewheat bread.

New snack!

First time trying this flavour, and I LOVED it! This and the Peanut Butter Cookie larabar are my top 2. I've only ever had cashew nuts in stir-fries before and forgot how much I loved them.

Question of the day: How often do you talk to/see your parents? I talk to my mom several times a day (!) and my dad maybe once every couple of months. He lives abroad so most of our communication is via email.

Pushing Limits and Setting Boundaries

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was annoyed with myself for a few reasons, and worried about friends and that I had stepped on people's toes yesterday.

I got up around 5am and sat smoking and drinking coffee and thinking. I was reading my old posts from when I was very active in eating disorders message boards where there are a lot of people not even contemplating recovery, and the shift in focus on my blog when my attention was drawn to the more recovery orientated blogging community.

I guess I am scared that I look to blogs a little too much for support and motivation, and I am worried that MY recovery is going to be dependant on other people's. Of course, that will never work- I need to OWN my recovery and be doing it for ME. Doing it for myself isn't the same as doing it by myself and I need to figure out a way to set some boundaries with myself regarding where I draw the line between using support whilst still remaining independently recovering. Does that make any sense?..

This is definitely an issue I have struggled with in the past- doing what everyone around me is doing because...well, if they can do it, so can I. It's hard for me to separate myself from anyone/everyone around me, and do what is right for ME- especially when I am struggling and either looking for justification for my behaviour, or reason to change. It's also been hard for me to feel good about myself/where I am when I go down the road of comparing myself to people who I was at school with and are now doctors/lawyers/architects, married, happy.

Essentially I think the problem is that I have no idea who I am, what I want or where I am going and I'm trying too hard to fit in where I perhaps don't really belong. Part of this is the huge ambivalence I apparently have towards recovery- don't get me wrong, I WANT to be free from anorexia, but struggle a lot with giving up the behaviours. for this reason, I don't fit in with the friends I have that don't want to get well, and I don't fit in with the friends I have who are actively making changes because I'm somewhere in between.

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and give myself permission to eat/stop exercising/do XYZ because that is what my role models do and I really struggle to stay focused on my recovery when I see that the people I look up to are human too. And that's perfectly OKAY- the problem isn't THEM, it's my perception. I am fully aware of this.

This is not a criticism of anyone in particular, except myself- not even criticism so PLEASE don't see it that way. Merely an observance of my own thoughts, feelings, actions and a look at where I am right now. Food and weight issues aside, there is a hell of a lot of work I need to be doing with regards to recovery.

Anyway, onto my fun stuff...


Cheese is a bit of a "fear food" for me, so I decided I was going to incorporate it somehow into today's food. What did I come up with?

Apple cheddar oatmeal.

In the mix:

• 1/3 cup oats cooked in water
• apple
• cinnamon
• 1oz cheddar

I've never had apples with cheese before, but heard it was good- and it WAS! Love sweet + savoury combinations! Close up of the mixed-up cheesy goodness...


And due to Clif-burnout, a new snack :)



And finally, a quote I came across this morning...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

The Importance Of Belonging

I have decided, that no matter what, I need to make sure that I am *okay*. Not in a selfish "it's all about ME" way, but that despite the chaos and negativity going on around me at home/with my treatment, I am able to take care of myself. I am in the process of cutting off contact with certain people- they ones who mean well, but have too many of their own issues for me to be a part of their everyday lives.

Anorexia provides me with the security/predictability that my home life never has and it's only now that I am realising how important it is to have some kind of "family", whether they are blood-related or not. To be a part of a caring and nurturing environment is what I want (and need) if I am going to heal. Maybe I'll find it in friendship. Maybe religion. Maybe living in a small close-knit community. But *somewhere* there is a place where I will be unconditionally accepted.

It's okay to want this. It's okay to need this. It's okay to belong- to find my own niche in life where I am in the company of others walking the same path. I need to figure out who *I* am, beyond the identity that anorexia gives me, and then find a place to finally call "home".

Choose Your Battles

At some point, I need to accept that some things are simply not worth fighting for. Give up, and move on. Whether it's a relationship, recovery, or life itself...at some stage, it's time to call it quits.

How do you accept that something is just not worth the hassle? It is painful to want something so badly that you are WILLING to stand up and fight for it, but maybe some things are just not worth the hassle.

I've talked before about my relationships- the will they/won't they. It doesn't happen like it does in movies- there isn't always a "happily ever after" ending in the real world. How do you know if it was right to begin with, and how do you know when to throw down the cards, kick back from the table and just.walk.away.

I seem to invest a lot of time and energy into things which in hindsight, aren't worth it. These people will never be who I want/need them to be. If it is constantly causing more pain than pleasure, maybe cutting my losses is the best decision I can make.

I don't want to.

I am really rather immature when it comes to my interactions with others. I want things a certain way. I want people I can relay on. People who follow through with what they say they will do, people who don't make me feel like I am worthless and horrible. I want people around me who choose to be around me- not because I pay them, because they feel sorry for me or guilty that I have thrown a fit because they cancelled our dinner date.

I want to fight for my relationships because I am scared of being alone. And yet time and time again, with the same people, I end up feeling hurt, angry and lonelier than if I had never gotten involved with them in the first place.

I'm tired of the games, the fighting, the cycle of making and breaking plans, adding and deleting the same people on Facebook. It all seems rather immature. I was like this when I was 12...doesn't seem to have changed. I am amazed that so many people I seem to get involved with are like this too.

Except they don't seem to think it's worth fighting for.

Is there any way of knowing if it's worth fighting for something? If you try, time and time again, only to get shot down, time and time again...at what point is it okay to finally give in and accept that it's over? Is it ever REALLY over? Or was it never there to begin with, and I just WANTED it there so badly I pretended it existed?

Holding On... Letting Go...

I'm wondering, at which point, holding on becomes more painful than letting go. My specific situation is irrelevant- this is applicable to so many things. Clinging to something, desperately wanting it to work out the way you envisioned it, unable to accept the reality that it's NOT working, and letting go (a "strategical retreat" as my dad calls it) is the only thing you have left to do.

So why is it so hard? I make it sound so easy, so simple. It's not working, cut your losses and try something different.

There has been so much time, energy and hope invested in this. There is so much meaning behind holding on/letting go. It's far from easy, far from simple. Oh-so-easy to say...so much harder to actually do.

I refuse to let go. On an intellectual level, I KNOW that this is never going to work. On an emotional level, I desperately need it to work. Or maybe I just believe that I need it to work? Maybe it was never right to begin with. Maybe I am walking down the wrong path altogether...or maybe a miracle will occur and suddenly everything will be.just.fine.

I don't know.

I'm facing lots of decisions right now. Well technically, that's not true. The decisions have been made. Some by myself (not by choice- I didn't/still don't see alternatives), and some have been dictated by others.

Where does this leave me? I feel lost. Heartbroken. Scared. Lonely.

I am so incredibly hurt by everything that's happened over the last few months in New York. I put on this facade that I am happy it didn't all end as badly as previous stays here, but really...this feels different. This isn't my doing. This isn't something I had control over. And that's what hurts the most. There has been so much rejection and pain and betrayal that I'm wondering if coming back was a mistake. I wasn't prepared for this. How could I be? I, perhaps naively, didn't see this coming.

I'm going home, once again, broken. Words fail me at times like this.

I'm hurting. I'm angry. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared of what lies ahead, and scared of what I've left behind. I'm scared of the can of worms that has been opened, and scared that things can never go back to how they were.

I just want someone, hell ANYONE, to tell me that it's going to be okay. Instead of the countless number of people that have said it's NOT okay. I am not okay. There's something wrong that they don't want to deal with. I need people right now. I need to hear that you know that I tried, that I pushed myself as hard as I could, and that maybe it wasn't the right thing at the right time.

Guys- I struggle with this more than I will ever tell you, more than you will ever know. I can completely understand that you don't know how to deal with it, or that it's not your problem. You're right. It's not. I'm sorry for all that I put you through, the things I ask of you, the things I need from you. I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be. I'm not who I want to be either. Trust me- whatever you think of me, or the negativity you throw my way...it's nothing I don't already do to myself. And I punch harder than you ever could.

My life: the soap opera

I do sometimes feel like I am living in a soap opera. I'm in an awkward relationship- actually, several. Several that are held together by the one thing pulling them apart, and I watch on in horror as if it's somebody else's life unfolding before my eyes- the whole "will they? won't they?", going around in circles, back and forth, to and fro...is it ever going to end? Who knows. The cycle is painfully pathetic to watch. The common theme in all of these relationships is ME. An analyst might say that I put myself in these situations out of low self-esteem/self-hatred/whatever. I think I do it purely because it's all that I know HOW to do. I remain pulled towards something that I know is not healthy for me, yet remain convinced on some level that the relationship has something to offer me.

I cling to hope.

I believe the lies.

I believe that it will all work out well in the end.

All evidence suggests that it most definitely isn't going to work out as I hope- yet I stay stuck, working away, hoping that this episode will have a happy ending. Is there such a thing? Really? This is real life. Not a soap opera. I'm writing the script- the same storyline played out in various scenarios. Where do I find some new material? This is starting to get old.

Fast forward 3/6/9 months and I've moved on to something else. Yet I remain watchful of that old flame which still flickers. I can't let it die out- not yet. As long as there is a glimmer of light, there's a chance that now is the right time to rush in and rekindle it. Ouch. Again, I've gotten burned, and I sit surrounded by ashes berating myself for making the same mistake again, and again, and again.

I want it to be over. REALLY over. I hate feeling that I *need* this. I hate feeling dependant. I hate feeling like my whole existence is based upon my expectations of someone/something else. It's so hard to walk away- I don't know if I can. Or how. Or where I would end up. At least with this, I can predict what is going to happen, as miserable as it may be.