Monday, 15 June 2009

Wait! Let Me Explain...

Oy vey, is it just me or are weekends too short?

One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood- or rather, being judged unfairly without having a chance to explain myself properly. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me- one part of me says, "who CARES what people are thinking?" but the other part really does care. A lot. Everything I do, I feel a need to explain in detail, to rationalise, to justify. Part of this is justifying things to myself- I judge myself more harshly than possibly anyone else judges me. I have been finding more and more that I am second-guessing every choice I make, trying to find a reason behind it (why am I picking tuna for lunch? why did I eat an apple and not a banana? why did I buy that brand of toothpaste?) Everything needs to have a valid reason and method to it. It's not enough for me to just say, "I put granola in my yogurt because I wanted to"- I feel like I need to approach it scientifically and explain it further ("I needed some carbs/fat/extra calories to make up for a lighter dinner/blahblah"). When did it get so complicated? Why is it not just enough to go with the flow and do what *I* want without fear that I'll have stones thrown at me?!

I started writing this thinking more about my fear of being judged by other people- though the more I think about it and the more I write, I think that my biggest fear is the criticism I dole out to myself. The guilt, the risk that something might go wrong, the relentless pursuit of my elusive dream of 'perfection'.

"It is easy to protect the body from poisoned arrows, but impossible to shield the body from the poisoned darts that originate within itself"

I need to work on chilling the heck out fostering a more compassionate attitude towards myself. To find a balance between caring what others think of me, but also accepting that their opinions and judgements are based on their own ideas and opinions and not necessarily factual. And most importantly, to ease up on myself. I keep talking about this but it's an ongoing struggle to let go of the idea that I need to be a certain way/do things perfectly for fear of what might happen if I loosen the reigns, and trust that I am 'okay' just as I am...

"Sometimes the only means of transport available is a leap of faith"

In other news:

I am 95% sure that I am going to be moving over to Wordpress. I've set up a blog and am ironing out the kinks and trying to figure it out- it's not as user-friendly as Blogspot, but I think the change will be worth it. Has anyone who has made the transfer found 1) a way to set up my blogroll to either be in order of most recently updated like this blog, or 2) is there any way I can automatically redirect people who go to old site to new one?


For breakfast I made 'Sunshine Cheesecake' again in an attempt to combat the grey sky I woke up to.

Just as good the second time around (that's what she said!) I feel like this tastes too dessert-like to be a 'healthy' breakfast.

There was a Clif bar consumed...

Maple nut- hands down, my all-time favourite flavour. I love anything maple flavoured. When I was growing up, we only ever had real maple syrup if we had pancakes- it wasn't until I was in New York when I was 22 that I was introduced to 'pancake syrup'. What IS that stuff? Is it supposed to taste like maple syrup? I like it (hello, sweet and sog-inducing?) Real maple. All the way.

Aaaaaand, a fiesta salad (soon to be followed by a siesta- I got up at 4am!)

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and a rather generous scoop of salsa on a bed of sprouts and spinach.

Question: what do you like on pancakes/waffles? Maple syrup? Pancake syrup? Jam? Yogurt? Fruit? It's rare that I eat them, but when I do, I'd take real maple if I had the choice. Though when I was in France, the crepes with banana and nutella were amazing!


dietlexy said...

nutella is amazing!
altho u really cant beat lemon and sugar

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Yeah, weekends need to be longer!

Anonymous said...

Hello hun! How have you been? What you say about being judged is interesting. I find I'm the biggest critic of myself, more so than anyone else. I think people are generally far more interested in themselves than others in any case. But yes, I still justify everything to myself. It's a habit which is worth trying to break!

Your breakfast looks good - there's nothing wrong with it being sweet! Enjoy it :-)

I like jam on my pancakes. Or butter... :-)

K from ksgoodeats said...

Maple nut is definitely one of the best (my 2nd favorite)!

France's banana/nutella crepes are AMAZING! You're right!!

In regards to the judgment: I grew up in a judged sport so I learned early on that you just have to screw the haters. There is always going to be someone who finds a fault in EVERYTHING - you just have to 'eff them basically ;) Do what make you happy because that's all that matters!

Tina said...

Nutella! Is there any doubt in it :P... I haven't had pancakes in over a year, but I ALWAYS had them with Nutella...

I get the explanation thing, but now I'm just like: "because if felt like it, okay!"... and that should be reason enough to do whatever


Anne said...

Weekends definitely do need to be longer. Your sunshine cheesecake looks delicious! And I love maple syrup on pancakes, mmm!

Olga said...

I love Nutella, but it's dangerous business 'cause I can eat a jar in like 5 minutes :)

I moved over from Blogspot to WordPress and I actually think Wordpress is SO much better. I had to manually update my blogroll but that's okay. Can't wait 'till the move!

I love honey on my waffles!

brookesballbuster said...

You are not alone in having trouble accepting yourself! I struggle with this on a daily basis. It's an anxiety thing for me. I crave control and that's why I've struggled with an ed in the past. It's all about coping with stress and anxiety. Just know that you're not alone, and if you ever need anyone to relate to I'm here!!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I like berries, cool whip, and maple syrup on my waffles and pancakes.
You can't go wrong with fruit flavored syrup though!

Anonymous said...

Ellie - I thought I'd reply to your question here. I'm definately in NY in October!! We should catch up!

And yes, I have plans to go to Edinburgh too!!

The possibilities are endless..!

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Weekends are too short.

Usually, when people care too much about what others think of them, it's because they worry that the rest of the world views them in the same way they view themselves, if that makes any sense. I do it all the time... not such fun.

As for the question... umm, depends on my mood!! Anything goes, really, though I like heating frozen berries in a saucepan and pouring it over pancakes / waffles.

Anonymous said...

i like yogurt AND fruit AND pb on pancakes :-) and i agree that weekends are too short!

(also, i don't think i ever answered your ? about dominican oatmeal. i think the biggest difference is that it is blended and has enough water/milk that it is more of a drink that a food. on top of that, it's loaded with sugar and spices. i'm not sure if it has dulce de leche, but the thought blows my mind. i don't know if i'd be able to handle that kind of deliciousness!)

Anonymous said...

I TOTALLY AGREE! We are the worst, most critical judges of OURSELVES! What a great post. Yes, be good to yourself because you're awesome :)

Abby said...

First of all, I just moved to Wordpress myself and kind of did the same thing as you--left a post on blogger telling (my three) readers that I moved. Good luck!

As for the post itself, once again, I totally could have written that myself. I am extremely stubborn and determined in so many areas of my life, but then I stress and agonize over choices I made and why (same thing--why the cereal if I really wanted the pancakes? Why didn't I choose this instead of that? Etc...) I wish I could just say I want to do or have something with a "real" reason.

I am much more compassionate towards other than myself, so I'm working on that, too. Make decisions--even if they're challenging and make you uncomfortable--that you know are best for your physical and mental health! You deserve it!

I generally avoid sweeter things, but maple syrup in oatmeal is fab-u-lous.

Could this comment be any longer? Oy.

Anonymous said...

i don't like pancakes, but i love homemade (good!) french toast (aka not the cold soggy thin slices of bread served in treatment to be "french toast")..
i don't like syrup because of the texture, so as a kid, i would sprinkle icing sugar on my french toast. thumbs up.


Sarah A. said...

Girl, you are speaking straight to my heart in this post--so know that you are not alone! I mean, it's almost as if I wrote it myself... I think that a major thing that kept me stuck in my disorder so long was the attention--and judgements--I knew I would get when I gained weight. I saw that my disorder was a weakness, and I didn't want to admit that I had that weakness. The thing is, I have always based my self-worth on what others think of me. That's what scared me the most about getting better; I didn't want to feel so terrible about myself again. What got me unstuck, if you will, was a realization that most people already knew about my little problem, and if I got better, they might actually see that I was a stronger person for dealing with it.

Thank you for your thoughts, Ellie :) Stay strong!

Love and prayers,
Sarah A.

cassandra said...

First off!!! "That's what she said" Amazing!!!! love it! made me smile :) lol
Second- you always have the best quotes ever!!!!
3rd- I made home-made nutella once it was a tasty treat. (it was for my chocolate ravioli)
- where in NY do you live? cause I def think us bloggers need to meet up and eat some tasty goodness :)
*BTW- your an amazing person, so don't let anything get you down.

Cassandra said...
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